Understanding

This is one that i wrote one night, obsessing about a girl, realising it wasnt worth it

Hope you like:

The border must not be crossed
It must stay real and true, without complications
Because the truth is;
There is no future beyond this line
There never was.
Pain and regret would surely follow

The over-stepped line shows no remorse,
It is truly unforgiving and relentless
Like a serpent wrapping itself around and never letting go
Growing ever tighter, soon to run out of breath

How could he possibly know right from wrong
When he does not begin to comprehend
The repercussions involved?
Will it ever make sense to him?
Who knows?

He will spend hours in complete darkness waiting,
Hoping for an answer that when thought about
Was always right in front of him,
Urging him to stay on the path
Stay on track and never lose focus of the goal
The most precious thing of all
Understanding

I like this a lot- your comparisons to a constricting snake were particularly apt. Overall, a good representation of what you must have been feeling.
Some advice for the future: splash a few more images in there. Paint more of a picture, maybe. Then again, since this is all about logic and feeling, it might be all right.
Good work.

Hey, Azz! I'm considered one of the more... er... harsher of YWS, but I do really want to help you, so if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

First of all, I read your poem, and it seemed like you loved adjectives, maybe a bit too much. For example, let me show you your poem without any adjectives or adverbs:

The border must not be crossed
It must stay without complications
Because the truth is;
There is no future beyond this line
There never was.
Pain and regret would follow

The line shows no remorse,
It is
Like a serpent wrapping itself around and never letting go
Growing, soon to run out of breath

How could he know right from wrong
When he does not begin to comprehend
The repercussions involved?
Will it ever make sense to him?
Who knows?

He will spend hours in darkness waiting,
Hoping for an answer that when thought about
Was always right in front of him,
Urging him to stay on the path
Stay on track and never lose focus of the goal
The thing of all
Understanding

So obviously, some of your words don't really make sense, but look how bland the poem is now! It's really, really bland and tasteless, which means that you're spending way too much time looking for the right adjective or adverbs. You have to realize, first and foremost, that poetry is all about the conflict. And the best way to describe conflict is through nouns and verbs. Why? Because that gives it a stronger, more forceful feel to the poem than adjectives and adverbs. Even with soft poems, which are designed to flow nice and smooth, you still want to smack the reader senseless with the power of the words.

Check this soft poem out:

The Mill, by Edwin Arlington Robinson

The miller's wife had waited long,
The tea was cold, the fire was dead;
And there might yet be nothing wrong
In how he went and what he said:
"There are no millers any more,"
Was all that she heard him say;
And he had lingered at the door
So long it seemed like yesterday.

Sick with a fear that had no form
She knew that she was there at last;
And in the mill there was a warm
And mealy fragrance of the past.
What else there was would only seem
To say again what he had meant;
And what was hanging from a beam
Would not have heeded where she went.

And if she thought it followed her,
She may have reasoned in the dark
That one way of the few there were
Would hide her and would leave no mark:
Black water, smooth above the weir
Like starry velvet in the night,
Though ruffled once, would soon appear
The same as ever to the sight.

Count how many adjectives and adverbs there are. Then count how many nouns and verbs. Now, he did use adjectives, but most of the adjectives that were used were designed to create an effect. Go through the poem again. What effect did they create?

So basically, you need to be very careful about your word choice. It makes a huge impact on the reader, and you just want to knock the reader out with your imagery.

Another thing, since we're on the same subject. You used a lot of "filler words." I'm not sure if I can describe this... basically, you used a lot of words that could be said a lot more concisely, for no particular reason. For example:

Hoping for an answer that when thought about
Was always right in front of him,

This was the grossest example (and by gross, I mean its literal definition, not disgusting). You could have said, "Hoping for the answer that was always right in front" and said it in a clearer way which made just as much (or more) sense. So look out for these sorts of fillers.

You're probably ready to shoot me now, so I'll stop with all this negativity. I just really, really like poetry and such. However, I would like to tell you what I actually really liked, since there were parts in here which I thought, "Yay! I wish I had come up with it." Because there were moments like this.

He will spend hours in complete darkness waiting,
Hoping for an answer

I really like these lines, actually, because they are quiet, yet they convey a sense of despair that is really powerful. It's not wishy-washy, it's not trying to convey a message, it's not trying to prove anything--it just is, and that's what makes it so powerful. Plus, the imagery is great. I mean, you can't obviously see him, but you can feel his presence, possibly in his bedroom, and I can imagine him looking out the window and seeing nothing, even though there is a blanket of stars up above. Or something like that. And I can totally hear his ragged breath, which is awesome.

Me, have an overactive imagination? Never!

But yeah. Good start! Refine, revise, and PM me if you post the improved version.

Plus, now that the adjectives are out, more questions come up. The line shows no remorse? Interesting metaphor, but you never expand on it. What does this mean? And also, you keep on using the words, "right" and "wrong" but you never actually define what it is. It's just some vague term that is thrown in there.

the poem is really beautiful!
i really like it...

This was really cool. I like how you didn't have a rhyme, and you had what I call a rhythm for lack of a better word, but it was scattered and almost misplaced, but also placed so perfectly at he same time. Quite abstract and wordy, you might want to throw in some more imagery? But I really do like it. Great Job!
~Lukan

"The border must not be crossed It must stay real and true, without complications Because the truth is;There is no future beyond this line There never was.Stay on track and never lose focus of the goalThe most precious thing of all Understanding" I love these lines, they were my favorite. overall i really loved this poem, one nit-pick all the lines start capitalized. only capitilize the beginings of sentances.