Werewolf

It be gone man.

Boltage wrote:. The noise of the clicking clock echoed through the empty home. A single snore came with every minute that passed. A boy released these hallow, moan, grunts. At fifteen, Eric was a small boy, always had been. He was always a fearful boy. Not really the kid to take a risk, but not the kind of boy who would never stand up for himself.

Mkay. First off, I dunno WTF that period is there for, so take It out. Your first sentence makes no absolute sense. If some one is living in it, It is not empty. There is furniture, food, pets, etc, etc. A home which someone is living in is NEVER empty. Third sentence - What? A snore from who? Okay, If Eric Is fifteen, he isn't small. Try "frail", "weak", "petite". Erm, Fift sentence, maybe say, "he was always scared of every possible thing you could think of." Sixth, Try "He was not really the kid take to a risk". after the comma, you should delete it, because It makes no sense when paired with the words before the comma.

Boltage wrote:A buzzing siren broke the rhythmic noise. Cutting through the peace. Eric shot up, his brown hair was in a mess, and his bright, green, eyes were confused and drowsy. Eventually he focused enough to turn the alarm off his clock. Again he moaned, but not a rhythmic one. The busted clock had woken him up wrongly again; it was four am, and a Saturday. Eric wanted to pull the clocks cord, and chuck it out the window. He had stayed up late working on an essay, and had only just sent it, via email, an hour ago. Only two points would be marked off by his griseous teacher.

A buzzing siren? What? Where? Combinde the first two sentences togheter by replacing the period with a comma. Erm, Third sentece is good. Fourth makes no absolute sense. If its his alarm clock thats ringing, you're making it sound like he's taking the actual alarm of the clock O.O The clock is busted? What? He broke it? Rest is good untill the last sentences, but what the hell is griseous?

Boltage wrote:The greened eyed boy, now too awake to sleep again, slipped out of his bed. He slipped on some new clothes, and headed down to the living room. At the foot of the stairs, was an egger face of a big, black, lab. Eric petted the beast, and continued into the living room. Once he entered he plopped down on the coach, and clicked the TV on. There wasn’t much on but paid prgraming. So the boy ended up watching a program on some bathroom cleaner till five. Only a minute had gone by after the long, boring, commercial had ended before his mom came running down the stairs. Coco, the big lab, went running for the woman, her tail wagging.

Green eyed...Erm, your making me think It's a moster. also, now that we know his name, Don't use 'the boy'. Say Eric, or he. Replace 'now too awake to sleep again' with something like 'Too fully awake to go back tp sleep' Eric patted the beast? what! OMG RUN FOR YOUR LIIIVEES! O.O Just say its a dog, that'll work perfectly. Also, maybe you should give the dog a name.

Boltage wrote:“Oh! Eric, you’re up. Would you mind walking Coco for me?” the raven haired woman asked.

Raven - Haired? Huh? If you mean black, you can just say, "Ebon" or "Jet" Black.

“

Boltage wrote:Can’t we just let her out? She knows to stay near the house,” Eric complained.

“But Coco loves it when she gets to leave the house. Just a quick walk. And when you get back I’ll have a nice pancake breakfast for you,” she pleaded. Eric sighed and got off his butt.

“Fine,” he grumbled and grabbed the dog’s leash.

Okay, If the dog is let out, she'll still be leaving the house...



We'll I g2g. I'll finish up tommorow!

You posted it...

Please, please edit before posting, dahlin'.

Even though I'm doing this contest as well, I will critique it for you. Possibly. Tomorrow, most likely. Tee hee.

For now, re-read and spell check. It will do wonders for you. Some things Throned Rose said make sense, some don't, but once again, some do. Listen to her.

I promise that I will critique this soon!

Peace ~~

Antigone

. The noise of the clicking clock echoed through the empty home. A single snore came with every minute that passed. A boy released these hallow, moan, grunts. At fifteen, Eric was a small boy, always had been. He was always a fearful boy. Not really the kid to take a risk, but not the kind of boy who would never stand up for himself.

Ok, first of all, get rid of that period that appears before the opening sentence.
I’m not exactly sure what you’re trying to say with the third sentence, but maybe edit it so that it says, “A boy released hallow moans and grunts.”

Going off of what ThornedRose said, Eric is not a small boy if he is fifteen. He should be described as “petite,” “weak,” or “frail.” If he is short, don’t try to over describe him, and just call him “short.”

“He was always a fearful boy, and not really one to take a risk. Though, he was never the kind of boy to never stand up for himself.”

A buzzing siren broke the rhythmic noise. Cutting through the peace. Eric shot up, his brown hair was in a mess, and his bright, green, eyes were confused and drowsy. Eventually he focused enough to turn the alarm off his clock. Again he moaned, but not a rhythmic one. The busted clock had woken him up wrongly again; it was four am, and a Saturday. Eric wanted to pull the clocks cord, and chuck it out the window. He had stayed up late working on an essay, and had only just sent it, via email, an hour ago. Only two points would be marked off by his griseous teacher.

The first two sentences could in fact be one sentence. “A buzzing siren broke the rhythmic noise, cutting through the peace.”

Don’t overuse the commas -
“Eric shot up. His brown hair was in a mess, and his bright, green eyes were confused and drowsy.” Though, now that I think about it, you don’t need “confused” in there. You might tell the reader that Eric himself was confused, but his eyes aren’t.

“Again he moaned, but not a rhythmic one.” – You never stated that his moans were rhythmic.

“The busted clock had woken him up wrongly again.” Unn, I don’t like how that sounds. Perhaps try, “The busted clock had woken him early once again.”

“four am” should have a capital AM.

“Only two points would be marked off by his griseous teacher.” Ok, I’m not sure what you’re trying to use to describe the teacher, but if I’m right, it should be “gracious.”

The greened eyed boy, now too awake to sleep again, slipped out of his bed. He slipped on some new clothes, and headed down to the living room. At the foot of the stairs, was an egger face of a big, black, lab. Eric petted the beast, and continued into the living room. Once he entered he plopped down on the coach, and clicked the TV on. There wasn’t much on but paid prgraming. So the boy ended up watching a program on some bathroom cleaner till five. Only a minute had gone by after the long, boring, commercial had ended before his mom came running down the stairs. Coco, the big lab, went running for the woman, her tail wagging.

Eager, not egger.

“Once he entered, he plopped down on the couch, and clicked the TV on.”

“There wasn’t much on but paid programming, so the boy ended up watching a program on some bathroom cleaner until five.”

There shouldn’t be a comma between “boring” and “commercial.”

“Oh! Eric, you’re up. Would you mind walking Coco for me?” the raven haired woman asked.

Raven-haired.

“Can’t we just let her out? She knows to stay near the house,” Eric complained.

“But Coco loves it when she gets to leave the house. Just a quick walk. And when you get back I’ll have a nice pancake breakfast for you,” she pleaded. Eric sighed and got off his butt.

I don’t like “and got off his butt.” Perhaps change it to something like, “Eric sighed and reluctantly stood up.”

“Fine,” he grumbled and grabbed the dog’s leash.

There should be a comma between “grumbled” and “and.”

Coco skipped, a stumpy, clumsy skip, after him, ready to see the sites. Eric walked the moose of a dog around the town. In the early hours it was still pretty dark out. But slowly the sun rose into the gray, violet sky. The pink bulb seemed to make the regular sites of the boring town, brighten up. The lab flopped around the town, barking and chasing every thing around it. Eric was running more than looking around, but he still found the site different and breath taking.

Dogs can skip? Also, there should be no comma between the last “skip” and “after.”

When they got to the park, Eric had intended on letting Coco off her leash, and run around. Those plans changed fast. As soon as the dog came near the park, she gave a low, angry, growl. She wasted no time getting into a fighting position, and flashing her fangs.

Again, you’re overusing the commas! STOP! There should be no comma between “angry” and “growl.”

“What wrong with her?” asked Eric silently to himself. Coco let another snarl out, and then charged. Eric was caught by surprise, and the leashed was pulled from his weakened grip. The weak boy barreled after the dog, trying to get the leash. The dog ran a lot faster than Eric had ever seen, plus he was not so fast.

You used “weak” in two different forms right after another. It sounds repetitive and bland.

“The dog ran a lot faster than Eric had ever seen, plus he was not so fast.” Ok, that sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe try, “The dog could run a lot faster than Eric had previously thought, and he knew that he himself was so fast.”

Coco finally stopped in the middle of the woods, right near a stream. Eric was panting, hands on knees. Somehow he managed to get the leash through his shaking hand. The boy walked while straining to drag the dog out of the forest surroundings “Why did you come here Coco?” Eric asked the dog, now thinking something was genuinely wrong

There should be a period after “surroundings.”

“How do you know me? What do you want?” Eric asked. In the boy’s daze, and terror, his grip on the leash loosened to almost nothing, and the brown dog ran forward. The leash slipped right through Eric’s twitching hands. The dog bound towards the man, and just as she was about to bite, the man growled, and kicked. His foot collided with the dog’s snout, making her not sit, but bite. Coco’s enormous pearly, well yellowed, whites dug into the man’s leg. Not that you could tell from the man’s unbroken expression. Nonchalantly the man rose his leg, and kicked, send the dog flying straight into the tree. This man was obviously stronger than he looked, and Eric’s only form of protection just got knocked out.

“In the boy’s terror, his grip on the leash loosened to almost nothing, and the brown dog ran forward.” And of course the leash slipped out of his hands. It’s repetitive. Fix it.

“Coco’s enormous pearly, well yellowed whites dug into the man’s leg.” Ok, are her teeth yellow or are they pearly white?

The nervous lad saw a large branch on the ground, he swept it up in a moments time. It did not help his confidence much, but any weapon was better than none. Eric looked at the man intensely, The man seemed to just find any pain from the enormous lab’s bite, and began to wrap something around it, it was so dirty Eric was not sure if it was a rag, or actual dirt, to stop the blood release. Eric took this time, and made a bee line to his dog. She was only knocked out, not dead. Hopefully she would wake up, because Eric was not strong enough to carry her and run away.

There should be a period between “intensely” and “the man.”

There should also be a period between “around it,” and “it was so dirty,” which should then give you, “began to wrap something around it. It was so dirty that Eric was not sure…” and move “to stop the blood release” next to “to wrap something around it,” giving you, “to wrap something around it to stop the blood release.”

“Why not? Cause of the dog? Coco knows the way home. And what will an old fart like you do to me? Make me your house slave for a week, yeah real scary,” Eric said, trying to sound confident, but falling. His voice still was frail and hesitant.

“Make me your house slave for a week? Yeah, real scary.”

Failing, not falling.

“Yeah that’s not going to work. I’m not five anymore, my dad’s fine,” I said and gripped my long chunk of wood tight.

“I’m not five anymore. My dad’s fine,” Eric said, and gripped the long chunk of wood tightly.

“And how would you know?” he man asked.

The man.

“Because I saw him last night. And if anything happened, my mom would have called me right away,” Eric said

A period after “said.”

“Oh but this is no lie. For you see that man you call a father, Derek right, black hair, about six feet,” Eric nodded. “Well you see, he is not your real father. Sure he may pose as him, but I know he is not. Your father asked me to get you, and you fund me luckily. My question though, is will you follow. Will you come and see your father. Or pretend like I never meet you?”

“For you see that man you call a father… Derek, right? Black hair, about six feet?”
“Sure, he may pose as your father, but I know he isn’t. Your father asked me to get you, and you found me, luckily. My question, though, is will you follow? Will you come and see your father? Or pretend like I never met you?”

Eric gulped. No way he would go with this guy, but maybe he could use this, so long as he stayed cool, to figure out who the heck the guy was. Calling upon a few years of high school drama class, and some calming exercises his mother had taught him during a health kick, he looked at the man and said. “My…dad…my dad is Derek, and I don’t care what you-“He stopped, sobbing.

“No way would he go with this guy, but maybe he could use this, so long as he stayed cool, to figure out who the heck this guy was.” What is “this?” The stick?

“My dad… my dad is Derek, and I don’t care what you…” He stopped, sobbing.”

“What is it?” asked the mystery man, taken aback.

Mysterious.

“Well…” I said faking grief. “I always new Derek wasn’t my real dad; it was just something about him. But I can’t just take off, he has been a father to me, and I care about him. Plus I don’t even know you. Maybe you could tell me some things.”

“Well…” Eric said, faking grief.”

“But I can’t just take off. He has been like a father to me, and I care about him.” Well, YEAH, he’s been like a father to Eric. You already said that. Take that part out. It’s repetitive.

The man scuffled, and sighed. “Very well. I am Lucifer, Luke to some people. And I bet you want to know how I know you. See I know your father, he and I are good friends. He has to leave you when you were only a young boy; your mother divorced him, for he was your father by pure mistake. Derek was her boy friend before you came along. They had had a fight, your mother and Drake, and she was mad. She meet your father, and when you came along they rushed the marriage, and then Derek came back, ruined the whole thing. Since then your father and I have traveled the world. Moving from place to place. Coming to see you sometimes, but never for too long.”

“See, I know you father. He and I are good friends. He had to leave you when you were only a young boy. Your mother divorced him, because he was your father by pure mistake. Derek was her boyfriend before you came along. They had a fight, your mother and Drake, and she was angry. She met your father, and when you came along they rushed to get married. Then Derek came back and ruined the whole thing. Since then, your father and I have traveled the world, moving from place to place, often coming to see you, but never for too long.”

Sometimes the words you use make the phrases sound childish and immature. You should work on building your vocabulary.

Eric looked stunned. He had just been given and enormous load, and an obscene one. Why should he believe a word this man said? Truth be told, Eric did not know, but he felt like it was truth. Weather it be because it was the truth, or this man was a good liar, it did not matter. His next question was simple.

“Eric was stunned. He had just been given an enormous and obscene load. Why should he believe a word the man had said?”

“Whether it be because it was the truth, or the man was a good liar, it didn’t matter.”

“Can I meet him?” Eric asked.

“Why of course son,” Another voice said, and Eric turned to see a man in the shadows. The man was leaning on a cane, and right after he hacked out the words, with some blood in a cough, his legs gave way, the can slipped from his grip, and he fell to the forest floor.

“Why of course, son,” another voice said, and Eric turned to see a man in the shadows. The man was leaning on a cane, and right after he spoke, he coughed up some blood and his legs gave out. The can slipped from his grip and he fell to the forest floor.”


General comments -

Overall, it was only alright. The story didn't seem to have a real plot to it, and the characters weren't very developed, albeit it was a short piece. I found Eric very annoying and immature and "Lucifer" even more. I also saw that you mentioned it was for a "werewolf" contest. There is no mention of a werewolf anywhere in this (unless I looked over it), so I would attempt to fix that problem if I were you.