Deleted due to lack of quality

Deleted due to lack of quality

Hi huggybear. I am Conrad, and I will be reviewing your work today.

She stared in to the mirror, penetrating her own eyes, blood shot pools of brown stared back at her, bearing no emotion

That makes no grammatical sense. I know what you're trying to say, that she's looking intently into her own eyes. But you need to clean up the way in which you say it, maybe combine those two middle sections you've offset with commas. As it is, it's difficult and clunky. Readers won't like that.

That was really the only nitpick I found, mostly because it was that crucial opening sentence. As for overall stuff, I'm really going to recommend that you go back to the first rule of writing: show, don't tell. As it is, you're just telling us how horrible it is. You do attempt to show, but the last anecdote seems very out of place. You might consider working on integrating it better. Oh, and people don't get MS because of stress, so you might want to edit that so it doesn't appear like the mother's getting MS was a result of the baby's nearly choking.

Well, that's all for me. This story does have potential. You just need to work with it a little. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi there huggybear! I'll be critiquing this today!


Nitpicks;

She gazed in to the mirror for a couple minutes... and hear it comma Her sister.

You are writing this in past tense, therefore, 'hear' should be 'heard.' Don't capitalize 'her' unless if it's a proper noun, and I have a feeling that Her isn't her name.

The lollipop.

I don't think this works, because it cuts off the flow. There are some cases where things like this do work, but I don't think it's working here. Why? Well, it made me stop and go back because I missed something and that's the last thing you want. So, this sentence is unnecessary.

When she was 6 years old and her little sister was a baby, her parents had left her alone in the room with the baby and a lollipop.

six-years-old. Oo, I can see something coming.

The baby was bouncing up and down and kicked the girl in the face, the little foot leaving a scarlet mark on her cheek.

I don't really think a baby is capable of that. Maybe a toddler, but not a baby.

She was completley fine, and grew up to be a 7 year old who is so tall she fits in to Abercrombie, the girl all the boy's have a crush on and buy expensive gifts for on her birthday, the girl other kids actually tackle eachother to get to play with her.

This seems kind of rushed in a way (I know, I'm not much help). I'm sure no 7-year-old would care if they could wear Abercombie or not. I know for sure that my little brother doesn't, and he's eight. There are also a few words spelled wrong. "completely" and "each other."

But at her house, she is a nasty demon, evil in the way she beats the girl when she knows the girl will never hit her back, The way she gets her in trouble, and pretty much tortures on a daily basis.

I thought she was human, not a demon. Maybe 'she acts like a demon'?

The mom had develped MS and a drinking problem, from the time the girl was 7-11 she would tell her how she was either a freak or a bitch and how she hated her and couldnt wait for her to move out.

Is 7-11 some kind of date? Joking, but somebody else could think it's a date. I think that's her age? You should change it to something along the lines of: Since she was seven, she would...

Her siblings never got yelled at her when the mom was drinking.

Siblings, meaning she has more than one? All we've heard of is that she only has a sister, so I"m not sure if this is a typo or not, so I'm just pointing it out.

but when the girl tries to defend herself, she gets yelled at by the mom. the dad is never there because he is a workahollic.

I think workahollic has one 'l.'

The girl cocked her head so she could listen to the conversation better.

You need to describe the scene, so it wont' leave the reader hanging.

The way this house makes her feel is horrible.

You can't change from past tense to present tense - keep it at one.

Sitting at her vanity table, being alive feeling so dead....

Uhm... Weird way to end it. Doesn't make sense all that much. You can explain it more like, "She just sat there at her vanity table...' :]

Description;
You seemed to lack this. It mostly seemed more of a flash back than anything. What did the chacarters look like? What about the smells, the scene?

Just little things like, "The carpets were blue" or something is better than nothing. Description = good! :]

Overall;
I didn't feel like it had all that much emotion - you never really expressed what she was feeling. You did at the end, but that was telling. Show us her anger towards her mom and sister; she threw something. Show us that she's sad; she cried. Get it?

I want to point out something, too:

She tried to figure out what she was feeling, what she was thinking, but found nothing.

This would be a perfect time to put in feeling and thoughts, she has to feel something and has to be thinking somethings.

Oh, one more thing. You're second paragraph was way too long. Break it down. Big blobs of text can make one's desire to read it go away.

I think this has potential!

Keep writing,
Becca

Very detailed. But at certain points, I felt that there was a little bit of confusion. It seemed like you were switching your point of view from 1st to 3rd, which kind of pulled me off track.

you fail at writing

Well, kinky waffles, if you are so good at writing why do you have only 0 points. please elaborate when you say i fail.

*Locked*