Cliche Ending

Seems the only way I can clear my head these days,
Is to write it on a piece of paper.
Because it's all the things that I can't say,
But I can sing them someday later.

Yes? No? Maybe? Please somebody save me,

Look up, down, you're all around me.
Wishing and waiting, you're so complicating,
You're all I want and need.
If only you know, please don't let go,
I'm not pretending, we all want our cliche ending.

Call me the damsel in distress, Call me a pest,
Oh Prince Charming, you're oh so alarming,
Bring on the best and leave out the rest,
You could of left me out with a warning.

Look up, down, you're all around me.
Wishing and waiting, you're so complicating,
You're all I want and need.
If only you know, please don't let go,
I'm not pretending, we all want our cliche ending.

Wait, now I know! Wait, no I don't!
I want to wake but I know I won't.
I need to breathe, but I'd rather see,
What have you done to me?

Look up, down, you're all around me.
Wishing and waiting, you're so complicating,
You're all I want and need.
Did you forget me? Or do you forget me?
I know you don't but I'm in a comatose,
But I'm no sleeping beauty,
But I still want my cliche ending.

Hey! Nice song! I imagine it as a passionate country song, am I right?

It's hard to review lyrics, because you don't know the tune and how the song would run when set to music.

Oh Prince Charming, you're oh so alarming,
Bring on the best and leave out the rest,
You could of left me out with a warning.

I don't understand this part very well. Maybe you understand it, but I don't, and a casual listener certainly wouldn't. Confusion is usually not something you want in song lyrics, since the listener only has one chance to hear the words go by.

I know you don't but I'm in a comatose,

"Comatose" is the adjective for someone in a "coma," the noun, which you need here.

Good work and keep writing!

paddyackles wrote:Seems the only way I can clear my head these days,
Is to write it on a piece of paper.
Because it's all the things that I can't say,
But I can sing them someday later.

I could not get a sense of the rhythm in this first line at all. I think it's that first line. It's too long.

paddyackles wrote:Look up, down, you're all around me.
Wishing and waiting, you're so complicating,
You're all I want and need.
If only you know, please don't let go,
I'm not pretending, we all want our cliche ending.

Love this, I could really hear it in my head.

paddyackles wrote:Call me the damsel in distress, Call me a pest,
Oh Prince Charming, you're oh so alarming,
Bring on the best, [s]and[/s] leave out the rest,
You could of left me [s]out[/s] with a warning.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
I thought you did a good job with this overall. There weren't any blatant rhyming blunders like rhyming 'cat' with 'hat'.
Most of the song I felt had really good rhythm. Some lines got a little off, I think mostly because they had too many words but some I think need to be re-worked. (Maybe this sounds awesome in your head the way it is, I don't know, this is how I hear it).

Overall:
I was a little skeptical of the topic going in and thought it was going to be really cliche and dumb but I thought it sounded really good and I think you did a really good job with it.
I love that chorus. It's really catchy and cute and I really love the ending too.
I'm gonna give you a gold star, nice job!

-Carly

To Hawkie: I always have songs that end up sounding like Taylor Swift songs. But I think I aim to be a little more angsty than her. A little less country than the song sounds like, but more or less, yes.

Did you forget me? Or do you forget me?

That line was actually supposed to be

Did you forget me? Or do you regret me?

My apologies, that was a typo.

Call me the damsel in distress, Call me a pest,
Oh Prince Charming, you're oh so alarming,
Bring on the best and leave out the rest,
You could of left me out with a warning.

The idea behind this verse of the song was the whole idea of fairy tales. The princess waiting to be saved, but in this situation, my "Prince Charming" is scaring me, because he's not ending up as the person the idea of fairy tale inspired. The perfect ending was so close in reach, and life was just about to become the most amazing, perfect thing, but one second, no warning, everything is gone. Love gives people an illusion of perfection, and you think of royalty, beauty, and no one ever thinks of the peasants. They're left out. But that wasn't all that clear with in the lines, I agree.

Seems the only way I can clear my head these days,
Is to write it on a piece of paper.
Because it's all the things that I can't say,
But I can sing them someday later.

As for the rythm here, I'm not so sure about myself. In a song, you may find somewhere to add a little pause for instrumental purposes, and sometimes there isn't. But that isn't exactly planned out yet.

Thank you both for your opinions, corrections, and suggestions.

I like your song!! i like the theme with the Prince and stuff! your rhyming was great as well!!





Keep Writing And thanks for sharing!!

God bless





"They can because they think they can."