The Path of Hurdles

i am new at writing, the new kid on the block this is one of my best poems.....
even a huge boulder had to face the harsh ragging of life by the mighty river to reach its destination into a golden, furnished grain of sand...

I was once a gigantic piece of the steep cliff block
an independent, blithe rock

unaware of the difficulties of life,
busy in my own trifles...

i was immature and young
i did not know what trials life brought

after the calm and quiet part of my life had passed
up came the trying part, swift and fast

on a hustling night, the calm breeze, now a robust wind
showed its actual power
i was forced to break off from the mighty mountain
and from it move away, far

in the depth of the blue river i fell
no matter how big, in the water i was as helpless as a deserted oyster's shell

i was ragged and ripped by the storming river
and i broke into pieces by being thrown from heights by the shower

now only a coarse piece of rock was i
on the intermediate waters of the river i had to lie

yet the tormenting of the river did not stop
i was being leveled and cropped

now i was a pebble, my surface silky and smooth
no more was i callow and crude

yet my schooling went on and on
till i was made really slight and small

now became glassy and calm the lore
led me to my destination- the shore

from the showy boulder of the mountains, i became a proficient grain of the beach
my false pride and haughtiness the immortal river leached

and made me a humble grain
small i am, but not frail
golden and magnificent i am, in my own way

my journey from the mountains to the shore wasn't worthless at all
worthless was i, in my raw form
tiny i am, but not forlorn
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Dude, this is awesome! How many times do you get to have a rock be the main character? Plus, you also went through the whole process of how he became a quartz... which is pretty cool.

Now, this is a completely awesome start... but it can be even better! Now, call me geeky, but my sister is a geophysicist-in-training, so we go off on adventures and I make her tell me about all these rock formations and stuff, because it's awesome like that. And one of the things I've learned is that most rocks are formed by pretty extreme measures. So I would love to see if you can use this sort of rock formation in your poem so that it captures the essence of humanity better. After all, this is essentially a metaphor of human life and how we grow and are broken down, right? But first, we are born! And being born (as my mother loves to remind me) is quite an experience! So the metaphor is better completed.

Also! Also! Then you get to start off with a BANG! That is, instead of saying, "
I was once a gigantic piece of the steep cliff block / an independent, blithe rock" you can say, "A volcano created me" and begin with that (if the rock is volcanic, that is... I think it might be). And let's face it. The stronger your hook, the more people are going to read the rest of your poem.

Oh! And the rest of your poem! You really don't have to say, "The moral of my story is..." In fact, it would be better if you didn't! Poetry is lovely because it's like looking in a kaleidoscope. You see the overall picture, yes, but you can also see the little parts, and it's amazing. So trust yourself and create the prettiest (or grittiest!) picture you can. Just because you're new at this doesn't mean you're bad and your work is incomprehensible. It just means that you can get better faster, with a little work.

Good luck with your edit and welcome to YWS! I hope you learn to love it here. Also, if you have any problems, just bug me.

i like this a lot! i like the fact that it is a journey and the full circle-ness of it! only thing that kind of erked me was the 'the moral of this story is...' that was a little more blatant than it needed to be i think. you could have eased it in a little more smoothly. other than that i really connected it to the real world and the path people take from childhood to old age. and though people may seem crippled in old age they are stronger and wiser than any wise 'mountain rock' good stuff. and make sure u comment other people stuff so you can keep putting up poems etc.

This is really good. Your idea is so original, and it's great!!!

I'm not a poem writer or anything like that, so I can't really criticize all that much.

Lovely work!!!

Good topic. You need to work on the rhythm and meter.

Cute and original!

Spoiler

baron.vrinda wrote:I was once a gigantic piece of the steep cliff block
an independent, blithe rock

I would suggest a less passive way to start this poem, but I'm not sure I have one. For a rock, perhaps it should begin passively?

unaware of the difficulties of life,
busy in my own trifles...

Delete these lines. They don't add anything to the poem.

i was immature and young
i did not know what trials life brought

after the calm and quiet part of my life had passed
up came the trying part, swift and fast

Only e.e. cummings gets away with no capitalization. Also, "life" seems a bit too specific. "Existence" seems more appropriate. I can think of all these rock puns too. "I was not yet hardened..." ect. But there's something awkward about this transition, it almost comes too fast. Try:

I was young and immature
I knew nothing of life's trials
When the calm, quiet part of my life had passed
Then the trying part came up swift and fast.

I feel like this connects the two better, but I'm still not very happy with it. Tinker for a while with the language.

on a hustling night, the calm breeze, now a robust wind
showed its actual power
i was forced to break off from the mighty mountain
and from it move away, far

The "hustling night"... what a wonderful phrase! Cut: "calm breeze, now a". Also, change "I was forced to break off" (which is way too passive) into "forced off" which has more action. Then, change the last line into something more like "I thundered
down the valley, to places distant." The whole thing with my edits would read:

On a hustling night, the robust wind
showed its true power.
Forced to break off the mighty mountain,
I thundered down the valley, to places distant.

I'd try to make it like that, only much much better.

in the depth of the blue river i fell
no matter how big, in the water i was as helpless as a deserted oyster's shell

i was ragged and ripped by the storming river
and i broke into pieces by being thrown from heights by the shower

I often love simplicity in writing, but "blue" could certainly be replaced by a more gutsy adjective to describe a river. Cut "deserted". There could be less passive and more active word choices here too. Consider:

No matter how large, the water rendered me as helpless as an oyster's shell.

The last two lines there, seem a little off. I like "I was ragged and ripped" but "storming" bothers me slightly. Not a huge deal. The second line says something very similar to the first, so I would cut the "and". No need to mention being knocked off the mountain again, cut the rest of that line.

I was ragged and ripped by the furious river,
It broke me into pieces and scattered me all around.

Sound better? Maybe.

now only a coarse piece of rock was i
on the intermediate waters of the river i had to lie

yet the tormenting of the river did not stop
i was being leveled and cropped

Cut "now", as we're talking about the past. "Intermediate" is certainly the wrong word. I'm not sure what you meant by that. Cut "leveled" in the last line for the same reason.

now i was a pebble, my surface silky and smooth
no more was i callow and crude

yet my schooling went on and on
till i was made really slight and small

What you need to do here, and in the following lines is find a good way to distinguish pebbles and rocks and grains. You can't just keep saying "I got smaller". Also, cut "really". I love "callow and crude" and schooling seems appropriate, surprisingly.

now became glassy and calm the lore
led me to my destination- the shore

from the showy boulder of the mountains, i became a proficient grain of the beach
my false pride and haughtiness the immortal river leached

Cut "now".No need to rhyme those lines, so lose "the lore" and change the next line to "I was led to my destination..." I like the last lines quite a bit.

and made me a humble grain
small i am, but not frail
golden and magnificent i am, in my own way

my journey from the mountains to the shore wasn't worthless at all
worthless was i, in my raw form
tiny i am, but not forlorn

Delete the entire last stanza. It's redundant, the stanza before has the better ending.

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I was pleasantly surprised by this, there's definitely a lot of immaturity in your writing, but this comes across as an especially spirited attempt. You have an interesting voice that I have difficulty adapting too, I think it will mature over time but I found this a unique poem, and a unique challenge.