The Descent, Part One, Revised

removed by author.

Heya there ThornedRose!

This is a wonderful second draft (yes, I read the first one). But, to the review.

I don’t know what Elisabeth thought, but I desperately wanted to become Queen.

Why did she want to be queen? Give her a reason.

“The Prophecy?” I asked curiously, “Are you the situation is going to be that grave, your majesty?”

Nix the comma after curiously. You don't need it there. Also, I believe you forgot to add "sure" into the sentence

I was absolutely sure she was going to become the Queen.

She? Is she thinking of Elisabeth?

I saw Demetrius’s hut straight below me.

This is rather telly, dear. Spice it up a bit! Was it nestled neatly beneath a clump of pine trees? Was it in a swamp, surrounded by stink weed?

I continued as she twirled a strand of her tree-bark colored hair.

You switch point of views here and...

put her hands on Demetrius’s shoulders and kissed him happily.

here

“Elisabeth.” He said duly.

It should be: "Elisabeth," he said dully.

“Dinah, what’s wrong?” he asked.

Is he flying too? If so, describe the way his wings are flapping, or his facial expressions. He is quite blank. I have no idea what he looks like.

~~~~~

Description~ You could add some more description into this piece. Your work will defiantly flourish with a little more imagery

Characters~ Elisabeth and Demetrius are quite blank. Perhaps you should describe them more. Dinah seems quite childish to me. Sure she'll be disappointed that she didn't become queen, but does she really have to get revenge? Then again, there are many petty people out there. But perhaps, explain to your reader why she was so disappointed and why she wanted to be queen so bad.

Puncuation~ I noticed throughout this piece you wrote sentences like this--these are my own examples:

"Susy! You can't just run off," I shouted, "You're being childish!"

You do not need the comma after your dialogue tag. It should always be a period.

Overall~ A very interesting story so far. It just needs a little more description and some more character development. I know it's onyl the first part but still. Also, watch out for your POV changes

If you have any questions and when the next part is up, PM me.

Meadow

Hey, I'm KJ. I decided to lay off on nitpicks with your piece, because I didn't spot many while reading, and it looks like the reviewer above me covered most of it. I'm just here to give you a few general observations


--> Characters. Your MC comes off as very immature, while I think she needs to be dark, angry, and cynical. It's neat that the MC is the villian, however. You don't see that too often. Oh, and I'd like to see her lover's character developed. We didn't get to see who he really is, what his habits are, why he's with the MC.

--> Plot. I think you're delving into it too fast. As I just told someone else a little bit ago, I think you need a bit more setup. Begin differently, perhaps.

--> Setting. We need more. While I get that they're in a forest or something, I was confused by the mix of the modern world. They get newspapers? Are they in their own fairy kingdom? Expand and make this more clear to the reader.


Hope this little bit helps. Keep writing.

Heya Rose!
Here's the overall review of your piece:

Characters:
Your MC comes to me as a good MC; egoistic, a bit self-centered and immature. I like that. Many writers put their MC's as the perfect character.
As for the other characters, I'd like to see more of the. For example, I can't get much out of Demetrius, just that he's supportive and understanding, but also not much defiant.
As for Elisabeth, we haven't got any more on her, and as it appears, she will be an important character.

Description and Imagery:
All I can say on this one is that we need more. More clearer emotion, and more description of the surroundings. If you use metaphors you'll easily built in these two spots.

More, more, more!
The plot on this sounds quite interesting, even though it may lead to something a bit of cliche. Much is missing in this piece: answers to questions you leave open is one of them. My advise right here is to add a bit more.

Sp, good luck!
*Kat*