The Night I Set the Sky on Fire

The sky was on fire. Hidden behind thousands of dancing clouds was the faint glimmer of orange. The glimmer of tomorrow. It danced without limits, flickering like a boundless flame and glowing like a firefly’s light. Something about it made me hopeful, expectant. Maybe the sun would come someday, a full circle of light.
I remember my little sister asking me once what music would look like if you could actually see it. If she wasn’t so naïve, it would have been easier giving a practical answer. If she didn’t believe in her fancies and other mythical nonsense, I wouldn’t feel as awful. Swaying her away from her fantasy land would’ve been simple if I had no heart. But I do have one. Scientifically speaking, of course.
If I were one of those older sisters who sugarcoated the truth, I would’ve told her that music would be a spectrum of hues, a collage of one’s memories. Good thing I’m not one to sugarcoat things, otherwise the crushing of her dreams would’ve been harder, more painful. It would’ve come eventually, whether I was the one to do it or not.
I scooped a handful of sand from my side. Although wet, it still felt warm like a collection of flame. It made me wonder if it was the volcano’s doing or actually the sun’s work. Shells glinted in the sand, wishing they could go back to where they belonged… the ocean.
Where did I belong? Did I deserve to fade? To be alongside my dead mother whose last request was to protect my little sister?
“Boy, I did a great job, didn’t I?” I muttered to myself. Talking to myself was normal, but my sister found it sardonic. After she became a sensible person, of course.
“Who are you talking to, Aysel?” she’d constantly ask me, her brow twitching with irritation. “Faeries? Mermaids? Invisible friends? I thought you said they didn’t exist? That they were all lies?”
I just brushed her off and continued to give nature a personality. I don’t look at people who talk to themselves as lonely anymore. In fact, I look at them like they’re the luckiest people in the world. They have friends. They believe.
The wind started blowing at my face, sending my dark curls into the air along with it. The wind persuaded me to fly, but I knew it wasn’t strong enough to lift me.
At one time, I believed it could. I tried everything from taping an umbrella to my back to tying a bunch of balloons to my overalls.
“You don’t believe anymore, Aysel? Just because Mama left?” my little sister once croaked, swallowing the realization hard.
I guess I don’t. What reason did I have to believe, anyway? I stared out at the clusters of the inferno as I thought back to the last time I believed.
“There’s no way you can set it on fire, Aysel. Not the sky.” Amora, an old companion, had snorted, sweeping her scarlet locks behind her.
“You wanna bet?” I swallowed a handful of trail mix before folding my arms contently.
“I’ll bet anything you can’t do it.”
I raised a brow at her as I wiped my hands on my shirt, “Even your gold watch? You want to bet on that, too?”
She flinched, eyes suddenly wide. Stroking her gold watch, she said, “Fine, I’ll bet with my gold watch-”
“Never back out on a challenge, do you, Amora?” I waved a hand over my mouth, yawning dramatically. I settled onto one of the large rocks. Its surface was cool despite the humidity.
“But if I win,” the corner of her lip lifted, “you have to ask Cyril out to the festival and make the first move, got it?”
I didn’t budge. Instead, I flashed her a toothy smile, “You’re on.”
We shook on it.
#
“What’s taking so long with that fire?” Amora mimicked my overdramatic yawn.
“Just wait. My magic only comes under certain circumstances.” I rubbed my hands together, wearing out the surface of my skin. After that, I slid my legs out on the shore, stretching into a split.
“Magic powers?” She shook her head with logic on her side. “My, my, you sure are a strange one, Aysel.”
I craned my head over my side and examined the sky. Shadowy clouds started clustering near the horizon, the familiar orange glow just barely peering over the water’s edge.
“Close your eyes until I say when,” I ordered, a cloud of excitement gathering in my stomach.
Amora rolled her eyes before shutting them, folding her arms and her legs. “I’m waiting.”
I snickered as I glanced back at the horizon.
“It looks like I’ve got myself a new watch.”
#
It’s been too long since the last time I set the sky on fire. Maybe I will again one day, if someone ignites my over-worn wick.

I loved this story. I was planning on critiquing some grammar and everything, but nothing. Your piece is nearly flawless, I would say. I also loved the imagery you've used. It's a hard thing to do, and it's bad to under or over do it, you've done it just right. Good job. It awes me that you write this well at the age of thirteen, at thirteen my stuff was nothing special, looking back.

-

This is brilliant.

I have very little to say but good things. Firstly, I appreciated the simplicity and succinctness of your story. It flowed and transitioned very well, I never felt that any of it was long-winded, and it kept my attention the entire time. And what I probably enjoyed most were the subtle references to dire and important themes, like the effects of the absence of a mother, the harshness of reality, and the necessity to sometimes fashion your own world to escape, or perhaps further appreciate, the real one.

The imagery and intricacies of this story were excellent. Like Kiki, I can't believe that you are only 13.

If I did have to make a suggestion, albeit a forced one, it would be that the introduction of the sister's name caught me a little off guard--if I'm correct in assuming that Amora is the name of her sister.

“There’s no way you can set it on fire, Aysel. Not the sky.” Amora snorted, shoving her scarlet locks behind her back.

Just when it introduced her name, she was criticizing Aysel like a child, and that seemed to be something that an older sister would do as opposed to a younger sister, and since she was previously referred to as simply the little sister, it took me a moment to collect my thoughts as I questioned whether that was a new character, like a third sister, or not.

But really, that's all I've got. Excellent writing, keep it up!

Jester wrote:
If I did have to make a suggestion, albeit a forced one, it would be that the introduction of the sister's name caught me a little off guard--if I'm correct in assuming that Amora is the name of her sister.

“There’s no way you can set it on fire, Aysel. Not the sky.” Amora snorted, shoving her scarlet locks behind her back.

Just when it introduced her name, she was criticizing Aysel like a child, and that seemed to be something that an older sister would do as opposed to a younger sister, collect my thoughts as I questioned whether that was a new character, like a third sister, or not.

Thanks for the good comments and the note on Amora ^^ Actually, Amora wasn't supposed to be seen as Aysel's little sister. Aysel's little sister doesn't have a name in this short story, so I thought introducing Amora wouldn't have implied that. But Amora does look down on Aysel because she's an arrogant type, if you would've guessed her gold watch and they live on an island xD

Thanks again for the reviews! I had imagination, but without YWS, my writing wouldn't be the same.

-Shina

Shina, the imagery in this story is fantastic. I could picture it clearly. But one aspect of the story confused me. If Aysel opposed of magical creatures so much that she told her sister they were unrealistic lies, why did she tell Amora that she could use magic to light the sky on fire? I know she was just betting her friend but if she thought the creatures were lies why wouldn't magic be one? Also why was she a traitor? I'm sorry about the questions but it was a good story I just got a little confused. You may have answered all of my questions in the story.
~peanut~

This was a brilliant piece of work! I loved all the descriptions you put into it, and the part about the bet for the golden watch and lighting the sky afire was awesome! I believe I'll soon read more of your work! Great job! Loved it!

I agree with most of the other posts; the imagery is great! There's just one little nit-pick I found:

She flinched, eyes suddenly wide.

Stroking her gold watch, she said, “Fine, I’ll bet with my gold watch-”

You can put that into one paragraph, like this:

She flinched, eyes suddenly wide. Stroking her gold watch, she said, “Fine, I’ll bet with my gold watch-”

But, other than that, great job, Shina!

I look forward to reading the other piece you sent me!

- Frag

Basket once again!
Reviewing is still the same, so lets go, shall we?

But I do have one. Scientifically speaking, of course.

My little sister once croaked, swallowing the realization hard.

I'm not sure if this specific sentence is a flashback or anything, but if its not, then I wouldn't use "once", because saying that makes it seem like it is a flashback.

I replied, folding my arms contently.

I'd say: competatively.


One thing you need to work on is flashbacks. I wasn't quite sure what flashbacks there were, if there were any...
Although, truthfully, it could just be me, not being alert. I am watching TV as I do this, after all... so you may want to just ignore me.

Also... I was kind of confused on how she made the sky on fire...
Was it just the colors that she did? Or was it literal?
Not quite sure on that aspect.
-Basket-

Shina! I’m back!

“Boy, I did I great job, didn’t I?”

“Boy, I did a great job, didn’t I?”

It made me wonder if it was the volcanoes doing or if it was actually the sun’s work.

“Volcano’s”

Description
You have such vivid description in this story. The words and the colorful language are very enchanting, most especially when you talk about the sky, which is obviously one of the main points of the story. This means you know what you want to say and you can see what you’re trying to tell us.

Scatter-brained
However, there is an aspect of the story that lacks a central focus. We don’t know the order of the events, and that makes understanding the story difficult. It almost seems like you grabbed the three sections, put them into whatever order you felt, and tossed them on the page. I’m not really sure why it feels that way, but I have a theory.

Lack of Info
Obviously, you know the order of events, but what do your readers know? Not as much. So go through the story and evaluate the story with only the information that you’ve given us. Take into consideration that we’re not in your head and we don’t know the characters on the same level as you.

Traitor?

Where did I belong? Where did a traitor like myself belong? Did I deserve to die? To be alongside my optimistic mother whose last request was to protect my little sister?

Where does this come from? Honestly, you didn’t give us much in your characters’ stories. There is a lot left out that we need to know because you start telling us about it. But most of this started information doesn’t need to be there in the first place. You almost don’t need it.

Overall, this is still good, it just needs the kinks worked out.

*throws a cookie*

Any questions, just PM me.

~lilymoore

Hello! I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this! I can barely see anything so I'm going to have to be kind of picky I think you have some really beautiful descriptions here.

Maybe the sun would come someday, a full circle of light. Maybe its cloak of vapors would fade, or condense if we were lucky.

Because the cloak of vapours fading is the opposite of you want (or so I thought from this) I'd maybe move it to the end of the sentence as before you were talking about what you wanted. Sorry if that sounds a bit confusing, I mean something like this- 'Maybe the sun would come someday, a full circle of light. Maybe if we were lucky its cloak of vapours would condense, or if we were not so maybe simply fade away.' So that the positive hope is the next to the hope that you expressed in the previous sentence instead of switching between positive- negative- positive.

Although it was wet, it still felt warm, like a collection of flame.

I don't know if this is the best description here, I can't really imagine the sand as a collection of flame and as you are saying it is warm it doesn't really sound right to say flame as that would be very hot. Maybe instead a comparison to something nearer the temperature would be better- for instance saying it were half cooked or a dieing flame or anything like that.

To be alongside my optimistic mother whose last request was to protect my little sister?

I'd maybe add 'for me' after 'last request was' just to make clear that she intended the MC to look after her sister.

The wind started blowing at my face, sending my dark curls into the air along with it. The wind persuaded me to fly, but it wasn’t strong enough to lift me.

something like 'against' might work better here than 'at my face' and I felt in reading the first sentence that there was a word missing before 'into the air' to show how they are sent into the air. Anything to show the movement like 'dancing', 'spiralling' or 'twirling' could work here, just to give a bit more imagery behind the action. I'd also think about changing 'The wind persuaded me to fly' just a little as it didn't really persuade her to fly as she is still on the ground- maybe saying it tried to persuade her to fly would be more accurate

I stared out at the visible clusters of the inferno, thinking back to the last time I believed.

I didn't really understand here what the 'visible clusters' are, are you talking about the glowing light from the inferno? I think you could rephrase it a bit or add some more to make clear what you are talking about.

Amora, one of my old friends, snorted, shoving her scarlet locks behind her back.

'shoving' is a bit of a violent word and although I think it kind of works in getting across her haughtiness at this moment, I still feel like it is a bit too strong and something like 'flipped' or 'swept' would be better in showing the movement.

I replied, folding my arms contently.

I didn't really think of her being content at this point so I think you could maybe use a better word to show how she folded her arms. Maybe something like 'challengingly' would be better as she is challenging her friend.

“Even your gold watch? You want to bet on that, too?”

As she isn't really betting on the watch, maybe this part could be phrased a bit better to get across that she is betting with the watch. Perhaps something like a 'Are you are even willing to risk that?'

I didn’t budge. Instead, I lifted myself from the boulder and flashed her a toothy smile.

I'd maybe change budge here as it makes it sound like she isn't going to move but then she gets up- perhaps to show that you mean she didn't have a reaction to her friends words would be clearer here like about her keeping her face blank or not even blinking or wincing or anything like that.

I rubbed my hands together, wearing out surface of my skin.

You need a 'the' before 'surface' here.

I ordered, a cloud of excitement gathering in my stomach.

I don't know if 'cloud' is best used here, it didn't really seem right to me to have a cloud of excitement in his stomach. Maybe ball or a twisting or stabbing or something like that would be better

Overall: Like I said, I think you have some beautiful descriptions and all in all this is a really good piece and I enjoyed reading it!

I do however have a couple of things to say about the basic plot, like that has been said before me, I felt it didn't really have much of an order to the story and at times this could be a bit confusing. I thought that the switching between the sister being full of imagination and then completely serious might have worked better if you just kept it at the beginning as imaginative and only made one switch towards the end to serious. Because the sisters character (from the impression I got) had changed quite a bit, I don't think it worked too well in maintaining what she was like to switch back and forth.

I also found the traitor comment a bit out of the blue. I was expecting it to tie in somehow at the end or to receive further hints about but there aren't any which left me a bit puzzled by why it was mentioned. I think you could quite cleverly tie it in with the rest- I got the idea that the sister was dead (although I may be completely wrong there so sorry if I am ) and maybe you could show something about her not being there at the end of the story. You could keep it mysterious still but just add something like 'since my sister passed' or something to show she is gone in the last couple of sentences. I don't know though if this would make her a traitor- maybe just a failure.

So basically I feel like a little more structure is needed to this, just to bring it all together. Other than that though, I thought it was wonderfully written All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped! *star*

Hi, Shina. Here is the review I promised and forgot about... *shifty eyes* Sorry for the wait!

The sky was on fire. Hidden behind thousands of dancing clouds was the faint glimmer of orange. The faint glimmer of tomorrow. It danced without limits, flickering like a boundless flame and glowing like a firefly’s light. Something about it made me hopeful, expectant. Maybe the sun would come someday, a full circle of light. Maybe its cloak of vapors would fade, or condense if we were lucky.

You have beautiful words in this paragraph, but unfortunately it's too slow and actionless to start a story. Personally, I would've needed something more hooking, but of course, this might be Teh Catch for some people, as we're all so different.

If she didn’t believe in her fancies and other mythical nonsense, I wouldn’t feel as awful.

This sentence was a little difficult to understand at the first read. Also, the ending is a bit vague – what's all this narrator-feeling-awful stuff? It's a new aspect, but barely gets explained. So perhaps you should rephrase a little?

However, if I were one of those older sister’s

You need to take the apostrophe away, since you want to have "sisters" in plural, not "sister is".

I scooped a handful of sand from my side. Although it was wet, it still felt warm, like a collection of flame.

You clearly like using imagery and you do it beautifully, too, but maybe less is more in this case. This is a story after all, and the readers want to get things forward, not having to stop to wonder about every glittering particle of the sandy land. You don't have to completely stop using your signature metaphors, of course (and I doubt you would), just limit them a little so the readers can enjoy them more.

I don’t look at people who talk to themselves as lonely anymore. In fact, I look at them like they’re the luckiest people in the world. They have friends. They believe.

I can see where you're aiming with this, but don't you think it's a little contradictory just to say that the people who talk to themselves have friends? Wouldn't the aspect of imaginary friends be more what you were reaching for?

“You don’t believe anymore, Aysel? Just because Mama left?” My little sister once croaked

I don't know about the verb choice here... somehow "croaked" seems a little funny to me, just because of the fact you're emphasizing that it happened "once". The croaked would fit better if it was happening this present moment, not so much when you're recalling what happened, if you know what I mean.


**

Okay, so while I was reading this piece, the "too much description too often" CD was playing and replaying in my head. However, I was interested to see how you would conclude the story. It seems that there is a greater, poetic-ish force behind the story, which is a good thing, because I love not letting the readers get away too easily.

There were some threads in this story that didn't get tied together, if you know what I mean. For example, I felt that you could've given the character background a lot more screen/page time, and cut away that of the description a little. I see that it's your style to describe a lot and use these metaphors, so don't give it up, just... keep an eye on it so you won't lose control with it.

I hope I could be even a little helpful. Thanks for the read!


Demeter
xxx

Hi! Here as requested!
First of all, your title is win.

Hidden behind thousands of dancing clouds was the faint glimmer of orange. The faint glimmer of tomorrow.

I think "the" should be "a", since you're speaking generically, and not really specifying anything.

Hidden behind thousands of dancing clouds was the faint glimmer of orange. The faint glimmer of tomorrow. It danced without limits, flickering like a boundless flame and glowing like a firefly’s light.

Repetition of danced/dancing doesn't work. Find a synonym, like maybe "flitted"?

Although it was wet, it still felt warm, like a collection of flame.

This isn't the right description at all. Wet and warm does not equal flame. Try what JabberHut said, a dieing flame, or make some other comparison. Since I'm really hungry right now, I'll give you this bad example: "Although it was wet, the warm color reminded me of creme brulee, and my fingers registered that as well."

It made me wonder if it was the volcano's doing or if it was actually the sun’s work.

Comma between doing and or.

Where did I belong?

Since you talked about where the shells belonged in the previous paragraph, I think you should add a but to the beginning of this sentence.

“Who are you talking to, Aysel?” She’d constantly ask me, her brow twitching with irritation.

"She'd" should be lowercase.

“You don’t believe anymore, Aysel? Just because Mama left?” My little sister once croaked, swallowing the realization hard.

My should also be lowercase, and there should be a "had" in front of once.

“You wanna bet?” I replied, folding my arms contently.

"Wanna" is not a word I would use in literature... It seems a little amature-ish, and it's not even a word. It's want to, dear.

“But if I win,” The corner of her lip lifted. “You have to ask Cyril out to the Starry Night Festival and make the first move, got it?”

The should be lowercase, and the period after lifted should be a comma.

“Just wait. My magic only comes under certain circumstances,” I rubbed my hands together, wearing out surface of my skin.

The comma afyer circumstances should be a period, and there should be a the in front of surface.


Overall... Your imagery was fantastic. However, the flow of events was sort of mish-mashed, or scatter-brained, if you will. You didn't change tenses, so I had no idea what was flashback and what was happening in the present of the story. You sort of just threw it together, and I, as the reader, had trouble deciphering it.
Also, the traitor comment and the main character's relationship with her sister seem out of place. It doesn't tie together at the end, and we don't get an answer to that. What did she do that made her a traitor? How has she hurt her sister? Why has her sister changed from this imaginative little girl to someone so bitter?
So, it appears as if you have some loose ends to tie up. One you're done with that, this will be a fantastic read. You have a talent for imagery (but just focus more on senses besides sight).
Good luck and keep writing.

Hey Shina. ^^ Sorry for the wait, but it seems you already have some great advice.

The transition between the first and second paragraph is rather abrupt, I think. You're talking about and describing the sky, almost set aflame with the orange of the sun, and then suddenly...music? I think it's a great paragraph of description, and then a really interesting concept about music being visual, but:

a.) There is nothing to connect the two paragraphs, and we're confused as to what happened to the sky and why you're suddenly talking about music.

b.) Aysel never answers her little sister's question, about what music would look like. You tell us about how she can't bear to break the little girl's fantasies with a practical answer...but that practical answer never comes. In fact, there's no answer at all. Aysel just goes on to talk about not believing anymore because her mom died and she's a traitor.

The wind started blowing at my face, sending my dark curls into the air along with it. The wind persuaded me to fly, but it wasn’t strong enough to lift me.

Your repetition of 'the wind' isn't needed and disrupts the flow. Try to rephrase this somehow.

My little sister [s]once[/s] croaked, swallowing the realization hard.

Because you're telling this in past tense within a past tense story (if that makes sense) I understand why you put the 'once' in here. But, it's unnecessary and sounds strange. I'd scrap it.

I was confused when Amora came into the picture. The transition was, again, very sudden-- from Aysel saying she was remembering the last time she believed, to suddenly a bet with an entirely different character. (?) I didn't think Amora was still the sister, but then I started doubting.

I think your problem here is that you so briefly introduce two characters-- the little sister and Amora --without properly explaining or expanding their roles in the story's theme, which is Aysel setting the sky on fire. As you go from the conversation with the sister to the conversation with Amora, nothing is resolved; the little sister now knows that Aysel doesn't believe, but no questions are answered, no conclusion is reached. And then the scenes with the gold watch and, later, setting the sky on fire seem completely unrelated.

So try finding a common string throughout the ENTIRE story that you can play on, so it's not quite and jupy and disjointed. If it's going to be the sky's fire then that's great, but you have to make that clearer and more apparent in the scene with the little sister.

As for the ending, I am slightly confused. I loved the image, and whole idea on setting the sky on fire, but in reality it's not explained very well. I love how Aysel tricks Amora by using the sunset to get the golden watch, but you don't ever explain to the readers what's the deal with this:

It’s been too long since the last time I set the sky on fire. Maybe I will again one day, if someone ignites my over-worn wick.

This is what I don't get. Why doesn't the sunset come every single night, and the sky get set into flames every night? Is it because of the clouds covering it? If so, somehow mention that so your readers aren't wondering if this island has different seasonal tendencies.

Overall, very well written, Shina. I think you had a lovely idea and some really nice description-- it was just your plot and explanation that I wasn't happy with. ^_^ Great job, and good luck! PM me for anything.

~Evi

Hey Shina! I'm sorry this took so long; been sort of swamped lately and out of it, but here I am now and I'll try to give you an extra awesome review to make up for it.

The faint glimmer of tomorrow. -I like this but I think it would be better as part of the previous sentence, like Hidden behind thousands of dancing clouds was the faint glimmer of orange; the [s]faint[/s] glimmer of tomorrow. It just reads more smoothly, and it's the same idea.

those older sister’s - No apostrophe.

whether I was the one to do it our not. - or, not our.

“Who are you talking to, Aysel?” She’d constantly ask me - Lowercase s in she'd.

Amora, one of my old friends, snorted, shoving her scarlet locks behind her back. - this is a flashback, so you need to edit the verb tense as such which is really annoying but basically, the first and last verbs in a flashback should be the past-in-the-past tense, so this should be Amora had snorted, shoving...

Shina, this is gorgeous. Really. The imagery is so pretty, and the beginning, where you can sense that Aysel is in danger and something's going on, contrasts well with the flashback, where she's [hardly] worrying about trivial things like Cyril. I do think there should be a little more at the end, in the present, with her sister, just to tie it back so it doesn't seem like the two parts are completely separate.

The beginning was such a bang, so good, but the end just fell flat for me; it was like you had given up on a semblance of plot and were relying on pretty imagery.

Otherwise I loved it and it was perfect. Hope this helped.

I’ll admit it – I’m lazy, and I didn’t read the other critiques. So don’t yell at me if I repeat things?

Anyways, I didn’t understand this piece very much. I don’t see how she lit the sky on fire – did she just wait for the sun to come up? And why is everyone so worked up over the sun?

But I’m not going to talk about what I didn’t understand, ‘cause that’s useless. I do have two things to say, though.

First, I’d ditch the last line. It looks like you just stuck it on as a second thought, and it doesn’t do anything to help the story. Always look at a story as if you wanted to cut everything. Does it help the story? Is it needed? If not, cut it. [or if you really love it, put it somewhere where the message would be stronger.]

Second, the story doesn’t really follow any logic. You have these characters, but I don’t really know them that well. You skip around in their life, and it’s confusing. Pick a time that’s important – maybe even two – and focus in on those. Maybe start with the little sister when she’s 15ish, or the oldest she is in this story. Have them talking together, their roles switched – now the sister doesn’t believe in anything. Let a little reminiscing go on, but stay focused. Don’t let us forget where – or when – we are.

Then move on to the friend. Have the ***s for your break and come to where they are laying on the rocks. Enter a lot more detail – what’s the sun feel like on them? The sand on their sunburned legs? Focus on everything, especially emotions. And find a way to tie it into the sister – maybe the friend doesn’t believe, but this time the MC doesn’t want to crush everything – she wants to sugar coat it.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415