I remember

I remember


Climbing over broken branch and unused stile,

Feet tripping on the grass.

Sun glaring down, illuminating mile,

Clay river running back.

We wandered onwards, up and up,

Gold blur dancing beside.

Until we reached the very top,

And sat staring at the sky.


Now I sit here on looming hillside,

But alone and without friend.

Now I sit here on lonely hillside,

Is this how stories end?

aww, it makes it sound like we've broken friends or I'm dead or something.

I really do love this, who knew you could write poetry eh? amazing, but maybe even more so because I understand the meaning behind so manny of the lines.

for instance "Gold blur dancing beside" that is so Lexi!

First of all, hello! Second of all, critique!

I remember... <-- I wouldn't separate this or put the ellipse there. I think it's better running into the other line. More stream of conscious that way.



Climbing over broken branch and unused style, <-- What do you mean by style?

Feet tripping on the grass. <-- A quirky adjective to describe grass might be nice here. The word "tumbly" (which isn't really a word) comes to mind, but be creative!

Sun glaring down, illuminating miles, <-- Miles is a measurement of length, lol. I think you mean area. But even then, I think that the term is too technical for the poem. Maybe something more artistic like "canvas"? I don't know! But be creative.

Clay river running back. <-- Back to where? Have fun with your description!

We wandered onwards, up and up, <-- I like the repetition here.



Gold blur dancing beside. <-- I like "blurs" (plural) here better. And what is this blur dancing beside? You need a noun there!



Until we reached the very top,

And sat staring at the sky.<-- I like the rhythm of these two lines.



Now I sit here on looming hillside,


But alone and without friend. <-- without A friend, perhaps?

Now I sit here on lonely hillside,

Is this how stories end? <-- Awww, sad yet poignant ending!

Anyway, this was a pretty piece. Just have more fun with your descriptions!

*stars*

I really love this (:
It paints a wonderful picture of hurt and (my favorite) teenage angst(yay!)
The ending is very poignant, but also a little vague...I think if you maybe went over it, just looking, you could really make it great! I also think maybe make it a little more personal to yourself, because when anyone is reading anothers work, you can always tell when some didn't quite put all there heart into it.
I'm not saying its bad! I just think it could be really great if you switched around a few things, but all in all, its very good, keep it up!

Thank you so much for your comments, please keep them coming, I am still adapting this, I write it in about 5 minutes one morning before school so I know it isn't perfect, but your comments are really helping me improve it.

Ilove this, the way you actually end each line without it becoming stiff and un-flowing (if thats a word)

It actually makes some of it sound like a lyric, (bei ng more of a lyricist than a poet i tend to read poems like that), you should try and develop it into a lyric and see where it goes.

Also i know the golden blur is Lexi but i think you need to either put

"A gold blur", which would make it correct grammar aswell as giving it boundary.

"Gold blurs" which makes it not Lexi anymore but again, sounds better

or

put a different verb for dancing. I actually love the verb you put, but you could change it or completely drop it which makes "gold blur" sound more like a noun.

I suggest the first one.

Also, another picky thing but when you put "illuminating mile", chnage it to miles or a mile or miles ahead. You can do this kind of thing sometimes but i dont think it works there.


Another suggestion: put it into present tense. It sounds more consistent with your style of poetry.

And finally (ill stop soon, i promise ) i think it needs a better title. I remember works well as a first line, but the title shoudl be different.


But i love it as it is aswell, and these are all things thast you could change, but dont have to.

Ella

XX

Hi miriam, am pretty new so you'll have to bear with me :S

I really loved this poem, its open to alot of speculation from the reader as the setting and background story. Just a quick thing, i read what EllaMercy put about the Golden blur being changed to Gold blur and that being the corrcet grammar. I'm not to sure about the right grammar but gold blur seems a little out of context if your describing somthing living. For example you could put

golden hair blowing gentley in the wind
or
gold hair blowing gentley in the wind

but the hair isn't actually gold, its out of context. Then again if the thing your describing is gold then maybe not. Sorry I have ranted about this, just being what they call on this site "a nit pick"

anyway, i think you should change it back but thats just my opinon.


xxx

nadia

Climbing over broken branch and unused style, <-- What do you mean by style?

This means a stile which gives a passageway between certain fields or places
see link for a full description VV

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stile

Hi there,
i really enjoyed reading this piece, it holds memories that i have too!

So,

Climbing over broken branch and unused stile,

Feet tripping on the grass.

Sun glaring down, illuminating mile, I don't think mile is the right word here, maybe it was one you wanted to use but it sounds like it's just there to rhyme with stile?

Clay river running back. I agree with chevy, back to where?

We wandered onwards, up and up, I love this line, it just gives me the impression of two people walking through long grass in the sun. Also, the repetition makes it even better!

Gold blur dancing beside. i don't really understand what the gold blur is. Is it someone you were walking with? it's better if you are less vague sometimes.

Until we reached the very top,

And sat staring at the sky. Great lines, they make a really clear image for me.

Now I sit here on looming hillside, "On looming hillside" doesn't really make sense, should it be "On the looming hillside"?

But alone and without friend. Again here, "without A friend"? i don't know whether you wrote it like this deliberately to fit in with the rhythm or just because you like it like that?

Now I sit here on lonely hillside, "The lonely hillside"?sorry if you meant it to be like this. Am i missing something?

Is this how stories end? Great last line, loved it.

But overall i really liked your poem, keep writing!
X