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Thanks for reading ^^

Shina! This was really good! However, I do have just a few nitpicks. I hope you don't mind.

They felt like crashing waves against our bodies.

I'm just not so sure about this sentence. How do you know what the other people are feeling? It does make a little sense, but I'm just not so crazy about it.

They cared for me and loved me each day the way the sun would make a little seed bloom into a flower. Day by day, they spent their time to pour water on my roots, to support me so I could stand tall.

I love this metaphor. It's very cute and gives me a wonderful image of the type of love shared in this family.

Four stockings draped the fireplace, which held kindling burning a blazing orange our housekeeper had prepared for us that Christmas morning.

Hmm... Perhaps this sentence could be changed a bit? It just doesn't seem to flow for me. Maybe "Four stockings draped the fireplace where kindling burned a blazing orange..."

I stood their, silently, as they slowly and softly healed my broken heart.

"Their" should be "there".

Overall: I love how the story is going and I'm very eager to learn more. However, I think we could know a bit more about Kaydence. But your description is wonderful and I could just imagine being in the rain or even in the Christmas room. You are a wonderful writer, Shina, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Smiles!
~Mira

Thanks for catching those Mira xD I'm not such a good editor. That's why June does it @_@ Well, I'm a bad self editor, which everyone is xD

mira wrote:I think we could know a bit more about Kaydence.

Kaydence doesn't get mentioned much until the next chapter. She's not really important to the story just yet. This chapter was for Jade's background.

Very nice. I really felt for the Character. I too, have some nitpicks, though.

Preface:

The bright light of day began to fade and time appeared to become quick.

Since you use "quicken" soon in the story, I would suggest: "...and time appeared to speed by." or something.

The frigid raindrops that hit our bare heads seemed to quicken its pace.

Um..."bare heads" makes me think that you are bald. I'm not really sure how you could change that, though.

They were all looking up to me and were depending on my faithful decision since

You don't need to use a helping verb twice for one subject, in this case, so I would say: "They were all looking up to me, depending on my faithful..."

Chapter 1

I tried to hold back my tears, but I could no longer enslave them within me.

nice
I would delet the second, "I," though.

My beloved parents most people knew as the musical prodigies Elaine and Cari were the most wonderful people I knew.

I had to read this a few times. It doesn't flow well for me. Perhaps: "My beloved parents, known to most as the musical prodigies Elaine and Cari, were..." I don't know. You can fiddle with it.

The basics of life were taught to me from my parents; walking, talking, and so on.

It should be "...were taught to my by my parents" and the semicolon needs to be a colon.

and my little sister Kaydence

My friend loves that name. If he ever has a daughter, he wants to name her Kaydence. Anyway....

one specific memory I cherish most.

Perhaps a colon after this?

that my sister and I were attracted to the unique sounds the instruments would make like magnets.

I would say: "that my sister and I were attracted like magnets to the unique..."

The drums were sturdy like the thick oak tree in our front yard.

nice

It could also be gloomy and depressing

so can the flute. any insrument that can play a minor melody makes me all gloomy, as much as I love minor.

Four stockings draped the fireplace, which held kindling burning a blazing orange our housekeeper had prepared for us that Christmas morning.

This sentence is just awkward for me. At first, I thought that the stockings held kindling. See if yopu can rearrange it a bit.

I rushed to open it while Kaydence was playing with her new lion doll.

I would say "...as Kaydence played..."

Merry Christmas honey.

Merry Christmas, honey.

After Kaydence and I finished opening our presents our maid , Ms. Evans, told us terrible news; the only possible thing that could ruin such a fine day. Our parents had been killed at the concert.

This is a little flat for me. I didn't feel anything when I read this. Try to add more emothion. You do so wonderfullly afterwords, but I had to read it twice before I got the point that there parents had been killed. Maybe it's just me.

true if they weren’t there to live them up.

um..."live up to them?"

and screamed my parents’ names into the empty air. No answer.

very effective

I tried to hold back the childish tears that fell from my eyes, but they ran down my face like the rain ran down on my head.

Jade! Those tears are NOT childish! I would say: "but they ran down my face as did the rain." You already said that rain runs down on your head. It gets slightly repetitive.

I stood there, silently, as they slowly and softly healed my broken heart.

I wish rain could wash away all of my troubles.

Other than that, great work! It was very enjoyable. Let me know when you post more.

-Sea-

Searria H. wrote:

It could also be gloomy and depressing

so can the flute. any insrument that can play a minor melody makes me all gloomy, as much as I love minor.

Of course other instruments can make depressing, gloomy sounds. But the piano is Jade's instrument, therefore she needs to show special interest in it ^^

Thanks for catching those, Searria! xD You have no idea how helpful that was. Self-editing your own work is not a fun, easy, or possible thing to do =_=

Searria H. wrote:Other than that, great work! It was very enjoyable. Let me know when you post more.

Thanks for reading it, and I hope you liked it. This is all I'm posting on YWS, though. Hopefully the next time you see this will be on the shelf of a bookstore xD After much editing, of course

-Shina

No problem. I know how that is. I'm a cellist, myself, so I think the cello can do pretty much anything. *smiles proudly*

What??????? Why? Fine. I'll just wait for the whole book. Well, when you post anything else, let me know.

-Sea-

Hey Shina! How's It Going! Gonna Do A Review!

angels-symphony wrote:Preface
The bright light of day began to fade and time appeared to become quick.

Hmm. Your phrasing is kind of confusing in the first part. I'm not sure I understand what is trying to be said.

angels-symphony wrote:It seemed as though we had been running for days and our feet would soon be giving in to the aching pain that consumed us.

Why are they running? You're a little vague. Try to describe more.

angels-symphony wrote:I’m not sure if it was because of the sudden rush we were all clearly feeling, or if it was simply an illusion of the mind. I wasn't sure what was real and what was fake. The line between reality and fantasy blurred during that heart-pounding moment.

Okay I really love your description here. It's pretty awesome xD. Way to go. But What I don't have is a set plot. Why are these people running?

angels-symphony wrote:All I knew was that I had to keep running. Stopping was no option here. Suspending our mission meant failure, and failure here meant death.

This is good....just expand upon it a little more.

angels-symphony wrote:They were all looking up to me, depending on my faithful decision since our true leader had been captured. The one time they look to me as their guidance I will prove that I am no longer weak. I have become strong for all of us, so I will move forward for them. Their undying love, hope, and faith is what propels me to carry out this fatal task. All of our destinies are in my unsure, but capable hands.
I will not give up. No matter how terrified I am inside.

Great, Great, Great! Your really awesome. The only thing I have is some inconsisteny in the tenses. For Example, If you go to the second pararaph in the bottom. Your first sentnce Is in present, and your second is in past. Pick a tense and stay with that. Other than that, awesome . Sorry, But I have to go I'll review Chapter 1 tommorow

ThornedRose wrote:Why are they running? You're a little vague. Try to describe more.

The preface is meant to be vague xD This is a preview of what's up ahead, so it captures the conflict.

Pick a tense and stay with that.

xD Once again, this was on purpose. So for anyone else who reviews, take note of that

Thanks Rose ^^

Hey Angels.

Suspending our mission meant failure, and failure here meant death.

I quite like how you've used the rain to establish a depressing yet urgent sort of mood. It fits along with this powerful line nicely. In just a hundred plus words, I got a picture of a traumatized, yet determined girl, madly dashing through the wilderness along with her party in search of their desires. It really made me want to know why they are going on such a mission.

The rich sound of a baby grand piano appealed to me most. Its simple harmony would still the days that seemed to pass by too fast, and it made the agonizing pain of menacing wounds heal.

Just curious, but is that what she thinks, or is that what her Papa thinks? If that is actually what she thinks, then it could be a good starting point for further characterization. When I saw that bit, I thought that she really desperately wants to relive those days, because music has shown her a world of many riches and wonders; it gave her hope and colour to an otherwise ordinary life. But none of that desire is shown here. I'll explain why that is in my "overall" part of the review.

Our parents had been killed at the concert. Thinking only of me, she spared the details.

Though Ms. Evans’ had a genuine, grave expression on her face, my little heart could not handle nor believe such an immoral thing. After everything they had promised me, this was how they betrayed me? None of their words could possibly be true if they weren’t there to live them up. My heart ached from anger and distrust. I lifted myself to my feet and just ran. Running, of course, was of no use here. I couldn’t escape the truth. The truth is something inevitable. It’s a thing you can never deny nor hide.

Hrmm I dunno. When Ms. Evans' told her that, it doesn't seem that fully realized. I'm pretty sure that others would be affected by it, yet the narrator doesn't really show us that. Anger and distrust are interesting sort of emotions for a such a situation, but I don't really see where that could be coming from. Also, the actions that follow after this isn't really that effective (seems kind of forced). It would have been more feasible if she ran out into the rain due to a relationship break up...but not for something like this. I mean the narrator did love them right so I would assume that she would be devastated and so would many others.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm I like it overall. It's quite well written (possibly why it took me several rereads of this before I saw the flaws in the piece) and has quite a natural and human feel to it that in a sense, helps validates the mission that was stated in the preface. However, I cannot say that this piece is good because the flaws in the piece detract to what would have been an emotional piece.

Your preface works very well in making the reader want to know more (as stated above) so I won't be touching that. I'll be talking about chapter 1 however.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I thought your narrator seemed a bit sheep-ish. By that, I mean that she doesn't seem to have her own individual thoughts and emotions in the piece. She focuses too much on other's actions, though the way that she narrates seem to hide this fact quite well. For example, what was her attitude, thoughts and feelings about being taught music? What does SHE think about the instruments themselves? What does she think about her lifestyle and of other family members? What was she like on Christmas morning etc etc.

Her narration seems to be too dependant on the parents in my opinion. She doesn't really seem to have that drive, that passion in her. Your preface however has that element to it so that why it worked so well. I think this was also the reason why I felt the narration seems a bit bland at times.

It could be also why I didn't find her reaction to her caregivers' deaths to be all that compelling. Also, that bit could have had more emotional weight if you have included how others have been affected by the incident and how they are reacting (eg: media press). At the moment, it seems like no one really cares which really does negate some of the power of the narrator and what's established in the preface.

But I really do think this piece will shine with some judicious editing and with more realization of the character and of her care-giver's death. It's half way there. Aim to focus more on why she loved music and her parents and how devastated she was when they were killed during a concert.

I hope this helped. Good luck.

Andy.

Mr. Andy, you have brought reviewing to a whole no level I will have to take these things to account, or wait for my editors to fix it xD

Ms. Shina, now I can't review it! =P

Hey, Shina! I'm going to Chapter 1 now, like I promised.

angels-symphony wrote:All I can remember of my days in early childhood were the raindrops that seemed to fall endlessly on my head. The drops, cool as ice, raced down my trembling body and tingled with an eerie feeling. I tried to hold back my tears, but could no longer enslave them within me.

An interesting way to start out your story, and I get where it's going because of the whole rain thing your doing. However, it left me a little confused. For Example :

angels-symphony wrote:All I can remember of my days in early childhood were the raindrops that seemed to fall endlessly on my head.

Okay, this a little akwardly phrased, because after reading the sentence, I got the impression that rain falling on her head is the only thing your MC remebers about childhood. I think the rest of the paragraph is fine as long as you expand up on the first sentence.

angels-symphony wrote:As the older sister of a hyper little girl, I had to be the responsible one in my family.[/quote[/b]
Good sentence, but I don't understand where you are going after the whole rain thing. How was the rain in the earlier paragraph significant?

angels-symphony wrote:My beloved parents most people knew as the musical prodigies Elaine and Cari were the most wonderful people I knew.

This is an akward and gramatically incorrect sentece. Try : "My beloved parents, whom most people knew as the musical prodigies Elaine and Carie, were the most wonderful people I know."
or
"My beloved parents most people knew as the musical prodigies Elain and Cari. They were the most wonderful people I knew."

angels-symphony wrote:The basics of life were taught to me by my parents; walking, talking, and so on.

Everyone knows that, Shina. You don't need to put it in unesicary information in there.
As I read on, Everything was absoultley perfect. However, there was this one pargraph that I thought might need a little poloshing.

angels-symphony wrote: A tear ran down my cheek as I placed the locket around my neck. I looked down at it proudly. My parents loved me. That was all I needed to know. After Kaydence and I finished opening our presents our maid , Ms. Evans, told us terrible news; the only possible thing that could ruin such a fine day. Our parents had been killed at the concert. Thinking only of me, she spared the details.

This paragraph is a little flat. First off, you don't have any of your main characters reaciton to the letter. And the whole thing about the parents dying, I wasn't really feeling the emotion behind it. You contanstly tell me to show instead of tell, but it seems you aren't doing that here


Other than that, you are an awesome writer. I can't wait to read more!