The Raffle

Prologue | The Drawing

On the twenty-ninth of May, 1985, over half of the world’s population turned on their television sets to watch what would become an exciting moment in history – broadcast live.
After the appropriate channel was selected, many viewers expiernced a second of blackness before the screen lit up with color.

The words RAFFLE DRAWING appeared in purple cursive letters over a drab gray factory; there we large glass bins filled with thousands of little paper slips.
The camera centered towards a handsome man his forties was walking down the hallway.

“Hello,” said he, in a thick English accent. “I’m James Keene, your host and the organizer of the raffle. Welcome to London, England. For eight months, you waited as you entered your names in an amazing opportunity. I am using my money and my connections to create a heaven for you – just ten of you. And that is what we come here to decide – who will be able to spend their summer in an old English Castle which I renovated.”

He went on to review what else was included if you won; they were things which everyone new. The people were watching were anxious to get to the drawing. So, they were pleased when James Keene said, “Without further ado, let’s get to the drawing. I shall be doing the honors.”

The camera man followed him into the large room with the glass bins. “Who will our lucky first one be?” He wondered out loud as he paced around the room, finally choosing a box to pick from.

“Drum roll please,” he ordered, and the factory workers stopped what they were doing and began to hit against the bins they were handling.

“Dorothy Gardiner, of Atlanta, Georgia,” he said, “is our first winner. Congratulations Dorothy. Your family will be receiving a phone call containing more information.”

Mr. Keene but the slip of paper in the garbage, and when he turned back, he smiled, knowing that many people would be disappointed.

“Don’t worry! We still have nine more names to draw!” Without further ado, he immediately went to the first bin he saw, taking out the slip.

“Lucy Ellington, of Liverpool, England – congratulations, Lucy.”

The process dragged on until all of the names were called. The winners were Lucy
Ellington, Dorothy Gardiner, Joseph Araya, Zane Patterson, Marta Vasquez, Mandy Velizinos, Gavin Wolfe, Zhang Quito, Sylvie Crockett and Ryan Nelson . Mr. Keene gave more information about the arranged flights for the winners – they would all be flying in first class, and they would meet each other at the airport. With that, the camera flickered off.

The program was over, and soon the ten would be moving to face their destiny.

Hiya!

So, this work. I wasn't really all that interested. There wasn't any sign of conflict I could see in the prose. All we get is a listing of events without all that much emotional involvement from any characters. It is possible to do a good omniscient prose, but you need to have good figurative language and conflict right from the start in order for that tone to work. Often, it is easier to simply tell the story from one character's PoV. That way, you can dig into their head and have the reader connect with the work emotionally.

If you absolutely didn't want a character in here, cut the lists and journalistic style of writing. Don't simply list the facts, but put in some conflict and emotion, as I mentioned before.

PM me with questions.

~Rosey

Hey Elinor. ^^

Hmm, yes, I agree with Rosey. You seem to have written this opening chapter just to get the plot and characters out there. There's nothing really wrong about the writing itself, but it's so detached, the way this scene is told-- I'd suggest focusing on one of the lucky winners as they watched the program. Their reactions, their thoughts. Or, if not that, the viewpoint of Mr. Keene himself. Is he genuinely excited for the people whose names he's calling, or would he rather be watching the tennis tournament and he's only putting on a bright smile because he's getting paid to? Add some depth and reaction to the scene. You're juts throwing out facts to get the plot rolling, and that's generally a bad idea. ^^

The winners were Lucy

Ellington, Dorothy Gardiner, Joseph Araya, Zane Patterson, Marta Vasquez, Mandy Velizinos, Gavin Wolfe, Zhang Quito, Sylvie Crockett and Ryan Nelson . Mr. Keene gave more information about the arranged flights for the winners – they would all be flying in first class, and they would meet each other at the airport. With that, the camera flickered off.

These names mean absolutely nothing to us. We won't remember any of them, and I myself juts skimmed them. Take this out and introduce characters when you're actually introducing them, not just listing names.

Other than that, just work on the presentation of this chapter. ~_^ The premise itself seems extremely promising, and I'm always so intrigued when people get thrown together randomly into similar situations. =D So fun to read about. But you need a beginning that gives reader more than these bland facts.

PM me for anything, as well.

~Evi

Like some of the other reviewers, I was a little disappointed. Nothing happens. Or at least, nothing that really makes me feel anticipation.
Yes, its a raffle-lottery-thing. Whoo-hoo. Its an old English castle, yes, but why are people from all around the world participating? Even in Big Brother, which I'm guessing this is based on a bit, everybody was English. Explain the eye candy in it for Americans.
Also, I don't get James Keene the presenter. One moment he's, well, a presenter, the next he's a 'historical building' renovator? Help me out here.
And I felt that, I dunno, you could have had a thing of 'In Atlanta, Georgia, Dorothy Gardiner's mouth swung open', you know? Don't just list off the names, introduce them a little via point-of-view switching.
So yeah. More introductions, more on how people from Atlanta, Georgia would participate in it, that sort of thing, and it could be awesomesauce.

What the other reviewers have said about nothing happening is true. However, because it is so short, it is easy to tolerate this. The main worry is if you go through more of nothing happening in the subsequent chapters to actually set up the story. I do get a sense of "what's going to happen?" because obviously this castle's not going to be what they're expecting. Perhaps haunted or something. A little foreshadowing would help get this across and hook readers.

*hey, was this one in the storybooks??

okay.... the story is good and in the first part you had introduced the characters to the reader.

However, whether or not this is a first draft, there must be some detail. For example when you spoke of the man as being hnadsome...how handsome is he?? describe his hair, hsi dress, his tone of the voice and his face.

Other than that, i like the plot...it gives suspense in a way becasue the reader wants to know on what will happen to these people.

Well, this would certainly work if it is a small piece of a larger work of fiction. The fact that you list names without going into them with detail doesn't bother me so much, as long as you do go into detail about them soon in the larger work (if it is a larger work, which I hope).

Overall, if this is part of a larger work I have no real problems with it. It kept me interested, which is most certainly the main goal of writing. You can have all the detail in the world, but if it's uninteresting, you lose.

So, keep writing. Expand the story. Give detail to the characters, but don't do it all at once. There's nothing more boring than two straight pages of details regarding your characters. And, if you'd like, restrict your details to things that are purely relevant about the type of person your characters are. Make the details given reflect something about the characters' essences, if you follow me. Don't give the reader "throw-away" details.

Good luck and have fun with this.