Mission Zero part 2

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14895
Reviews 202
It turned out that the Dark Wing was right around the corner. Kevin must have circled back during the chase.
‘That, is the last time I go shopping.’ He thought.
He had been stocking up on food in disguise when the police ship had detected him. Now tired, hungry, and injured with a laser cut on his right leg he had to relocate. He wrapped a bandage around his lower leg and returned to the cockpit.
He did a system check, making sure everything was in working order.
When that finished he started the engine. The ship roared to life and lifted off like a helicopter.
Soon he was flying above the city. He leaned back into the seat. Piloting was one of the things that came easily to him. At age thirteen he was already a better pilot than most adults.
Kevin yawned, he was exhausted.
Looking for a place to land where no one would see him, he found an empty parking lot that suited his purpose.
Carefully maneuvering the large ship, he managed to land silently. Usually, he double-checked to make sure the coast was clear. But exhaustion took advantage of him.
‘Maybe just a quick nap.’ He thought. He went to the sleeping quarters, and before his head touched the pillow, he was soon sound asleep.
Even while he was still sleeping, Kevin’s attentiveness was active. Somehow he knew something was inside the ship. He didn’t open his eyes, but instead laid still; listening. Something was in the corridor. And by the humming sound it was making, Kevin knew it was a robot.
‘What is a robot doing here?’
He was just about to open his eyes when the door to his room hissed open.
Adrenalin surged through him, but he forced himself to lie still.
Light flickered on his eyelids and the machine drew nearer. Kevin waited breathlessly until the last second. Just as the robot floated right next to him, his eyes flew open.
Immediately, the robot took off, engines squealing. Kevin jumped after it, he landed on his feet and skidded around the corner after it. The robot zoomed down the ramp. When Kevin caught up, it was already gone. He clenched his fists in frustration.
It was surprisingly bright out, with a start Kevin realized that he had slept through the entire night. He could see the sun rising already outside the control-dome. In the dim light his surroundings became clear. Spart-Mart. A store that sells parts for space ships, he used to go there all the time when he was at the K.S.A.
Kevin smiled sadly at the memory; this was where he bought some of the upgrades he used on Matilda’s ship.
The store would be opening in an hour, so Kevin readied the Dark Wing for takeoff and left.
One thing he liked about flying his ship was the feel of it. The windshield was tinted, and a see-through computer in front of it made navigation easier. He didn’t have to look away from outside while driving. The windshield was at an angle so the depth of it made it felt like a video game simulator. He had got the ship in a desperate attempt to flee. His eye for ships had told him right away that this was a good one. It wasn’t like he stole it, because it had been scheduled to be destroyed anyway.
Ever since he could remember, he wanted a ship of his own. He can build them but his dad wouldn’t let him have one when he was younger. Younger. As if! He would do anything to have a chance to redo the events of a year ago. But that was the past.
The lab. Kevin didn’t know where the thought came from. It just popped in his head. Only that it seemed like a good idea. He used to spend hours at a time working at the lab, in fact, that was where he built the Anatronzer. Public labs, (like libraries) were common on Nita. Only instead of books, people brought their own projects and worked in fully equipped facilities. The one Kevin used to go to used to be an actual lab at one point. It had high walls, dark rooms with hanging lights, and comfortable workstations. He spent more time there than at home.
The all too familiar rooftop came into sight, it’s arched black top stood higher than the surrounding buildings. Curving into a banked turn Kevin set the ship down a little ways away from the actual parking lot. Using the Anatronzer, he gave himself black hair and a different build. At the front desk a lady asked him his name.
“Egroeg.” Kevin said.
“Please proceed to Room 5C.” Said the lady in a bored voice. She opened the doors that led to the main interior.
Kevin – Egroeg – followed the hallway until he saw 5C above a doorway.
5C was a big room, big enough to have four workstations that were a good distance apart. No one else was there but just to be safe he checked to see if anyone was watching, than he disengaged the Anatronzer. He returned to his normal form and his device shrunk neatly to a black metal band.
Taking out his handheld computer he began working on it.
He had just started when he heard someone come in, she was almost silent but he heard her footsteps.
He looked up, a girl with short brown hair with pink highlights leaned on his desk. He drew back, surprised. Her face was about ten inches away from his.
“Hey there,” Her eyes were the strangest color, purple. “I was wondering if you could give me directions.”
Kevin blinked.
“S-sure, I can give you directions. Could you . . . you know . . . give me some space?”
“Of course.” She smiled and straightened up.
“Thanks. So, where do you want directions to?” Kevin asked.
“Do you know where the Star Beam café is?” She looked right into his eyes.
“Yeah, I do-“
“Oh thank you.” She smiled broadly.
Kevin stood up.
“Listen, stop looking at me like that ok?”
“I’m sorry, is it making you nervous?”
“No.” Kevin picked up his things and put his backpack on.
“Then why did you put your backpack on upside-down?”
Kevin looked down with a start, his backpack was on his back, but it was upside-down.
“I . . .” He couldn’t come up with an excuse. Sheepishly, he turned the bag to its upright position. He decided to change the subject.
“Star Beam Café is two blocks away, left than right. You can’t miss it.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t leave.
“Is there anything else?”
“Well, I thought you would take me there.”
“No, no, no, listen, I’m busy, I don’t have time for this. I can’t show you where it is so you’ll just have to find it yourself.” Kevin said. He turned to leave.
She looked so crestfallen that he hesitated. ‘Don’t do it!’ He thought, but he turned back to her.
“OK, fine, I’ll help you.” He sighed.
Immediately, her face brightened up. “Yay.” She said.
They left the lab and started walking down the street.
On Nita, the ground was reserved for pedestrians.
She strode along beside him. Secretly, Kevin enjoyed the company.
“I’m Mancy.” She chirped.
“Kevin.” Said Kevin. He almost hit himself. Why did he use his real name?
He waited for her reaction but she just kept talking. He studied her; He figured she was his age. She wore a short sleeve shirt but she had sleeves on her arms that were separate. It was an odd style that seemed to suit her personality perfectly.
They came in front of the café.
“Ok you’re here now see you later.” He said.
“Wait,” Mancy said. “Why don’t you stay? I’ll buy you something, my treat.” She bribed.
“I don’t know . . . “ Before Kevin could further protest, Mancy grabbed his arm and pulled him in the restaurant.
They sat at booth along the wall. The waitress came over and Mancy ordered fries and a space burger. Reluctantly, Kevin ordered a pasta special. (The Star Beam café has a large menu selection.)
While they waited for their orders they sipped their drinks and Mancy yakked away.
Kevin tried to listen to her chatter but he found himself self-consciously watching his surroundings. Since his last experience he felt awkward being out undisguised. He half heard something that caught his attention.
“Wait, what did you say?” He asked.
“I said: ‘have you heard the news?’”
“No, what about it?” Kevin said guardedly.
“There have been extensive kidnappings around the city. Especially at the K.S.A.” Mancy said.
Even from where she was sitting, she could see Kevin’s face pale.
“Do they know why?” He tried to keep his voice steady.
“Not yet. I don’t think.” Mancy said.
“I’m going to get a refill.” He slid out from the booth and went over to the soda machine. ‘Is Matilda OK?’ He thought. ‘Is she one of them? I have to find out, But how? I can’t just show up at the K.S.A. ’
“Dude! Just make up your mind!” A person behind him said impatiently.
Kevin blinked; he had been staring at the Kola-pep label for who knows how long? He refilled his cup and headed back to the booth.
Mancy was talking on a videophone; she finished saying something and hung up before he got there.
“Hey,” She said casually. “You OK?”
Kevin gave her a what-do-you-mean look.
“OK, OK, I can take a hint.” Mancy said. She looked up at him while she took a sip of her soda.
“Here you go.” The waitress brought their orders over and set them on the table.
She looked at Kevin strangely as if she was trying to think of where she saw him.
She shook her head and left.
Mancy took a big bite of her space burger, Kevin poked at his pasta, thinking. Finally, he started eating it. It was the best food he had eaten in weeks.
When he finished he felt a lot better. They left the table and paid for their food.
Mancy paid for hers but Kevin insisted to pay for his own. He did have a lot of money from odd “jobs” he had taken up.
“Well, I’ll be on my way.” Kevin said once they were outside.
“Wait.” Said Marcy. “How about we go to my house?”
“No thanks.” Said Kevin. He turned to leave. Mancy stepped in front of him.
“Come on, please.” She smiled flirtingly.
“No,” Kevin repeated. He had to get out of here before someone recognized him. She had no idea who he was. But if she watched the news, how could she not?
“Aww, why not?” She asked.
“Because I’m busy.” Kevin was beginning to get irritated.
“Oh. Well, I’ll just go with you.” Mancy said.
“No you will not!”
Mancy lowered her head, her lip quivered.
“What is wrong now?” Kevin said in annoyance.
“I thought you were my friend.” She said miserably. “I just wanted you to visit me.”
Kevin looked at her thoughtfully. He could tell she was acting. “Look, cut the act. You can’t be that heartbroken.”
Mancy sobbed louder, her face hidden by her hair.
People were starting to stare. ‘No! No! No!” Kevin thought. With all this attention someone was going to recognize him for sure.
“OK, OK, stop crying!” He said.
Mancy sniffled. She looked up; her face was streamed with tears.
Kevin drew her aside. “What is your problem?”
“I don’t have any friends, so I decided to make one today, and now . . .” She breathed in shakily.
“Hey girl. Is this guy bothering you?” A gentleman asked.
Kevin looked at him. Huge mistake.
The man staggered back. “Y-you’re that kid! The one the police are searching for!”
Mancy caught Kevin’s eye. He gave a timid smile to her. ‘Now do you get it?’
“Call the police!” The man hollered.
People all around started looking even more. A few recognized Kevin. They shouted and pointed.
Sirens could be heard in the distance. Survival instincts kicking in, Kevin took off running through the crowds. He blindly brushed past people, weaving in and out to avoid collision.
‘A day in the life of Kevin Starskye.’ He thought sarcastically. This was getting old.
He legs pounded on the pavement. He couldn’t hear the sirens anymore. Maybe he outran them? He stopped to catch his breath; his leg throbbed painfully. He had forgotten about the laser cut. Any healing it had done was completely destroyed now.
Laser cuts were usually treated in hospital, but if Kevin did that he would get turned in. He had to get something for it. So he made plans to buy some medication for it at a store somewhere. So now he had to get back to the Dark Wing, (Which was still at the lab) find a drugstore, disguise himself, find medication without rousing too much suspension, and find a new place to lay low for a while. ‘Yup.’ He thought. ‘It’s great to be me.’

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry it's so long, I couldn't figure out which parts to take out. Any advice would be so very much appreciated! (And possibly you might see a review from me!)
Last edited by Pretty Crazy on Fri Aug 28, 2009 2:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1030
Reviews 1260
Pretty Crazy wrote:It turned out that the Dark Wing was right around the corner.


The Dark Wing was right around the corner.

Pretty Crazy wrote:Kevin must have circled back during the chase.


I do have one problem with this sentence, and those are the words must have. If Kevin is lost, then this OK, but if he did, your narrator should never be unsure. A third person narrator is always following the characters, and they always know everything that they are doing.

Pretty Crazy wrote:‘That, is the last time I go shopping.’ He thought.


That is the last time I go shopping, he thought.

Pretty Crazy wrote:He had been stocking up on food in disguise when the police ship had detected him.


Where is he stocking up on food? Where did he have the time to get a disguise?

Pretty Crazy wrote: hungry


I thought he was stocking up on food. Consitency, please. You could try something like, "hungry, he stuffed the food down his mouth"

Pretty Crazy wrote:At age thirteen he was already a better pilot than most adults.


How is this possible? Did he recieve any special training?

Pretty Crazy wrote:Kevin yawned, he was exhausted.


Kevin yawned, for he was exhausted.

Pretty Crazy wrote:Looking for a place to land where no one would see him, he found an empty parking lot that suited his purpose.


Where? If he's still in the city, wouldn't they eventually find him.

Pretty Crazy wrote:Even while he was still sleeping, Kevin’s attentiveness was active. Somehow he knew something was inside the ship.


When you are asleep, you're pretty much unconscious. You aren't going to be able to detect anything.

Pretty Crazy wrote: He didn’t open his eyes, but instead laid still; listening. Something was in the corridor. And by the humming sound it was making, Kevin knew it was a robot.


Then he's not asleep. He's pretending to be asleep or trying to go to sleep.

Pretty Crazy wrote:his eyes flew open.


i don't usually think of eyes when I hear the word "flew". Maybe you could try something like "fluttered"

Pretty Crazy wrote: He could see the sun rising already outside the control-dome. In the dim light his surroundings became clear. There was a Spart-Mart, which was a A store that sold parts for space ships. He used to go there all the time when he was at the K.S.A.


See the above revisions.


Pretty Crazy wrote:He can build them but his dad wouldn’t let him have one when he was younger.


He could build them.

Pretty Crazy wrote:Younger. As if!


These two are sentence fragments.

Pretty Crazy wrote:“Please proceed to Room 5C.” Said the lady in a bored voice.


Try 'dull' instead of bored.


Pretty Crazy wrote:Kevin – Egroeg – followed the hallway until he saw 5C above a doorway.


Maybe you could try 'Kevin, who would now be called Egroeg'


Pretty Crazy wrote:“Hey there,” Her eyes were the strangest color, purple. “I was wondering if you could give me directions.”


Her eyes were the strangest shade of purple.


As I read on, I couldn't really see anymore mistakes, but just remember to italicize thoughts and not put them in quotes. Kevin also seems like a little bit of a Mary Sue. He can build ships? He can fly better then most adults? There are some really good online tests that you can take. Anyway, good luck with your writing.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2154
Reviews 119
Hello there! Roon here; at your request! This is really intriguing, I’m hooked already! Anyways, nitpicks first!

‘That, is the last time I go shopping.’ He thought.

Lowercase for the he. If it’s a description of the way someone talked, ie it’s related to the speech, you use lowercase. If it’s completely new, and not relevant to the speech; it’s uppercase.

Now tired, hungry, and injured with a laser cut on his right leg he had to relocate.

Semi-colon after leg.

When that finished he started the engine.

I would put a comma after finished.

He leaned back into the seat. Piloting was one of the things that came easily to him.

I would use a semi-colon rather than a full-stop.

Usually, he double-checked to make sure the coast was clear. But exhaustion took advantage of him.

I would make this one sentence.

Even while he was still sleeping, Kevin’s attentiveness was active.

I don’t think attentiveness is the word you’re looking for here. I’m not sure what you would use, but I know what you’re trying to say. Also, maybe you could say something like “he slept lightly, and so was woken from his slumber, sensing another presence on board.” you don’t wake up easily from REM sleep.

When Kevin caught up, it was already gone.

If he’s caught up it wouldn’t be gone and he’d be able to catch it.

It wasn’t like he stole it, because it had been scheduled to be destroyed anyway.

I would say something like, he didn’t see it as stealing as it had been scheduled to be destroyed anyway.

Ever since he could remember, he wanted a ship of his own.

He had wanted

He can build them but his dad wouldn’t let him have one when he was younger.

Comma after them.

As if!

As if what? Of course he was younger, I’m not sure I follow why you’ve said this, maybe you could say “what a laugh” I assume it’s to emphasise that not much time has passed, I think there are better ways.

He would do anything to have a chance to redo the events of a year ago. But that was the past.

I would make this one sentence.

The lab.

I think you should have an exclamation mark here. Also, maybe you should put it in italics to reinforce the fact that it is a thought.

It just popped in his head.

Into his head I think would sound better.

Only instead of books, people brought their own projects and worked in fully equipped facilities.

We guessed.

The one Kevin used to go to used to be an actual lab at one point.

It’s still an actual lab, just a different type, try research lab, or science lab if that’s what you’re trying to get at.

He spent more time there than at home.

He had spent more…

The all too familiar rooftop came into sight, it’s arched black top stood higher than the surrounding buildings.

The all too familiar, arched, black roof came into sight, it stood higher than all the surrounding buildings. It flows better, I feel.

Curving into a banked turn Kevin set the ship down a little ways away from the actual parking lot.

A little way from the actual parking lot.

“Please proceed to Room 5C.” Said the lady in a bored voice.

said* also, you went from using ‘ to “, sorry, my OCD must be playing up lol! I sound overly picky, but if I’ve noticed that, then other people will, it’s a little distracting.

No one else was there but just to be safe he checked to see if anyone was watching, than he disengaged the Anatronzer.

I would put a comma after there. Also, you put than when you meant then.

He returned to his normal form and his device shrunk neatly to a black metal band.

I think a comma after form.

Taking out his handheld computer he began working on it.

Comma after computer.

He looked up, a girl with short brown hair with pink highlights leaned on his desk.

Odd punctuation here, I would say:
He looked up. A girl, with short brown hair with pink highlights, leaned on his desk.

“Of course.” She smiled and straightened up.

she*

“Yeah, I do-“

why a hyphen? Also, your speech mark at the end is facing the wrong way.

Kevin looked down with a start, his backpack was on his back, but it was upside-down.

Yeah she just told us that, just say that she was right. For example,
His eyes snapped towards his bag, confirming what she had said.

“Star Beam Café is two blocks away, left than right. You can’t miss it.”

I’d have a comma rather than starting a new sentence.

I can’t show you where it is so you’ll just have to find it yourself.”

Comma after is.

“OK, fine, I’ll help you.” He sighed.

he*

Immediately, her face brightened up. “Yay.” She said.

she* I’m going to stop pointing these out now, I think you get the idea. Also, I think you could use better words than said here.

It was an odd style that seemed to suit her personality perfectly.

He hasn’t really had time to make out her personality yet. Also, why would it suit her? Give us an example of one of her qualities and link it to the style

They came in front of the café.

They arrived at the café. It doesn’t make sense how you said it.

They sat at booth along the wall.

It would be at a booth, but I don’t think that you mean booth.

The waitress came over and Mancy ordered fries and a space burger.

Replace and with a comma.

While they waited for their orders they sipped their drinks and Mancy yakked away.

Comma after orders.

Kevin tried to listen to her chatter but he found himself self-consciously watching his surroundings.

Comma after chatter.

He half heard something that caught his attention.

I would just say heard.

Kevin gave her a what-do-you-mean look.

Kevin shot her a questioning look. I don’t like the use of hyphens like that unless there is a specific purpose.

‘No! No! No!” Kevin thought.

You changed ‘ to “ again. Anyways… I think you should maybe have thoughts in italics, rather than speech marks.

“Hey girl. Is this guy bothering you?” A gentleman asked.

Comma after hey.

He gave a timid smile to her.

He gave her a timid smile. It flows better.

He legs pounded on the pavement.

His, also I think you should say feet.

He had to get something for it. So he made plans to buy some medication for it at a store somewhere.

I would keep this all as one sentence, also, say he began to make plans, else it could be at any time.

So now he had to get back to the Dark Wing, (Which was still at the lab) find a drugstore, disguise himself, find medication without rousing too much suspension, and find a new place to lay low for a while.

Lots of commas here. Also I think you mean arousing attention, rather than rousing suspension.

Okay, nitpicks over! I like this idea, it’s very gripping, and well written. I think you need to work on your character development a little, we don’t really know a great deal about him. What are the events he speaks of? Although I’m sure we’ll find out in due course! He seems fairly likeable. Although, we cannot yet care very deeply about him, as you haven’t really established much of a connection for the reader, which is what a brief history would accomplish, we need to understand his motives.

I think you should also look at the layout, break it up. Leave a line between each paragraph. Big blocks of text can put off a reader, it is hard for us to break through the barrier it creates.

I think the pace you’ve established is a very good one. It is very important to find the right balance, as I’m sure you’re aware. Make sure you maintain this, if you exhaust your ideas too quickly it will seem rushed, also you don’t want to keep the reader hanging for too long, or else we will lose interest, which is why you need to begin to establish your character and his history soon. Also, I’m very nosey, and your story has now caught my eye!

The world you have created is a little blurry for me at the moment. It seems as though you’re trying to go for the generic, futuristic, planet. I think you should try to put your own twist on it though. You don’t really describe the surroundings in a very detailed way at any point. I think you should make sure you let the reader into your mind in terms of location, as it is a very important part of the story.

I do like this story, I like the way you’ve left it on the cliff-hanger. It really makes me want to read on, I’m hooked, so please let me know when you post more! Your writing style is very nice, I think you need to work on imagery and establishing the location though. You don’t use very much imagery at all, which is something you may want to work on in later chapters! Thank you for replying to my thread, if you ever want another review, you know where I am! If I’ve said anything you have a question about, or a problem with, please don’t hesitate to let me know! Thank you for the opportunity to read your stunning work!

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1176
Reviews 56
Hey! Thunder here, at your request!

Alright, I think the other review handled the nitpicks, so I'll focus on the overall.

First of all, the girl ordered a "space burger". Earlier, you refered to "space dollars". It makes the entire setting seem like the imagination of a ten year old. The burger can just be called a burger, and the money...well, you could come up with a new system, if you feel the need. That would be neat. If you don't want to, just use "dollars".

Second, Kevin is thirteen and better at flying ships than many adults, he can build them...seems like a Gary Stu. As such, I think you really need to emphasize his flaws to counter his amazing prodigy skills.

You frequently, as before, connect two complete sentences with a comma. Instead, use a dash.

Otherwise, I really liked the piece. Good luck on the rest of the story!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 32546
Reviews 739
It turned out that the Dark Wing was right around the corner. Kevin must have circled back during the chase.
‘That, is the last time I go shopping.’ He thought.
He had been stocking up on food in disguise when the police ship had detected him. Now tired, hungry, and injured with a laser cut on his right leg he had to relocate. He wrapped a bandage around his lower leg and returned to the cockpit.
He did a system check, making sure everything was in working order.
When that finished he started the engine. The ship roared to life and lifted off like a helicopter.
Soon he was flying above the city. He leaned back into the seat. Piloting was one of the things that came easily to him. At age thirteen he was already a better pilot than most adults.
Kevin yawned, he was exhausted.


Be a little more descriptive here- I would like more detail of the ship. What color it is, how big it is, is it a rusty old thing or a brand spanking new ship.
An enormous yawn escaped Kevin’s throat. He was exhausted.



Looking for a place to land where no one would see him, he found an empty parking lot that suited his purpose.


Instead of ‘found’ how about ‘located’


Carefully maneuvering the large ship, he managed to land silently. Usually, he double-checked to make sure the coast was clear. But exhaustion took advantage of him.
‘Maybe just a quick nap.’ He thought. He went to the sleeping quarters, and before his head touched the pillow, he was soon sound asleep.
Even while he was still sleeping, Kevin’s attentiveness was active. Somehow he knew something was inside the ship. He didn’t open his eyes, but instead laid still; listening. Something was in the corridor. And by the humming sound it was making, Kevin knew it was a robot.


How can you be listening to something in your sleep? This part seems a little too ‘psycicy’


‘What is a robot doing here?’
He was just about to open his eyes when the door to his room hissed open.
Adrenalin surged through him, but he forced himself to lie still.


More descriptive, please! Adrenaline surged through his veins sound a little better to me. I know I’m being extra picky!



Light flickered on his eyelids and the machine drew nearer. Kevin waited breathlessly until the last second. Just as the robot floated right next to him, his eyes flew open.


‘Light flickered on his eyelids’ just sounds…. Weird.


Immediately, the robot took off, engines squealing. Kevin jumped after it, he landed on his feet and skidded around the corner after it. The robot zoomed down the ramp. When Kevin caught up, it was already gone. He clenched his fists in frustration.


So robots get scared when people open their eyes?
The second sentence sounds wrong. You can’t really ‘jump’ after it and then ‘skid’ around a corner. Actually, I think a lot of this needs rephrasing.
Immediately the robot took off, engines squealing, and roomed back down the ramp. Kevin jumped out of bed and ran after it, skidding around a corner. By the time he got to the bottom of the ramp, however, it was gone. He clenched his fists in frustration.



It was surprisingly bright out, with a start Kevin realized that he had slept through the entire night. He could see the sun rising already outside the control-dome. In the dim light his surroundings became clear. Spart-Mart. A store that sells parts for space ships, he used to go there all the time when he was at the K.S.A.


You wrote ‘it was surprisingly bright out’ and then ‘in the dim light’.
Looking out the window of the control-dome, he could see the sun beginning to rise. With a start, Kevin realized he had slept through the entire night. In the light of the dim morning sun, his surroundings slowly became clear. He saw Spart-Mart through the window; a store that sells spare parts for space ships. He sighed longingly; this is where he had bought some of the upgrades for Matilda’s ship.


Kevin smiled sadly at the memory; this was where he bought some of the upgrades he used on Matilda’s ship.
The store would be opening in an hour, so Kevin readied the Dark Wing for takeoff and left.


The store would be opening in an hour, and not wanting to get caught, he readied the Dark Wing for takeoff, and in no time he was back in the air.


One thing he liked about flying his ship was the feel of it. The windshield was tinted, and a see-through computer in front of it made navigation easier. He didn’t have to look away from outside while driving. The windshield was at an angle so the depth of it made it felt like a video game simulator. He had got the ship in a desperate attempt to flee. His eye for ships had told him right away that this was a good one. It wasn’t like he stole it, because it had been scheduled to be destroyed anyway.


He loved flying this ship; the tinted windshield and translucent computer navigator made it feel like a video game stimulator.
Exactly how did he know it was ‘a good one’ if he only saw it from the outside? And how did he know it was going to be destroyed? If it was good, why would it be? How he acquired the Wing is pretty unrealistic.


Ever since he could remember, he wanted a ship of his own. He can build them but his dad wouldn’t let him have one when he was younger. Younger. As if! He would do anything to have a chance to redo the events of a year ago. But that was the past.


Ever since he could remember, he wanted a ship of his own. He was even able to build himself one, but his dad wouldn’t let him have a ship when he was younger.
Younger! Kevin scoffed at the word. As if!
Able to singlehandedly build a spaceship as a child?! Yea, that’s going a little too far.
You can leave out the ‘redoing his past’ part- it doesn’t really fit in there.



The lab. Kevin didn’t know where the thought came from. It just popped in his head. Only that it seemed like a good idea. He used to spend hours at a time working at the lab, in fact, that was where he built the Anatronzer. Public labs, (like libraries) were common on Nita. Only instead of books, people brought their own projects and worked in fully equipped facilities. The one Kevin used to go to used to be an actual lab at one point. It had high walls, dark rooms with hanging lights, and comfortable workstations. He spent more time there than at home.


What thought?
….working at the lab. In fact,
On Nita? If Nita is a place, it would be in Nita. Or if it was a planet, I guess it would be on.



The all too familiar rooftop came into sight, it’s arched black top stood higher than the surrounding buildings. Curving into a banked turn Kevin set the ship down a little ways away from the actual parking lot. Using the Anatronzer, he gave himself black hair and a different build. At the front desk a lady asked him his name.
“Egroeg.” Kevin said.
“Please proceed to Room 5C.” Said the lady in a bored voice. She opened the doors that led to the main interior.


Please proceed to Room 5C,” said the lady in a bored voice. She opened the doors leading into the main interior with a button.
Was it with a button? Because that’s how I pictured it. You never said she walked over to the doors to open them for him, so I assumed she was still at the desk.



Kevin – Egroeg – followed the hallway until he saw 5C above a doorway.
5C was a big room, big enough to have four workstations that were a good distance apart. No one else was there but just to be safe he checked to see if anyone was watching, than he disengaged the Anatronzer. He returned to his normal form and his device shrunk neatly to a black metal band.
Taking out his handheld computer he began working on it.


That ^ could but put into the previous paragraph.


He had just started when he heard someone come in, she was almost silent but he heard her footsteps.
He looked up, a girl with short brown hair with pink highlights leaned on his desk. He drew back, surprised. Her face was about ten inches away from his.
“Hey there,” Her eyes were the strangest color, purple. “I was wondering if you could give me directions.”
Kevin blinked.
“S-sure, I can give you directions. Could you . . . you know . . . give me some space?”
“Of course.” She smiled and straightened up.
“Thanks. So, where do you want directions to?” Kevin asked.
“Do you know where the Star Beam café is?” She looked right into his eyes.


How about- she looked directly into his eyes. I would really recommend that you use a thesaurus more often.


“Yeah, I do-“
“Oh thank you.” She smiled broadly.
Kevin stood up.
“Listen, stop looking at me like that ok?”
“I’m sorry, is it making you nervous?”
“No.” Kevin picked up his things and put his backpack on.
“Then why did you put your backpack on upside-down?”
Kevin looked down with a start, his backpack was on his back, but it was upside-down.
“I . . .” He couldn’t come up with an excuse. Sheepishly, he turned the bag to its upright position. He decided to change the subject.
“Star Beam Café is two blocks away, left than right. You can’t miss it.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t leave.
“Is there anything else?”
“Well, I thought you would take me there.”
“No, no, no, listen, I’m busy, I don’t have time for this. I can’t show you where it is so you’ll just have to find it yourself.” Kevin said. He turned to leave.
She looked so crestfallen that he hesitated. ‘Don’t do it!’ He thought, but he turned back to her.
“OK, fine, I’ll help you.” He sighed.
Immediately, her face brightened up. “Yay.” She said.


Yay!” she squealed. It just gives her more personality.


They left the lab and started walking down the street.
On Nita, the ground was reserved for pedestrians.


^ That could be part of the paragraph above it.


She strode along beside him. Secretly, Kevin enjoyed the company.
“I’m Mancy.” She chirped.
“Kevin.” Said Kevin. He almost hit himself. Why did he use his real name?
He waited for her reaction but she just kept talking. He studied her; He figured she was his age. She wore a short sleeve shirt but she had sleeves on her arms that were separate. It was an odd style that seemed to suit her personality perfectly.


I liked your descriptions there^


They came in front of the café.


They stopped once they reached the front of the café.


“Ok you’re here now see you later.” He said.
“Wait,” Mancy said. “Why don’t you stay? I’ll buy you something, my treat.” She bribed.
“I don’t know . . . “ Before Kevin could further protest, Mancy grabbed his arm and pulled him in the restaurant.
They sat at booth along the wall. The waitress came over and Mancy ordered fries and a space burger. Reluctantly, Kevin ordered a pasta special. (The Star Beam café has a large menu selection.)


lol. Spaceburger.


While they waited for their orders they sipped their drinks and Mancy yakked away.
Kevin tried to listen to her chatter but he found himself self-consciously watching his surroundings. Since his last experience he felt awkward being out undisguised. He half heard something that caught his attention.
“Wait, what did you say?” He asked.
“I said: ‘have you heard the news?’”
“No, what about it?” Kevin said guardedly.
“There have been extensive kidnappings around the city. Especially at the K.S.A.” Mancy said.
Even from where she was sitting, she could see Kevin’s face pale.
“Do they know why?” He tried to keep his voice steady.
“Not yet. I don’t think.” Mancy said.


“Not yet, I don’t think.”


“I’m going to get a refill.” He slid out from the booth and went over to the soda machine. ‘Is Matilda OK?’ He thought. ‘Is she one of them? I have to find out, But how? I can’t just show up at the K.S.A. ’
“Dude! Just make up your mind!” A person behind him said impatiently.
Kevin blinked; he had been staring at the Kola-pep label for who knows how long? He refilled his cup and headed back to the booth.
Mancy was talking on a videophone; she finished saying something and hung up before he got there.
“Hey,” She said casually. “You OK?”
Kevin gave her a what-do-you-mean look.
“OK, OK, I can take a hint.” Mancy said. She looked up at him while she took a sip of her soda.
“Here you go.” The waitress brought their orders over and set them on the table.
She looked at Kevin strangely as if she was trying to think of where she saw him.
She shook her head and left.
Mancy took a big bite of her space burger, Kevin poked at his pasta, thinking. Finally, he started eating it. It was the best food he had eaten in weeks.
When he finished he felt a lot better. They left the table and paid for their food.
Mancy paid for hers but Kevin insisted to pay for his own. He did have a lot of money from odd “jobs” he had taken up.
“Well, I’ll be on my way.” Kevin said once they were outside.
“Wait.” Said Marcy. “How about we go to my house?”
“No thanks.” Said Kevin. He turned to leave. Mancy stepped in front of him.
“Come on, please.” She smiled flirtingly.
“No,” Kevin repeated. He had to get out of here before someone recognized him. She had no idea who he was. But if she watched the news, how could she not?
“Aww, why not?” She asked.
“Because I’m busy.” Kevin was beginning to get irritated.
“Oh. Well, I’ll just go with you.” Mancy said.
“No you will not!”
Mancy lowered her head, her lip quivered.
“What is wrong now?” Kevin said in annoyance.
“I thought you were my friend.” She said miserably. “I just wanted you to visit me.”
Kevin looked at her thoughtfully. He could tell she was acting. “Look, cut the act. You can’t be that heartbroken.”
Mancy sobbed louder, her face hidden by her hair.
People were starting to stare. ‘No! No! No!” Kevin thought. With all this attention someone was going to recognize him for sure.
“OK, OK, stop crying!” He said.
Mancy sniffled. She looked up; her face was streamed with tears.
Kevin drew her aside. “What is your problem?”
“I don’t have any friends, so I decided to make one today, and now . . .” She breathed in shakily.
“Hey girl. Is this guy bothering you?” A gentleman asked.
Kevin looked at him. Huge mistake.
The man staggered back. “Y-you’re that kid! The one the police are searching for!”
Mancy caught Kevin’s eye. He gave a timid smile to her. ‘Now do you get it?’
“Call the police!” The man hollered.
People all around started looking even more. A few recognized Kevin. They shouted and pointed.


This part stank.
People all around them were watching in on the commotion. A few recognized Kevin. They screamed, shouted, and pointed.


Sirens could be heard in the distance. Survival instincts kicking in, Kevin took off running through the crowds. He blindly brushed past people, weaving in and out to avoid collision.
‘A day in the life of Kevin Starskye.’ He thought sarcastically. This was getting old.
He legs pounded on the pavement. He couldn’t hear the sirens anymore. Maybe he outran them? He stopped to catch his breath; his leg throbbed painfully. He had forgotten about the laser cut. Any healing it had done was completely destroyed now.


I think ‘his feet’ pounded on the pavement sounds better.
How does he forget about the laser cut?


Laser cuts were usually treated in hospital, but if Kevin did that he would get turned in. He had to get something for it. So he made plans to buy some medication for it at a store somewhere. So now he had to get back to the Dark Wing, (Which was still at the lab) find a drugstore, disguise himself, find medication without rousing too much suspension, and find a new place to lay low for a while. ‘Yup.’ He thought. ‘It’s great to be me.’





I thought it was obvious that he couldn’t go to the hospital, so you didn’t have to put that in there.
Now he had to get back to his ship, locate a drugstore, disguise himself, and pick up a medication without getting caught. And then he had to relocate. Again. He sighed heavily to himself.
“Yep, It’s great to be me.”



Ok, some overall advice- more descriptions. I liked how you described Mandy I kinda know what kind of character she is, but I’m still having trouble with Kevin. To me, he’s just boring. He just kind of goes around ‘la ted da well my life sucks and people make me frustrated’ and he’s perfect at about everything. Of course how you want your character to be is up to you, but personally, I would like more of the ‘paranoid convict on a mission for survival’ instead of the ‘nice guy who’s life sucks’.
And when I keep saying more descriptions, I don’t mean packing it full with tons of adjectives, per say. More like replacing words like ‘came to’ to ‘arrived’, ‘said’ to ‘sighed’ or ‘giggled’ or whatever fits, and ‘ran’ to ‘sprint’ or ‘dart’. Just little changes like that can really make a HUGE difference.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 15966
Reviews 134
Looks like the nitpicks have already been done, so I'll just tell you my general impression.

Firstly, I think you need to be more clear about the Black Wing. At first I thought it was just a flying car. Then he was going to some sleeping quarters, and I was thinking, "when did he get out of the car." Only a while later did I realise the sleeping quarters were in the black wing, which was bigger than I'd thought.

Kevin seems to have very little caution, seeing as he went out in public in his usual form just because this girl gave him the sad eyes. This is fine, as long as you're consistent.

I like the idea of the public laboratory. It gives it a nice, futuristic touch. However, I thought it strange that the receptionist only asked his name, and didn't have any other form of ID check. Being a chemistry student, I know how easily labs can be misused (E.g. I once made chlorine gas by accident. We were supposed to be making oxygen). I'd have thought that such an institution would be heavily regulated. Otherwise anyone could use it to make weapons, drugs, poisons etc.

Oh, and the space burgers - Take Thunder's advice.

In general though, this chapter's pretty good. Kevin seems to be an interesting character. Mancy too. Of course she'll turn up later and not just be some lonely girl right?
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1926
Reviews 16
Hey again pretty crazy, thanks for the review of my latest thing :)
Kk so I see basically everything about this has been reviewed, so ill just say that i think its great you've kept the brilliant pace and flow of part 1, but now added in some more detail. It makes the whole thing feel very cinematic and easily accessible.

Right, now i'm off to read part 3 :D

Baboon
"I am, I am, I AM..." - Randall Flagg levitating in The Stand



It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
— Mark Twain