Contest: God

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I press my forehead and nose on the window. It's cold even though it's in the dead of summer on Cape Cod. My mother and I are driving back to our cottage in Orleans from Provincetown, and the map of constellations is unfolding in the Milky Way before my very eyes.

An old '70s song blurts out of the radio as a vague mixture of static and a repetitive chorus. I hum the tune. It's "Angie," by the Rolling Stones. When I look back up at the stars, meeting the sand dunes in a clash at the horizon line, I realize how much more the stars have shown up in those few minutes I spent wasted, staring inside the car that I can look at any time I please.

But then, for one moment there, it's just perfect. My heart beats a little faster, and the song echoes again and again in my head. If only this could have gone on for ever, with the stars so abundant like that! But, alas, everything gets corrupted, and that millisecond, my friend, was God.




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Hmmm... I'm sorry to tell you that the deadline has been reached and the results are in. However, I will give you a few pointers.
It was a little short. For a few paragraphs it was quite good though, and I get what you are trying to say. But I would like to hear a bit more about how you are feeling, perhaps you could put a bit more description in there?

-Asxz
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




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This was interesting, and I think the story can be taken in a few ways. But I like it that way. This short story has a bit of a poetic feel to it, and it was very charming.

On to criticisms: I thought the last sentence was punctuated a bit oddly. Were you trying to say "But, alas, everything gets corrupted. And that millisecond, my friend, was God"? Or perhaps "But alas, everything gets corrupted. And IN that millisecond, my friend, was God"? Perhaps you'd want to clear that up.

I need to keep in mind that this story is short and sweet, so I don't want to ask too much from it. But I wonder, why has everything become corrupted in that moment? I'd love to know more.

Great writing, finding some ecstasy in the everyday moments.

-alec



More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes