Electric Heaven

Okay, first off, Galerius, I really liked this, but I couldn't really understand what was going on. I'm not in the mood for nitpicks, but I just want to say that it was very beautiful, but I didn't really interpret a theme or message. What is the purpose of this poem? Try to make it a little bit clearer. I also didn't understand what it was about. Just a bunch of pretty words mashed together.
Grammar was good, so was sentence structure, it flowed really nicely, yea. PM me if you have any questions.

Gal --

As usual, I like this. Maybe, upon reading a second time, I liked it a little less, but you always manage to deliver poetry that inspires some nice images and impressions. Unfortunately, I think this piece is a bit of a regression. Sol Invictus was a great success because you had managed to tighten your poetry -- concentrate it so that it wasn't so scattered. The images and descriptions in this poem are more reminiscent of some of your older stuff...

We landed a man on the moon,
our souls on the monsoon as he watches from a distance,
garb drenched in rain and pressing to his flesh

I don't know, I guess things just seem too loose...there isn't enough coherency. We landed a man on the moon, alright. Our souls on the monsoon? What monsoon? And...he's on the moon, yet his garb is drenched? I think that your meaning here is just too obscure, too hidden. I can't tell what you're referring to...

and fire splashing a circular frame on charred helmet with no
angels or choirs in the way to progress stay

What? "No choirs in the way to progress stay." Why did you mix up the syntax? You're not rhyming? What's the point? Unlike ThornedRose, I think one of the major problems with this poem is it's flow. It just doens't flow very well. There are too many lines that slow the reader down -- speedbumps, if you will. I feel like I'm decoding something. This isn't all bad, it's just more work than I need. I'll decipher literature when I have to write an essay or something, but for my own enjoyment, I'd prefer not to have to re-trace the wanderings and wormholes of the author's thought process.

So. I liked the feeling of this poem. It's like a pretty bolt of fabric, it's loose, it's nearly liquid, it hasn't been fashioned into anything practical yet. But it sure feels nice on my skin...

I appreciated the Greek references. I think they work, and I like your conclusion. Much stronger than your opening...

Anyway, PM me

-Kylan

Hey Gal. I'll give this a go. ^^

We landed a man on the moon,
our souls on the monsoon as he watches from a distance,
garb drenched in rain and pressing to his flesh
like a child clinging to the familiar touch and smell,
watches with starlit pupils and a half-crescent smile,
perhaps not benign, but a sign.

Upon first read, I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it generally felt too messy and winded for me to understand much of this. I agree with Kylan - the flow's all over the place. In particular, the change from past tense "landed" to present "watches" breaks up the rhythm, in my opinion. The same goes for "the familiar" as opposed to just "familar". I think this could do with becoming two sentences, as opposed to just the one. A simple change would certainly sort out some of the ideas - line five should be a new sentence: "He watches".

On the other hand, all the little rhymes in here work fantastically. I love the connection between "monsoon" and "moon" a lot.

None was a godly revenue spiraling out of godless soles
of worn shoes and boot imprints upon the surface of the moon
(static)
and fire splashing a circular frame on charred helmet with no
angels or choirs in the way to progress stay

This time I'm starting to feel like I've got no idea what I should be taking from this, nor what you mean. "None was a godly revenue" - what? I wouldn't expect this to happen on the moon, no, and so if it didn't happen (lines 1-2), and it wasn't supposed to happen (and I can't imagine it would), then I'm left wondering what the point of what you just said was. If I'm making any sense at all.

I feel like there's nothing practical, relateable to the reader to actually introduce a fair amount of cohesion into the poem, and everything changes too much - one moment the man's on the moon, then there're some souls in the monsoon, and then Helen's looking up at the sky and then he's a meteor. While I loved the Greek parts, I felt they weren't tied into a stable poem. Particularly towards the end of the second stanza, I felt like I knew what was happening, like I was starting to reach an idea I could grasp, but then it was all rounded off without really bringing in anything beforehand again. An atmosphere was created, and it was brilliant, but it was too distant.

The ending, I loved. The last line especially - clawing at his heels - is an example of some great imagery, and yet it still made sense. Just try and be less abstract - not really sure of what else to say. I like the poem, but I feel as I could love it.

Well, yes. I hope I've been of a little help. ^^
-Blinky

I can tell it's really beautiful, but I can't say that I got it. I feel like you need to make your meaning more clear. There are a lot of words intertwining with each other and it becomes hard to follow. I like it, though. It may just be me allowing all the information from poetry class last year seep out of my brain over the summer. Keep up the good work!

Hey Gal, so here's the review I promised.

There was a great deal happening in this poem – or maybe that isn't the actual case, it's just the way you made it seem. The basic settings keep changing or at least trying to change; it's as if the poem didn't quite know where to settle down... a bit like quicksilver, if you don't mind. The idea of this is quite fascinating, but it may have not come out the most becoming way.

with no
angels or choirs in the way to progress stay

Yeah, this got me too. It's like you were having a walk in the park and then suddenly you bump into a tree. It's too sudden, too abrupt, makes you go "Hmm... what?"– and I don't really like this feature. I can see what you're reaching with it, but I think you could rethink the execution.

Heaven! That haven of Helen of Troy of the coast of the gods

This I like, because the "of" jungle is quite clever and I can see it's intentional. The only thing I don't really like about this line is the ecstatic cry "Heaven!". It's too preachy for my taste... and I was going for another adjective as well, but I'm suffering from a brain blackout and can't therefore remember it.


My favourite lines were the very first and the very last ones, which is sort of funny, now that I think of it. Your poems are usually quite challenging for me to review, but so far it doesn't seem to have done any harm, since you tend to ask me for reviews every now and then. =) This probably wasn't much of help, though – but I hope there was at least something in this that you found useful. Thanks for the read.


Demeter
x

Whoa, okay....I'm afraid I didn't understand a word of that, but it was kind of cool nevertheless. I don't know, maybe you meant it to be kind of abstract? Anyway it was very weird but interesting anyway.

This is very kick ass. I wish I'd written it, because then I would lord it over you all, and spit in your upturned faces.

Ok, maybe a bit too far, but the sentiment's the same. Keep on keeping on.