The Descent Part I

Removed + Locked.

“Your Majesty,” whispered Dinah, “I am anxious to hear of your selection. The king bid them farewell. On a normal day, the two would have only started their training, but tonight, they had none, because the King was sick and he needed to recover.

You didn't end the speech. "I am anxious to hear of your selection."
But that's the only error I found ^^
This was great. You know what this reminds me of? "Wicked Lovely" by Melissa Marr. With all the talk of faeries and high court and stuff.
PM me when you post the next part

~EmmaJane~

Hey ThornedRose! Kara here. I'm going to review your work to the best of my ability.

Elisabeth looked over at Dinah, who was her co-warrior in training. In the Royal Court, warriors were very highly honored. The duty to protect the Kingdom from the Dark Faeries to the south, the trolls and ogres to the east and the undead to the north was considered divine by the faeries of the kingdom, and the warriors in training were hand-picked by the ruler. They lived in the palace in the Imperial City and were trained personally by the King or Queen.

Whoops. Infodump there. They sort of tend to sneak in, don't they? You'll want to spare us the info so early in the story. Maybe you can weave it in as you go along. You know, in little bits. Putting them in slowly makes info easier to remember.

This was exactly the situation, because the King was dying, and he had no children to succeed him, he was going to chose between Elisabeth and Dinah. While Elisabeth wanted nothing to do with it, it was Dinah’s dream to succeed the king and become Queen of the Faeries.

Again, infodump. Show, don't tell. Try to make us see that Elisabeth didn't want to be queen. Let us infer it from their actions, their thoughts even.

“Your Majesty,” whispered Dinah, “I am anxious to hear of your selection. The king bid them farewell. On a normal day, the two would have only started their training, but tonight, they had none, because the King was sick and he needed to recover. Elisabeth was tired and went up to her room to take a rest.

"...of your selection."

I'm sure that's just a typo, though.

Again, infodump towards the end. Try to show it through conversation this time. Or through Elisabeth's thoughts.

After I am gone, the power's will be realesed to the chosen ones.

Powers, not power's.

Now, to my annoucment,"

Announcement.

"The person I have chosen to succeed me I know will become a good ruler in the time of danger to come. She is smart, a brilliant student, kind, caring, and a cunning warrior. The person I have chosen to succeed me, Is Elisabeth."

Mmm. I kind of expected this from the beginning. No sense of surprise here. I think you should start at this point. And then you should show the reactions of the people (this will enable you to show that Dinah wants to be queen and Elisabeth didn't).

Also, I believe you might want to give Elisabeth a reason to not want to be queen. It's not believable to just dislike being queen for no particular reason.

OVERALL: Too much telling, not enough showing. Also, try writing in the active voice, not the passive voice. To do this, eliminate all the had, has, was and were from the story. They do your story more harm than good.

On the bright side, you seem to have a good plot going on here. It appears well thought out. ^___^


~Kara

Okay, ThornedRose, I really like where this story is going so far. I agree with everything that Kara said, what with the infodumps and not enough showing, and I'm just going to point out a few more errors that I noticed.

“You’ve chosen your heir then, your highness?” Elisabeth asked with an edge of curiosity in her voice.

There's nothing grammatically wrong with this. I just think that it might be better if, instead of saying 'with an edge of curiosity in her voice,' you should try taking out the 'with' and adding a comma. It would look like: '... Elisabeth asked, an edge of curiosity in her voice.' I just think that this helps with the flow of the story, and also, it also kind of helps with the showing-not-telling thing... I think.
Anywho. Moving right along:

Elisabeth looked over at Dinah, who was her co-warrior in training.

I think you might want to try 'co-warrior-in-training.' I'm just thinking of how when someone is in trainig, they usually have the whole hyphen-between-words thing going.

Faeries from all over the kingdom showed up, and there was always food and drink, laughter and dancing and fun.

You might just want to try listing the things at the end; '... there was always food, drink, laughter, dancing, and fun.' You also might want to try using different words... the whole 'laughter-dancing-fun' thing is kind of stereotypical for celebrations.

However, A feeling of apprehensiveness swirled around her, making her not wanting to go to the bonfire.

You do not know who you are, but In due time, when you receive your powers, you will acquire more strength and power than you ever thought possible.

The person I have chosen to succeed me, Is Elisabeth.

Where I underlined in the above three quotes, you need a lowercase letter. Also, in that second quote, in the beginning, you were having the King speak as if to the entire crowd, but by the end, you were speaking as if only to the 'chosen ones.' You might want to switch that up a little- for example, ' "You do not know who they are, but in due time, when they receive their powers, they will acquire more strength and power than they ever thought possible." ' Something like that.
In the third quote, you don't need that comma before saying 'is Elisabeth.'
Okay. That was all I noticed.
Anywho, I really liked the idea for your story, although, like Kara, I saw that Elisabeth was going to be crowned from the start. There might be something in her idea to start the story at the bonfire, and then describe everybody's reactions- Elisabeth's shock and reluctance, Dinah's shock and anger.
I can't want to read more of this. Please shoot me a PM when you post more up. Keep writing!