You're What? (i didn't know where else to put this)

This maybe tough. I'm sure by the end of the 1st paragraph that you will start to figure things out.



As I laid there, sweating in bed, my partner leaned over and kissed the top of my head and then got up and readied himself for work. He was a lawyer, recently graduated from Stanford Law. I was a college drop-out only able to work at the local Peaches Ice Cream. I didn't care if I was a drop out. I had William. He loved me and I loved him.

"I'll see you when I get home babe. I've got a big case today so I could be late," he said after kissing my lips as I laid still breathless. I laid there for a bit thinking about thing to do today since William was to be late. The phone rang.

"Hello? Oh hey Missy. I was just thinking about calling you. Hey, do you want to get together later? Sure I'll see ya a 6." I hung up the phone and decided I should get in the shower.

The phone rang again. By this time 2 hours had passed since William had left, and I straightened my lush brown hair. "Hello? What? Oh my God! I'm on my way!" I hung up the phone and yanked the electric cord on my straightener out of the wall. I threw on my boots and ran down stairs grabbed my winter jacket. In too much of hurry to put it on.

William had walked to lunch with a friend when he slid on the ice and broke his ankle.

I ran to my car and turned the key. It didn't start. I tried again and this time it roared to life. I pulled out of the drive, tires squealing as I did. I raced down the street thinking nothing of the speed limit, only about William. I pulled into the drive at the E.R. and ran through the waiting room to the front desk. "William McNeil," I panted.

"Room 6," said the fair haired nurse at the desk.

Pushing open the double doors, I ran through and nearly missed his room. I skidded to a halt in the room and was greeted with a bear hug from Rich--the friend he walked to lunch with.

"He was unconscious when he hit the ground," said Rich as I turned my attention to my unconscious husband lying limp on the bed. I walked around to the side of the bed and kissed his soft lips. I turned to leave but William came to.

"M-Mia..." he said groggily.

"I'm here," I replied, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Hey man. How ya feelin'?" asked Rich who had embraced me again as I sobbed into his massive chest. William tried to sit up to comfort me but was engulfed by the pain that his ankle caused him.

I felt nauseous. I ran to the bathroom and promptly threw up. Something was wrong. I was not a squeamish girl. There was something else. I washed my hands and went back to the room.

"Hello? What? Oh my God! I'm on my way!"

Seems a little extreme/rushed for just a swollen ankle. I expected some huge car wreck or something. Maybe have here ask if he was okay, where he was exactly, ask again what had happened, etc. Otherwise, it feels like you're setting us up for a life/death situation, only to give us a broken ankle. But maybe your character's just rather extreme in her emotions. If she's pregnant, which is what I think you might have been hinting at there at the end, then maybe it's not so bad.

To tell you the truth, I was prepared for a piece where the guy needs to 'stay out late for work' only to use the time to cheat on his wife/girlfriend/partner. She then finds out about it and her heart is broken. I was actually pleased when it didn't turn out that way. Bravo on that! But the extremity of her reaction sort of throws off the groove, you know? Even if you keep all the words you currently have in her dialogue line right there, you could probably add a few more to tone it down -- just a tad, mind you. Keep it brief enough that it still feels urgent, but... not so brief as you have right now.

Otherwise, pretty good. Really like how you don't come out and tell us why she felt sick right then at the end -- lets us put the pieces together ourselves. Well done.

I liked how William is just minorly injured at the the end, it was different than usual stories about this sort of thing. I think maybe this could go in Romantic Fiction, if you are going to continue to write it.
~peanut~

Thanks guys! That felt good to be complimented on something like that cuz on all of my other stories, people usually rip them to shreads.

I thought about Romantic Fiction btu I have an idea on where it's going and it didn't fit in Romantic Fiction.

Thanks again!

*Courtney*

It was an okay story to me and I liked how you kept us guessing what is wrong with the woman closer to the end when she was throwing up. The only mistake that I saw was in this sentence when you wrote : "Hello? Oh hey Missy. I was just thinking about calling you. Hey, do you want to get together later? Sure I'll see ya a 6." I hung up the phone and decided I should get in the shower.
I think you meant "Sure I'll see ya at six" Well anyway, I hope you continue to write this story because it sounds good.
~LRJack89

*sniffle* Outstanding. Good about of detail.

The only thing that I would advise messing with is everything happened so fast. It took me a minute to realize when things were happening. When I got that I loved it.

A broken ankle. I guess she's really attached to him. I would like you to keep writing. You're good. What's with the puking? I guess we won't know until the next part is out.

Hi, I'm Rena.
IT was good. The only thing that I'd say would be to mess around with it a little. It all seems so crammed and sped up. It's a little rushed to me. And the phone conversations were a little over dramatized for a broken ankle. If you'd show the dialogue for the other person, maybe we'd understand what they said to make her react as she did. Maybe they made it seem worse than it was? I don't know. But it was good. Keep going. I'm wondering what happens next.