SCRAPPED :)

I stared out through the passenger window, watching as the white lines on the road disappeared under our car, one after the other. The headlights swept over bushes and trees that lined the narrow road, catching the glint of animals’ eyes as they stared out our passing car.
Next to me, Dad fiddled with the dial for the radio. He switched from station to station, trying to find a decent, jaunty song. It took him a while, but, eventually, cheerful music filled the car.
“Ah,” he said as he leant back in his seat. He flicked a look at me and then turned back to the road. “How’s this, Ames?”
“It’s okay,” I said, even though I had never heard it before.
“Okay? Okay?” he echoed with mock incredulousness. “Why, how dare you not recognise such a wonderful song! What is the world coming to when you don’t even appreciate such magnificence!”
I smiled at his teasing tone. “Alright, Dad, what is it?”
“How am I supposed to know? I’ve never heard it before in my life!”
I grinned and turned to look out of my window. Dad was on his way to pick up something from work. He’d come home and realised he’d forgotten his notes. He’d said how he needed them this weekend, for something he was writing. Mum didn’t want him to go, because by the time he would get back Dylan and I would be in bed. Dad left for work early. We’d be woken up by his kiss upon our brows as he said goodbye until he came back home.
Dad suggested that he should take us with him, but Mum wasn’t too keen on that idea either. In the end it didn’t matter what Mum thought; as soon as Dylan and I heard this we were all for it. Mum relented after our endless attempts at persuading her. But Dylan couldn’t go; he was ill. His argument, which he’d only just managed to croak to Mum, had been nothing against mine. So Dylan stayed home while I went in the car with Dad, still dressed in my pyjamas.
I celebrated my victory by sticking my tongue out at Dylan, infuriating him further. I was only nine and Dylan was twelve, so it was a brave thing for me to do. He would probably creep into my room sometime this week and release a garden frog into my bed. He had done that last year because I ruined his date with Nancy Parker. The funny side had just not been visible to him when I sneaked up behind just as they were about to kiss.
“Amelia-” Dad started, as though he was going to ask me about something serious. He never got to finish his question.
White headlights immediately blinded us as a car coming in the opposite direction rounded a sharp bend. It was going too fast for this tiny, country road. Too fast. I saw the man in the oncoming car struggle with the steering wheel as it hurtled towards us.
Too late.
Dad swerved violently to get out of the way, but the car still hit us. The screech of metal on metal hurt my ears and I gasped, jerking my hands up to cover them. I was knocked against the window and I hit my head. A sharp burst of pain caused me to cry out. I felt my body strain against my seatbelt, my ridiculously thin life-line stopping me from crashing through the windscreen.
Then the screaming stopped. I didn’t see why, but I guessed the other car was no longer scraping against us. But the hell was not over for us yet. The crash caused Dad to loose control of the car. It was like a wild beast as he clutched at the steering wheel, fighting to keep the car on the road.
But it happened so fast.
The car was suddenly tearing through bushes. One headlight had shattered, but the other still worked. It illuminated the tree that leapt out of the darkness.
I heard Dad yell as he slammed down on the brakes, but I did not turn to look at him. The effect the sight of the tree had on me was almost hypnotic and I stared ahead, too terrified to move. There was a horrible squealing sound as the brakes screamed against the wheels. Brakes could do nothing for us now. There was only one way this car was going to stop.
Dad shouted at me to get down. I could barely hear him over all the horrifying noise. He pushed me down, forcing me to double over. I wrapped my head in my arms as he leant over me. I didn’t know what he was doing. Protecting me by cushioning me with his body?
I didn’t have long to wonder. The car slammed into the tree. I heard something shatter – the windscreen? There was a terrifying thud and I heard Dad’s sharp cry of pain. I squeezed my eyes shut harder as my body lurched forwards. I hit my head on the dashboard and there was a bright burst of pain.
Almost immediately everything hushed. The only sounds were the shrill car alarms wailing mournfully and a faint, frightening hiss. Something warm dripped onto me from above. I felt my muscles loosen as I was gathered in a thick blanket of black.

All in all, I liked it. I liked it a lot. It could use some cleaning up; info dumps and some imagery and flow issues. I can tell, though, that you spent a lot of time developing your characters. I'm more of a character-centered writer, too, so I can respect that. But flow could be improved.

EmmaJane wrote:I stared out through the passenger window, watching as the white lines on the road disappeared under our car, one after the other. The headlights swept over bushes and trees that lined the narrow road, catching the glint of animals’ eyes as they stared out our passing car.

It's a good image, but I don't think I've ever seen animals' eyes when I drive down a road at night....unless, of course, your signaling the reader about something?

EmmaJane wrote:We’d be woken up by his kiss upon our brows as he said goodbye until he came back home.

brilliant. It shows teh reader the relationship between these two characters, and tells us a lot about the setting. Well done.

EmmaJane wrote:Dad suggested that he should take us with him, but Mum wasn’t too keen on that idea either. In the end it didn’t matter what Mum thought; as soon as Dylan and I heard this we were all for it. Mum relented after our endless attempts at persuading her. But Dylan couldn’t go; he was ill. His argument, which he’d only just managed to croak to Mum, had been nothing against mine. So Dylan stayed home while I went in the car with Dad, still dressed in my pyjamas.
I celebrated my victory by sticking my tongue out at Dylan, infuriating him further. I was only nine and Dylan was twelve, so it was a brave thing for me to do. He would probably creep into my room sometime this week and release a garden frog into my bed. He had done that last year because I ruined his date with Nancy Parker. The funny side had just not been visible to him when I sneaked up behind just as they were about to kiss.

Careful. This is a sort of info dump. My suggestion: to avoid flooding the reader with this stuff, tell it in chronological order. Start it off with the argument, "Why can she go and I can't? It's not fair!" and all. Then you don't have to drown us in all of this information.

EmmaJane wrote: White headlights immediately blinded us as a car coming in the opposite direction rounded a sharp bend. It was going too fast for this tiny, country road. Too fast. I saw the man in the oncoming car struggle with the steering wheel as it hurt
Dad swerved violently to get out of the way, but the car still hit us. The screech of metal on metal hurt my ears and I gasped, jerking my hands up to cover them. I was knocked against the window and I hit my head. A sharp burst of pain caused me to cry out. I felt my body strain against my seatbelt, my ridiculously thin life-line stopping me from crashing through the windscreen.

This is a bit choppy. Try soomthing it out a bit. You know, counting syllales and all that. I knwo it'stedious, but it has to be done.

EmmaJane wrote: Dad shouted at me to get down. I could barely hear him over all the horrifying noise. He pushed me down, forcing me to double over. I wrapped my head in my arms as he leant over me. I didn’t know what he was doing. Protecting me by cushioning me with his body?
I didn’t have long to wonder. The car slammed into the tree. I heard something shatter – the windscreen? There was a terrifying thud and I heard Dad’s sharp cry of pain. I squeezed my eyes shut harder as my body lurched forwards. I hit my head on the dashboard and there was a bright burst of pain.
Almost immediately everything hushed. The only sounds were the shrill car alarms wailing mournfully and a faint, frightening hiss. Something warm dripped onto me from above. I felt my muscles loosen as I was gathered in a thick blanket of black.

Yikes. This is really good. Great imagery, kind of creepy....really well done. I suggest using smells, too, though. Use everything you've got to describe thids horible scene. The smell of burning rubber, of fried gasoline, and of blood can be extremely potent for th reader.

Good luck! Hope I helped!

~Vee

Hello, teammate! Time for a serious review! Thanks for the one on Wolf Girl, by the way. It was extremely helpful.

Okay, so here goes.

Nit-picks! (My favorite part, yay!)

I stared out through the passenger window, watching as the white lines on the road disappeared under our car, one after the other.

If you're looking out through the passenger window, then you wouldn't be able to see the lines, am I correct?

The headlights swept over bushes and trees that lined the narrow road,

Hmm. "Headlights sweeping" sounds a bit odd . . . I'd change it to something like "the light from the headlights." That way it's absolutely clear this isn't some sort of fantasy story with flying headlights or anything weird.

catching the glint of animals’ eyes as they stared out our passing car.

Animals staring out? I think you mean "at." ^^

the dial for the radio.

Change to "radio dial."

He flicked a look at me

Flicked?

Dad was on his way to pick up something from work. He’d come home and realised he’d forgotten his notes. He’d said how he needed them this weekend, for something he was writing.

"He'd" is redundant.

Like the above review pointed out, this and the following two paragraphs are extremely info-heavy. I'd tone them down a bit. Exposition is a great thing when used properly, but sometimes it's just unessecary.

It was going too fast for this tiny, country road. Too fast.

Why do you have "too fast" twice? I don't think it's needed.

The crash caused Dad to loose control of the car.

Since it's already happened, this should be "The crash had caused Dad to loose control of the car."

There was a terrifying thud and I heard Dad’s sharp cry of pain. I squeezed my eyes shut harder as my body lurched forwards. I hit my head on the dashboard and there was a bright burst of pain.

"Pain" seems just a tad redundant here. Maybe use another word like "agony?"

Something warm dripped onto me from above.

*Shudder* Eeek, blood. You just successfully managed to creep me out. Congratulations! *hands cookie*

Character Development

Well, this is just the prologue, so I can’t say much about the characters yet. However, I think the narrator sounds a bit mature for a nine-year-old. Crop or split some of the sentences so that she sounds younger, like you did in “Little Macey.” I’ve seen you do it, so I know you can. ^^

The father seems very protective and kind in a genuine way. Nice job!

Plot:

Again, this is just the prologue, so I don’t have much to say. This seems like a very good start to a good story. I do think, however, that the whole story about the argument, and her spoiling her brother’s date, was unnecessary. You can mention that later on. Right now we want to know about the girl and her father and what’s happening to them. That’s what’s important.

Description:

Your description is all very good, but how about throwing in more of it? Describe the smell of the car, the bumpy road, the seats of the car. Describe her dad’s voice and appearance. Describe the crash – every agonizing smash and bump and jerk. It’s little stuff like this that gives writing emotion and shine.

Overall:

I enjoyed reading this, especially the ending, although I think the beginning was a bit drawn-out. I once heard this advice: pretend that the crisis of your story (in this case, the crash) is a giant waterfall, and all the events leading up to it form the river that leads to the waterfall. You need to start far enough downstream that you can already hear the roar. ^^

That was a good read. ^^ Keep writing! And, oh yes:



Cupcakes for you!

-Hawks-

Hi
I liked your story, It was very captivating!

'as they stared out our passing car.'

'out at our'

'he leant back'

leaned

'as he leant over me'

Again, 'leaned'.

Other than that it was good! Keep writing and working on it!

You can PM me with any questions if you like.

~Tayla