The Cull

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NOTE: Okay, so this is my first real stab at anything even remotely creepy, for one. For another, if you are British, I hope you take no offense to my attempts at British-English haha. Please do give lots of criticism and whatnot :D

Wind tasted almost salty to Afton when it was late in the afternoon. The high grasses looked like a tidal body, when the breeze smacked its surface. He said this to Fergus, who trudged ahead.

Fergus grunted, and kept walking. Maybe faster, even.

Afton said it again.

And Fergus said, “Shut up.”

“Hey, Fergus?”

“I said, shut up.”

“Do you reckon this is an ocean?”

Fergus sighed, but it sounded like a growl to Afton, or a soft roar. “No, Afton, it’s not an ocean. Now, stop talking.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know!”

“Oh.”

They walked a bit further, wading through the vegetation. Fergus parted the way with his staff, like a premature Moses. Afton pretended he was a crocodile. He’d read about them in a book at school. They’d been around as far back as the dinosaurs, and the force of their bite was 351 kilograms per square centimetre. Afton had asked Fergus how many kilograms per centimetre he could bite, and Fergus muttered something about Afton being a prat.

The wind had died down by the time they got to the paddock. The sheep were snacking on the shorter grasses, on this side of the hill. Some of them raised their heads and twitched their ears at the newcomers. Fergus opened the gate, and herded she sheep out of the enclosure. Afton stood on the first rung of the fence, and called to Fergus, “Can I herd the sheep?”

Fergus ignored him, and closed the gate.

“Hey, Fergus.”

“Afton!” Fergus snapped. “Stop talking, will you?”

Afton chose to disregard this. “Can I herd the sheep back in?”

Fergus rubbed his face hard. “Okay. Just –just please. Stop talking.”

“Why?”

Fergus bent over, and hunted for a stone to throw at Afton, but there was only grass. He found a clump of dirt, and chucked it across the pen. It missed Afton by a meter. This didn’t faze Afton –neither the clump nor the intention. He beamed suddenly, at Fergus. “D’you reckon there are crocodiles in Elkwich?”

Fergus looked like he was about to answer, but then he thought better of it. He slumped down against the fence, and laid the staff down.

Afton swung back and forth on the fence. He really wanted to use the staff. He jumped down, and ran over to Fergus, who appeared to be sleeping. He nudged Fergus’s leg with his sneaker.

“Bloody hell, Afton!” Fergus shouted. He moved to throw a punch at Afton, but Afton had already stepped away. “What? What. What is it, you stupid sod?”

“Can I play with the staff?”

“No!”

“Why?”

“Afton, go watch the sheep.”

“Can I have the staff then?”

“No.”

“But I’ll need it.”

“No, you won’t.”

“But you said I need to watch the sheep—“

“I know what I said.” Fergus’s tone was final.

Afton went to stand on top of the slope on the other side. He could see the black rain-slicked road from here. It curled itself around the hills, like a gigantic snake, or a river. Afton pretended for some time that he was king of the crocodiles, and was surveying the black river for the wildebeest, so his kingdom of crocodiles could have a feast. He wished he had the staff though. He probably would have felt more kingly.

A big shiny car came around the bend. It was making a loud, sort of pained snarl, before it gasped, and choked, and rolled to a stop, in front of Afton’s hill. All was silent again, except for the bleating of a lamb, but that stopped too.

Afton dropped to a crouch, and narrowed his eyes at the intruder. The car door opened then, and a tall, thin, grey haired man stepped out of the car. He was dressed in an ill-fitting tuxedo, complete with cane, and tailcoat. He slammed the car door, and popped the hood. He only took a cursory glance at the engine, before closing that too. He looked up the hill, at Afton.

Afton held very still, holding his breath. His legs were aching from crouching for so long.

The man then began to walk up the hill, “Hello, there,” he called.

Afton stood up, uncertain. “ ‘lo,” he said.

“Could you tell me, by any chance, where I might get some petrol?” The man said as he neared Afton.

Afton shook his head. There was something peculiar about the man’s manner, that raised Afton’s hackles, and made his nose twitch. “What’s your name?” he said.

The man smiled, exposing his long, yellow teeth. “Wilk,” he said.

“Is that it?”

“Yes,” said Wilk. “That is it.”

“That’s a weird name.”

Wilk barked a laugh. “And what it your name, small sir?”

Afton stole a look down the other side of the hill, at Fergus’s sleeping form. “Afton,” he whispered the tiny secret.

Wilk nodded, sagely. “A fine name it is.”

“I guess.”

“I suppose those are your sheep you are tending?” Wilk asked, a strange glint in his eyes. It was almost hungry

Afton itched his elbow. “Yeah.” He’d forgotten about the sheep.

“And that –that boy there—“ Wilk pointed to Fergus, “Who is that?”

“Fergus,” said Afton. “He helps me with the sheep.”

Wilk’s shrewd eyes lingered on Fergus. “Yes, I see.” He turned his wolfish grin on Afton once more. A beetle landed on the lapel of Wilk’s coat, and crawled into the breast-pocket.

“Your teeth are long,” observed Afton.

“Indeed?” said Wilk, still grinning rather disconcertedly. His face was starting to look horribly warped, and lined, like a mask. His dark eyes flashed, and his lips curled into his gums, he was smiling so hard.

“How come you’re smiling like that?” said Afton, inching a step away. It was like when he missed a rung on the ladder up to the loft, in the barn, and his stomach careened somewhere south of his knees.

Wilk stepped closer, and hid his hands behind his back. “It’s a nice day, is all,” he said, gazing up at the sky, as if it were brilliant blue, rather than the dingy-sheet-grey from horizon to horizon. If anything, his lips widened, and curled tighter.

Afton took another step back, this one more deliberate.

Wilk followed Afton step for step, still smiling. The smile seemed to be growing, consuming Wilk’s sallow face. There was just a weird contortion of glistening bone and black, feverish eyes, where his face had been. His back was hunching forward, and his slender hands, bent claw-like.

Afton turned, prepared to scream out to Fergus, or run, or something, but Wilk’s gnarled hand came down on Afton’s arm, and pushed him on the ground. Afton screamed.

Wilk smiled, and said, somehow through his ugly teeth, “Be quiet.”

And then he was.




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Hello squarened! I'm Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer for today.

I have to say that I really like this story. A lot. Like, am in love with it. So, it may be hard for me to come up with some helpful points. However, I shall certainly give it my best try.

So, the beginning felt a bit weak to me. I didn't get a very good grasp of the setting, though I did pick up on it later. You might consider a better description at the beginning.

Also, I had trouble deciding who the main character was for a bit. I know it ended up being Afton, but for a while I thought it might be Fergus. Try strengthening the wording so that we know for sure Afton is the one we're supposed to follow.

And, aside from that, I loved this story. It's really done quite a bit to improve my crappy evening. Your description is good, your plot is solid, and your characters are honestly engaging. You did fine on the British talk, from what I can see, so no worries there. Just punch up the areas I suggested and this will be a great story.

PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hi, my name is Tanya,

I also really loved the story. So far, trying your hand at creepy is going well.

I also thought the beginning was a bit weak. I didn't get a feel of it at the beginning. I really love Afton and Fergus. I could almost literally feel for Fergus enduring Afton's endless chatter and questions.

'and herded she sheep out of the enclosure'

I assumed you meant 'the sheep'. :)

One other -and last- thing I noticed: the descriptions and the point of view seems to come from Afton. I was under the impression -maybe wrongly- that he was a small boy. Would small boys use words like, "consuming Wilk’s sallow face. There was just a weird contortion of glistening bone and black, feverish eyes, where his face had been. His back was hunching forward, and his slender hands, bent claw-like."?
I'm not so sure. Then again, maybe he isn't a small boy.

In that case, as Conrad Rice mentioned previously, maybe with a bit more detail at the beginning, I will understand this boy's point of view.

Besides that, I have nothing to add. You had been hooked and I loved both characters. I would love to read any other excerpt of this you have. :)

Tanya




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Hi Squarened. I'm Peanut and I think you did creepy just fine. I liked your characters but towards the beginning Afton seemed very childish and annoying. Which I assume he was supposed to. But towards the end the childishness faded very quickly. He was very mature when he talked to Wilk and I think it would be more enjoyable if he was annoying and such toward Wilk so he would have something to make him attack him or whatever he was going to do. And where was Fergus? Maybe you could have him trying to help him in the background and having Wilk say something to make him stop or do something, because I think Fergus would notice something was wrong. Just a suggestion. This sort of reminded me of Little Red Riding Hood. :)
PM me when you post more.
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


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