Vision

VISION

She was silence,
Written onto the rustic bed of earth with music.
Her breast was a marooned mystery,
And her curly locks,
Were weaving the dark infinite.

When the earth was moving towards
The sun’s raw dance of energy..
Her eyes encompassed euphoria,
Her bilabials were undiscovered notes
Engraved on seals of immemorial humanity.
Yet, I felt I understood her!
I claimed I knew her!

She unfolded her flared rainbow skirt
Beside the old canopy-
As if to acknowledge even she knew me!
Her fingers holding the skirt were
Reeds growing by every swap;
Her arms encompassed a strange odour,
Of the musk hanging from a fresh bower.


Then she stepped forward to reach
The anchored boat by the bank.
Boarded it, cut the anchoring thread
And flanked ahead…
No one rowed, yet it sailed.
Her skirt spread on the water behind.
As the boat propelled forward further
The surfs added to her skirt’s flare,
The farther she was, she seemed mightier..

Yet as she continued ahead,
I looked behind a while.
She too must have sensed something for
She stared at me,
With a spray of dew and infancy,
Her iris wrote in my mind uncanny
Foams of sprinkled breeze rained as spree….
As, she looked like life and smiled at me.
Alas! I could not smile back!

The style of this poem isn't something I would normally read, but I like it, and you did it well. It reminded me of the Ancient Mariner in it's style but perhaps that is just me. More story-led than emotion, which you don't see as often around here.

Very unusual style, but well-executed. I felt the first three verses were the stronger; the last two seem to wander from the point a bit and are not as neatly phrased as the preceding lines. In particular, this section bothered me:

The farther she was, she seemed mightier..

Yet as she continued ahead,
I looked behind a while.
She too must have sensed something for
She stared at me,
With a spray of dew and infancy,
Her iris wrote in my mind uncanny
Foams of sprinkled breeze rained as spree…

The first line there seems gramatically wrong somehow - at least, it made me twitch a little, so perhaps you could think about how to rephrase. The next bit doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, but I think it's the rhyme that bothers me most. The sentences seem incomplete and it feels like sense has been sacrificed to get the rhyme, which is never a good look. I'd consider rephrasing those lines as well.

Love the ending, especially "she looked like life".

Overall, an interesting and powerful poem. I'll definitely keep an eye out for some more of your work!

Cheers,
~bubbles

I do not get the line structure. It has no form or meaning to it, but yet you space them with some unknown measure. While the poem itself is nice, it is overkill. Why this description? 2nd and 5th are best in structure for a poem, but the middle was just struggling to tie it together, you've established a point and fail to move on.