God is..

This is for a competition on What is god.
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God is...

I walked slowly, each step a mere inch. My breathe was executed in wheezing gasps, as my arms fumbled for any sort of support, a hand to lean on, but none were close enough.
I was not tired, or scared, or upset – just ill. For so long the poison shooting through my veins, the chemotherapy, had been chipping away at my bones, snatching the hair from my head, stealing the life from my, already too frail, body.
The doctor told me yesterday that my suffering was almost over.
He spoke so gravely, the words “We'll make you as comfortable as possible,” They are no consolation. I am fifteen. I don't want to die, but neither do I want to continue with this quality of life. I have been living with so much pain for so long.
I stepped forwards, clutching the silver cross that hung around my neck, asking it for strength.
I began believing in religion after my diagnosis, leukaemia. I realised how bad my chances of survival were and suddenly needed to know something other than darkness was waiting for me. More than believing in Christianity; I hoped that it was right. Heaven is much better than nothingness.
I forced another agonising step, my bones too weak to hold my own weight. The hospital physio stood in front of me, gesturing for me to come forwards, like teaching a young child to walk. Her cheery blue eyes, flowing blonde hair and supportive smile simply angered me more. Frustration, how can I be unable to do the most simple of tasks?
What is the point in me trying to stay fit? What use will this effort be after my few remaining days? I ask her this a lot, almost every time I come, and she always replies “there could be a miracle, you could survive this.” I roll my eyes and snort in pessimistic laughter.
I allowed myself another step, gritting my teeth. It was then that I gave up, collapsed back onto the bed. My few steps had barely moved me from my pillow.
Exhaustion. I was panting like a dog, my throat burning for oxygen. I was lifted back onto the hard hospital bed. An oxygen tube was fixed around my nose. The sheet was pulled over my limp body. Every time I try, I seem to fail; I tried to fight this, I even tried to walk. My body just keeps reminding me that I am ill, the new aches and pains that spring up daily keep forcing me to accept my condition. My fatal cancer.

I wrote this because it was the easiest way to explain what god is to me. He can not be proved as a creator, or a miracle maker. God means praying, wishing that someone is looking down, controlling your life. God is saying that everyone is going to be alright. God is hope.

Hey Mads,

Firstly I'd like to say although I think this was written well I really don't like it. It's too predictable and plays across lots of cliches. The whole idea of someone who gets leukemia turning to religion is a very used idea, and if I think you do use it you need to tell it in an original way.

I'll point out a few nitpicks but to be honest what I think would make this better is;

-Looking at things from a different angle, like pain for instance or God. At the moment you say "god is hope", that didn't strike me as anything new. I've heard that a lot before.

-She seems like a fairly pessimistic character, why is believing in hope? She's pessimistic! It goes against her sense of character.

-I would end this differently. Just a suggestion, but I would put;

...God is hope. And hope is the safety net we all use when everything else has burned to dust.

I don't mean in those words, but just bring back some of her character back in.

-There is no description of her pain here. Yeah your saying that see is out of breath and can't walk, but why? Expand!!! I've read that people with leukemia get throbbing in there bones. Do some reserach and add in some description.

I was not tired, or scared, or upset – just ill.

Surely she is tired, upset and scared. She seems it anyway.


Ah, darn it. It's like 10;30. Got to meet you in half an hour so I will finish this review later.



Izzy

Hey. My first review on new YWS. How exciting.

You'll hate me for this but I really don't have much to say about the text. I'd agree, maybe, that the idea is a little used. The other thing is that in a piece this short, its really hard to build a character, so its hard for the reader to empathise. What woudl be amazing is if you did have a strong sense of the character and their life. It would be an amazing context then for your statements about God.

Also, personally, I would be too scared to write about something like leukemia at all, but you have to research (or at least read My Sister's Keeper)

I do understand what you're doing though! God is neccessary as well as awesome.
keep up the good work

Hiya!

So, my big thing in this work is the lack of God. You mention him at the beginning, but after, we get nothing. You could weave in a lot of belief into her suffering, but instead it's just her suffering. I think that would help solve the pessemistic tone your MC gets to have.

Another thing that would help is making her less angsty about her injuries. I think you were going for an accepting tone, but that doesn't really come across. Right now it seems like your MC is caught in suspension between wanting to die and wanting to live. I suggest making her more accepting of death since she really has no option left.

I find you're putting in a bit too much description here. I find every time you start talking about the illness and what it's done to your MC's body, you're putting in two or three descriptions in either figurative language (metaphor and simile) or adjectives/adverbs. Just one well placed description can do well. I think the emphasis on the pain and suffering she's going through is another factor that's making her sound pessimistic.

PM me with questions, and happy editing!

~Rosey

Okay, first I will say that I lied this, as it explains what God is, why you believe in him (Even if you don't have leukaemia) and it has a basic plot that explains everything along the way. What I don't like about this is the fact that the character believes in hope, believes in God, but doesn't want to keep on trying. This kind of annoyed me, and so there are a few points off for that. Good luck... I'll post results soon!