Memories (before and after)

I wrote the 'before' about three years ago and reading it over I got a better idea of how to write it and now think the old version is rather terrible. Tell me which one you like better. You don't have to critique both, just one would be great.

BEFORE

The Oceans Memories

You hold your own memories inside the corner of your mind.
Who holds the oceans memories and its past we must remind?
Who would be so kind to hold all the memories that we leave behind?
The sunshine will not take them and the moon too does resign.
Who will take the painful ones and your memories of dying?
Who will hold the memories in which you agonize?
Or the memories where in you suffer and strive?
The flowers will not embrace them and the trees too do decline.
Who will take the memories in which you fall short and fail?
Who will take the memories in which your body breaks, thin and frail?
Who will take the oceans past and its presence soon to join?
Who will take the memories of all that we must morn?
Who will take our past away, our mistakes, and our error?
The ocean will not take them so it is for us to bear.
No one can take a past away no matter the death and pain.
Everyone has a past to accept in which we all disdain.

AFTER

Memories

You hold your own memories inside the corner of your mind.
Who holds the oceans memories and its past we must remind?
Who would be so kind to hold the thoughts we leave behind?
The bookkeeper shelves too much of her own,
and the builder is busy breaking down old lies.

Who will take your painful ones and your memories of dying?
Who will hold the memories that stir up tears you agonize?
Or the memories in which you suffer and strive?
The shop owner won’t stop his reminiscing,
and the blacksmith forg’s ancient grudges so he must decline.

Who will take the memories in which you fall short and fail?
Who will take the memories in which you body breaks, thin and frail?
Who will take the oceans past its presence soon to join?
Who will take the memories of what we regret and morn?
Who will take our past away, our mistakes and our error?
The poet simply writes of hers, so it is for us to bear.
No one can take our pasts away, no matter the death and pain;
Everyone has a past to accept in which we all disdain.

I definitely prefer the 'After' one as it is the basis of the 'Before' but it is better.
I really like your ideas in this poem and it causes one to think, which isn't such a bad thing.
It made me reflect and think which I liked, as it wasn't just pretty words.
Sorry I am not so good at critiquing.
Hope this helps

Eh... the inherent problems with each of these poems poem center on the fact that you're asking questions and not going further with those questions. All of the question you ask can be developed further and be made into other poems that are a whole lot more interesting.

You see, poetry is all about making it as juicy as possible. If you've ever had dried fruit, you know that fruit actually doesn't weigh that much at all. Just compare a raisin to a grape... it's amazing to think that a raisin was once a grape! But it's because it contains all that juice that makes it fleshy and good. (Not that dried fruit is necessarily bad... I just like fresh fruit better). So it is true that, "The poet simply writes of hers, so it is for us to bear." So in order to more poetic, you have to do this.

Now, try this exercise. Let's take out the questions and answer them.

Who holds the oceans memories and its past we must remind?

This question is clumsily worded and it seems like you twisted it beyond comprehension so that it sounds pretty. I don't understand the question though.

Who would be so kind to hold the thoughts we leave behind?
Who will take your painful ones and your memories of dying?
Who will hold the memories that stir up tears you agonize?
Or the memories in which you suffer and strive?

These are interesting questions. If we use the sea analogy, it makes it particularly interesting because you can almost see the sea swelling with all the thoughts that dissipated from all the drowned sailors. Maybe the reason why it tosses so much is because the ocean has been exposed to feelings of hatred, of insignificance, of fear because it soaks up the drowned thoughts and ideas. So instead of merely asking questions, you can strike up a visual as the ocean tossing in agony as the memories of the drowned stream through its conscience and torture him forevermore. That would be cool. Because, let's face it, striking imagery, inherent conflict, and personification are awesome.

I think the other questions are a bit more superfluous, so I'm just ignoring them. Because I suck. >.>

Anyway, the reason why I am being annoying and stuff is because I typically start poetry with either a question or an image. Since questions are easier to come by in this crazy world, I'll usually do those. And mind you, my poetry sucks. Really bad. I wouldn't suggest you to read it for answers. But the thing is that you have a lot of interesting questions here... so why not use them and develop a striking imagery that knocks the reader down with its power?

Best of luck!

Very interesting, but the rhyming structure is confusing. Are you trying to make lines rhyme at certain points or just anywhere in the play? Good, but not great with some more work it can be something magnificent you just need to fix the structure of it a little more and it will be perfect!