Untitled poem...

I know this isn't nearly as good as some that I have read on this website, but I've been told it's good, so here it is:

Purples and blues of twilight arise
Kissing the world good-night
Out with the sunset, the audible sound
Of sighs of relief fill the air.
With millions of minds floating up to the heavens
Each man takes a calming deep breath
Problems disperse like erased pencil lines
But shall rise again with the next sun.
Logic is useless in this darkened world
With illusions and abstract design
Thinking becomes unthinkable
And worries now cease to exist.
The moment the mind becomes numb to the world
The omnipresent force dissipates:
That burning stench of life’s permanent marker
Scribbling through the pages.




By the way, if anyone can think of a good title for this, it would be appreciated.

Hi there. I'm Hawkie and I'll be reviewing you today. ^_^

I like how, even though you don't rhyme, your central rhythm holds the poem together. Good job.

Purples and blues of twilight arise

Kissing the world good-night

I like this image. *hands cookie*

Out with the sunset, the audible sound

Of sighs of relief fill the air.

The line break is in a rather odd place here.

Problems disperse like erased pencil lines

Pencil lines don't really "disperse," so this isn't the best metaphor. ^_^

I had a little trouble understanding this. What's it about, exactly? The aftermath of a battle? Or something else? I see that you're getting at something big and important, but I don't really see what that thing is. You could take some more time just describing the situation and the message instead of filling up your lines with metaphors. Metaphors are great, just remember, they need to compare something to something, and if we don't know what both somethings are, they don't serve much purpose.

Overall, though, I enjoyed reading your poem. ^_^ Keep writing!

-Hawks-

First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm Snoink. I also happen to be considered one of the tougher critics to please on YWS, but enough with that!

So basically, what I am going to do is go line-by-line and point out what I liked and such.

Purples and blues of twilight arise <-- First of all, I love it when people use colors in their poems. It just adds so much flavor to the poem, and I really like it. I also like the word "arise" because it implies that the purples and blues are coming out of the earth. Usually, they fall from the sky, but it uses the opposite imagery here and that's pretty neat.

Kissing the world good-night <-- Yay for personification!

Out with the sunset, the audible sound <-- Nitpick here: audible sound is kind of redundant. Plus, "out with the sunset" sounds a bit confusing... what are you trying to say here?

Of sighs of relief fill the air. <-- I really like the word "sighs" here, especially since they seem so disembodied that it's almost like the earth is sighing. And yeah, I'm weird like that. However, I think it spoils the effect a little since you say, "of relief" if only because it seems like you're limiting it. Which you are, of course, but I would like it a little more up-to-me-to-decide, if that makes sense.

With millions of minds floating up to the heavens <-- Hm? This is a bit too abstract, I think, if only because you haven't mentioned what kind of minds are floating up and why. You haven't exactly named anybody in your poem, besides the colors, so it's a bit odd that you were so disembodied before and now you're so exact.

Each man takes a calming deep breath <-- The words "calming deep" sound really weird here, and I think you may be using too many words. Besides, my inner editor is tweaking out... you can say "each man breathes" instead of what you say here. And then, with the words you say, you can describe how the men's bodies relax.

Problems disperse like erased pencil lines <-- So yeah, I still think that you should describe how the men's bodies are relaxing. That way, you can avoid having to describe the problems that you mention here and just leave it up to the reader to decide what ails the men. As it is, since you mentioned the word "problems" that implies that you'll talk about it, which is obviously not so. The thing is, poetry is kind of like story-writing in that you emphasize the conflict and drive the story forward with a relentless pursuit of the conflict. Just replace "poem" with "story" and you got it. Plus, you're bringing forward the image of pencil lines, which is a bit odd. I realize that you are a writer, so writing about pencil lines make sense, but you're talking about twilight and talking about writing with twilight is weird since you can't actually write when there is twilight, which makes it strange that the image of writing has come up.

But shall rise again with the next sun. <-- Again, this is a bit odd because we're not sure what "problems" have dispersed, so this doesn't really give us neat imagery.

Logic is useless in this darkened world <-- This seems like it belongs to an entirely different poem. And I realize that you're talking about twilight as far as the darkened world, but it's odd that you bring it up this way, if only because you've given no background as to why logic could ever be useless in twilight.

With illusions and abstract design <-- Now you are starting to use abstract words which don't hold any meaning to the reader, especially in regards of the subjects you've brought up. And the wording is such that I'm not sure whether you are talking about "logic" or "this darkened world." In either case, I think that instead of using the word, "illusion," you should describe what illusion this is and instead of using the words "abstract design" you should just cut that out and pretend that you didn't write that. Those are two very abstract words that don't really hold any meaning. Poetry is all about precision and using the language to describe precisely what you want in a way that delights the tongue and ear. Don't bog it down with muddled imagery.

Thinking becomes unthinkable
And worries now cease to exist. <-- This chain of thought seems weird. Worries can exist without someone actively thinking about it.

The moment the mind becomes numb to the world
The omnipresent force dissipates: <-- You're getting too preachy here... it looks like you've given up trying to show us something and would rather just rant about your message.

That burning stench of life’s permanent marker
Scribbling through the pages. <-- I like this image, but for the same reason about the pencil thing, I think it doesn't really fit in the poem.

Anyway!

I really like the imagery of twilight that you portrayed, especially in the beginning. You expressed yourself elegantly and painted pictures that were very pretty to see and hooked me. The beginning, especially, reminded me of this poem ("Disilusionment of Ten O'clock"), by Wallace Stevens:

The houses are haunted
By white night-gowns.
None are green,
Or purple with green rings,
Or green with yellow rings,
Or yellow with blue rings.
None of them are strange,
With socks of lace
And beaded ceintures.
People are not going
To dream of baboons and periwinkles.
Only, here and there, an old sailor,
Drunk and asleep in his boots,
Catches tigers
In red weather.

...which is totally a good thing because I adore that poem. ^_^

The main thing you have to work on is combining your ideas and imagery that you combine with your beginning into the rest of your poem. So basically, I would really like it if you could describe your main point (which, I assume, is that people lose their minds at night) and express this point using twilight as a metaphor. That way, you don't have to explicitly say anything... you can just let your imagery do the talking.

As far as possible titles? Um...

"Purple Runs Along the Sky"

"Twilight"

"A Collective Sigh"

"A Kiss for the World"

"A Man Collapses"

I dunno. Those are pretty catchy though.

Anyway, I hope this review helps! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Purples and blues of twilight arise
Kissing the world good-night I like this part *love good imagery*
Out with the sunset, the audible sound
Of sighs of relief fill the air. The two ofs sound a little off here. And so does the rhythm.
With millions of minds floating up to the heavens
Each man takes a calming deep breath
Problems disperse like erased pencil lines agreed with hawkie, pencil lines don't disperse. I'd used a different image.
But shall rise again with the next sun. i dont know whether the word rise is a good atonym for disperse. Maybe return or some variation?
Logic is useless in this darkened world
With illusions and abstract design I love this line, i just do.
Thinking becomes unthinkable and this one
And worries now cease to exist. this is a bit like the problems dispersing, same idea?
The moment the mind becomes numb to the world
The omnipresent force dissipates:
That burning stench of life’s permanent marker
Scribbling through the pages. i don't see how the last two lines fit into the rest?

Overall i liked it but it felt like you were trying to cram in as many metaphors as possible without thinking whether they really worked. but apart from that i really enjoyed it! Nice one!

Aqua X

Thanks so much, everyone! I got a little lazy on the last part, so I think I'll probably rewrite the whole second half.