Fuck its morning.”
Adrian cracked one eye open and felt it strain from the solid rectangle of sunlight that was coming in through the blinds just behind his headboard. He moved over to the far left side of his bed and felt the corner of his end table jabbing him in his back, an uncomfortable yet reassuring brace to keep him from falling. He tossed the sheets from his body and stretched, his muscles complaining and threatening to cramp and his joints popping as they readjusted to the new activity. He sat up in his bed and felt the warmth bleeding through the blinds behind him. He tussled his soft black hair and sighed happily, looking around his room and loving the off blue tint everything had in his still adjusting eyes. He got up out of bed and went to the small desk with a mirror against the wall near him and cycled through his music player, skipping a million artists only he knew and settling for one at least a few others did. The song started up abruptly and jolted Adrian awake, his eyes widening from the steady stimulating pulse of it. He stretched his arms up over his head and yawned, looking down at his naturally dark skin and shaking his head at the off colored V on his feet, a consequence of wearing almost nothing but sandals. He shook his head quickly to make his hair loose and sung along with the band, “And she could make hell feel just like home, so I’ll never make it home alive.”
Just then his bedroom door exploded open and a groggy eyed girl looked at him through heavy eyelids.
“Turn your screamo shit down, its barely 7 in the morning.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be awake anyways Sissy?”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Sure Iris.”
“Shut up.”
She closed the door behind her and let out a steady groan as she returned to the far end of the hallway to her corner bedroom. Adrian hummed and rolled back onto his bed, kicking his legs a bit off the side and finally moving completely to the opposite side and bashing his foot into the dresser. He hissed through his teeth and rubbed at his foot, nursing his injury. He shrugged off the pain and opened one of the draweres, black tees with band logos and designs from countless brand stores and outlets greeted him. He smiled at what he remembered his sister saying once, that he went out shopping more than she ever did. He leaned out farther and opened another drawer, retrieving a white shirt with an old faded band logo from some punk act his friend had introduced him to. He finished raiding his drawers and made his way out into the hallway with the shirt, a pair of faded jeans and some mint green underwear he had to guilt trip his dad into letting him buy.
He knocked on the bathroom door and waited for a response, none, so he pushed the door open and flipped the light on, walking in. He looked at the mirror and smiled warmly, “I hope you slept well.”
His sister shouted from down the hall.
“Stop talking to yourself.
“I’m talking to the weave you leave in the drain every night.”
“At least I don’t leave my southern trimmings on the fucking bathroom floor.”
“Yeah, because your personal hygiene habits are to be emulated.”
“Shut up and take a shower, I need to get ready for work.”
“Yeah the corner’s been lonely without you.”
“I swear if you don’t take a shower I’m going to beat you with the vintage brush you love so much.”
“whatever you say Sissy.”
He shut the door behind him and put his clothes on the countertop near the sink, going over to the shower and starting the water, undressing while it reached that sweet temperature he loved. He hummed to himself while he stripped and cricked his neck when he was finished and standing completely nude before the mirror. He looked up at himself and tilted his head, smiling again in an odd curiosity, running his hand through his hair. He traced one of his fingers from his throat to his waistline, almost being able to see the chill going through his body. He leaned in close and put his hands on the sink top, examining his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, the corners of his eyes, for anything, not imperfections, just something new. He didn’t find anything.
He stepped into the shower and rubbed at his face with the almost stinging hot water, his hands feeling slimy from the oil he was washing away. He ran his head under the showerhead and scrubbed his scalp vigorously, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the rush of needles to the top of his head. He showered off and soaped up, letting the lather wash off of him slowly while he went through what he wanted to do. He realized then that he was in a very good mood, for no particular reason, and that he was getting ready to go… nowhere.
He finished drying off and came out of the bathroom wearing just the shirt and his underwear, his jeans and the towel draped over his shoulder. His sister clicked her tongue, “You know your not five anymore.”
“Huh?”
“You walk around in your chonies like we’re still little kids.”
“Young at heart and young in soul.”
“You sound like a douche when you talk like that.”
“well its true.”
“Whatever Peter Pan, just pull your jeans on.”
Adrian walked downstairs and sat on the couch, pulling a blanket he had forgotten to put away over him. He flipped through the channels and wasn’t really looking for anything, as always, and just left it on the news while he turned on his phone and started sending out messages to see who would have him for the day. His parents were already gone for work; his dad working for the IID and his mom for some insurance company at their field office in town, so, like always, it was just him and his sister till she left for work and he went to a friend’s. He thought for a moment about having someone over to his house, but then decided against it, he hated having people over, he preferred being at other’s houses with their families than at his own and without his.
The News Anchor with the grey hair and piercing blue eyes was on, Adrian’s attention going directly to his confident and sarcastic tone.
“The President announced today his hopes for the still ongoing distribution of the Stimulus package, though conservative opposition in some states is stalling some new initiative programs he hoped to get into place before the end of this year.”
He liked Obama. His parents were from liberal families from outside of town, and so they raised him with a million and one pragmatic social concepts that made him stray from the whole arena of politics in general. All he knew was that some of his friends had parents who lost their jobs, and some of those friends even lost their houses. He wasn’t ignorant, or even apathetic, he was just inundated with the whole world and it’s hundred sided swords that were tossed around like batons. He shook his head and changed the channel, some cartoon about a kid his captain and a talking whale came on. He felt his phone vibrate against his right hip where he had set it. He flipped it open and read the messages.
“Henry: Sorry Addy, I’m in Riverside.”
“Carlos: Hellweek man, no time, just sleep -_-”
“Cheryl: Grounded :/”
He rolled his eyes and went on.
Mike, no, Geraldine, maybe, Israel, sure, Bethany, sure, Nate, sure. Adrian scratched his nose and tried a few more people, putting his phone back on the little table in front of the couch and going to the kitchen to get some cereal, still in just his underwear and shirt. His sister came down the stairs still drying her hair, and she noticed he hadn’t put on his jeans.
“Seriously, you need to put those things on.”
“Make me.”
“I can you know.”
“Words, blah blah blah.”
She shook her head and looked down at his phone, grinning.
“Well, I see you got some new messages, lets see if I cant disappoint some friends of yours.”
“Hey, no!”
He rushed over and rammed into her hard, grabbing for the phone.
“Get off I don’t want your verga rubbing against me.”
“Shut up your gross.”
Adrian managed to get ahold of his phone and pulled it away defensively.
“hahah, whatever then, you got a message.”
She walked into the kitchen and stole his cereal, sitting down to enjoy herself. Adrian looked again at his messages, the newest one sending a strange feeling of warmth through him.
“David: Come over if you want, its just me here, we’ll figure out something to do.”
Adrian blushed a bit, and even with his dark tone it was noticeable.
“Your girlfriend text you or something?”
“ahmm, no, Just a friend, I’m going to head over there when you leave.”
“I can give you a ride.”
“Please?”
Adrian went back to his room and frantically went through his routine of hair care, making it to his standard and yet still not coming to it. His hair curled at the ends and smelled of a fruit scent he had gotten in San Diego and it bounced with every rapid turn of his head. He made sure every angle of him in the mirror was complimented by something, he had even changed into a more slimming shirt before doing his hair so that he wouldn’t need to mess it up to change again. He pursed his lips and licked the dry surface, leaving them glistening, and till he got chapstick that was enough.
David had been Adrian’s friend since the fifth grade, and since then had been the center of his growing affection. At first it had been almost unconscious, some playful bumping and pushing, maybe some outright flirting, but it never went beyond what any kids did to annoy and mess around with each other. Before the thought of his sexuality ever crossed his mind, he had been in a plutonic relationship with David that was becoming less and less simple to explain or even for Adrian to handle. He laid out on his bed and closed his eyes to remember the one time they had both broken down and simply let go of their inhibitions.
It had been sometime towards the end of August, about two years ago, and yet to him it was still a fresh memory, with every taste, smell and sight vivid in his mind.
David invited him over to stay the night with him and two of his friends, people he wasn’t really comfortable being around mainly because he considered them “His Friends” even though he knew one of them and the other had been friends with Adrian since Kindergarten. It was his own awkwardness that night that had made him all the more uncomfortable when everything winded down and people started to drop to sleep. He had elected to sleep on the floor, and unfortunately so had David. The other two lay passed out on his bed, with David still calling out to one of them because of his need for sound, for interaction. They shared a single, large pillow and a very thin sheet that would have normally been placed under the larger blankets and thicker bed sheets, making him shift a bit every time David moved and got closer. Adrian was horrible with regular conversation, and so he relied on a bit of sarcasm or situational humor to get him into situations where he could work around whatever was being discussed. He put it to practice after the last fruitless call David made to the friend.
“Here I am, just laying out here for you, and you want some other guy?”
David leaned back on his elbows and looked at him. He recovered from the initial shyness that overcame him after looking into his eyes and went on.
“You need to work on your bedside manner.”
Feeling triumphant, he rolled over and waited for some kind of comeback, even the common punch to the back or arm.
“Oh my God, fine then.”
Suddenly Adrian found David’s arm slipping through his own and wrapping around his chest, the heat of his body and breath making him go limp with unexpected anxiety and another feeling he couldn’t really pinpoint. They lay there for a while and made a few jokes about the cold outside, the desert nights they had grown up in and always complained about. Finally Adrian spat out, “I have to use the restroom.”
David let him up and, almost stumbling, walked out of the room and straight to the hallway restroom, shutting the door behind him. He wet his face and dried it on one of the scattered hand towels David’s family had left lying around on every surface that could hold them. He felt sick, but not in any regular sense. He felt like he had just sunk underneath a wave of living water, his skin feeling overly sensitive, the friction of his own clothing making him chill. He gripped his hair and felt like if he tugged hard enough it would come out smoothly, like plucking loose hair from a dog that was shedding. He spat into the sink to get rid of the new taste in his mouth. The taste of want, of needing that feeling again.
He went back into the room and David was turned on his side, away from Adrian.
“Well, I guess its my turn.”
He hadn’t even thought and that’s what came out, the first thing he said spontaneously, without going through a million options and settling on none, like he usually did. This fact dissipated as soon as he limply draped his arm over David’s side. He felt strange, lying stiff as a board and with his arm like a random noodle just flopped onto his side. Apparently David had noticed.
“I go the full hundred and you just half ass it, now who needs work?”
Adrian reacted from his gut, lifting the blanket and looping his arm like David had done, and feeling the exact reverse of what he had felt before. He felt his own body heat melding with some outside source, his body wanting to get closer and closer to this invisible fire. He pressed himself closer, almost clutching David to him, and felt the faint beat of his heart, his chest rising and falling in almost the same nervous pattern as his own. David lifted Adrian’s arm and rolled over again, this time to face Adrian. They both had their hands on some part of the other, Adrian’s hand following the curvature of David’s torso while David’s pulled him closer from the hip.
They both blew clouds of hot breath over one another, the pitch black being penetrated only by the security light outside in the alley that ran along David’ home. David’s head was turned down, his knees pulling up and his arms pulling Adrian closer. Adrian simply waited, looking at David’s diverted eyes. Finally David looked up and they both lay in frozen anticipation for what could have been hours, but was most likely barely a second.
He forgot exactly who moved first, but all that mattered was that soon they were both pressed against each other completely, David’s hands trying to feel every inch of Adrian’s frame and Adrian’s novice lips trying to mimic what he thought was good kissing.
It was all very anti-cliché. They didn’t roll around and say each other’s name or even spout cheap one liners in between breaths. It was mostly sloppy kissing and foreplay, Adrian testing David’s soft spots and teasing whatever vulnerable point he had been hinted towards. It carried on like that for a while till, at least to him, the sun had come back up, and the lovely blue tint he always cherished each morning became a reminder that whatever had happened, whatever he had felt, was just a fleeting memory.
“Hey, you die up there, come one I’m leaving for work.”
David’s home was one of the newer housing developments that were made just as the housing market stabilized, which meant that homes were cheap and people were getting while the getting was good. All the lawns were well kept and lush with a very thick, rapidly growing grass that sometimes sprouted up in huge clumps that could trip you up if you dragged your toes. David’s house in particular was a standout; corner home, two story, a decent sized backyard, which was rare in these newer standardized cookie cutter land plots. The front had one already aged palm tree that seemed to lean out into the street to get a better look at whoever passed through.
“Have fun, just call me, mom, or dad when your going to head home, you can probably spend the night, I don’t think we’re doing anything tomorrow.”
“Thanks Iris.”
“Later.”
Adrian stepped out of the car and waved goodbye to his sister, walking up the little gravel path that had been added recently to the yard. He walked up to the door and tugged on the bottom of his shirt, trying to straighten it out before he went in. He knocked twice and rang the doorbell, waiting for someone to get the door. He could hear footsteps, very purposeful, hard footsteps coming down the stairs and across the wooden laminate floor, the solid tap of his shoe tips audible even through the thick wooden and glass door. David opened the door with a tired look on his face, it quickly disappeared when he saw Adrian’s expectant smile and wide arms.
“Addy, so you did come over, I thought you’d call.”
“You’re the one who invited.”
“Yeah but your usually running all over to everyone’s house I thought I’d be your stop at the end of the day.”
“I’m not the Ups guy.”
“You have the ass for their shorts though.”
“At least I have an ass.”
“Harsh, well come in, I GUESS I have to feed you or something.”
Adrian sat on one of the tall stools at the serving counter of the little Island style kitchen, David rummaged through the fridge for some quick heat food and a few Coke cans. Adrian watched him intently, kept track of every side glance and hesitant move in his direction.
“So yeah, whats up Addy?”
“Not much really, just, around.”
“Oh, really?”
“Not in that way, you know you’re the only one for me babe.”
“Pshh, that aint what I heard.”
“Lies, baby, that’s all that is.”
“hahah, whatever.”
Adrian stood up and followed Daniel up to the second floor, it had a loft near on the opposite side of the stairway end, a spacious little area with it’s own T.V., couch and mini carpet. Daniel plopped himself down onto the couch and opened the Coke, taking a sip and looking up at his friend still standing.
“you…wanna sit?”
“Kinda small sitting space.”
“I don’t mind you sitting here if that’s what your implying.”
Adrian smiled and sat, cracking open his own drink and drinking with a deep gulp. The two sat for a while just watching some cable edited version of a movie they both loved and said nothing. Adrian glanced over at David and noticed his right hand would occasionally flex and drag his fingers across his thigh, something he had noticed only a couple times before. He looked up at his face, and found himself caught in that same mire that he had felt time and time again. He took note of every feature, from his round yet always sad looking eyes that only brightened up when he smiled, to the crooked smile that always cracked its way across his face left to right. David didn’t notice his little observation and so he went on, watching each instinctual head toss splay the dark brown hair that hung down almost to his eyes. David turned and saw his thousand yard stare, a little surprised.
“Addy, you zone out?”
“Yeah…ahmm, just thinking, forgot where I was looking hah.”
“Weirdo.”
“I try.”
“too hard.”
“That’s what she said.”
“you child.”
David punched Adrian in the arm, Adrian pouting and hitting back with half the force. David looked at him with a smug look and began poking him in the ribs, holding his other hand back as he tried to defend himself. Adrian got free and lunged forward pushing him into the opposite couch arm and attacking his stomach, knowing it was one of his special spots. David began laughing uncontrollably, kicking his legs out and squirming underneath Adrian’s focused weight. He somehow got some leverage and pushed up, sending Adrian to the floor. He leapt down on top and began tickling his sides, making him laugh and giggle wildly. They both were wrapped in this fun for a few more moments before they both calmed and found themselves face to face, David still sitting on Adrian and Adrian pushing himself up on his elbows.
They both diverted their eyes, focusing on the other’s chest or shoulder or even mouth, but soon their eyes darted towards the others until eventually they were both locked in a second’s gaze.
Adrian didn’t wait, he lifted himself forward and kissed David lightly on the lips, a little peck to test the waters. He fell back on his back and breathed heavily, waiting. David then moved forward and put his hand underneath his chin, planting a long, deep kiss that made Adrian pull him closer on the floor. They held each other and traded kisses that grew longer and longer, trying to keep the other as close to them as they could. Adrian wasn’t himself, he felt his hand drift down along David’s chest and disappear into his beltline and jeans. David trembled from his touch and continued with his kisses, the two loosing themselves in another moment of collapsed defenses and welled up affection.
When David’s parents got home the two were sitting on the couch in the downstairs living room, laughing at the random stand up acts they had managed to find on T.V. David’s parents gave Adrian a ride home and David walked him to his door, saying goodbye and asking to hang out again soon.
Adrian smiled and nodded, hugging him and walking inside. His sister and Mother were home, both watching the same stand up acts he had been.
“Oh hey Mijo, did you have fun?”
“yeah Ama.”
“What’d you do?”
“Just, regular stuff, you know, hang around the house and whatever.”
“Well at least you went out.”
His sister cut in, “He’s always out.”
“Iris…”
“what, I’m not saying anything.”
His mother shook her head and smiled back at him.
“If your tired Mijo you can head to bed, I washed some of your clothes.”
“Thanks Ama.”
“See you tomorrow.”
“Night then.”
Adrian walked up the stairs and went into his room, closing the door behind him. He fell into his bed, the comforting solidity of it enveloping him. He laid on his side and looked at the rectangle of moonlight that had replaced it’s blazing brother. He stuck his hand out and felt a new kind of warmth, something so different to what he woke up to everyday, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.
Adrian decided he liked the off purple of the moonlit night better than the odd blue tint of sunshine. He rolled on his back, slid his jeans off and tugged one of the top sheets over him, tossing them off when he felt too confined. He looked up through the crooked blind that allowed the moonlight through and saw just a small slice of the moon, peering into his window to say goodnight.
Adrian curled up on his side and furrowed his brow. He got what he wanted, but why did he feel so… hollow. Why did he want David more than ever, yet forget the deep, soulsearching reasons he had given himself no more than a few days ago. He thought about it, till he felt his eyes get heavy, and let them fall shut.
David wondered the same thing from his own bedroom, only he didn’t drift off to sleep. He just stared at the door, wanting someone, anyone, to come in and explain to him when exactly did he change, and why did he feel so sick inside.
Why did he feel so hollow? Why did the thought of Adrian make him feel even more hollow?
Why did he feel so all alone?
