Wrath of a Grecian Moon

Hey, well, please please please review. I really need to know if this is worth working with or not. Thanks!

~*~
Above my head, the Goddess Artemis cast down her pearly light which in turn made my shadow dance lithely atop the water. I sat perfectly still; the only thing moving was my frosty white hair billowing around my hunched form. A cloud passed in front of the moon, concealing me from Artemis, and I felt a temporary relief well up throughout my being. It did not last long though, for soon the wind was pushing the cloud off into foreign lands.

I whimpered and felt the soft sound resonate through my bones. Being stuck as a wolf was painful, and the rocky shore ahead of me looked inviting. I had been cursed to forever wander the night trapped in this form because I had offended the goddess. I was still grateful though. She’d been known to do worse things for less.

My mind trailed off as I waited for the first signs of Apollo, my savior. During his reign of the sun, I was freed. I could return to my semi-mortal body, I looked human but since I was forever forced to roam the night a wolf was immortal, and live among people. I could do those things, that is. Lately, I had been finding myself drifting farther and farther away from civilization. It was only a matter of time before I would lose my sense of self completely.

I sighed, impatiently waiting for the moon to pass under the horizon. Artemis had given me the body of an immortal wolf. I shifted on my haunches and grinded my teeth as I thought about the reasoning behind it.

“You have gone behind the back of my Huntresses and willingly did so. I can see the true huntress at heart in you, but also the great evil that lurks within your soul. The body of a wolf shall fit you well. You will never be able to escape, and forever will it remind you of your betrayal and your impulsive selfishness,” the great lady Artemis had said one late night under the branches of a great Redwood tree. The image of her fluid, childlike body against the towering structure was ingrained on my memory.

I had been one of her Huntresses, the great group of trackers that take care of mythological creatures. Mythological to the humans, that is. To the world with brighter eyes, the myths were very much real, and the Huntresses frequently stopped the monsters from interfering with human life. The Greek civilization was hinging on our effort to keep the walls of the empire clean of monsters, otherwise, chaos would rule.

As I peered to the east, I could see the sun barely rising over the horizon behind a rocky edge of mountains. The sky was turning a faint pink, and my heart pumped in anxiety. My bones began to quiver and I loped down to the water’s edge to watch the transformation.

I was huge for a wolf, coming up to a man’s chest, and had startling, developed muscles. My fur was pure white with a giant ruffling mane surrounding my neck for protection. My fangs hung menacingly, dazzling in the light of both the sun and moon. I peered into the water and into my slanted eyes. My pupils were a liquid gold and represented the one I had betrayed my Huntresses for. If I could go back, would I do it all over again? I wondered.

The shiver ran through my body, and I knew the change was coming since the sun was now fully above the Eastern edge. A single pulse of heat rippled though my being, shattering all essence of wolf from my bones. The gold of my eyes wrapped around my body, and I was flung off my feet and into the air as my bones transformed into something new. I landed precisely on the ground, using my wolf senses to find the correct balance, and smiled slightly. Even though I had my wonderfully feminine body back, the part of me that was a wolf forever clung to my being like a rotten stench. If I wasn’t so like the wolf, I would’ve killed myself by now.

I stared into the now dazzling water at my form. I was medium height, but very skinny, almost to the point of being malnourished. My hair was pure white and silky and trailed down my back in waterfall curls. My eyes were still gold though, something that only immortals like the gods could see. To humans they looked like a flat brown, but only from what I had been told did I know as such. My features were once soft, but now had grown harsh from six years in the wilderness. My cheekbones stuck out highly, giving me a noble air. The edges of the simple white dress that transformed with me blew in the wind.

If only there was some way for me to remain human, yet immortal, I thought. I longed for it, to forever be able to live with my love in my true state, not a state forced upon me. I was lost in my thoughts when I saw the fimiliar flash of gold to the East. My heart pounded in longing. Every human bone quivered in anticipation.

“Arian, I’ve missed you,” Apollo, the beautiful sun god, said softly, his voice like sweet, festive music.

“It’s only been a day,” I replied, feeling my heart beat lovingly. He took me into his arms. As I looked over his shoulder I could see the moon barely peeking over the horizon. It turned a blood red before completely disappearing. Artemis, the sister of Apollo, did not, and would forever not, approve.

This was... amazing. I loved it.

The few things I found wrong with it wasn't major, just a matter of quick hands. ^__^

was medium heigth, but very skinny, almost to the point of being malnourished.

You spelled height wrong, but as stated... just a matter of quick hands.

Arian, I’ve missed you,” Apollo, the beuatiful sun god, said softly, his voice like sweet, festive music.

And beautiful.

Continue this, I'd like to see more.

- Alexis.

Very, very nice, I've always been interested in Greek mythology. *Smiles*

Apart from those spelling mistakes that Alexis mentioned, I can't see any thing wrong with grammar and punctuation.

Keep on going, this is very intriguing.

Hi,
This was really good. I liked it! I like wolves quite a bit, and I'm writing a story about them, too.

First of all, your beginning paragraph was good, but it doesn't hook the reader.

Overall I enjoyed it, but there's not really any plot, nothing really happens. There's no conflict, only conflict in the past. You could use some more description. Also, your characters need more depth, I don't feel your character, try to make it so the reader can feel what the character is feeling.
Other than that it was great! It runs along smoothly, and keeps the reader interested.

Feel free to PM me with any questions

~Tayla

This is very well written. I loved it!

I like the way you write; your story has a nice flow and the descriptions are good. You give the reader enough description without slowing down the story.

Also, interesting title! It caught my attention.

I did miss some emotions and action, though. This seems more like a short story to me, because there isn't much action, and no real plot that invites you to read on. Of Arian, I only know that she loves Apollo, and you do describe her feelings regarding Apollo. But other than that, I don't know what she feels. Does she mind being a wolf at night? Does she hate it? Or has she accepted her fate?

Altogether this was a very nice read, and I'll definitely read on if you decide to continue this story! I can see you're a talented writer.

I don't know how to do the quote thing but I'll do my best.
Here I go...
Quote: "Being stuck as a wolf was painful, and the rocky shore ahead of me looked inviting."
So if I'm right your main character is a wolf, but before that you wrote: "The only thing moving was my frosty white hair billowing around my hunched form," I think you should change hair to fur, it will make things clearer.

Okay, I don't understand this part: "During his reign of the sun, I was freed. I could return to my semi-mortal body and live among people. I could do those things, that is." First, semi-mortal? What does that mean?
Second, the last sentence is unnecessary.

Quote: "If I could go back, would I do it all over again, I wondered." Instead of a comma before 'I wondered' put a question mark.

Ooooh, love the ending! But you should make it known that your main character is female earlier.
So, Arian is Apollo's lover, huh? Well it makes sense.

One last thing, though, you need to describe what happens and her emotions more so the reader can empathize with the character.

I hope you continue this story! Keep writing!

First off, let me say that I like the title. It caught my attention from the start.

Also, I love the plot, and how you used the Greek gods and goddesses in there respective states. I would have been disappointed if they were placed incorrectly. But you didn't, so that's good!

Though there are absolutely no problems with your vocabulary, or how you use it, I think the construction of this story gives too much away too soon. I think it is something every author has to learn over time (I'm still learning it), that sense of where to tell the reader what, and how. I wish I could tell how to fix that (I wish I knew), but it is the one thing that must be learned, but not taught. (I know, that is no help at all, but I can't not tell you.)

One last thing: I think that you should make it clear to the reader from the start what gender your MC is. Until the very end, I thought that it was a man, and even then I couldn't be sure. (The Greeks were very much like the Romans in that respect.) But other than those small things, I really loved your story, and your style of writing. Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Ooooh! Wow! I'm hooked! I saw your part two and thought to myself, "Interesting. I should look at part one first though, so I know what's going on!" And I'm glad I did! This was really good, well thought out and well written. Give yourself a gold sticker and two points. A bonus point is up for grabs if you don't scoot over this, since I can see other people have been (rightly) drawn to your piece!

I could go on, but I think now I will go to my critique. Excuse me if I repeat stuff that other people have mentioned, but if I didn't put down everything I spotted I would be left with a very small comment. And I liked to have a lot to say - you might be able to tell from this looong introduction I'm quite a chatty person!

So:

Above my head, the Goddess Artemis cast down her pearly light which in turn made my shadow dance lithely atop the water.

Aah. You have a wonderful varied vocabulary, and you use it with skill and precision, which is something of a gift. My only comment on this lovely opener is that if you use "which", you should really have a comma before it: "...down her pearly light, which in turn..." See?

I had been cursed to forever wander the night trapped in this form because I had offended the goddess.

You split your infinitive - instead of "to forever wander" you should have "to wander forever" or maybe a longer version: "I had been cursed to wander the night, trapped in this form forever, because I had offended the goddess."
Another thought I had was that as there seems to be one main goddess, maybe she should be called the Goddess? With a capital? Also again later with the gods - maybe the Gods? An errant thought, but maybe you like that idea, or maybe not.

I could return to my semi-mortal body, I looked human but since I was forever forced to roam the night a wolf was immortal, and live among people.

This is the only part that confused me. The phrasing is a little strange, and I got befuddled. Is this better? - "I could return to my semi-mortal body - I looked human, but since I was forever forced to roam the night an immortal wolf..." And I'm confused again about what you mean. That is the only 'big' thing in your whole piece that struck me.

The body of a wolf shall fit you well. You will never be able to escape, and forever will it remind you of your betrayal and your impulsive selfishness,” the great lady Artemis had said one late night under the branches of a great Redwood tree.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this - except I always like to suggest another way of phrasing it, if I would have done it differently (so please feel free to ignore this): "...will it remind you of your betrayal and your impulsive selfishness," the great lady Artemis had said, late one night under the branches of a great Redwood tree."

I peered into the water and into my slanted eyes. My pupils were a liquid gold and represented the one I had betrayed my Huntresses for.

At the end of the following paragraph I get the impression she betrayed her Huntresses for a wolf... so maybe it should be "the ones I had..."?

Well, that's all I have to say. Your ending was superb, and I will now be toddling off to read the next bit. And I'm rather looking forward to it!!
~*cottonrulz*~

Silversun wrote:and I felt a temporary relief well up throughout my being. It did not last long though, for soon the wind was pushing the cloud off into foreign lands.

This kind of language doesn't really do much for me. It just seems to airy and (I can't think of the word....) like sugarcoated, but not.

Silversun wrote:
and the rocky shore ahead of me looked inviting.

I don't see what this line has to do with the rest of the paragraph.

Silversun wrote:During his reign of the sun, I was free[s]d[/s].

Silversun wrote: I could return to my semi-mortal body, I looked human but since I was forever forced to roam the night a wolf was immortal, and live among people. I could do those things, that is.

These lines don't make sense to me.
I would put a period after body and a comma after human. Now you have 'I looked human, but since I was forever forced roam the night a wolf was immortal, and live among people.' Starting at 'I was forever' it makes no sense to me. 'a wolf was immortal'? Also, you have a 'but' here but there isn't a 'but'. You're forced to roam the night as an immortal wolf or something but why does that matter? What's the but?
I don't understand the 'live among people' part and the following sentence doesn't flow for me.
Hope that made some sense.

Silversun wrote:Artemis had given me the body of an immortal wolf.

I would delete this line because none of this is new information. We know he's a wolf and we know he's immortal because of the last couple of paragraphs.

Silversun wrote: I shifted on my haunches and grinded ((ground)) my teeth as I thought about the reasoning behind it.

Silversun wrote:
“You have gone behind the back of my Huntresses and willingly did so.

1. If this is the beginning of some kind of flash back I'd put it in italics.
2. This is phrased a little weird in my opinion. Try something like: 'You have willingly gone behind the back of my Huntresses.'

Silversun wrote: I can see the true huntress at heart in you,

Why is 'Huntresses' capitalized above, but 'huntress' isn't?

Silversun wrote:If I could go back, would I do it all over again? I wondered.

I would take this out. It doesn't really fit in with the rest in my opinion.

Silversun wrote:
The shiver ran through my body, and I knew the change was coming since the sun was now fully above the Eastern edge. A single pulse of heat rippled though my being, shattering all essence of wolf from my bones. The gold of my eyes wrapped around my body, and I was flung off my feet and into the air as my bones transformed into something new.

This sounded a little Twilighty to me. Like how the wolves transform.

Silversun wrote:I stared into the now dazzling water at my form. I was medium height, but very skinny, almost to the point of being malnourished. My hair was pure white and silky and trailed down my back in waterfall curls. My eyes were still gold though, something that only immortals like the gods could see. To humans they looked like a flat brown, but only from what I had been told did I know as such. My features were once soft, but now had grown harsh from six years in the wilderness. My cheekbones stuck out highly, giving me a noble air. The edges of the simple white dress that transformed with me blew in the wind.[/quote[
This is kind of cliche because she's looking into a mirror (or clear water) and describing her reflection. Maybe try to give her appearance a little more subtly.

Silversun wrote:If only there was some way for me to remain human, yet immortal, I thought.

Put thoughts in italics

Hmmmmmm, so it got interesting there at the end but before that I was kind of bored. (I did say I'm not a big fan of fantasy ) A lot of it felt kind of repetitive and it just drug out.
I think it has potential to be really good but I would cut back on the flowery, airy language and just give more action and plot.

-Carly

Hi, Silversun, I'll be your reviewer for today.

Above my head, the Goddess Artemis cast down her pearly light which in turn made my shadow dance lithely atop the water.

This is a beautiful image, but the trouble is that there are two competing images in this sentence, muddling a bit--the moonlight, and the dancing shadow. It'd work better if you separated the dancing shadow bit from the first part using a colon or dash (not a full stop though, because the ideas are still connected).

I sat perfectly still; the only thing moving was my frosty white hair billowing around my hunched form.

You've a prefusion of adjectives here, which ironically end up not describing anything at all. "Perfectly", "only", "frosty", "hunched"--ask yourself if all these adjectives are really needed, or if they're just cluttering up the sentence. If you use strong verbs (you already have a good example, "billowing"), there's no need to stuff in so many descripters.

A cloud passed in front of the moon, concealing me from Artemis, and I felt a temporary relief well up throughout my being.

I don't quite follow why the narrator would feel relieved at being concealed from the moon. Your previous description of the moon didn't really present a threatening or ominous image, in fact seemed almost comforting, so the narrator's feelings here are a bit illogical.

It did not last long though, for soon the wind was pushing the cloud off into foreign lands.

I'd phrase this as "had pushed" to make it more active, and I question the phrasing of "foreign lands"...that starts veering into purple territory.

I whimpered and felt the soft sound resonate through my bones.

I'm an abuser of that word as well, but still, it's a good idea not to use "felt" so often. Your prose will be stronger if you just say the soft sound reverberated through the narrator's bones, no need for the intermediate "felt".

Being stuck as a wolf was painful, and the rocky shore ahead of me looked inviting. I had been cursed to forever wander the night trapped in this form because I had offended the goddess. I was still grateful though. She’d been known to do worse things for less.

This is an interesting tidbit and I like that you haven't introduced from the beginning that the narrator is a wolf--it adds an air of suspense. However, I'm interested in knowing more the narrator's feelings about this curse. You've given a fairly shallow reading into her emotions; I'd like to connect with her more deeply.

I could return to my semi-mortal body, I looked human but since I was forever forced to roam the night a wolf was immortal, and live among people.

You've a comma splice here. There needs to be a connection (such as "after all") between the first clause and the second. The rest of the sentence doesn't make any sense at all; it definitely needs to be rephrased. I feel it's because you have thoughts that don't logically follow from the rest--what do roaming during the night, being immortal, and living among people have to do with each other? When you construct sentences, think of linking thoughts together in the most logical order.

It was only a matter of time before I would lose my sense of self completely.

You don't need to state this so directly because it's already implied with the previous portion. Stating it directly becomes almost like you're pounding a hammer into the reader's heads. Trust them to infer the point for themselves.

Artemis had given me the body of an immortal wolf.

Another pointless sentence because you've already stated as much before.

The image of her fluid, childlike body against the towering structure was ingrained on my memory.

Though this is another nice image, it's rather devoid of emotion. I'd expect the narrator to feel strongly about Artemis because it's because of Artemis she's in her current condition, so it's odd that she'd think about Artemis in such neutral, almost admiring, terms.

I had been one of her Huntresses, the great group of trackers that take care of mythological creatures.

"Who", not "that".

As I peered to the east, I could see the sun barely rising over the horizon behind a rocky edge of mountains.

You don't need the "horizon" part, because in this case the horizon would be the mountains themselves.

The sky was turning a faint pink, and my heart pumped in anxiety. My bones began to quiver and I loped down to the water’s edge to watch the transformation.

This two sentences are so similar in structure and it's jarring. The first sentence would have much more impact if the "my heart pumped..." portion wasn't attached like an afterthought to the first clause, with merely an "and". Think of utilizing dashes, colons, and semicolons for emotional effect.

My fur was pure white with a giant ruffling mane surrounding my neck for protection. My fangs hung menacingly, dazzling in the light of both the sun and moon.

Again, I question whether all these adjectives and adverbs are really necessary. Do we really need to know the wolf's fur is "pure", or the mane is "ruffling"? (Actually, I can see the ruffling being used to better effect as a verb--"a giant mane ruffled around my neck"). Good writing uses the least words to say the most.

My pupils were a liquid gold and represented the one I had betrayed my Huntresses for.

I'm confused about what this sentence is supposed to mean.

A single pulse of heat rippled though my being, shattering all essence of wolf from my bones.

Meh, this is too abstract an image to be effective. I'd like to be able to feel the narrator's pain as the fire ripples through her beings, her bones and muscles changing, her body shrinking, etcetera. Transformation scenes are very difficult to write but wonderful to read if carried out right. Think of making it as visceral and physical as possible--this is someone's body changing. Maybe looking up a little about anatomy to make it all the more realistic (as "realistic" as a transformation scene can be in the first place...). In any event, make it physical, not metaphysical.

The gold of my eyes wrapped around my body

?? This is a very bizarre image...I can't picture it, and my attempts to are all coming across as comical and over-the-top. Consider rephrasing.

Even though I had my wonderfully feminine body back,

"Wonderfully feminine"? *suppress a snicker* All right, I know it's cruel, but this is another phrasing that's unintentionally comical...you can easily fix it; just get rid of the "wonderfully".

If I wasn’t so like the wolf, I would’ve killed myself by now.

Now, I like this: it's the insight into the MC's mind that I've been waiting for throughout the story. You need more emotion, still, and earlier.

I was medium height, but very skinny, almost to the point of being malnourished.

*twitch* Something about this description, probably from years of reading fanfiction, just really grates at me. If you're meaning to describe her as being beautiful by being so slim, the description of "near malnourished" doesn't work--have you ever seen anyone who was actually malnourished? It's not a pretty sight; you can see their bones perfectly through their skin and in many cases their stomachs will be bulging out because their abdominal muscles are too weak to hold their intestines in.

Granted, if you are trying to show her as malnourished, then the image works. But if you're just trying to say she's petite, you're going the wrong way. Being deathly underweight is not attractive in any way, shape, and form, and should not be glorified.

*whew* Sorry, I ended up a bit on a soapbox there...but I'm very sensitive to the issue because I know people who have eating disorders and I've seen too many pictures of truly manlourished people. Being skinny isn't bad, but it's alarming to see near-anorexic skinniness being held up as an ideal.

My hair was pure white and silky and trailed down my back in waterfall curls.

Beautiful description--I can just see it. This is a good usage of a strong adjective ("waterfall"), coupled with a strong verb "trailed".

My cheekbones stuck out highly, giving me a noble air.

The "noble air"...ehh, it makes the narrator seem a bit conceited if she's describing herself that way. If you're intending her to be conceited to a degree (I'm certainly getting a vague aura of pride from her), then it's fine.

The edges of the simple white dress that transformed with me blew in the wind.

Granted, this is only a personal peeve, but I wonder why clothes would transform with her in the first place. It doesn't seem very convenient and only to exist because you're uncomfortable with having a character be naked. I get the feeling the narrator would want to wear clothes in her human form, however, so she can cling more to her humanity--but it just strikes me as odd that the clothes transform with her. Maybe she keeps a secret stash of clothes somewhere under a tree or something, that'd make more sense.

I longed for it, to forever be able to live with my love in my true state, not a state forced upon me.

The repetition of "state" is a tad annoying.

his voice like sweet, festive music.

The comma isn't necessary.

feeling my heart beat lovingly.

"Lovingly"? So far you've been doing a fairly good job at conveying the narrator's feelings for Apollo without being too explicit about it, but this just veers into over-the-top territory. Not to mention you've already mentioned that her heart is beating, so no need to repeat it.

As I looked over his shoulder I could see the moon barely peeking over the horizon. It turned a blood red before completely disappearing. Artemis, the sister of Apollo, did not, and would forever not, approve.

Wow...that's one hell of a strong image, and a wonderfully strong piece of characterization. You couldn't have ended the chapter in a better way. ^^

Overall thoughts:

To be perfectly honest, this isn't the kind of story I would read. I'm not terribly fond of romances, especially YA fantasy romance (which Twilight ruined forever for me, even if I'd already been fond of the genre), but it speaks volumes that I quite enjoyed this piece. Stories involving mythology, so long as they don't bastardize the mythology completely, always fascinate me, and Artemis and Apollo are two of my favorite Greek gods so I'm interested to see your spin of them (especially Artemis--love her as a jealous sister, I can already sense that her and Apollo's relationship will be delightfully creepy, and there's the whole eternal virgin thing as well...). The device of banishment over a love affair is not a new one, but I don't think I've ever heard of one of Artemis's followers being banished before, so it'll be interesting to see how you handle that. Nor is the curse a new idea, but your handling of it is already quite compelling--how Arian struggles between her human and lupine sides. From the beginning, you've already set up a strong conflict with her, and I'm already wondering what will happen to her: will the curse be lifted, or will she degenerate into a wolf entirely?

Granted, there are parts that could be improved. Above all, I noticed at once an over-abundance of description and yet a lack of description. You tend to go overboard in describing people and settings to an extent--you go very in detail in Arian's appearance, both as human and wolf, and the moonlight and shadows, to over the top extents (watch all those adverbs, and again ask if they are really necessary). However, there was no description of Apollo at all, which I thought odd, given how in depth you went in describing Arian, and the fact that he's her lover. I don't want constant obsessing/creepy lust like Bella for Edward, but a solid image of how he looks would be nice.

Also, you didn't delve much into Arian's emotions, as I've already pointed out. I was left feeling like I don't really know her. I have glimmerings of her character--she's proud, cares deeply for Apollo, but I still feel like I'm missing the essence of who she is. Her lack of any feeling towards Artemis, in particular, hurt her characterization--I don't believe she'd feel nothing toward the one who did all this to her. A lot of this comes from you describing physical aspects, but not really delving into her mind. You've got a chance for some very in depth introspection because you're writing in first person--utilize that. Gives us her thoughts and feelings, color her descriptions with her perceptions. Now, don't describe her every thought, but enough so that we can connect with her, which is crucial for any character, especially the protagonist.

One last pointer--be careful to avoid making Arian a Mary Sue. Already, I'm getting some warning signs: her beauty, for one thing, and being unjustly wronged. On the other hand, she does have some balancing factors, such as her pride, but she still runs the risk of being too perfect. Make her flawed. Give her pride--hubris, as the Greeks would put it--a more central role in her personality. Perhaps have it contribute to her downfall. We need to be able to hate aspects of her as much as love her.

All right, I lied, I have one last thing to say: so far, there doesn't seem to be much of a plot. Which is fine, since the story is just beginning, but this part was a bit slow. Think of making the beginning a little more actiony and dramatic, so far this is just another normal day for Arian. You had a very powerful and dramatic ending--try making the beginning just as strong.

The best of luck in your endeavors, and PM me if you have any questions.

It's Amon to do your first prize review. You have a lot of good advice on this one so I'll do my best to point out different points.

~*~

Above my head, the Goddess Artemis cast down her pearly light which in turn made my shadow dance lithely atop the water. I sat perfectly still; the only thing moving was my frosty white hair billowing around my hunched form. A cloud passed in front of the moon, concealing me from Artemis, and I felt a temporary relief well up throughout my being. It did not last long though, for soon the wind was pushing the cloud off into foreign lands.

really good description

I sighed, impatiently waiting for the moon to pass under the horizon. Artemis had given me the body of an immortal wolf. I shifted on my haunches and grinded my teeth as I thought about the reasoning behind it.

A sigh indicates impatience lose one o them





I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help but the others covered everything. Because of my lack of help Pm me when you put something new up so I can give a full review. I'll get started on the second in a little. Overall I think it was really good.

i see here you like greek mythology...
i can sense the mood you put in this story..great!

it's just that i suddenly remember this one book i saw at a shop..quite mythology thingy too
it's a novel, romance i think...maybe paranormal romance

it's "the nymph king" or "the nymph's king", by Gina Showater/Gina Showalter.
sound pretty much like this. sorry couldnt remember the exact title


-liz

A well structured beginning that has left me wanting more! I strongly suggest that anyone reading this piece read the second and third chapters as the plot is hinted at and the setting is developed. (Also a very good read which is reason enough)