The Days of Innocence

Note: The spacing got messed up on this and I don't know how to fix it so I put a line under each stanza.
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I never thought I’d feel this way
I feel so lost, you turned away
I can’t stop thinking about those days…
When we were perfect kids,
And we never had a clue,
That we would one day say, “I love you”
__________________________________________

Those days of innocence are gone,
With the wind, washing away our youth
We had it all, we had plans,
Dreams that could reach all the way,
To the moon
When we were those perfect kids,
We never had a clue
That we would one day say, “I love you”
___________________________________________

-Guitar-

___________________________________________
I don’t know what happened,
How everything turned out so wrong
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be
And I just wish,
My last wish for this
Is that someone we go, back to those days
___________________________________________

When we were innocent and perfect,
People, we had dreams to reach the stars,
As we laid down in your yard,
And laughed with the man in the moon
We never had a clue,
That one day, we’d say, “I love you”

Hello, Roon here, at your request.

I’m no expert on lyrics, by any means, but I will give it a shot!

Nitpicks:

I never thought I’d feel this way
I feel so lost, you turned away

Way and away are quite similar, maybe you could consider altering it, but then when music is added, one may not notice.

Those days of innocence are gone,
With the wind, washing away our youth

I see that you’ve tried to combine two separate ideas here, but in this instance, I’m not a huge fan, if I’m honest.

Dreams that could reach all the way,
To the moon

The idea is a little cliché, but if you can think of nothing else, it’s not a huge problem.

And I just wish,
My last wish for this

You really only need one of these, I know it needs to match the other verses, but I think you could put something more poignant here.

And laughed with the man in the moon
We never had a clue,

Why did they laugh with the man in the moon? Seems a little odd, maybe you mean laugh at?

Is that someone we go, back to those days

Sometime I think.

Okay, overall:

I like the repetition of the not knowing they would fall in love, it brings focus to the song. But we don’t really know why you wouldn’t have thought that. You say they used to be sweet and innocent, but that doesn’t really tie in with why they didn’t expect to find themselves in love. Also, what is the thing that caused trouble in their past? It gets a little confusing, as it feels like you have three separate stories going on here.

Other than that, I like your use of simplicity when it was needed, and your use of beautiful language when it was necessary. Thank you for replying to my post, thank you for your time. As I say I’m no lyrical expert! Maybe you could try giving us the chords with it?

~ Roon

Thanks Roon.
I don't know anything about chords but someday in the hopefully near future I'll make the melody for it on the piano and post that.

-Carly

the description was good of your emotions.
Also the rhyming and the use of your adjectives was very nice and cool.
But you are using the same old theme over and over again.
Though this sad love song was better then your others.

One more thing:

Is that someone we go, back to those days------I think that's somewhere we go

Hey tnme! Thanks so much for asking for another review, I’m glad the last one was helpful. I’m sorry for the lateness, I’ve been absolutely swamped with work... (sigh) But here I am now!

Those days of innocence are gone,
With the wind, washing away our youth

I really do like the ‘gone with the wind’ bit, it reminds me of the book, and perhaps if it was a purposeful allusion to the novel it would suggest something about the character singing the song. After all, Scarlett and Rhett have an iconic romance, full of heartbreak and tribulation. The washing away our youth doesn’t really fit with the wind image, however. Blowing or whisking or something else more related to wind would fit in better here.

Dreams that could reach all the way,

This line just seems really long in relation to the lines surrounding it. I think perhaps it could be shortened and still keep the same idea.

And I just wish,
My last wish for this

What exactly is ‘this’? It kind of feels like it was just stuck in there for assonance and it doesn’t particularly add much to the overall message. The short ‘i’ is pretty easy to find soft rhymes for, so I’m sure there are other words that would add much more.

So, just one last little thing, there’s a little repetition of the word ‘day(s)’, and it gets a little old after a while. Perhaps other words could be used, or other phrases.

Overall, I did understand the wistful feeling behind the song and totally connected to it. You know the bit where the character says ‘We never had a clue that someday we would say I love you’? For some reason, I also get the feeling that they also hope that someday, they can say I love you once more. I know it’s a song about nostalgia and wishing for the past, but perhaps adding a little bit about hope for the future might balance things out. It’s just a suggestion, and it’s not necessary to the song.

Again, lyrics are difficult to talk about rhythm when we have no music to go by, but it seems like this one has really good structure. I felt like I could keep a pretty consistent melody going on in my head. You seem to have a knack for that

Keep up the good work!

Best of luck,
octo

Hmmm... I don't get what's going on. You say you had it all, when you were kids, but then you basically say that you marry, or become bf/gf in the future. Does this mean that you regret being a kid and not having to love the other? It confuses me a little...
And your lyrics don't flow to well. I couldn't hear a tune in my head which made the transition from line to line smooth.
I'm sorry I can' be of more help, because I don't do much listening to music.