Broken by a Melody

This poem is about my NaNo MC. I don't really know how good it is or if it's in the correct place, but I hope someone likes it.
~peanut~


Around her feet,
the ashes fly.
Fading to the night are memories
of what she left behind.

Every hope and
every dream
broken by the melody.

The notes fly
like stars they fade.
Slipping through the
cracks of yesterday.

Her life it seems
will forever be
haunted by death’s melody.

I love your poem- very well written. I'm curious about your MC now- would you mind if I asked what your NaNo's about? You don't have to answer...

Around her feet,

I don't think there should be a comma at the end- but other than that there's nothing wrong

Hey Peanut! Here as requested:)

Fading to the night

If your MC's house was burning down, this isn't the best way to phrase it. Perhaps you should change it up a bit, like:
The ashes fly,
scattering her memories

Other than that, your poem is perfect! Its so beautiful, and I can really feel the MC's pain right now. Only a really great poet can do that!

Fantastic job!

-Emma^.^

Sarah! Stella here!

Ugh... forgive me for not doing this last night, and forgive me for whatever weird things I may write today. I think I have the flu.

the ashes fly.

The ashes of what?

Fading to the night are memories

How about into the night? I mean, is the night made out of memories, or...?

haunted by death’s melody.

I'm not so sure I like this as a last line.

You have some very lovely imagery here, but it's all sort of jumbled up. The memories are fading into the night, but the notes are slipping through the cracks of the past? It's a bit haphazardly strung together. I'm no poetry expert, but I feel that if you want to use so many different images, don't be afraid to expand on each, because at the moment the lines don't quite seem to follow on from each other.

Also, we don't get much of an idea of what it is that's actually haunting her. A death? Does she see the faces, hear screaming or something? And the melody. What does it sound like? Minimalist, or a whole orchestra playing a single note? Is it haunting or is it a lullaby or something that's creepy in a way it was never supposed to be?

You have some very good material here, but I would try and not jump around so much, and don't be afraid to stretch it. Other than that, good job!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hi peanut19,

peanut19 wrote:Around her feet,
the ashes fly.
Fading to the night are memories
of what she left behind.

You're grasping at imagery here, but it's not coming together.

"the ashes fly"? How? Like what? Compared to what? You are currently guilty of pseudo-imagery - that is, describing something without actually describing it. I could say "I saw a dog". That would mean absolutely nothing because what I gave the reader was so broad that they could visualize the "dog" any number of a million ways. Sometimes this works; other times, such as in your poetry, it's obvious that you need to zoom in on the picture, to tighten your grip around what you're picturing and help the reader picture the same thing. Say something else about the ashes. This doesn't necessarily mean that your poem will get long and confusing because of including too much imagery, as many poets fear. In fact, you can compress a lot of imagery into small words and phrases, which is what metaphor, simile, and most of the literary devices are for anyway.

Every hope and
every dream
broken by the melody.

Doesn't make sense. I understand that poetry is abstract but this is too hazy to actually mean anything without clarification. How does a melody break anything? Melody has connotations of order, sweetness, romanticism, aesthetic pleasure. Breaking is not a word that comes to mind. If you wish for it to be so, then twist the meaning of melody and turn it into something that binds and distracts, which is what you're going for.

The notes fly
like stars they fade.
Slipping through the
cracks of yesterday.

Best stanza in the poem, but that's not saying a lot, considering that most of these stanzas aren't worth much. Notes, good. You're connecting it to the earlier stanza, something which too many poets forget to do.

Her life it seems
will forever be
haunted by death’s melody.

Why "it seems"? Are you trying to make the reader doubt that you know what you're talking about? Stop sounding uncertain and just say "Her life will forever be" etc. You don't need any filler language in poetry, in general. It destroys the flow as well and acts as an ugly roadblock to whatever message the poem may be trying to deliver.

Breathe detail and life into this poem if you want it to wake up from its skeletal state.

Hope that helped,
Galerius