The Poltergeist, Natalie Creed

Alright. please review and comment- the usual. OH! i haven't finished the first chapter yet. i just went your opnion, should i even continue. is it worth a star or is it worth a trip to the trash can on my computer?


Prologue

My name is Natalie Creed. I live in the middle of nowhere on tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic called Belle Island. I don’t know if many of you know this, but on the Atlantic side we get really big storms and beautiful beaches. I hate it here. You might think I’m stupid for not appreciating my walking distance to the beautiful surf material beaches, but you’re not me. The reason I’m saying this is not because everyone’s different, I know that, it’s just that I’m really different. I’m not talking about how not everyone has my unnaturally blue eyes and short blond hair. No. I’m talking about my ability to see things.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “She see’s dead people,” you might say. Well it’s not like that… Actually yes it is. I can see ghosts. Don’t say it. Don’t say that you’ve seen them too, because once again, you’re wrong. I might sound harsh, but I’m right. Oh and all those pictures you’ve seen with those orbs and lightning in them. Those aren’t ghosts.
Don’t tell me I’m wrong because- here let’s say it together- I’m right and you’re wrong. But seeing ghosts isn’t half of it. I have these visions that show me a certain person one night, living a normal happy life. Then in the middle of the next night it shows me their death. The thing is, I know what the person looks like and their name, but I can’t do anything. No one would believe me. And that’s why I’m keeping it a secrett. I haven’t told anyone about my powers, and I hadn’t intended to tell anyone until that one summer when we moved to the United States.













Chapter one

We had bought our rental car and were driving to Maryland. And by “we” I mean “my parents”. They aren’t my real parents. They’re my adoptive parents. I also have an adoptive older brother who I look up to.
Anyway, the windows were rolled down as I held my head out to let the hot summer air blast my face. I looked around and saw the millions of people walking on tours around the memorials. They were taking pictures and eating greasy foods. I felt like an alien. I looked like a regular Anglo American, but I didn’t feel custom to their…customs.
My adoptive mother, who I’ve called Carol ever since I was ten, was a nurse. She drove me nuts. She treats me like a baby that doesn’t even know how to crawl yet. I’m thirteen now and my body isn’t sure if it was still that little ten year old girl, or the thirteen year old woman.
My adoptive dad on the other hand, Jim, I like. We have a lot in common. He’s a marine biologist, graduated from St. Mary’s in southern Maryland. My family loves animals, except for Kris.
Kris is my adoptive brother. I think I told you that I look up to him. Well I only do that when he stands up for himself. It lets me have confidence in myself. The rest of the time he’s an insensitive jerk. He likes to pick on me a lot, even though I try and please him. He also has a girlfriend, Lexie. They text each other all the time. That annoying ring every time she replies. I guess it’s a good thing that we took her with us on our summer vacation.
“Hey Natalie, do you have any gum?” Lexie asked. She was practically sitting on me. Her bony but digging into my thighs.
I tried not to answer her by ignoring her. I thought maybe she’d think I couldn’t hear her with my head out the window, but she kept asking.
“Natalie, why don’t I roll up the window?” Carol said already pressing the button. I quickly slid back into my seat.
“So do you have any gum?” Lexie asked again.
“No,” I replied. Lexie has long brown hair that she constantly flips. I think it’s a quirk, kind of like my ability to see ghosts. Of course I don’t think when Lexie flips her hair that something happens. Except Kris, who looks like he got shot with a tranquilizer filled with dope. When Lexie doesn’t get her way, she pouts. And her pouting face looks like one sucking on a lemon. The reason I bring this up is because she was doing it now. She also squints her eyes like she’s studying you. I just like to think she’s trying to comprehend the word “no”.
“Natalie, do you have my IPod?” Kris asked. My mother, who was driving the car, turned around.
“Carol,” Jim yelled, taking the steering wheel. Carol quickly turned around and swerved back into the correct lane. We all laughed in the back seat.
“Sorry, I was just going to tell Kris that he needs to keep track of his own stuff,”
“But Mom,”
“No buts, she’s right,” Jim said. He was reading a newspaper article about dolphins and their migration. I had taken a quick glance at it before we had left on the airplane. Lexie smiled, and Kris blushed.
“You’re so cute when you do that,” she said, tugging at his cheek…
TO BE CONTINUED…

Hi. ^^ I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today. My past reviews have been a bit harsh, so if I seem like that at all, it's nothing personal. It's just the way I roll. ^^

Well, on to the review!

i. Nit-picks

My name is Natalie Creed.

This isn't a good hook. We are told nothing about the plot, nothing about the character (besides her name, but that's not nearly important as her personality and everything else), and overall nothing about the story. Try for something a little more gripping and informative. ^^

Now I know what you’re thinking. “She see’s dead people,” you might say. Well it’s not like that… Actually yes it is. I can see ghosts. Don’t say it. Don’t say that you’ve seen them too, because once again, you’re wrong. I might sound harsh, but I’m right. Oh and all those pictures you’ve seen with those orbs and lightning in them. Those aren’t ghosts.

Err. This part is kinda run-on; it just sounds like jabbering and rambling. She doesn't see dead people, but oh wait she does. And what's with the stuff about orbs and lighting? You can introduce all this stuff later as part of the action; there's no need to go pouring it all out in one hurried paragraph.

secrett.

What's a "secrett?"

Her bony but

Should be "butt."

“Natalie, do you have my IPod?”

Should be "iPod."

ii. Characters

I don't like your MC much. She's too whiny all in the first chapter. Her mom bugs her, her brother bugs her, she has weird dreams, she doesn't fit in, etc. It's all about her. That can get seriously annoying to some readers. Play it safer and start with an action or drama scene instead of this character talking about herself.

iii. Plot

You have a pretty generic plot here, (kid with strange powers) but that's not a bad thing at all as long as you think of ways to make it original and all your own.

One thing that's slightly confusing: is the first chapter a flashback from the prologue? If so, please make that a bit more clear. Actually, if I were writing this, I would nix the prologue entirely - it doesn't add much to the story, it's just the protagonist talking about herself. I'd like to find out more about her through actions instead of exposition.

I liked the scene in the car; it's cute in an earthy sort of way. I like this family; maybe they're slightly dysfunctional, but they still know how to laugh together. Nice job making them seem real.

Nice job. ^^ PM me if you have any questions. Let me know when the next installment's out, too.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Hello!

Yay for ghost stories! I always liked them, especially if they're written well. This reminds me of a couple of children's books I've read (not the baby stuff--the bigger stuff) which is good, because I like that sort of stuff!

Now, on to comments! I think it might be better to combine the prologue with the first chapter, just because in the first chapter, you're introducing people whereas in the first chapter, you're introducing yourself, and it might be cool to just do it in one feel-swoop, if that makes sense.

Also, one thing that is annoying me is that your main character keeps on arguing with the reader and saying that we suck, especially in the prologue. It's annoying because I kept on getting hung up on it as I read it and I almost missed the uniqueness of how she sees ghosts. And that's the other thing! It sounds like she sees, not ghosts, but visions. So instead of arguing with the reader that she is right, she can argue that it wasn't just a creepy vision but a true ghost and how she comes across them, etc.

Chapter one seems really... unfinished. So I'm not really going to comment on that. But I don't think she would admit to the reader that she looks up to her brother, just because she seems to be the rebellious kind of person.

Anyway, that's it, I think. Keep it up! The world needs more ghost stories!

I live in the middle of nowhere on a tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic called Belle Island.

I think this was a bit repetitive, and you were missing an "a". I would save the name of the island for the next sentence. See below.

I don’t know if many of you know this, but on the Atlantic side we get really big storms and beautiful beaches.

I'm not sure I'm liking the narrator speaking directly to me. I'm reviewing it as I read, so I might change my mind. I would edit this, to fill in with the name, and since you said that the island is in the middle of the Atlantic, I don't see how a particular side could be the "Atlantic" side:
"You may not know this, but the beautiful beaches of Belle Island often suffer massive storms.

Oh and all those pictures you’ve seen with those orbs and lightning in them. Those aren’t ghosts.

I really liked this part, and I do know what you mean. She knows what she's talking about, and I'm pretty intrigued already.

We had bought our rental car and were driving to Maryland.

Rental cars are rented, not bought.

That's about how far I could read, and then it became very hard to follow. I would suggest you read through your work thoroughly, and polish until it shines. And the narrator thing didn't work for me, and I'm sorry for that. I've got a picky taste when it comes to these things. I will try again later, to see if you've made progress. I, for one, did like your MC. Don't change her. Change the way she tells us about her.

Okay, just a short one from me. You need to learn how to show, and not tell. I suppose that in the prologue, it is fine the way that it is, but you should still tell us less. It seems like you're talking to us, and basically giving us the whole plot and leaving nothing mysterious. Yeas, i know that that it what I prologue was supposed to be... in Shakespeare-ian times! But everything has changed now, so you meet readers looking for a hook, adventure, excitement from the FIRST page. Now the first page is the prologue, so how about you show us what it's like. It may jest be me, but this could improve a lot if you take a browse through the resources part of the site. There are numerous articles trying to make you get of the talking, and into the doing, but the easiest way for me is to imagine I am the character, and describe what I see. This could be anything... but I'm a little confused about your prologue.
Okay, I'll be frank. I didn't read the first chapter, and if the first chapter is a bit more showy, then forgive me, but pretend that I am your average Joanna in the books store. I read the prologue, and, even thought it seemed to have a good plot, it didn't hook me in, and it looked to be the sort of book that is half full of the MC trying to convince you that it is real,m and not - as it so obviously is - fiction. I don;t want to read about a winy character who always thinks that they are right. If wanted to do that, I would read a book about myself. (I'm not joking there... I really need to get out of that habit)
And another thing about your prologue, it doesn't have a setting. Yes, I know. You tell us that the poltergeist is in the Atlantic. But that isn't what I am talking about. Tell us about the beautiful beaches, how the waves crash at just the right moments, and the sand feels like a band of silk melting between your toes. I skimmed over the first chapter as I made my way down to the quick reply box, and they are in a car? I don't see any description of the trees, beaches, tarmac, other cars! Just slip something n there, like; I ducked my head into the car when a saw a massive truck looming up ahead. Those things, I have learned, kick up a powerful wave of air when you pass them.

But over all, I think you need to imagine being the character, and tell us what you see, hear, smell (salt and brine, mainly I would guess) taste and touch. Don't just say; We get big storms.
Describe the storms, make it so we first meet the character in the middle of a storm, or she is on the beach (in the prologue) and describe the beach, then later put a storm in, or something like that. Just make it more... realistic? Don't try to describe a photograph, but make us paint a picture. That way we can make things, as I said, more realistic. We don't want to know that you hate it. We want to know what is there, and why you hate it so much. Because you are a poltergeist doesn't mean you can blame your crappy life and visions on the island! Also, describe what the character is doing along with the story. Break up conversation with description, and description with conversation.

one more thing... Sorry, this is taking longer than I thought... don't tell us you have visions. Maybe you could start the first chapter with a vision, then have her wake up in the car, knowing that the person who she has just seen will die in twenty-four hours! Explain it to us that way.

Okay, ta-ta for now. But I do hope that you continue this, and make it more descriptive. Good plot line!

You should remove the prologue. If there is anything you wrote there that you can't bear to live without, then you can incorporate it in Chapter One. The reason why I say you can get rid of everything in the prologue is because all the information you give us in that section is stuff you can introduce later. In fact, it is better if you do introduce it later. You have an entire book with which to tell us about her special gifts. I'd prefer to learn about it when she gets to that part of her story and not before!

Another thing you should avoid are lines like this...

"Hi, my name is Griffinkeeper. Let me tell you about my life story..."

This is great for Alcoholics Anonymous, but terrible for a narrative. I can all ready feel myself tuning out to that last sentence, even though it is about me. You can not assume that the reader is going to love your character when they pick up the book, any more than you can expect to marry someone two seconds after you start talking to them.

You should take the time to introduce the character in her natural environment. You should present her in such a way that we become interested in her character. The easiest way to do this is to show the character going through something which the audience can relate to.

The moving experience is a good one, but I would focus more on her reaction to moving. Some people look at it is a time of new opportunity, others are miserable because they had to leave their friends. By showing how they deal with it, the reader can infer a lot of knowledge about the individual characters without any additional narration.

Your character would probably be paying more attention to their reactions (or be otherwise immersed in her own feelings) instead of detailing their relationships to her. Remember you have an entire book to flesh these out.

The most important thing to do in this first chapter is to give us a character we can care about. If you can present that character to us in such a way that they are interesting, then you will have us hooked for a little while longer.