Red Vendetta Part 2.2

So, here's the second par to the second chapter of my story. I have been waiting like a month to post it. So please, review, check, correct, tell me what you think and... enjoy (if possible)!! This is a very rough draft.
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I didn’t remember when I closed my eyes but I suddenly felt the need of opening them. I had been unconscious; the shield had worked. That was my last resort; since I couldn’t sleep at least I could turn my consciousness into total darkness. So, I thought, it worked .
I finally opened my eyes and noticed that it was near dusk. But it couldn’t be the dusk of the same day because I felt I spent days there not hours. I quickly got up and started towards the house running at normal speed. But the memories of what happened that morning or day because I didn’t know what time it was, started coming as I rushed to the house. I didn’t remember when those events had occurred but they were suddenly flooding my mind, so all I knew was that they were memories. Uncomfortable ones I have to say.

I was running through the forest, speeding up as I tried to reach the house as soon as I could. I slowed down when I saw the house from the distance. It looked majestic, nearly as inhumanly beautiful as the creatures living inside of it. I was walking in a quick human pace now, slow for my kind I have to say, until I reached the front of the house. But as soon as I got there, I sensed something, not one thing but many. First: a smell, not one but four, immortal smell though. Second: blood. I smelled fresh human blood. And third, a heartbeat. I was oblivious to the reason of why would there be a heartbeat in a house fool of vampires but it surely got my attention.

I reached the front porch and tried to walk towards the front door but my limbs weren’t responding to me, I was frozen. The smell of blood, fresh human blood was so delicious that it made my brain stop working. Animal’s blood was nothing compared to it. Human blood was not usually on my diet but its scent was so tempting that it made me cheat and go hunt a weak and useless human to ease all my thirst. Enjoying a single smell was a whole different thing though; it was like heaven for me. I even imagined its color, its type, its taste. Like old wine, I thought.

MY mind finally sent an electric current to my limbs that signaled them to move and start walking into the house. I got in and expected my annoying companions to be in the living room, but they weren’t there. I was somehow grateful that I didn’t have to see their old immortal faces, but I kept looking for them. I looked for them in the kitchen but they weren’t there either. I decided to look for them upstairs and as I was going upstairs the smell of blood got stronger when I reached the second floor. The library was to the right, so I decided to look for them there. I turned right and walked the long corridor that led to the library. And in the, library the smell was unbearable, almost irresistible but I controlled myself. I filled my lungs with air for one time and stopped breathing as I made my way in.

The room looked full with seven people inside of it instead of the three I expected. And there was the heartbeat too, the pounding heart of a human, a living human. I quickly turned my head toward the sound of the heartbeat and found myself with a skinny, honey –blonde haired girl with ochre eyes. I narrowed my eyes as I saw her.

“Danielle” Julian said, unimpressed like if knowing I was coming. “Where have you been?” I heard a strange edge in his voice.

“For how long was I absent?” I asked not turning away from the human.

“Two whole days” Now I knew. But I couldn’t focus on anything but the girl who dared to be with us and wondering who the hell she was.

“She’s Harley” Darius answered my unspoken question, “She knows, since two years ago”, two years ago!! “She’s been waiting to see you”. Bad choice, I thought.

I stopped gazing Harley and turned my eyes to see the other three people. They were vampires; I was extremely relieved. There was one man and two women. The two women were very different from each other; one was tall and statuesque, with sapphire colored eyes and dark blonde hair. The other one was shorter with dark hair and grey eyes and a beautiful ear to ear smile. The man didn’t seem like a man at all, he looked like a boy in his early twenties. He had short blonde hair combed neatly to the left side of his thin face with only a small lock that covered his eye. His eyes were strange hazel.
“Who are they” I asked Darius.

“Good thing you asked dear, please come forward” He answered as he beckoned me to go forward. I did I was told and went to stand near the chair where he was seated.

“They are Eleonor, Cameron and Alexis” So Eleonor was the dark haired woman, Alexis was the blonde haired one and Cameron was the guy.

“They are part of my coven” Darius added. Part? So there was more.

“But Ethan’s missing” Alexis said with a harmonious voice.
After much useless babbling about travels and blood types, they sat down to speak about heir mayor concern: the threat. I was over that conversation already, so as always when something bored me to hell, I grew completely unaware of their conversation and started daydreaming. I really didn’t care about their stupid lonely-bad-vampire phobia. But form the distant fantasy world I created in three minutes, I heard someone mention my name.
“That’s why she’s here” I heard Fae said. I hated listening to a conversation that already started.

“But do we have to get that far?” I heard someone ask. I supposed it was Cameron because it was a manly voice I didn’t recognize.

“How far?” That was the heartbeat talking. I called her heartbeat because her heart was always pounding amazingly fast.

“To the point where our kind fights against our kind” Fae answered.
I came back from the fantasy and glared a t each of the people who were there. They didn’t notice I was back but they were still talking about me, about how dangerous I was.

“She’s feared” I heard someone said. That someone was Eleonor. I suddenly let out a little smug laughter and everyone turned to look at me. My laughter turned to a gleeful smile.

“My job is killing” I said slowly “Kill outlaws, rebellious vampires and whatever else gets in my way. Including,” I paused and turned to look at Harley, “humans that know too much” I smiled wrily to her, letting my fangs exposed.
I saw heartbeat tremble as she went pale and goosebumps slowly created in her arm as Julian crouched in front of her. I got up from where I was sitting and ran across the room to attack him. I pushed him toward the wall and exposed my fangs and let a low snarl come out. He got up from where he was and started running toward me pushing Harley and sending her to the wall as he tried to attack me. But trying was all he got because I was ready for him and when he tried to approach me I just sent him flying across the room. So, I basically destroyed the library. He fell down on his back, obviously hurt while Harley was still lying on the floor, her cranium bleeding. Weak, I thought

I was unimpressed, self-satisfied actually. So I started to walk out but I saw Julian still lying on the floor near the huge book shelf that used to be at the left side of the door but was now turned to splinters. I stopped right in front of him and bent down putting my lips to his ear.

“That was totally unnecessary, Julian” I whispered to his ear; the words coming out slowly and feathery. I left him there and started out of the house again. This time not annoyed but gleeful. I didn’t run, I just walked as I watched the shining moon rise over the dark night sky, I was not in the woods but near the house; just curious about what they were saying. But as minutes ticked by I realized I didn’t really care, and I stopped listening to them. I made a statement, they knew me now, and they knew that if they seek me they find me. I smiled at the thought, thinking about injured Julian with his scared face looking at me. I was a killer, and I couldn’t help it, it ran in my veins. I was the strongest and fastest; he knew he was in clear disadvantage. I couldn’t help laughter, it just went out. After much arguing with myself I decided to go away again, ran into the deep dark forest and get lost in my thoughts.

Pudin, Pudin, Pudin.

Let me just say that I really enjoyed this piece better then the first part. I'm not in the mood for nitpicks today, so I just wanted to point out one things I noticed when I read this part over.

1. Your Misuse of Commas

First: Commas

You have them you're not supposed to and you don't have them where you are supposed to.
Here's what Wikipedia has to say about commas:

Wikipedia wrote:The comma may be used to perform a number of functions in English writing. It is used in generally similar ways in other languages, particularly European ones, although the rules on comma usage – and their rigidity – vary from language to language.

In lists

Commas are used to separate items in lists, as in They own a cat, a dog, two rabbits, and six mice. In English a comma may or may not be used before the final conjunction (and, or, nor) in a list of more than two elements. A comma used in such a position is called a serial comma or an Oxford or Harvard comma (after the Oxford University Press and Harvard University Press, both prominent advocates of this style). In some cases use or omission of such a comma may serve to avoid ambiguity:

Use of serial comma disambiguating:

* I spoke to the boys, Sam and Tom. – The boys refers to Sam and Tom (I spoke to two people).
* I spoke to the boys, Sam, and Tom. – The boys, Sam, and Tom are separate units (I spoke to four or more people).

Omission of serial comma disambiguating:

* I thank my mother, Ayn Rand and God. – The writer is thanking three people: the writer's mother, Ayn Rand (who is not the writer's mother) and God.
* I thank my mother, Ayn Rand, and God. – The writer is thanking two people: Ayn Rand (who is the writer's mother) and God.

If the individual items of a list are long, complex, affixed with description or themselves contain commas, semicolons may be preferred as separators, and sometimes the list may be introduced with a colon.

Separation of clauses

Commas are often used to separate clauses. In English, a comma is generally used to separate a dependent clause from the independent clause if the dependent clause comes first: After I brushed the cat, I lint-rollered my clothes. (Compare I lint-rollered my clothes after I brushed the cat.) A relative clause takes commas if it is non-restrictive, as in I cut down all the trees, which were over six feet tall. (Without the comma, this would imply that only some of the trees – those over six feet tall – were cut down. Some consider the word "that" to be preferable when such a meaning is desired: "I cut down all the trees that were over six feet tall.").

Two independent clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) or having a complementary relationship[5] may or may not be separated by commas, depending on preferred style, or sometimes a desire to overcome ambiguity. While many style guides call for commas, many authors omit them, particularly with short sentences.[6]

In some languages, such as German and Polish, stricter rules apply on comma usage between clauses, with dependent clauses always being set off with commas, and commas being generally proscribed before certain coordinating conjunctions.

The joining of two independent sentences with a comma and no conjunction is known as a comma splice, and is often considered an error in English.

Parenthetical phrases

Commas are often used to enclose parenthetical words and phrases within a sentence (i.e. information which is not essential to the meaning of the sentence). Such phrases are both preceded and followed by a comma, unless that would result in a doubling of punctuation marks, or the parenthetical is at the start or end of the sentence. The following are examples of types of parenthetical phrases:

* Introductory phrase: Once upon a time, my father ate a bagel.[7]
* Address: My father ate the bagel, Your Honor.
* Interjection: My father ate the bagel, gosh darn it!
* Aside: My father, if you don’t mind my telling you this, ate the bagel.
* Appositive: My father, a jaded and bitter man, ate the bagel.
* Absolute phrase: My father, his eyes flashing with rage, ate the bagel.
* Free modifier: My father, chewing with unbridled fury, ate the bagel.
* Resumptive modifier: My father ate the bagel, a bagel which no man had yet chewed.
* Summative modifier: My father ate the bagel, a feat which no man had attempted.

Between adjectives

A comma is used to separate coordinate adjectives; that is, adjectives that directly and equally modify the following noun. Adjectives are considered coordinate if the meaning would be the same if their order were reversed or if and were placed between them. For example:

* The dull, incessant droning but the cute little cottage.
* The devious lazy red frog suggests there are lazy red frogs (one of which is devious), while the devious, lazy red frog does not carry this connotation.

Before quotes

A comma is used to set off quoted material that is the grammatical object of an active verb of speaking or writing, as in Mr. Kershner says, "You should know how to use a comma." Quotations that follow and support an assertion should be set off by a colon rather than a comma.

I think I might have mentioned this before to you, but always, always, always read your work aloud before you submit it. It helps you catch a lot of mistakes.

Good luck and PM me if you have any questions.

I have now pinned down what it is about this character that forces her to seem sometimes completely geniune; sometimes horribly fabricated.
She's mannish. Also known as an Amazon.

Now; this isn't a bad thing. Knowing what kind of archetype you are working with lets you play off of those traits and create something that is more complete; rounded.
So: an Amazon is usually someone with warrior instincts; someone who's more likely to pick a fit than sit and talk over the matter; she's impatient and short-tempered, doesn't like to be helped or told what to do; and bitter, usually with a chip on her shoulder about some event in the past that made her what she is. You see these characters all the time in fantasy; unusually female barbarians or whatnot.

I can understand how she would be angry at Julian for defending the human; what I can't understand is why they would wait to days for Danielle to return (I know she's valuable; but couldn't they fetch her?) and why they just decided to have a repeat of the same conversation once she returned.
Here's a big tip, muffin:
Write only the parts that interest you. If your main character is bored (which she usually is) than we're bored and then the story lags. If Dannielle's not having fun, we don't care. I can tell that you're impatiently moving through these scenes so you can write the good stuff-- battles, scheming for battles, putting clues together to find out who this mysterious killer is, maybe some belly-button gazing as she muses about her past while attempting to eradicate the murderer; whatever you want. The stuff that holds those scenes together should just come to you as you're writing.