The Fox and the Prince (0) - Prologue

I'm trying my hand at rendering a fairytale. This story is mainly a blending of "Tsarevich Ivan, the Fire Bird, and the Gray Wolf," "The Golden Bird," and various classical mythologies tossed in for flavoring. If you aren't familiar with either of the two fairytales, don't worry; that's what this prologue is for. :P

I would like feedback mainly on whether or not I made all the tell-y stuff interesting to read and if you were able to understand it easily. Synonyms for "golden" would also be appreciated.

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In a golden land, long ago, there were three great treasures guarded by three great kings. The first of these treasures was the Golden Steed, a prince of horses with coat of amber champagne and speed unmatched by any other mount. He and his sires had long been guarded by the house of King Alan, an old and noble line whose horsemanship was legendary throughout the golden land.
The second of these golden treasures was the great Golden Bird whose song was sweeter than the nightingale and whose beauty never ceased to enthrall. King Mael watched over this immortal avian, granting it safe haven from the avarice of the world within the confines of his ancient seat.
And the third, the greatest of all these treasures, was the Golden Tree, a magnificent apple which bore the golden fruit of the gods, once guarded by the Hesperides and Ladon, now guarded by King Valter and his three sons.
But King Valter was grown old, though he had yet to choose his successor from among his sons. And so it came to pass that when the theft of the golden apples was discovered, the King charged his two eldest sons to unmask and capture the larcenist. His youngest son the King forbade take part in this potentially dangerous endeavor.
When the two elder princes failed in espying the thief not once, nor twice, but thrice, the good King relented and allowed his youngest son to participate in the capture of the midnighter. And so it came to pass that when the two elder princes fell to slumber, the youngest alone caught sight of the raider – the Golden Bird.
It glided in upon a passing breeze, elegant and wonderful, and alighted upon a gnarled branch of the Golden Tree, blessing the crooked limb with is beauteous presence. The youngest prince could only watch in awe as the graceful bird folded its wings, each delicate feather perfect in form, the faint sighing of metal upon metal melodic in the breathless silence of the night. But as the glorious bird extended its swanlike neck towards an aureate fruit, the youngest prince was reminded of his duty and so rudely chased the magnificent creature away, startling the Golden Bird into departing sans a single tail feather.
The very next day, the youngest prince presented the gilt feather to his father as proof of his vigilance. King Valter was so taken by the beauty of the pinion that he declared then and there that whichever of his sons brought back the Golden Bird would become king.
The first to set forth was Mark, the eldest prince, and he rode out to much fanfare and anticipation of swift success. However, after nine months had passed with no sign of the eldest’s return, the second son, Edric, set forth to recover the Golden Bird and his missing brother. When yet another nine months had passed with no sign of either elder prince, the King reluctantly allowed his youngest son, Prince John, to go questing for his brothers’ fates. The Golden Bird the King forbade his sole remaining heir to seek.
And so it came to pass that two years after the theft of the first golden apple, Prince John set forth from his father’s castle with every intention of retrieving the Golden Bird.

Synonyms for golden? Sort of a strange request...
*skims story*
Ah... I see
Let's me think... Amber? Wheat/grain-colored? Tawny?
Sorry, I've got nothing.
On to the review!

Kyllorac wrote:In a golden land, long ago, there were three great treasures guarded by three great kings. The first of these treasures was the Golden Steed, a prince of horses with coat of amber champagne and speed unmatched by any other mount. He and his sires had long been guarded by the house of King Alan, an old and noble line whose horsemanship was legendary throughout the golden land.
The second of these golden treasures was the great Golden Bird whose song was sweeter than the nightingale and whose beauty never ceased to enthrall. King Mael watched over this immortal avian, granting it safe haven from the avarice of the world within the confines of his ancient seat.
And the third, the greatest of all these treasures, was the Golden Tree, a magnificent apple (I think you need to add "tree" here?) which bore the golden fruit of the gods, once guarded by the Hesperides and Ladon, now guarded by King Valter and his three sons.
But King Valter was grown old (perhaps you mean "had grown old" or "was growing old"?), though he had yet to choose his successor from among his sons. And so it came to pass that when the theft of the golden apples was discovered, (you should end the sentence here and start a new one) the King charged his two eldest sons to unmask and capture the larcenist. His youngest son the King forbade take part in this potentially dangerous endeavor.
When the two elder princes failed in espying the thief not once, nor twice, but thrice, the good King relented and allowed his youngest son to participate in the capture of the midnighter. And so it came to pass that when the two elder princes fell to slumber, the youngest alone caught sight of the raider – the Golden Bird.
It glided in upon a passing breeze, elegant and wonderful, and alighted upon a gnarled branch of the Golden Tree, blessing the crooked limb with is beauteous presence. The youngest prince could only watch in awe as the graceful bird folded its wings, each delicate feather perfect in form, the faint sighing of metal upon metal melodic in the breathless silence of the night. But as the glorious bird extended its swanlike neck towards an aureate fruit, the youngest prince was reminded of his duty and so rudely chased the magnificent creature away, startling the Golden Bird into departing sans a single tail feather.
The very next day, the youngest prince presented the gilt feather to his father as proof of his vigilance. King Valter was so taken by the beauty of the pinion that he declared then and there that whosoever (Maybe you mean "whichever"?) of his sons brought back the Golden Bird would become king.
The first to set forth was Mark, the eldest prince, and he rode out to much fanfare and anticipation of swift success. However, after nine months had passed with no sign of the eldest’s return, the second son, Edric, set forth to recover the Golden Bird and his missing brother. When yet another nine months had passed with no sign of either elder prince, the King reluctantly allowed his youngest son, Prince John, to go questing for his brothers’ fates. The Golden Bird the King forbade his sole remaining heir to seek.
And so it came to pass that two years after the theft of the first golden apple, Prince John set forth from his father’s castle with every intention of retrieving the Golden Bird.

I liked it. I am rather familiar with the story (for some strange reason, as I do not remember reading it) and like the idea of retelling it. I noticed that you used the phrase "set forth" a few times, but other than that I really enjoyed it!
~Lydia

Hi Kyllorac! Juniper here!

Synonyms for golden? Hmm... I would suggest dandelion, but that seems too flowery and not suited to this story. I hate sending people to thesaurus's when I can definitely help if I turn the gears of my brain, but for the sake of saving you some confusion...

http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/golden

Anyway! As for the story!

I don't have much to say on it. I think it was well written-- I like that it's in a story-telling verse story-showing, really gives a more fairy-tale-like atmosphere to this.

I am definitely going to follow along with this if you choose to post the next part, so, would you mind PMing me if you do so?

Thanks!

(gold star)

Juniper

Thanks for the feedback you two. :3

@spring - I already used that site, but they don't have many synonyms for the color or made of gold golden, which is the type of golden I need. XD

was the Golden Tree, a magnificent apple (I think you need to add "tree" here?)

I think not as it would be redundant. Also, it's common to refer to a tree by its species (ie. an oak, an ash, a maple, etc.) and just drop the "tree" bit.

perhaps you mean "had grown old" or "was growing old"?

Nope. I meant "was grown." It's the archaic form of "had grown" which I used to enhance the fairytale flavor.

Maybe you mean "whichever"?

I meant "whosoever," but "whichever" works better. I'll be changing that.

Awesome story! I love it and I'll be waiting for more

Other words for golden/gold? Um... Ember, as beautiful and glowing as the Sun? I really have nothing... But, I like the repeat of golden throughout the story, it makes it sound like an old tale told in the Dark Ages.

Keep writing this! (or I'll find you) *I kid, I kid!* XD

Anyway...

No spelling or grammar mistakes (although I can't spell myself) and no punctuation errors! Three cheers for Kyllorac and all of that marvellous(marvelous?) stuff.

-
Will

Heya there!

I'm quite familiar with "The Golden Bird" but not the other. I can't wait to see how you rewrite everything. I'm already hooked. You write so well ^_^ Now, to the review. Sorry if I pick it apart. I have a bad habit of pointing little things out.

The first of these treasures was the Golden Steed, a prince of horses with coat of amber champagne and speed unmatched by any other mount.

The comma after "Steed" can be a period. You need to put an "a" after with.

He and his sires had long been guarded by the house of King Alan, an old and noble line whose horsemanship was legendary throughout the golden land.

Does this golden land have a name? It would reduce the rebundancy of golden and gold

The second of these golden treasures was the great Golden Bird whose song was sweeter than the nightingale and whose beauty never ceased to enthrall.

You never said the treasures were golden, just great. Also, I would replace great with noble or magnificant.

King Mael watched over this immortal avian, granting it safe haven from the avarice of the world within the confines of his ancient seat.

Put an "a" after it.

And the third, the greatest of all these treasures, was the Golden Tree, a magnificent apple which bore the golden fruit of the gods, once guarded by the Hesperides and Ladon, now guarded by King Valter and his three sons.

This is a long sentence. I would put a period after "tree". The comma after gods should be a period too.

Reword the first part to something like this to nix that and: The finally, the third and greatest of all these treasures: the Golden Tree.

But King Valter was grown old, though he had yet to choose his successor from among his sons.

Grown should be growing.

And so it came to pass that when the theft of the golden apples was discovered, the King charged his two eldest sons to unmask and capture the larcenist.

Nix the and. I love how this is worded It really gives it that fairytailish feel xD

And so it came to pass that when the two elder princes fell to slumber, the youngest alone caught sight of the raider – the Golden Bird.

You've used the bolded phrase in the sentence before. I would change that

And so it came to pass that two years after the theft of the first golden apple, Prince John set forth from his father’s castle with every intention of retrieving the Golden Bird.

Haha. And so it came to pass that you've used this phrase often xD Perhaps you can find another interesting phrase to put there. Just so you don't over use it

~~~~~

I loved how you worded everything throughout it. It's a very interesting start and I like the idea of rewritinig one of those old stories.

Sorry, no other words beside what has been mentioned for golden. But I hope my review helped you out a little.

Have any questions and when the next part is up, give me a PM.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

My first review!

I really, really like this. The telling instead of showing really gave it that fairy-tale feel. And I love your descriptions of the treasures, they're beautiful, not purple prose at all.

Someone already said this, but "and so it came to pass" is overused. I don't really like it in and of itself (it's a cliche) and you use it three times! So I'd change that.

But as the glorious bird extended its swanlike neck towards an aureate fruit, the youngest prince was reminded of his duty and so rudely chased the magnificent creature away, startling the Golden Bird into departing sans a single tail feather.

"Startling the Golden Bird into departing sans a single tail feather." That confused me a little bit. "Sans" just seems a little out-of-place in a fairy tale. I'd change it to something more like "Starling the Golden Bird into departing, leaving behind only a single shimmering tail feather."

Personally, I don't think the repetition of "golden" is redundant. Repetition is often a very poetic touch, used to link sections of the story together, add a sense of hypnosis or sleepiness, or to emphasize a point.

But since you asked for synonyms, I'll give a few anyway. How about "gilded" and "flaxen?" They have a nice majestic, fairytale-like sound.

I'll definitely keep following this tale. Keep writing!

There's the adjective gilded instead of golden.

:
was the Golden Tree, a magnificent apple (I think you need to add "tree" here?)

I think not as it would be redundant. Also, it's common to refer to a tree by its species (ie. an oak, an ash, a maple, etc.) and just drop the "tree" bit.

Quote:
perhaps you mean "had grown old" or "was growing old"?

Nope. I meant "was grown." It's the archaic form of "had grown" which I used to enhance the fairytale flavor.

Quote:
Maybe you mean "whichever"?

I meant "whosoever," but "whichever" works better. I'll be changing that. Very Happy

Great story btw. I love it. Keep on going.

Hi Kyllorac,

I was going to say gilded, but the bloke above me beat me to it. The repetition doesn't stick out much, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Even though this is all telling, it isn't too painful to read, and it goes quite smoothly. Grounding it with characters makes it easier to follow. A lot of prologues of this sort don't have much in the way of characters.

I noticed you told us Prince John's name when he went out to find his brothers, but not earlier when he's getting the bird's feather. It would be nice to know his name earlier.

I think the only area this fails - like all telling stories do, is that I couldn't remember the start by the time I was finished. It all goes by too quickly (I am usualy quite slow on the uptake though). I guess there's not much you can do to change that other than change the style.

Then again, remembering details in fairytales isn't so important, as long as you remember the moral of the story.

Are you planning to write the whole thing in a fairytale style, or just the prologue to get the background information out quickly before you start the proper story. Personally I wouldn't want to read a story that just tells for much longer than you've got here. That's just my opinion though.

Woah. Lots of reviews. o_o Thanks, everyone, for the feedback. :D

@Wilgot - Thanks for reminding me about metaphors. :D

@Meadow - "Tsarevich Ivan" is very similar to "The Golden Bird" as in they're basically the same story, though "Tsarevich Ivan" is a bit more bloody and involved. :D It's fun mixing and matching things from those two stories to come up with a new rendition.

I like my long sentences. They add to the fairytale feel, they do. :P

@Hawkie - Yeah... I need to find a substitute for "and so it came to pass..." XD "Sans" is actually a fairly old word, but I'll see if I can find another word I like with the same meaning. And thanks for the synonym suggestions. :D

@Hippie - Fear not - the rest of the story will be told normally. It would be torturous to write fairy-tale style all the intrigues and character traits I've got planned, not to mention it'd be nowhere near as entertaining to read.

I noticed you told us Prince John's name when he went out to find his brothers, but not earlier when he's getting the bird's feather. It would be nice to know his name earlier.

I had it earlier on, but it just felt so jarring to suddenly have a name pop up in the middle of the Golden Bird's paragraph, and it mucked up the flow of the other earlier sentence.

Urm... "honey coloured?" "...yellow?" huh, I really can't think of anything. Syrup coloured? Jeez, these really aren't that good, are they.
Oh well, moving on to the actual review.

not once, nor twice, but thrice

Thank you! Someone who recognises it's "twice" and not the toe-curling "two times" Thank you!

...a prince of horses with coat of amber champagne...

A little nit-pick of mine. It's insignificant, but maybe you could make it ... a coat of amber champagne

...was the Golden Tree, a magnificent apple which bore the golden fruit of the gods...

I agree that i think you should put "tree" after the apple. It makes more sense as then you're not confusing the readers by making them think you're referring to the apple and not the tree.

But King Valter was grown old,

Really think it should be had or growing old.

"Sans" I have never come across before. :S I shall have to google it, I'm afraid. Ah. "without, minus." got it. ha ha

The Golden Bird the King forbade his sole remaining heir to seek.
And so it came to pass that two years after the theft of the first golden apple, Prince John set forth from his father’s castle with every intention of retrieving the Golden Bird.

Great ending there. Definitely a page-turner.


I love this whole thing. It's most certainly like a fairy-tale well done!

Keep writing more

~EmmaJane~