The Struggle

Ok, I know this is fairly long and im not sure if this is the right place to put it but bare with me please
Let me know what you think.

He knows no bounds
Only the limitations he sets upon himself,.
He is not willing to let go of something that never was
And he still searches for answers to the questions being asked.

Why does he go through life trying to be someone else?
He doesn’t even know himself yet,
Or what path to choose for that matter.
Is he destined to wander in darkness all his life?

He wants nothing in life but to strive for greatness
Yet he never gets there
Seemingly cut short by the trivial things
Feelings of constraint run over him like a freezing wind
Chilling him to the core,
Rooting him to the spot,
Making him worried for the future

He knows what to do but whether he does it is another thing
The light is in reach
He just has to grasp hold of it and go along for the ride
It may be difficult but he can handle it
Believing in the goal is the first step
Then he will be well on the road to understanding
The struggle will be over sooner than first thought

He seems frustrated at the world but for what?
The position he is in?
His insurmountable hill to a better life?
He knows there is another side to the hill;
But he cannot climb well enough yet.
He knows the place he is in isn’t permanent
It’s just hard to see how it can get better,
How he can change things for good

The options are right in front of him and yet feel an eternity away
This place plays tricks on the mind.
Curveballs thrown in for effect.
He will look back on this place soon enough and laugh
How trivial it was to care about the minor things
Mountains made out of mole hills.

Maybe all he needs is patience?
No, too easy,
Boring even.
Not enough to build character and confidence within himself.
How would he learn anything if it was handed to him on a silver platter?
He wouldn’t.
He would be clueless to a little struggle and would fold easily
Strength is a good quality
Strength of mind and of body
The Strength to counter- act life’s problems and to move on.

It hasn’t all been waste of time
He has done many a thing in life to which he is proud of
Seeing what the world has to offer.
Experiencing the real world for what it is.
He is a much better person for this.
He knows about surviving in this ever changing world.

But still he is missing something.
He feels that, to survive, he must constantly be on the go
Staying active and expanding his horizons
To feel the true worth of his life,
That his existence is justified in some way.
And to be free from the burden of repetitive behaviours

What he fails to realise is that he is still only young.
Way too young to think about anything seriously.
Life is a long journey to which there are a lot of bumps in the road
It was never supposed to be smooth sailing,
Otherwise it is not life, it is joyriding.

He lets the little things run his life
It is ultimately his downfall
It drives him crazy to think that they seem so important,
When in fact, they mean nothing in the long run
Just another way to pass time in his dull little world
Getting angry because things didn’t turn out as he wanted isn’t healthy
It is silly.
They are but sand particles among the boulders of life.

Coping with loss is never easy. It hit him hard,
In a year arguably the foundations for later life.
It was a time where he needed not stress but the courage to soldier on.
It may have hindered his progress but he cannot completely
Blame a loss for throwing him off track.
It would be selfish of him to use this as the only excuse, if an excuse at all.

For the moment he is yet to find answers,
But he is confident of their appearance.
He will sit tight and let it all play out like it was intended,
Never giving up the quest to new beginnings.

The journey is fresh and paths yet to be crafted
He likes what’s on the horizon.

Your writing ability is not the issue, nor is the subject matter. What's so terribly wrong about this poem is an issue so huge I can only hope to contain it within a spoiler.

Spoiler

SHOW DON'T TELL

No, no, no, no, this is not how to write a poem. Give me credit; I read the whole thing, and I'll freely admit you have a command of written English that occasionally eludes other poets. That gives me hope; you have the ability to correct this. However, you need to scrap this detailed and time-consuming attempt and restart from a different angle. There is nothing here for the reader; it's a lecture. All of it!

I feel as though this poem is a personal one, although I could be wrong. All the better if it is. The beauty of poetry is in it's brevity- the format immediately forces the writer to cut the fat from their words and say more than they should be able to. Instead, we have such a multitude of words here that the message is actually muddled and buried in the end result. I can't remember one line from this poem. That's not the reader's fault, that's because your poem didn't hook me, it didn't stab an image into my eye. The only reason I read it all was in the vain hope that at some point there would be something tangible. You disappointed me. I can take the first and last stanza- stick them together, and the meaning remains unchanged.

Azzman88 wrote:He knows no bounds
Only the limitations he sets upon himself,.
He is not willing to let go of something that never was
And he still searches for answers to the questions being asked.
The journey is fresh and paths yet to be crafted
He likes what’s on the horizon.

So scrap this poem. Sorry. But tough choices are being made everyday, and scrapping this effort is the first step towards making this a great poem. What you need (most likely) is a story. Can you tell a story in which your character acts in such a way that we see through him and we see all of this? Or, find a metaphor for this character and use it to define him. There are many ways to do this. But after you write a line; figure out what you've told us, and then take out that part and show us.

Please PM me if you want me to clarify what I mean by all of this, and stick with it. Revise, revise, revise, and it always gets better.

It kind of looks like you're saying the same thing over and over again, which isn't that good. And I think it's because you want to say so much, but you're not sure what to say, so you think that if you say it enough times, the reader might possibly know what you're talking about. Except... good poetry isn't like that.

Check out this story:

"For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

That's it. Only six words. But it's so heartbreaking because you can just conjure an image in your mind of a once-expectant mother losing her child (a miscarriage?) and then having to sell off, one by one, the things that she got for her lost child.

Tell us a story. Make us understand what sort of stumble he is going through. Let there be conflict! Yeah, it's not a story, but it should hold conflict. It should stab us in the heart, because that's what good poetry does.

Here is a poem: viewpoetry.php?id=284

This poem essentially says what your poem does. Look at the language, the imagery, the conflict, the story. Understand that in Blake's time, the orphans, the poor, the destitute children were basically rounded off the streets and forced to clean chimneys. If they got stuck... oh well! They stayed stuck. It was a miserable, miserable life. And yet, Blake never explicitly says, "Oh, they were too young and they didn't think about it properly and they had a miserable life." No. He used imagery to convey his thoughts and to convey it briefly in a more effective way. And did it work? I think so. From the beginning, full of weeping, to the end, a bittersweet ending (a betrayal?) if I've ever seen one, it contains a lot of humanity.

Remember: as a poet, your mission is to convey to intangible so that it directly stabs us in the heart. Don't rant on and on about something over and over again. Just go for the quick stab. It'll be better that way... trust me.

Best of luck!

Dont let all the criticism get you down. You just need to play with it a little. I can tell theres emotion just under the surface, bring it out and make me feel it. Try shortening it up a little - tell me only the essentials. Give me details but dont repeat yourself. Also try rewriting in first person and see how that feels, it may work, it may not.

You have a good start. Consider all the advice here (mine as well as others) and use what you feel comfortable with but don't alter it to the point where it no longer feels like it yours. Sometimes we can spend so much time editing and changing that when we're done we forget why we wrote it to begin with. If it begins to feel that way just scrap it and start over.

Let me know when you write more.

Sorry, azzman, but I think I have to agree with smorgishborg and Snoink. The whole poem seems like words thrown together into one big mound. Yes, we have the words - but what are you trying to tell us?

Don't worry, I think you have a pretty good concept. Before writing down the whole poem, gather your ideas together first, and make sure you are clear of what the poem is going to be about. In short, make a draft first. You should be able to see all the unnecessary bits cluttering the poem. Cancel them off before entering everything into the computer.

I hope to see you improve. Keep writing!

Hey thanks everyone,
It is all great feedback.
Its funny to realise how much shit can go into a poem without even noticing.
HAHA i have a tendency to just blab on and it will all make sense and sound great to me when, in actual, all im doing is just writing to the point of making no sense.
The funny thing is that this peiece of writing was about 250 words longer lol.
Sorry for boring all you guys
I will try and re-write

Thanks again

I didn't think it was boring, but you explained the main idea in too many words. I liked your writing style though. It was thought provoking and definitely had a tight grip on the emotions that needed portraying.

That being said, maybe you could go back and get rid of some of the repetition? Edit it so that you don't lose the main idea but only refine it by choosing specific lines that are the strongest in this piece. If this work was you merely blabbing on, then I think it's pretty good. All it needs is revision and tight editing. I agree with the "show don't tell" advice. Use that and you'll find how much better your writing can get.

Good luck and keep writing!