Forever and Ever

his abs are like a cool 6 pack o beer
like the kind he drinks
cuz hes a rebel
his eyeliner sparkles, just like my Eddy weddy bear
my Hunky Vampy Boy
my Hunky Vampy boy
he sits across the room in bible studies.
his lacks of faith is so hot.
i know i can change him.
cuz we are soulmates
we are soul mates of love

but then there is my Jacob.
he sits in the front God behind his words.
so good, so pure so right.
I'm just so torn between.
torn between the two.
So torn between the two.

my head screams for my good boy
my heart goes for my vamp
i know my heart is right
but my brain is so hard to fight
please god help me, help me choose the one
help me figure out who is right

Okay i'm not really sure whats going on here.
are the spelling mistakes on purpouse or what?.
I am kind of loath to say this is an ammature piece becasue it may not be perhaps i am not getting the jist of it.
I chose to read it completley at random and was not quite sure what i had stumblled across.
All i can say as "constructive criticism" is that a lot of it didnt make any sense and just seemed like rambelling.
I sort of hope that i am wrong and that you hae some kind of deep constructive meaning behind it (please tell me if you do) but all in all as i said i'm not sure if this classes as proper poestry or just adolecent mutterings.

Is this about twilight? Haha I think it is. It's very cute, and I like how you tied God into it. The only thing is the grammar/spelling aren't correct. You might want to fix that.

-Rach

Hi Star. I agree with Random and Kurt. I personally though it was hard to read, since I'm one of those people who get distracted by grammar errors. I know that in some poetry the writers don't use end marks or capitalization because that's how the poem is supposed to be. In this poem there is some punctuation and some parts with out. So you should go back and decide whether you want it or not. The capitalization is also a little sketchy. Also I think you should spell it 'cause or because instead of cuz
Hope this helps.
~peanut~

Oh my God!!
What's this supposed to be?
First of all: I don't know if I'm really sorry to say this, but this is awfully childish and immature. and I really don't know what to say about this, but I think the poem cannot be saved.

Second: Your grammar was totally lacking and took out the little sense the so called poem had. The use of 'cuz should not be allowed inpoetry unles is used correctle

Third. Your wording was totally terrible, and I'm not saying this to offend you, but that seemed very third grade.

his abs are like a cool 6 pack o beer

You'll have to excuse me but this is not poetry.Poetry is about transmiting emotions, showing an image; it's about flow. Poetry is an art and this is not poetry. Poems have shape.

Fourth. the rhyme for heaven's sakes! the rhyme! I don't know if you know but forced rhyme sounds terrible in a poem and...
poems not always have rhyme.

The last but not least, Twilight fanfic is overdued. It has become a cliche even, it is now the most written piecce on earth and I honestly consider that it's foolish. Why? because why do we need more when we know that all Twilight fanfic will be about Edward's beauty-besides the shallowness of that.

Excuse me if I offended you, but I was just trying to help.