Poisen, Beauty and War

She looked beautiful even as she died. The wind rustled her hair; blowing up behind her it seemed almost like a halo. The blood dripped slowly from her eyes, down her cheek onto her dress. Her blooded dress blew forward as she fell from the cliff, her arms outstretched, her face frozen in an expression of horror maybe even terror, frozen that way until time took from us any memory of that beautiful women. I walked to the edge of the cliff; I saw her body drifting away from me in the beautiful blue ocean, the blood mixing with the water, polluting the perfection of the sea. Her life betrayed by this end, this ugly, ugly end. Her blood told the true result of the crime that had been committed here. No…that was wrong. The vial in my hand was the true result of the crime here, this vial would make it all worth it. I walked away from the brown, dirty cliff edge and left my lovers body to be washed away by the sea. There was only one last thing to do before I could die in peace… and that was to die in war.

One Year Earlier
I sat as I had been instructed to do. I wore smart clothes, black jacket over a brown vest and black trousers, as I had been instructed to do. I had even washed my hair as they had been intrusive enough to instruct me to do and now the king acted as if I he didn’t know why I was there. I could have punched him, I would have if it hadn’t been for the fact he could have had me killed straight away. He just sat there looking at me. The silence was awkward but I wouldn’t talk until he talked to me. I looked round the room instead, in the far corner I saw a chest, ash black, intricate designs covered it’s top. Flowers, I thought. It looked like it originated from Harshat.
The King saw me looking. “Admiring my cabinet are you Herfit, it’s from Harshat you know, in the east.”
“I thought so Sir, I travelled there only last year.” I said.
“Of course, I forget how well travelled you are Herfit.” He crossed the dark room, the gloom emphasised rather than lessoned by the white walls and black wood. “Take a look.” He said as he opened the cabinet lid. I did so and immediately forgot any animosity towards the king. It was full of beautifully written scrolls, instructions in magic, poems and histories of Harshat. Few knew the extent of documentation that had taken place in Harshat before The Fall. Its effects had been as bad there as we in Sethorn had suffered. However unlike in Sethorn, writing had stayed in Harshat, these documents were incredibly rare.
One document in particular caught my eye. It was browner, older than the rest. It was written in a mixture of symbols and letters, as if it was a missing link in the evolution of language, all cultures begin with diagrammatical languages and then grow to have words and letters, this must have been written by someone versed in both. I reached in and took out the parchment studying it intensely, searching for the courage to ask the king if I could take it and study it myself. I was so engrossed I didn’t here the door open. I looked round too late, reached out too late and shouted too damm late.
The King was dead, his throat cut, his eyes wide and his clothes bloodied. The man who had killed him looked at me with deep dark eyes and a wide cruel grin, His teeth showing, yellow and rotting. He wore a long black cloak. He was out the door, before I could stand. Leaving me alone with the body of a dead king.

Hi there! How does it feel to have the first ever new-YWS-review by me?

Grammar and First Impressions

She looked beautiful even as she died. The wind rustled her hair; blowing up behind her, it seemed almost like a halo. The blood dripped slowly from her eyes, down her cheek, onto her dress. Her blooded dress blew forward as she fell from the cliff, her arms outstretched, her face frozen in an expression of horror maybe even terror, frozen that way until time took from us any memory of that beautiful women. I walked to the edge of the cliff; I saw her body drifting away from me in the beautiful blue ocean, the blood mixing with the water, polluting the perfection of the sea. Her life betrayed by this end, this ugly, ugly end. Her blood told the true result of the crime that had been committed here. No…that was wrong. The vial in my hand was the true result of the crime here, this vial would make it all worth it. I walked away from the brown, dirty cliff edge and left my lovers body to be washed away by the sea. There was only one last thing to do before I could die in peace… and that was to die in war.

Bolded: I'm detecting some confusing with the commas. That or we're being stubborn. Which I completely understand 'cause they're quite the egotistical punctuation mark. Once the Knowledge Base is back up, I can link you to some articles there. If you PM me about this of course. I wouldn't want to give you articles you wouldn't read.

Italicized: I find it funky with "seemed almost" instead of "almost seemed."

Red: That's a really weird adjective. In fact, it should be bloody. Maybe that's why it looks weird to me.

Blue: I'd insert a comma before this clause for you, but I think it's better with dashes around this phrase. It's one of those punctuation mark things that I'd link an article to help me explain if it was on hand. xD But basically, this sentence is getting rather long to the point where you need to get creative with your punctuation. Either shorten the entire sentence/split it up, or feel adventurous and discover other helpful punctuation marks.

Green: Now I'm confused. Why'd you put a comma there? D: Never separate sentences with a comma. You use a semicolon for that (assuming periods are out of the question). You used a semicolon earlier, so I'm not sure why you used a comma here. Consistency, my friend. Consistency. ^^

Purple: I'm pretty sure this is just a typo. The body is in possession of the lover; therefore, the word lovers needs an apostrophe, so you have the phrase, "my lover's body," instead of, "my lovers body."

Underlined: This is so beautiful. Like... ohmygawsh beautiful. I'm pretty sure that's some sort of literary device, but I can't think of the term. (Earlier, I couldn't think of the math term that I still can't recall... And it's as simple as remembering the term "multiplication." xD)

I sat as I had been instructed to do. I wore smart clothes, black jacket over a brown vest and black trousers, as I had been instructed to do. I had even washed my hair as they had been intrusive enough to instruct me to do, and now the king acted as if [s]I[/s] he didn’t know why I was there. I could have punched him, I would have if it hadn’t been for the fact he could have had me killed straight away. He just sat there looking at me. The silence was awkward, but I wouldn’t talk until he talked to me. I looked round the room instead, in the far cornerpb, I saw a chest, ash black, intricate designs covered it’s top. Flowers, I thought. It looked like it originated from Harshat.

Italicized: This took two or three reads to understand, but now I see it. This is more personal preference, but I think taking the middle clause (black jacket over a brown vest and black trousers) and putting it in parentheses or dashes will make more sense 'cause really, it's not important enough even for commas. This way, it's the "if you don't have time to read this extra stuff I want to give you, then skip to the rest of the sentence" deal. It's hard to signify this with commas (even though it's possible). Again, personal and writer's preference.

Underlined: You did this in the previous paragraph. You joined two sentences with a comma. *pet peeve* You have, "I looked around the room instead," and "In the far corner, I saw a chest--ash black with intricate designs covering its top[/i]." (The revision will be explained after this.) Do not join sentences with commas. Use semicolons. Not commas. They already have enough jobs to do anyway!

Red: I'm not sure what's wrong with "around"? =/ My brain inserts the A anyway, and chopping it off isn't really saving paper. xD

Blue: You seem to have a habit of cramming descriptions at the end of sentences (and this is only the second paragraph). Don't do this. I mean, it's consistent--I'll give you that!--but it's not creative. It's boring. It's discouraging. If you don't show through your writing how serious you are, why will the reader take you seriously? Take your time describing things, and use all five senses to do so. Of course, don't use all five senses every single time, but use all five throughout your writing. Colors are good to know, but metaphors and smells and plenty of other techniques come in real handy. Cramming it between two commas is the easy way out. Don't give in to the comma-coma. Fight it, man. Fight it. It's a disease that must be stopped. D:

Green: Common mistake. In fact, it could just be a typo. It's is short for it is. If it is doesn't fit, then don't use the apostrophe. In other words, change the word here to its.

Purple: Use a noun here, not a pronoun (it). 'Cause really, you could be talking about the flowers (In which case, this is the wrong pronoun, haha!), but since you're talking about the chest, use the word chest or object or treasure or some noun that refers to the chest.

*****************

I'll stop it right there. And not just because I'm hungry. ^^

So my thoughts on this!

Describe the patooter out of it!

As a writer, you have to explain anything that the reader can't assume. (Notice I didn't say everything. ) Yes, what we "see" is important, but also what we feel, what we hear, what we smell, and what we taste (though the latter is usually used for foods and sometimes smells). Colors are important, but what kind of wood does it look like it could be? What kind of white does it resemble--bleach or snow? Does the smell taste like rotten eggs? (And notice this last question would resemble a simile. Comparing senses to other experiences is an excellent way to get your point across--and creatively!

It's usually some umpteenth draft or during a full-out edit that you would fix a lot of your issues (In fact, all of them!), but it's good to fix negative habits. Cramming all your description between commas (as I mentioned before) makes the reader think you, as the writer, are not serious. If you're taking the time to mention the color of the chest, perhaps you should spend a bit more time than just ten words? Even if you're describing its history in the next paragraph, at least give the impression that this chest has some significance. It takes some creative-ness to mess around with words like that, but these small nitpicks can make a huge difference!

Who are these people?

I'm not sure who the main character is. Granted, this is only the first part, but he just seems like one of two red-shirts (a geek term for throw-away characters), the other being the king. Characterization is really hard, I will most definitely admit to that. I've received much instruction on how to fix my problem with characterization, and I still can't seem to conquer it. D:

Anyway, back to you. We need to know somewhat who these people are. You can show this by describing their body structure and facial features, describing their tone of voice, the type of words they use when speaking or thinking, their small habits like anxiety, knee-bouncing, or nail-biting, etc.

Perhaps one way to exercise this is to watch people. Now, don't look at them like a creeper. >_> But just sit in some public place somewhere or wherever and just watch people. How would you describe them? What kind of person do you think they are? Why? What little habits do they do? Keep asking yourself questions. We all do this anyway. We see someone new walk into the building, and we criticize their dress, race, work, etc. We're just like that. In this exercise, take that to the next time. Non-creeper fashion though.

And definitely with the king dying so soon, elaborate on his character. Even if this part is suddenly ten times larger. We want the reader to feel baad that the king died. I mean, yeah, someone just killed the king, but as far as we know, the king was a bad king--in which case, we don't feel sorry at all. Seeing as you left it as a cliffhanger, I'm assuming you want us to feel bad about him. xD Show us why!

"Quit bagging me!"

What are you talking about?

I freaking love what you have here. Did you see me mention anything about plot? Psh, no! I love what you have started! It seriously has potential! I'm a sucker for this type of fantasy--kings, knights, etc. And I love rogues to death. But that's getting off-track.

The beginning (before the "One Year Earlier" part) was done even better! I could tell you put a lot of thought into that section. Some of the wording was just spectacular. I was so proud! You're seriously off to a great start, so I wanted to give as much feedback as I could spare. Hopefully some of what I said makes sense to you, and I can't wait to read the next part! Let me know if you have any questions or comments. My PM box is always open. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey Quibbons! I'm here to review your piece. I have one nitpick before we begin. It's about your title.

Poisen, Beauty and War

The word i bolded is spelled Poison.
Okay, now to the actual piece!

Quibbons Quill wrote:She looked beautiful even as she died.

Hmm, the way you phrased this sentence makes it a little confusing. She looked beautiful even as she died? Are you meaning to say that she was pretty, even in death? Or that she was pretty as she was dying? The former makes more sense, because consider some the ways people can die -
1. Illness, where you lose your color and all of that and you become weak.
2. Murder, where it's a given that if you're a beautiful person, you'll still be beautiful with a splotch off blood.

Also, this sentence is very tell-y. You could try something along the lines of: "As her soul slipped away from the mortal earth, her face remained pure and attractive, like an angel."

Quibbons Quill wrote:Her blooded dress

"blooded" isn't a word. You could try "bloody" or "blood-stained." Also, in the last couple sentence, you use the word "blood" a lot. Try to find other ways as to which you can express it.

Quibbons Quill wrote: blew forward as she fell from the cliff, her arms outstretched, her face frozen in an expression of horror maybe even terror, frozen that way until time took from us any memory of that beautiful women.

Okay, this a run-on sentence. Try to break it up. Also, I would like to know how she died. If she committed suicide, where did she get the blood from?

Quibbons Quill wrote: I walked to the edge of the cliff; I saw her body drifting away from me in the beautiful blue ocean,

What exactly does "beautiful" entail here? Try to be a little more specific.

Quibbons Quill wrote: Her life betrayed by this end, this ugly, ugly end.

This is a sentence fragment. It should be "Her life was betray by this ugly end."

Quibbons Quill wrote:the crime that had been committed here.

Quibbons Quill wrote:The vial in my hand was the true result of the crime here,

These two quotes appear in two sentences that are next to each other, and its repetitive. Try to rephrase one of them.

Okay, so I finished this little prologue thingy, and I have to admit that I'm searching for facts. I can't imagine the scene - I don't know whats going on. How did this girl die? Are there any others at the cliff? Why are they there? How did she die?

Quibbons Quill wrote:as I had been instructed to do.

Quibbons Quill wrote:as I had been instructed to do.

You're being repetitive again, as these quotes appear in two sentences that are next to each other. Please rephrase them.

Quibbons Quill wrote:and now the king acted as if I he didn’t know why I was there.

and now, the king . . .

Quibbons Quill wrote:I could have punched him,

Punching the King? Geez. I don't know what time period this is set in, but the citizens of any Kingdom all through out history usually would hold high respect in the presence of the king, even if the citizen doesn't neccesairly like the King.

Quibbons Quill wrote:He just sat there looking at me.

He just sat there, looking at me.

Quibbons Quill wrote: I looked round the room instead,

I looked around the room instead.

Quibbons Quill wrote: “Admiring my cabinet are you Herfit, it’s from Harshat you know, in the east.”

"Admiring my cabinet are you, Herfit? It's from Harshat, you know, in the east."

Quibbons Quill wrote:The King was dead, his throat cut, his eyes wide and his clothes bloodied. The man who had killed him looked at me with deep dark eyes and a wide cruel grin, His teeth showing, yellow and rotting. He wore a long black cloak. He was out the door, before I could stand. Leaving me alone with the body of a dead king.

I'm sorry, but this is a little sudden.


In general, your story was OK, but It needs a lot of work. It's grammatically incorrect, and you really don't know how to use commas. My suggestion with that is to read it out loud with the emphasizes. Doesn't make much sense, does it? You also have a lot of sentence fragments.

In terms of content, You have an interesting idea, but I'm still wanting to no more. Who is Herfit? Why is he in the castle? What are the meanings of the scrolls? And the whole assasin thing is just a little too sudden. You provide no mention to it earlier, no build-up.

Another thing - I cannot feel like I'm there. You use very little sensory details, and when you do, your use of them is cliched.

Good luck in revising this piece - PM me if you have any questions.

The others have pointed out most of the grammatical nit-picks I had with this story. So, I will just be reviewing the story as a whole.

The first paragraph intrigued me. I could see it all, the cliff, her lifeless body, everything. I felt that this was by far the strongest part of the story. How did she die, why did she die? These were questions that I had really hoped to find an answer to.

Then, when it goes back a year, I feel like the story took a turn for the worst. It turned into a stereotypical story, one that has been told many times. There is too much babble in a short space about the kingdoms and documents, which don't really seem to serve much of a purpose in the story. I also thought that the rest seemed very rushed, things that should have been multiple paragraphs were rushed together.

Is there supposed to be more to this story? There is no indication that you are planning to write any more, no hint to say there will be more. It just ends really abruptly. I suspect you are planning to write more, and I encourage you to. As it is now, though, there is no real climax or anything. It just seems incomplete. Also, how does the first part relate to the past?

I definitely think you need to read over this entire story. Is this something that you would want to read in its current stage? If not, revise it. To me, it seems as though this is a rough copy. To be honest, even if you continue this, I probably wouldn't read any more. Like I said, I really enjoyed the intro and I think something wonderful and unique could have come from it. But, I really feel that the rest let it down. Sorry if I seem harsh, but I'd rather you get the truth so you can improve instead of sugar-coating it.