Ten Seconds

One Mississippi…
Two Mississippi…
Three Mississippi…
I stand on the edge of the sidewalk, a clear view of the car ridden street. Brake lights cast red streaks onto a blank, black slate. Each streak hypnotizes me into a dream-like state that easily claims me as its dreamer.
Beep. Beep.
I continue to watch the passing cars before feeling a strong urge to move on. This same urge overpowers me and I step away from the edge. I have two choices available to me. Should I turn left onto a darkened trail? Or should I turn right onto a luminescent path?
Four Mississippi…
Five Mississippi…
Six Mississippi…
I walk towards the light and adrenaline courses through my veins. A mixture of fear and excitement washes over me. Yellow, orange, and white lead the way to a beautiful scene. A community gathered together in a small park, enjoying a movie on the freshly cut lawn. I take a deep breath, taking in the smell of the green grass. I sit down slowly, away from the crowd. I’m not interested in the film being shown. I am interested in the world. I press my hands on the grass feeling the smooth texture. I pluck a blade and bring it to my nose. A deep breath and I’m instantly intoxicated. I examine the blade, making sure to remember every detail about this form of nature. Who knew when I would be able to scrutinize another blade of freshly cut grass again? I look around once more before making the decision to move on. The word “where” came to mind. Where? Where to next? What place deserved to be explored next? The answer: every place on this green earth.
Seven Mississippi…
Eight Mississippi…
Nine Mississippi…
Squeals erupt as thunder booms and clouds threaten to open up their hearts filled with sadness. I watch as children run in terror, hoping to escape the monster that ruined their family night. Some adults try to shield their children from the monster, a form of protection. While others are frantic in finding them so they can escape. Children pound on the car doors, screaming for them to be opened. One child falls, while their parent screams in horror. A parent falls, with his child in his arms. The little girl screams for her father but he does not respond. I turn around hoping to escape this painful scene.
Ka-Boom.
I fall as the clouds open up and rain starts to fall. I lie on my back as I stare up at the sky. Rain continuously hits my body and I do not have the strength to move. I feel weaker as the time passes. I can still hear the screams echoing in my ears. Each exploration that I have taken resurfaces and becomes very fresh. I experience each trip all over again in preparation for what is to happen next. In this case, 'what' being the last breath that I will ever take.
Ten Mississippi...

The writing's pretty solid, but I don't understand exactly what happened to her at the end.

I have to agree with the previous review. At first when you mentioned a monster, I thought maybe it was Godzilla or something, but it sounds more like a bomb detonation or something but it's really not clear.

Beyond that, the imagery is very good. You paint a very vivid picture. The countdown also adds an interesting effect. If you want to add a feeling of urgency, you could count down from 10 to 1 instead of 1 to 10. Just a suggestion.

This story definitely has potential. With a little expansion and polishing it would make an excellent short story.

I tend to agree with those above me, i mean, some of the ideas are actually pretty good, but the overall idea of the story is vague and confusing. Plus, the counting seems strange because we don't know what is counting or what the counting is in reference too.

I think because it so short and nothing really happens, it needs to be clearer in terms of what will happen or what may happen. I just think that you will need to clear up a few of the ideas the reader may get; i.e the monster. That reference was, well from my standpoint, a throw-away comment because there doesn't seem to be any monster.

It seems to be going along the lines of crime fiction, am i right?

Anyway keep plugging along, it could turn out really well.

By the way! The no vote is me, just because I really can't stand those kind of polls, so I'll vote no regardless, even if I like the story. Which I suppose makes me evil but... >.>

Anyway, let's move on to your story, shall we? Basically, what I'll do to critique your story, since it's so short, is go through it briefly and comment on it as I go along. Which hopefully will help. If I confuse you in any way, shape, or form, feel free to bug me! Because, let's face it. It's 2:30am and my brain can get a little fuzzy at this time.

Anyway! Your story!

One Mississippi…

Two Mississippi…

Three Mississippi…

The first question that comes up in my mind, when I read this is, "Why is somebody counting off seconds? Now, I guess that you can say, "Oh, there's thunder and she wants to see how far the lightning strike is!" Which makes sense. But I have a funny feeling that's not the reason why she's counting and, furthermore, I read this story and I still don't know. She sounds insane, I suppose, and that might be enough explanation, but I'm more interested in seeing why people go insane rather than what happens, which is essentially what this story is about

I stand on the edge of the sidewalk, a clear view of the car ridden street. Brake lights cast red streaks onto a blank, black slate. Each streak hypnotizes me into a dream-like state that easily claims me as its dreamer.

If you're saying that you're in a dream-like state, it already implies that you are a dreamer.

Beep. Beep.

I would probably get rid of this... it's unnecessary and it feels a bit cheesy.

I continue to watch the passing cars before feeling a strong urge to move on. This same urge overpowers me and I step away from the edge.

You can easily say this:

I watch the passing cars before feeling a strong urge to move on. I step away from the edge.

It's pithier and less confusing. As it is, there are too many "urge" words in there.

I have two choices available to me. Should I turn left onto a darkened trail? Or should I turn right onto a luminescent path?

Only two? And she is insane. Those choices seem highly unrealistic. To make it sound more realistic, you should describe exactly what these paths look like. By luminescent, does this mean that it's some sort of tube with lights on it? Or perhaps she is in Las Vegas (though that wouldn't describe the grass and the park)? In any case, you should describe. As she is insane, you have to bring it down to a level we understand, so the more you can describe, the better off you'll be.

Four Mississippi…

Five Mississippi…

Six Mississippi

Again, why?

I walk towards the light and adrenaline courses through my veins. A mixture of fear and excitement washes over me. Yellow, orange, and white lead the way to a beautiful scene. A community gathered together in a small park, enjoying a movie on the freshly cut lawn. I take a deep breath, taking in the smell of the green grass. I sit down slowly, away from the crowd. I’m not interested in the film being shown. I am interested in the world. I press my hands on the grass feeling the smooth texture. I pluck a blade and bring it to my nose. A deep breath and I’m instantly intoxicated. I examine the blade, making sure to remember every detail about this form of nature. Who knew when I would be able to scrutinize another blade of freshly cut grass again? I look around once more before making the decision to move on. The word “where” came to mind. Where? Where to next? What place deserved to be explored next? The answer: every place on this green earth.

A movie? They're in sunlight in the park and they are watching... a movie? That sort of defies a couple of laws right there, eh? Anyway, it doesn't make sense.

Seven Mississippi…

Eight Mississippi…

Nine Mississippi…

Well, at least there's thunder coming up.

Squeals erupt as thunder booms and clouds threaten to open up their hearts filled with sadness. I watch as children run in terror, hoping to escape the monster that ruined their family night. Some adults try to shield their children from the monster, a form of protection. While others are frantic in finding them so they can escape. Children pound on the car doors, screaming for them to be opened. One child falls, while their parent screams in horror. A parent falls, with his child in his arms. The little girl screams for her father but he does not respond. I turn around hoping to escape this painful scene.

This part makes my brain hurt. I am not sure why there would be this much panic over a thunderstorm, nor do I see how clouds can "open their hearts filled with sadness." Maybe if there was a tornado involved. Maybe. But as there isn't any, I have no idea why everybody is having such a fuss.

Ka-Boom.

Again, this seems unnecessary and a bit cheesy.

I fall as the clouds open up and rain starts to fall. I lie on my back as I stare up at the sky. Rain continuously hits my body and I do not have the strength to move. I feel weaker as the time passes. I can still hear the screams echoing in my ears. Each exploration that I have taken resurfaces and becomes very fresh. I experience each trip all over again in preparation for what is to happen next. In this case, 'what' being the last breath that I will ever take.

The last sentence is clumsy and awkward. You should incorporate it in the narrative more. And, if her plan is getting struck by lightning, then she ought to stand up. Or climb a tree. Or something. As she is, she isn't good lightning bait.

Ten Mississippi...

If you had explained the reason why you repeated this, this would have been a great ending.

Anyway... a couple suggestions!

--> My dad is obsessed with the weather. Like, to a scary degree. When we're away from him and he calls us up, the first thing that he will tell us is the weather at the place we're at. No, really. He'll say, "So it's 70 degrees in Blah-Blah now." And we'll look at him like he's crazy. As you can probably imagine, he loves watching the weather. In any case, you should probably do the same. Your ideas about the weather seem strange and they don't quite make sense. I realize you're going for an artistic effect, which I like, but when you write stuff that doesn't make sense, it'll make people stop and wonder what you mean instead of appreciating the effort that you put into your story. So put in the effort and make sure what you write makes sense. It'll be that much better.

--> Remember that a man is not an island. I find it weird that she's so detached from anyone. I mean, of course, she would ignore everyone, but I find it curious that nobody pays any attention to her or displays any interest in her.

--> Why is more important than how, especially when writing stories. When you write "how" stories, you'll typically deal with describing things. When you deal with "why" stories, you explore your characters' humanity. And really, that's more interesting.

--> Repetition is only good if we understand you. Hint on the possible meanings of your words. And reveal it in the end, at least. It's important, really.

Anyway, I'm really rusty in writing reviews, so this review probably makes no sense. However, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to go into depth.

You are very good at writing and I completley understand the whole thing, Keep writing like this because there is some people who won't understand But the only thing you should keep in mind when you write is the good reveiws^^