This is the result of me writing when I'm tired, when I've had a lot of beer, when I'm pissed off at my friends, when I feeling pretty lonely, and when I'm listening to Snow Patrol:
The forced hugs of necessity. The pretence of happiness and artificial smiles. The politeness you adhere to. The falseness that clouds your eyes, weighs down your heart and soul. You think they’ll notice you sitting there, with your head hidden, your posture slumped, not talking, not caring. But they don’t. They carry on regardless, ignorant of your mind’s torment as the past and future swirl around, making you feel sick with regret, guilt, love. You can’t tell them. They’re all dancing to the music, caught in the enjoyment, caught up in the moment, while all you can think about is the moments that have already passed. Even a creamy chocolate doesn’t brighten your mood, succulent and soothing as it may be. The shiny baubles and glittering tinsel can’t budge your overwhelming depression. Who ever said everyone was happy at Christmas?
You sure didn’t. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, they sing, regardless of the fact that to you, Christmas is just another festive holiday of anguish and distress as the memories you cling on to batter your heart to pieces. At least she gave you a card. Even if she won’t respond to your text messages, a card shows some form of caring? Or is it just another predisposed function that everyone follows because it’s the norm? What does a Christmas card symbolise? That you exist in their life?
It sure doesn’t mean they still love you. Even five pints of Stella hasn’t altered my mind on that matter yet. Does the number of Xs they write on the card show anything? Does the way they put little stars on the envelope? Someone should write down a list of rules, so you can look it up, and realise what people mean. Otherwise you’re just lost in a confusing world of different purposes being chased by everyone. One person may never place Xs, reserving them for the special one in their life. Others display them freely, sharing it with everyone. So what does she do?
She didn’t give you a present. Does that mean you’re no longer close? You got her a lousy box of chocolates, does that mean you like her, but your tentative about whether you want to overstate your intentions? Dishing out on expensive jewellery may make her feel guilty, may make her feel good, may make her feel stupid, but most of all it’ll make your wallet seem a lot lighter. In this day and age Christmas is based on materialism, but in the ever-changing technology environment, someone should post a guideline for gifts, cards, and love.
mim x
Seriously though, I can totally understand the emotion yu were going for.
