Dark Day Dreams

I wrote this for the writing club in my school, conducted by fragile_heart(!).
Hope you like it!

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I looked out the window for an escape. It was a crisp Autumn day; my favourite. The intense sunrays of summer weren't beating down on the bare pigments of skin on my face nor were the bitter winds of winter thrusting against the lose strands of my crimson, dark red hair.

The sky was perfect. Not empty making me fell abandoned nor was it stuffed with clouds making me feel claustrophobic. The sky seemed as if a painter swiped his delicate hand and brushed it along the clouds, in long delicate strokes. The trees standing tall, like Greek soldiers in preparation for war. Holding on with dear life to the remaining leaves before descending into Mother Nature's deep sleep.

Suddenly, I felt as if I emerged from the window and became part of the scenery. While crunching a descended leaf in my pen ink stained hand, I tilted my head back ever so slightly to the falling sun and closed my eyes before it reached the destination of the horizon. It's peaceful to see the array of reds and pinks behind shut eyelids. I breathed in slowly, listening to the sway of the trees. My ears are delighted with the buzz of bees, the chirp of bees... and the annoying shrill of the school bell.

I had to make my way back to the opposite side of the window, only to blankly stare out it again. I picked up my feet and shuffled slowly back to my class line, filled with plastic Barbies in Hollister and overly muscular jocks. I knew I would be late, but I could handle another daily lecture. I knew I would get one even if I were on time.

Just then I froze dead in my tracks. I could quite possibly be temporarily crazy, but I swear I heard it. Then again. This time a soft whisper as if they were closer. I spun around rapidly out of fear, expecting to see a disfigured monster with barred fangs, but was satisfied with the rickety old back stop.

This time it hit me hard. Various screeches and screams coming from virtually no where. Thrusting me involuntarily down to the ground, smashing my knees to the hard, cold earth. This excruciatingly high voice chilled me to by bones, for I heard it say my name. I wasn't sure, I listened harder. Trying for the life left in me to decode this unknown language. I was sucked down and went down into a endless black hole.

Suddenly, I was looking through the window. It wasn't translucent, like always, but filled with black smoke like substance. Clearer, I heard my name a second time. The deep dark soul within me knew what was calling... the darkness was trying to enter though the window!

"Ryley!" it shrilled
"Oh, sorry Miss. Was I asleep again?"

Hey GoodToGo, welcome to YWS!

Nitpicks/Things to point out:

GoodToGo wrote:I looked out the window for an escape.

Really good opening line, it's very intriguing.

GoodToGo wrote:Not empty making me fell abandoned nor was it stuffed with clouds making me feel claustrophobic.

The underlined portion didn't make sense to me. Perhaps a comma after 'empty'?

GoodToGo wrote: The trees standing tall, like Greek ((Greek-like)) soldiers in preparation for war.

GoodToGo wrote:While crunching a descended leaf in my [s]pen[/s] ink stained hand,

Characters:
This wasn't really a character-driven story, and that's fine. I still felt pretty connected to your MC. They had a strong voice and strong imaginative skills.

Overall:
Good concept and idea. You described things really well and there were a lot of great metaphors and what not. Some parts got a little overboard with this though, I thought, and it was slightly hard to follow, but overall it was really good.
I didn't like the ending. It just seemed kind of lame and just there like 'oh crap, I'm about to go over my word count, better slap an ending on'.

That's all, if you haven't already, I would recommend introducing yourself over in the Welcome thread.

-Carly

I'll review as I go, alright? :]

GoodToGo wrote:I looked out the window for an escape. It was a crisp Autumn day; my favourite. The intense sunrays of summer weren't beating down on the bare pigments of skin on my face comma nor were the bitter winds of winter thrusting against the lose strands of my crimson, dark red hair.

The sky was perfect. Not empty comma making me fell abandoned comma nor was it stuffed with clouds comma making me feel claustrophobic. The sky seemed as if a painter swiped his delicate hand I don't like the word 'delicate' here. you use it to describe a man's hand, and those really don't go together well for me. Try skillful or precise. and brushed it along the clouds, in long delicate strokes. The trees standing tall, like Greek soldiers in preparation for war. I love this line. Holding on with dear life to the remaining leaves before descending into Mother Nature's deep sleep. This last sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Suddenly, I felt as if I emerged from the window and became part of the scenery. While crunching a descended leaf in my [s]pen[/s] ink stained hand, I tilted my head back ever so slightly to the falling sun and closed my eyes before it reached the destination of the horizon. It's peaceful to see the array of reds and pinks behind shut eyelids. I breathed in slowly, listening to the sway of the trees. My ears [s]are [/s]delighted with the buzz of bees, the chirp of bees I think you mean birds... and the annoying shrill of the school bell.

I had to make my way back to the opposite side of the window, only to blankly stare out it again. I don't understand this. I picked up my feet and shuffled slowly back to my class line, filled with plastic Barbies in Hollister and overly muscular jocks. I knew I would be late, but I could handle another daily lecture. I knew I would get one even if I were on time. I think you could reword these last two sentences to make it not as confusing.

Just then I froze dead in my tracks. I could quite possibly be temporarily crazy Does this sound good to you? , but I swear I heard it. Then again. This time a soft whisper as if they were closer. I spun around rapidly out of fear, expecting to see a disfigured monster with barred fangs, but was satisfied with the rickety old back stop. I'm confused again.

This time it hit me hard. Various screeches and screams coming from virtually no where. Thrusting me involuntarily down to the ground, smashing my knees to the hard, cold earth. This excruciatingly high voice chilled me to by bones, for I heard it say my name. I wasn't sure, I listened harder. Trying for the life left in me to decode this unknown language. I was sucked down and went down into a endless black hole.

Suddenly, I was looking through the window. It wasn't translucent, like always, but filled with black smoke like substance. Clearer, I heard my name a second time. The deep dark soul within me knew what was calling... the darkness was trying to enter though the window!
You have very pretty imagery in these two paragraphs, but it really doesn't make much sense. I think that's a main problem with you. The purpose of writing is to communicate and to make it pretty, you have the pretty but not so much the communication. Try to balance them.

"Ryley!" it shrilled
"Oh, sorry Miss. Was I asleep again?"

I like the ending, how it ties everything together. Nice job with that.
I liked this piece. You've got the makings to be really really good.
Keep working at it hon.

lovee,
jade.

Hi GoodToGo! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I could tell what the protagonist of this story was going to be like in the first paragraph of the story. Second sentence, in fact. Though I have to applaud you for finding a way to describe your main character without it being an obvious description dump, and with only limiting it to skin and hair color, I have to say that this is somewhat cliche. I'm not saying you have to change your main character, but you might want to wait a bit before letting us know she's going to be a social outcast.

There's an abrupt jump between the second and third paragraphs. You need to set the scene, let us know where your main character is at the beginning, before you can start moving her around. You'll just confuse your readers otherwise.

filled with plastic Barbies in Hollister and overly muscular jocks

Get rid of this. It reeks of cliche.

This excruciatingly high voice chilled me to by bones, for I heard it say my name.

Typo there. That should me my.

Also, I'm noticing where you're starting a lot of sentences with verbs, like trying or holding. This is something you want to avoid. It makes your writing look weak.

That's about all that I can see here. This premise does have a lot going for it. You just need to work on the writing that surrounds it, to bring it to its full potential. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice