Thorn's Roses

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Elinor
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Tue Jul 21, 2009 12:57 am
Elinor says... · Tue Jul 21, 2009 12:57 am
The Thorn, the Branch, the Rose, the Bush
These are all the components of Rose.
Beautiful beyond the world, but
They hide and poke.
They slide and choke.

Beautiful as is,
A Thorn will always hurt.
A Rose, beautiful as is, without the pain.
Without the hurt.

Beauty lies from within.
So Chose the Rose,
And not the Thorn.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.
-- Walt Disney
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ThisIsAUserName
Gender Male
Points 1068
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Tue Jul 21, 2009 2:43 am
ThisIsAUserName says... · Tue Jul 21, 2009 2:43 am
I'm really no good at reviewing poetry...so bear with me...

The Thorn, the Branch, the Rose, the Bush
These are all the components of Rose.
Beautiful beyond the world, but
They hide and poke.
They slide and choke.


I love the way this sounds, but it seems as though you're saying all components of the Rose, including the Branch and the Bush hide, poke, slide and choke. Is that what you're intending? Also, are the components capitalized for a reason?

Beautiful as is,
A Thorn will always hurt.
A Rose, beautiful as is, without the pain.
Without the hurt.


Sounds very pretty, but "A thorn will always hurt" is a complete, concise thought. However, the phrase "A Rose...without the pain" and the phrase "Without the hurt" are both incomplete sentences. Perhaps something like "A rose, beautiful as is, is without pain, without the hurt."

Beauty lies from within.
So Chose the Rose,
And not the Thorn.
[/quote]

The first two lines here are great, but I thought the ending was dull compared to them. I completely understand what you're saying here, (which is, undoubtedly, good) but "And not the thorn" just sounds very obvious. I'm sorry I can't really offer good suggestions.....but it seems like you're giving free will to both objects. The Rose obviously Chose beauty for a reason, but why would the Thorn want to cause pain? Or maybe...the Thorn didn't choose that but it kind of got stuck with it?

At any rate, this is far above decent, even if one disregards the fact that this is your "first attempt" at poetry. :] I think it could use some more substance, to be cliched, as in maybe using more interesting vocabulary or simply making it longer. The "Rose" and the "Thorn" have been used as objects of symbolism in different ways.....you should make it clear what way you're using them.

I hope that helped at least a tiny bit.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed by that which it was nourished by.
(Exerpt from Shakespearean Sonnet Number 73)
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