Too late for Earth

We crossed a line,

and although fine,

it was defined,

and the chill felt deep in my spine.



That time has come and is gone,

the threads entwined are woven long,

hear the chimes of the gong,

and the lies in our song.



That fine line was crossed

at the highest of costs,

opportunities tossed,

The battle is lost.



I find myself,

on the edge of a shelf,

predestined to see how it melts.

None will live to remember how it felt.



We place an apple on our head,

string the bow with the thread,

We battle, screaming "eat lead!"

Shoot the arrow, we'll all be dead.

Hello. ^_^ It's Hawkie. Glad to be the first reviewer.

and the chill felt throughout my spine.

The last line is way too long in my opinion.

hear the chimes of the gong,

Gongs don't really chime. ^_^ They make a low, vibrant sound.

We battle, screaming "eat lead!"

Should be "Eat lead!", capitalized.

Your capitalization is inconsistent throughout the poem. Most of the time, in poetry, you capitalize the first letter of each line. Some poems change this and only capitalize the first letter of a proper sentence, or have no capitalization at all. You need to pick one rule and stick with it.

Overall, I thought this poem had a unique voice and theme, but I think you could work on flow and clarity. Some parts were a bit hard to understand. What's the "line" you're talking about in the first stanza? What does the shelf symbolize, and why is it melting?

I really liked the ending ("shoot the arrow, we'll all be dead.") It was conclusive and kinda creepy.

Nice job and keep writing!

-Hawks-

I thought this piece was good
But in the beginning I wasn't certain what it was that you were talking about.

'We crossed a line'

If your talking about a war, wouldn't you say 'the' line, instead of 'a' line?

'That time has come and is long gone,

the threads entwined are woven long'

Long was used too frequently here, try changing it up so it flowes better.

hear the chimes of the gong,

and the lies in our song.

It would sound much better if you used ringing, instead of chimes. I don't think Gongs chime..

That fine line was crossed

at the highest of costs

Are you refering to the line in the beggining? If so, try to make that more clear for the reader.
There are a few other things i would touch up on, but I hope this helps.
Overall, it has a lot of potential, and keep up the good work.

-marshmellow-warrior-

Hi Alec!

I saw this poem and I figured I would review it. Normally, I'm considered one of the tougher critics in YWS, but I do want to help you, so if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be happy to answer!

First of all, this poem seems to be a bit too forced as far as rhyming goes. For instance:

We crossed a line,
and although fine,
it was defined,
and the chill felt throughout my spine.

If I say this out loud, I find myself tripping over words. This is because there is no metering. Not only do you have to worry about rhyming, but you also have to realize that there is a sort of lyrical pattern that is within poetry. Poetry should not be lopsided, especially if you would like to rhyme.

Here is what Poe had to say about it: NOTES UPON ENGLISH VERSE

I'm not as elegant as he is, nor will I ever be, but the general gist from that article is that writing poetry is more than looking at rhymes. It is about having the words dance off your tongue when you read it out loud, especially for metered poetry as you have written.

Right now, your words don't dance... they just fall off. There are several images that it looks like you just stuck in, just so you can continue your rhyme, when really, they add nothing overall to the poem. So look at your metering very carefully. The idea behind your poem is solid and I especially like the images you used for the first verse. It just needs to be smoothed out.

Good luck with editing!