Chapter 1 - The Stranger

Marissa Coolridge sat in her car, tightening her cleats, it was the last soccer game of the year.

"I hope you make a goal today, honey!" Her mother said, smiling.
"Me too." Marrissa replied, nervous.

Marissa and her mother got to Williamson's Soccer Field early, like always.
She saw her best friend, Meghan dribbling the ball to the goal.
"Meghan!" Marrissa shouted, running to the field.
As she ran, she could hear her mother wishing her good luck.

"Hey Marrissa!" Meghan said passing the ball to Marissa.
"Hey." Marrissa replied shooting at the goal.
"Why weren't you at Brent's party last night?" Meghan asked, flipping her blond hair.
"My dad came home. I wanted to spend time with him." Marrissa replied.
Changing the subject, Meghan quickly said, "You want to come over after the game?"
"Yeah, Sure. " replied Marrissa happily. She was about sick of being home all the time.

The referee shouted, "Line Up!"

All fourteen girls lined up on the goal line.

"Alright! Tap your shin guards, please."

The girls bent over and started patting their shin guards. \

"Thank you, now put one foot in the air."

Meghan grabbed Marrissa's shoulder to keep her balance.

"Alright, let's start. Pick your captains."

Their coach pointed to Gabriella and Lindsey, the best girls on the team.
They smiled and went to the half line.

The game seemed to last forever, Marrissa and Meghan were centers for three quarters, then the coach put Marrissa on the bench and Meghan played fullback.
Marrissa was lucky to play three quarters, the coach usually puts her only in for one.

Marrissa smiled as Meghan kicked it up to Gabriella, putting it right into the goal.
She cheered, but secretly wished that she was in and Meghan was out for this quarter.

By the end of the game, Marrissa's soccer team won, 9 - 4.

Marrissa congragulated Meghan for the kick to Gabriella and ran over to where her mother was sitting to ask her about going to spend the night at Meghan's.
"Yeah Marrissa. Just call when you want me to pick you up, okay?"
She nodded her head and smiled.
"Alright, have fun. Stay out of trouble, I love you."
Marrissa gave her mother a peck on her cheek and walked over to Meghan's car, where she was waiting.
"Are you aloud?"
"Yeah."
"Cool. We can walk around town tonight. There's someone I want you to meet."

Hello!

Notice how almost all the paragraphs of the chapter are one-liners? Well, those do get the plot across – the reader knows what’s happening, there’s a setting and we know who and what the characters are doing. But build around that. Layer – add descriptions. How does Marissa (pretty name, by the way) look like, how does her friend look like? How does the setting look like – the field. Expand the emotion tags (of the e.g. “Marissa replied, nervous”). So, build around the dialogue:

“Hello,” she said.
“Hello?” she asked.
“Hello!” she yelled.
“Hello.” She turned around.

Cheers,
Esme

Nitpicks/Things to point out:

JordanEmert wrote:"Me too." Marrissa replied, nervous.

I like how you spell Marrissa

JordanEmert wrote:
The referee shouted, "Line Up!"

All fourteen girls lined up on the goal line.

"Alright! Tap your shin guards, please."

The girls bent over and started patting their shin guards.

"Thank you, now put one foot in the air."

Meghan grabbed Marrissa's shoulder to keep her balance.

"Alright, let's start. Pick your captains."

Their coach pointed to Gabriella and Lindsey, the best girls on the team.
They smiled and went to the half line.

I don't know anything about soccer so this confused me. Not all of your readers will be knowledgeable in soccer so try to explain what's going on. Even though you as the writer obviously know what's happening and the MC does, just a couple of lines like 'We do this to make sure our shin guards are in place.' Or something like that.

JordanEmert wrote:The game seemed to last forever, Marrissa and Meghan were centers for three quarters, then the coach put Marrissa on the bench and Meghan played fullback.

Whoa! I want to experience this game that lasted forever.
This is telling not showing. We don't want to hear about the game, we want to see the game.

JordanEmert wrote:Marrissa congragulated ((congratulated)) Meghan

Characters:
I don't feel connected to any of your characters. The only things I know about them is their names and that they like to play soccer. Other than that, nothing. Give me some more background paragraphs. Tell me more about Marrissa's life and past. How long has she played soccer? Tell me about her relationship with her mom? Meghan? The other girls on the team? You may know them, but get us, the reader, to know them just as well.

Overall:
You are telling most of this, not showing. Don't tell us what's going on, show us. There have been several helpful threads about this on the Writing Tips board for more info.
The other big piece I can give is just expand. Tell me more. Bigger, fatter paragraphs with more descriptions would be terrif
I didn't mention this in the nitpicks and I'm too lazy to go back and change it, but that first line about how it's the last game of the season...tell me more about the season. Have they won a lot? Do they have a good team? Etc.

Don't feel discouraged! This has potential
(PM me if you have any questions or need anything!)

-Carly

Hi, I'll be reviewing this lovely piece for ya. Kay?

Alright, first off we've got these two characters, Meghan and Marissa. Both M names so it can get kinda confusing if you have a lot of dialogue, which you do. If I were you I'd change one of their names, but I know changing a characters name is always kinda like ripping off their soul, so I'd just warn you for it in the future. And really I know NOTHING about these girls. They seem normal, average, and boring. GIVE THEM LIFE. Right now, they have none, zero, zilch. They react to everything pretty much the same way, they talk the same way. They are robots with no feelings because you never gave them any.
That brings me to my second point. Description. You also have noneeeee. You have these big long chunks of dialogue, and nooo description. I don't just want to know what they said, I want to know how they said it, and how their lips moved around the words, how Marissa showed her teeth when she smiled at Meghan, how Meghan's headband made a crease in her naturally straight hair, something.
Also, you have a lot of stuff that isn't really necessary. I mean. The reader doesn't care what positions they played in the game or what Marissa's mom said exactly when she asked her if she could stay at Meghan's house, unless it's relevant to the plotline. The reader's starving for details, just ones that aren't boring.
But don't take all this to heart okay. I just want to help you.
I did like this piece a lot. It reminded me of my soccer league days, lots of sweet nostalgia there.
God, I miss it.
Haha anyway. Good story hon, keep on trucking.

lovee always,
jade.