Missing You

Missing You

You told me not that you were leaving,
You told me not of what I wanted to hear,
You simply left me grieving,
Growing sadder with each tear.

Now I wait, alone and weary,
Wishing only to get you back,
Ever grows the night so dreary,
Soon you shall begin to pack.

Off you go across the sea,
Even with my silent pleas,
Still you go, and to some degree,
Wish I were still on my knees.

Now you're gone,
You know not of my mind,
I wait until dawn,
The one time to unwind.

Dude, I like it. You really let me understand how you feel and I think that's one of the most important points of poetry. I really think you should show it to the gal you're feelin it about (if you haven't already). Definitely worth showing to her and i liked it.

You told me not that you were leaving,
You told me not of what I wanted to hear,
You simply left me grieving,
Growing sadder with each tear.

Immediately I loved this poem, because it hit in a spot that I know my mother has gone through and therefore intrigued me. (: I love the rhyming.

Now I wait, alone and weary,
Wishing only to get you back,
Ever grows the night so dreary,
Soon you shall begin to pack.

"Ever grows the night so dreary,"
That's an ahmazing line. It's nice how you switch up the sentence structures, not just normal Subject Verb Object.

Off you go across the sea,
Even with my begging please,
Still you go, and to some degree,
Wish I were still on my knees.

Like I said before, this situation has happened to a family member of mine, and I witnessed her go through it, so these words bring back sad memories; this is a good trait in poems.

Now you're gone,
You know not of my mind,
I wait until dawn,
The one time to unwind.

This was my least favorite stanza. I like what you were trying with the second line, but the Waiting until dawn part seemed like a useless rhyme add in.

Other than that, I liked this poem, enough to critique it obviously. (: It's beeyoutiful and I hope what you're going through gets better. ♥

Hi J.R.S.,

J.R.S wrote:You told me not that you were leaving,
You told me not of what I wanted to hear,
You simply left me grieving,
Growing sadder with each tear.

Read this loudly. Please read it out loud. It sounds horribly chopped up, with syllables chopped up in some parts and elongated in others. For example, the "not that" and "not of" aren't aesthetically pleasing at all to the ear when paired with such mundane ideas such as leaving and hearing (which, by the way, needs to itself be expanded on and not simply left where you did. Compare the leaving, the hearing, to either each other or another concept that can link both like a web). The same goes for the last line. This makes no sense; that's acceptable in poetry, but not when you say it in such a bare way like you're feeding the reader wheat stalks instead of baked bread. There are so many things you can embellish this line with. Tears themselves represent sadness, so there's no point repeating that in the beginning of that line as you did. Tears can be compared to ice ponds, oceans, death amid the salty suffocation.

Now I wait, alone and weary,
Wishing only to get you back,
Ever grows the night so dreary,
Soon you shall begin to pack.

Off you go across the sea,
Even with my begging please,
Still you go, and to some degree,
Wish I were still on my knees.

Now you're gone,
You know not of my mind,
I wait until dawn,
The one time to unwind.

The rest of this basically has the same systemic problems. There are certain odd parts that have been archaically phrased for some reason - "night so dreary" - and some parts that are simply too technical and bulky for such a poem - "to some degree". Why are you measuring desire in degrees? Delete that, and work on this rest of this, using the corrections in the first stanza as a template.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey!

I'm going to leave the first verse, Galerius has pretty much said what I was thinking - much more eloquently though.

Now I wait, alone and weary,
Wishing only to get you back,
Ever grows the night so dreary,
Soon you shall begin to pack.

Well, the second line seems to have too many syllables, it just sounds wrong when you read it aloud. I would just take out the only - you don't need it.
The third line is a little awkwardly phrased, as this is because you've switched it around to fit in with your rhyming scheme. Don't. The good thing is, by rethinking your word choice you can easily make this line less awkward and keep "dreary" at the end. For instance "And as the night grows evermore dreary". And yes, I know that's quite a bad example but with more time you could turn that line around!
The last line... again it feels like you've chosen this just to fit in with your rhyme scheme. It doesn't feel heartfelt and even now the rhyme is a little obvious which detracts from the poem.

Off you go across the sea,
Even with my begging please,
Still you go, and to some degree,
Wish I were still on my knees.

This is OK really. It could do with a little more thinking about the rhymes - really try and surprise people with something they wouldn't have thought of.

Now you're gone,
You know not of my mind,
I wait until dawn,
The one time to unwind.

The rhythm is totally different here! As Galerius said, use the edited first stanza as your starting point and change this!

Hope this helped
~Amy

I think this poem is great, how ever I have to agree that the first stanza is very choppy. Reading out loud while you write helps with this - its much easier to get things to flow. I love the intense emotion in this poem... it stirs your heart as you read.

I like this poem. it's honest and relatible, and those are always the best kinds of poems. The only thing i had trouble with is this line "You told me not of what I wanted to hear,". It kind of throws of the rhythem with the word "not". and there is always my one simple nit-pick that all the lines start capitalized when they don't need to. otherwise i really enjoyed this poem.

Whoah. Though, it's pretty old, well, I like it.

Wow. You really make the reader understand how your feeling. The way it is written brings the story to life. The second stanza doesnt fit with the softness of the rest of the poem, but apart from that I must say it is really beautiful and flowing wonderfully. The intencity of this poem creates an atmosphere only few are able to achieve so keep up the good work, I'd love to read more like this.

OK. It was good. though i couldn't understand why the person was waiting. Especially if it seemed the person would never come back. I liked the style but maybe you should say more about why the person is leaving. Good JOb

The poem is not really impressive, mediocre. It seems to be so forced it lacks flow, and something just seems as if it has a child's tongue(well written non the less.) I must annex that the 3rd stanza is most extraordinary, I wish for you to write like this all the time. That stanza is what you want to show in your writing skills, it has nice rhythm and flow than all the others. Make your momma proud, and read the line until it burns into your soul. Than take that and express that style in new found glory

Okay, this is a good poem. I like the ideas presented here, though slightly prosaic, the elements are well arranged. However, I think that your lines are a bit off-balanced. Two lines have good length, the next too short or too long. This lack of rhythm makes the poem awkward to read.

Otherwise, all this poem needs is a little revision. Try varying your word usage too, it helps add a little interesting mystery to a poem!

Nice poem. I felt the emotions you where portraying.
Keep up the good work!

Don't listen to the replies that are downing you poem I found it wonderful, you don't get to see much of that these days, keep up the good work, your a wonderful writer!!!

Right. This poem was OK, but there were some annoying flaws.

I suggest you read this poem aloud or get someone else to read it to you. You'll find that metre of this poem is terrible. Its very inconsistent, which in poetry is a big no, no (unless it's a device).

Also the rhyming structure feels a little bit forced in parts, furthermore it too is inconsistent. The format goes ABAB, ABAB etc then AABB ??? WHY?

The feelings in this poem were lovely, and you clearly have talent. However, please think your poems through.

Much love,
Kris
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