The Most Influential Person of the Twentieth Century

This is for a scholorship competition. I'd really like to get some corrections and such before I send it along.

When thinking on who could possibly be the most influential person of the twentieth century, I am really at a total loss. So many great men and women lived thoroughly significant lives during the last hundred years that to single one out is a completely daunting task.

It’s an extraordinarily generalized topic and as such it really has no factual answer. I can spout out whom I believe to have such a title, but how much meaning does my opinion actually have? How could I possibly have the authority to grant such a crown?

What qualities would this king or queen have? Perhaps by first coming up with the description of the person, I will discover the identity.

This person would be kind and compassionate, as well as forceful and authoritative. His or her profession would be an all encompassing facet of life. And this profession would be to aid humanity. Oh but even in that statement there is no clear cut answer. There are so many ways to aid humanity. Artists do this as much as dignitaries and presidents—do they not? Teachers serve us in ways which most never for a moment think of giving credit for.

Most likely this person would be famous and important. Someone all of us see and admire daily—and perhaps he or she would have served us from the shadows, never emerging from the background, but always there . . .

I am aware that your company will receive many well written eulogies to great men and women, but I ask you to really think about what the real answer is: that no one individual is the most influential person. Ever single one of us is influenced by someone different. Actually I would go so far as to say that every aspect of every single person has a different idol. My greatest ambition is to be a filmmaker, a creator of lives. So in my opinion, George Lucas is the most influential person of the twentieth century.

He changed the film industry with a sweep of his hand, giving humankind one of the most amazing feats of filmmaking up to that time and a whole new world to dwell upon.

However I am still torn. My political side insists that Robert Kennedy should bare this weight. He ruled with a great passion and persuasiveness for the short time he was given. The writer in me wants J.K. Rowling to have it, a woman who gave the people of the world a new imagination. My inner music lover screams John Lennon. And of course the pious spirit deep inside whispers Jesus, who lives through every century in the hearts and souls of millions guiding, teaching, and ruling as no politician could ever imagine.

Countless others step up to be given this, Oprah Winfrey, Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Adolf Hitler, Lucille Ball, George Gershwin, so many I couldn’t dream of naming them.

Really, the twentieth century is a whirlpool of amazing people. Someday perhaps I will come to know them all and make a decision on who is the best among them.

I'm bumping this so that I'll see it easily for the next time I get on the computer. I'll comment on it when I have time.

Alright, thankyou.

ARGH!

Okay, I was almost done with the critique, but then the stupid internet program decided to die on me.

So! Let's make this quickish!

A warning: I am being a lot more harsher on this than other stories. This isn't because I hate you. It's because scholarships are awesome but extremely difficult to get. I hope you get it!

ON STYLE

The first thing I noticed was the lack of structure of the essay. The paragraphing wasn't really there, the thesis was almost nonexistant, and it just didn't flow right. This was partly because you didn't pick someone (we'll discuss that later) but also partly because of the paragraphing.

Paragraphing

Now for a personal story. When I had my first English class a semester ago, I took my first essay, and my tutor seriously balked. She absolutely loathed my paragraphing. So, much to my horror and humiliation, after she yelled at me for being such a terrible, unorganized writer, she began on a long rant about how to do paragraphing.

Apparently, you are supposed to have a topic sentence, supporting details, and a conclusion. Now I know you may be groaning irritably when I write this -- I have no doubt that you know this already. But it is hard to put it into practice. Now let's go over one paragraph. The first one.

When thinking on who could possibly be the most influential person of the twentieth century, I am really at a total loss. So many great men and women lived thoroughly significant lives during the last hundred years that to single one out is a completely daunting task.

First of all, there's only two sentences in it. Not that these sentences are wrong, but it's a really short paragraph. In a blog entry, this would be fine. For a formal essay, this is not. The first sentence is an introduction which sucks you in. The second sentence is a detail. So where is the conclusion?

Here:

It’s an extraordinarily generalized topic and as such it really has no factual answer. I can spout out whom I believe to have such a title, but how much meaning does my opinion actually have? How could I possibly have the authority to grant such a crown?

So why are they seperate? Who knows. But combine them, please.

And... let's go through this all.

What qualities would this king or queen have? Perhaps by first coming up with the description of the person, I will discover the identity.

This person would be kind and compassionate, as well as forceful and authoritative. His or her profession would be an all encompassing facet of life. And this profession would be to aid humanity. Oh but even in that statement there is no clear cut answer. There are so many ways to aid humanity. Artists do this as much as dignitaries and presidents—do they not? Teachers serve us in ways which most never for a moment think of giving credit for.

Most likely this person would be famous and important. Someone all of us see and admire daily—and perhaps he or she would have served us from the shadows, never emerging from the background, but always there . . .

Combine those three paragraphs. They are one in the same. If the paragraph looks too big and you shudder in pain whenever you see it, that's a clue that it's too wordy. When you can paragraph in a story, you can be as wordy as you want. In an essay, you are supposed to be to the point. The result? Less words.

I am aware that your company will receive many well written eulogies to great men and women, but I ask you to really think about what the real answer is: that no one individual is the most influential person. Ever single one of us is influenced by someone different. Actually I would go so far as to say that every aspect of every single person has a different idol. My greatest ambition is to be a filmmaker, a creator of lives. So in my opinion, George Lucas is the most influential person of the twentieth century.

He changed the film industry with a sweep of his hand, giving humankind one of the most amazing feats of filmmaking up to that time and a whole new world to dwell upon.

A little tricky. These are actually two paragraphs. As soon as you start talking about your aspiration to become a filmmaker, then you should start a new paragraph. Why? Because you're starting a new subject.

As far as the rest of the paragraphs? They're fine, but some of the shorter ones, the last two ones in particular, need to be developed more. Right now, you have topic sentences. Develop them further.

Grammar and other little stuff

I fixed the paragraphs up.

When thinking on who could possibly be the most influential person of the twentieth century, I am really at a total loss. So many great men and women lived thoroughly significant lives during the last hundred years that to single one out is a completely daunting task. It’s an extraordinarily generalized topic and as such it really has no factual answer. I can spout out whom I believe to have such a title, but how much meaning does my opinion actually have? How could I possibly have the authority to grant such a crown? What qualities would this king or queen have? Perhaps by first coming up with the description of the person, I will discover the identity.

Ah... now it looks a little wordier. How can you cut down the words? My first suggestion? Eliminate the last sentence. It never had a purpose except for making the little paragraph (which were combined with the other paragraphs) look bigger.

Next thing I notice... the royalty references. Unless you are talking about royalty, I would suggest getting rid of it. When I first read it, I mistook it as actually royalty. Now that the paragraphs are fixed up, it's not so bad, but it's always been a little bit awkward.

This person would be kind and compassionate, as well as forceful and authoritative. His or her profession would be an all encompassing facet of life. And this profession would be to aid humanity. Oh but even in that statement there is no clear cut answer. There are so many ways to aid humanity. Artists do this as much as dignitaries and presidents—do they not? Teachers serve us in ways which most never for a moment think of giving credit for. Most likely this person would be famous and important. Someone all of us see and admire daily—and perhaps he or she would have served us from the shadows, never emerging from the background, but always there . . .

Ah yes... gender neutral. Some hate it, some love it. It's a big controversy. Anyway, I don't like it. It clutters up the language.

And there's several sentences that seem awkward. I would change one sentence to this: "Oh, but even in that statement there is no clear-cut answer."

I am aware that your company will receive many well written eulogies to great men and women, but I ask you to really think about what the real answer is: that no one individual is the most influential person. Ever single one of us is influenced by someone different. Actually I would go so far as to say that every aspect of every single person has a different idol.

Awkward beginning. To me, it seems a little desperate. More on that later. But you can improve it slightly: get rid of really or real. They both mean the same thing and to have it twice there is repetitive. And it's well-written...

Countless others step up to be given this, Oprah Winfrey, Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Adolf Hitler, Lucille Ball, George Gershwin, so many I couldn’t dream of naming them.

Develop this idea more. There should be more supporting details.

Really, the twentieth century is a whirlpool of amazing people. Someday perhaps I will come to know them all and make a decision on who is the best among them.

More on that later...

Thank you SO much!

Alright it now looks like this:

When thinking on who could possibly be the most influential person of the twentieth century, I am really at a total loss. So many great men and women lived thoroughly significant lives during the last hundred years that to single one out is a completely daunting task. It’s an extraordinarily generalized topic and as such it really has no factual answer. I can spout out whom I believe to have such a title, but how much meaning does my opinion actually have?

What qualities would this great person have? Perhaps by first coming up with the description of the person, I will discover the identity. This person would be kind and compassionate, as well as forceful and authoritative. His or her profession would be an all encompassing facet of life. And this profession would be to aid humanity.

Oh, but I can’t even narrow that statement down. There are so many ways to aid humanity. Artists do this as much as dignitaries and presidents—do they not? Teachers serve us in ways which most never for a moment think of giving credit for. Most likely this person would be famous and important. Someone all of us see and admire daily—and perhaps he or she would have served us from the shadows, never emerging from the background, but always there . . .

I am aware that your company will receive many well written eulogies to great men and women, but I ask you to think about what the real answer is: that no one individual is the most influential person. Every single one of us is influenced by someone different. Actually I would go so far as to say that every aspect of every single person has a different idol.

My greatest ambition is to be a filmmaker, a creator of lives. So in my opinion, George Lucas is the most influential person of the twentieth century. He changed the film industry with a sweep of his hand, giving humankind one of the most amazing feats of filmmaking up to that time and a whole new world to dwell upon.

However, I am still torn. My political side insists that Robert Kennedy should bare this weight. He ruled with a great passion and persuasiveness for the short time he was given. The writer in me wants J.K. Rowling to have it, a woman who gave the people of the world a new imagination. My inner music lover screams John Lennon. And of course the pious spirit deep inside whispers Jesus, who lives through every century in the hearts and souls of millions guiding, teaching, and ruling as no politician could ever imagine.

Countless others step up to be given this, Oprah Winfrey, Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Adolf Hitler, Lucille Ball, George Gershwin, so many I couldn’t dream of naming them. The twentieth century is a whirlpool of amazing people. Someday perhaps I will come to know them all and make a decision on who is the best among them.

Melodie wrote:Alright it now looks like this:

When thinking on who could possibly be the most influential person of the twentieth century, I am really at a total loss. So many great men and women lived thoroughly significant lives during the last hundred years that to single one out is a completely daunting task. It’s an extraordinarily generalized topic and as such it really has no factual answer. I can spout out whom I believe to have such a title, but how much meaning does my opinion actually have?

What qualities would this great person have? Perhaps by first coming up with the description of the person, I will discover the identity. This person would be kind and compassionate, as well as forceful and authoritative. His or her profession would be an all encompassing facet of life. And this profession would be to aid humanity.

Oh, but I can’t even narrow that statement down. There are so many ways to aid humanity. Artists do this as much as dignitaries and presidents—do they not? Teachers serve us in ways which most never for a moment think of giving credit for. Most likely this person would be famous and important. Someone all of us see and admire daily—and perhaps he or she would have served us from the shadows, never emerging from the background, but always there . . .

I am aware that your company will receive many well written eulogies to great men and women, but I ask you to think about what the real answer is: that no one individual is the most influential person. Every single one of us is influenced by someone different. Actually I would go so far as to say that every aspect of every single person has a different idol.

My greatest ambition is to be a filmmaker, a creator of lives. So in my opinion, George Lucas is the most influential person of the twentieth century. He changed the film industry with a sweep of his hand, giving humankind one of the most amazing feats of filmmaking up to that time and a whole new world to dwell upon.

This is okay.

However, I am still torn. My political side insists that Robert Kennedy should bare this weight. He ruled with a great passion and persuasiveness for the short time he was given. The writer in me wants J.K. Rowling to have it, a woman who gave the people of the world a new imagination. My inner music lover screams John Lennon. And of course the pious spirit deep inside whispers Jesus, who lives through every century in the hearts and souls of millions guiding, teaching, and ruling as no politician could ever imagine.

Countless others step up to be given this, Oprah Winfrey, Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Adolf Hitler, Lucille Ball, George Gershwin, so many I couldn’t dream of naming them. The twentieth century is a whirlpool of amazing people. Someday perhaps I will come to know them all and make a decision on who is the best among them.

This is bad. You chose George Lucas. The rest of your essay should be about his accomplishments and how he has influenced society. Saying that he changed the world is good, but you need to explain how. You are being much too vague. The more vague you are, the more it will hurt you.

The point is that there is no best person. I didn't choose George Lucas for the most influencial, just the one that influences that particular part of me and my ambitions. He's just an example.

GACK.

This is good, but I so disagree. It's really interesting, actually, though George Lucas was NOT the most influential person of the 20th century.

I agree with you.

Content and structure has pretty much been covered by the users above me, so I don't have much to say. You need to work on your essay structure, but that's already been made clear. Other than that, excellent work.

George Lucas was the most influential person in the 20th century.

Germany would have tried to conquer Europe without Adolf Hitler.

People would still whine on TV without Oprah

Robert Kennedy was more trouble for our country than any other president- even Bush... I know that's pushing it... but I really didn't care for him.

Henry Ford didn't invent the automobile, some dude from Europe did it.

I don't even know who George Gershwin and Lucille Ball are...

John Lennon was a pot-smoking hippie who didn't invent rock & roll, that was Elvis.

Thomas Edison's lightbulb will be illegal in something like 2012.

Jesus... was God so how can he be the most influential person?


But George Lucas... brought forth a legacy. He changed film-making forever- the most lucrative business in the world, next to making lightbulbs, which will go out of style eventually...

George Lucas invented the Star Wars universe, forever bringing into existence, the heart and soul of memorable characters such as C-3PO, Han Solo, and Boba Fett.

George Lucas is my greatest hero- next to Rambo, who's not even real- and for that, he gets my appreciation.

Good work, Melodie.


**Note: if anyone disagreed with my opinion on important figures in history, I'm sorry.