My Garden

This will probably be my last lyric for awhile. I have now finally posted all the lyrics I've written to date
Note: ( ) = Echo
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Come here,
Let me tell you a secret
It’s my only big secret
Come here, come here, come closer
(It’s my garden)

Come into my garden,
And look at the flowers
They wash away teardrops,
Faster then water
Just wish in the wishing well,
And pray they’ll be fine
It’s a magical garden
It’s where you will find,

There are fairies,
Sweet fairies, fluttering around
They give kisses,
That will heal your spirit
It’s my garden
My magical garden

Come into my garden,
And look at the flowers
They wash away teardrops,
Faster then water
Just wish in the wishing well,
And pray they’ll be fine
It’s a magical garden
It’s where you will find,

A prince with his princess,
A magical tree,
A field for the lovers,
A mage for the needy,
Just ask and whatever you,
Want will be found
It’s my garden
A magical garden

Come into my garden,
And look at the flowers
They wash away teardrops,
Faster then water
Just wish in the wishing well,
And pray they’ll be fine
It’s a magical garden
It’s where you will find,

The sick and the needy,
The poor and the lost,
Come into my garden
Pray ever so soft
For the angels will hear you,
The fairies will come,
And wash away sadness,
And misery too
They love all the children
They’ll do nothing but help you

Come into my garden,
And look at the flowers
They wash away teardrops,
Faster then water
Just wish in the wishing well,
And pray they’ll be fine
It’s a magical garden
It’s where you will find,

Come here,
Let me tell you a secret
It’s my only big secret
Come here, come here, come closer
It’s my garden

This is beautiful!

But I have one comment.
The ryhme scheme seems a bit funky, or off beat haha.
Maybe it's just me? :p

Overall I really liked this.
It's also the first different idea on the YWS that I've seen.

Very clever! Great job. Keep it up.

I will tell you one thing for sure this would make a very good bed time song that you could sing to the young kids. I also agree with missjuliesings5 that the ryhme seems strange a little bit. But as I said this is a sweet and a cute little song for little children that you could sing before bed time or in a church school play.

Hey Tnme! You posted in my WRFF thread, and here I am, if not a bit late.

First off, I'd like to say that I agree with lordgluzman – this indeed could remind of a lullaby. The subject isn't boring, but it's something that would be easy and mellow to fall asleep to. Then it could also be a light pop song, maybe more on the ballady side. I read this out loud with sort of singing it with a random tune, which sounds ridiculous, but actually helps me focus on the song better, and kind of imagine how it would possibly sound like with a melody.

I like how you had the C part both in the beginning and in the end. The chorus (the B part) was repeated, however, a bit too often for my taste. I would suggest either CABAABABC or CBAABAABC instead of CBABABABC, which you have now. Any chorus gets redundant after having to hear it too often.

There were some rhythm issues in the song in my opinion. For example, with the chorus, the wishing well line is too long for the rest of stanza, and it makes it sound unfinished. Generally I liked the chorus best in the song. (Although you did say "then", when it's supposed to be "than.")

tnme22 wrote:A prince with his princess,
A magical tree,
A field for the lovers,
A mage for the needy,
Just ask and whatever you,
Want will be found
It’s my garden
A magical garden

This stanza I had the most problems with. The last four lines or so sound off, so better check the rhythm before doing anything else. Also, I couldn't help feeling that it was slipping too more on the syrupy side in this stanza. It's perfect if it's meant to be a lullaby/a song for kids, but right now it's just a bit... bleh, if you know what I mean.

All in all, this was a nice piece of lyrics. I don't know if it's something I would particularly enjoy listening to, at least daily, but there's no doubt of that many people would. Also, I think this is something that gives you a sort of warm and safe feeling inside, especially if there was a fitting melody along.

Have a nice day!


Demeter
x

This was very pretty. It sort of reminds me of Yeats' poetry a little bit. I agree that some of the rhyme scheme seems a bit off along with the rhythm in a few lines.
I can imagine how it would build with the lines that start with "the sick and the needy" and how it may crescendo into the next chorus. That would be really cool.
My last critique thing would be the fact that it switches back and forth between talking about angels and praying with faeries and magical things. I liked it though, the whole tone around it felt really nice and relaxing.