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Purple Magic: Chapter 1



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Sun Mar 29, 2009 5:49 pm
LydiaB says...



Hey all! Don't be mad at me, but I just wrote the second part last night. *dodges tomatoes* I had major writers-block and I didn't do a very good job of editing the first half, but I thought I might as well post the whole thing! Thanks for reading and reviews are welcome! <3

__


Chapter 1:

Imelda wasn't alone.

Her eyes snapped open, though all she could see were the flames slowly dying in the fireplace. All of her senses were suddenly sharp. She could feel the cold floor beneath her cheek and hear how the rain had turned to sleet as it dropped heavily against the shingled roof. A sharp taste floated on her tongue, as if she had placed a metal spoon on it. Imelda listened, wondering if it had been a part of her dreams.

Then the screaming started again.

It was woman's scream. A man swore and the shrieks continued, seeming to get closer to her. She heard the man shout and all sound immediately ceased. The change was so abrupt that Imelda sat up and quickly pulled herself to her feet, her heart pounding loudly in her ears. She listened carefully for any sound and slowly wrapped her fingers around the knife that rested in her belt. She drew it, the slight sound of metal scraping against leather slicing harshly through the air. Imelda held it in front of her and waited, every muscle tense, for the next noise.

Her breath was pouring into her lungs in ragged gasps and a cold line of goosebumps ran up her spine. Her pulse jolted loudly against her eardrums and her heart throbbed in her chest. Could they hear it, too?

A man shouted on the other side of the door and the wood bent in, immediately breaking apart into hundreds of slivers that flew across the room. Imelda raised her arm to protect her face and jumped back with a yelp. She watched in horror as a man in a black cloak stepped through the open doorway. The black hood shadowed his face, but she could feel his eyes lock on her and see the shine of his teeth as he pulled back his lips into a smile.

Out of instinct, Imelda held out the knife, making sure it separated her from the intruder, her hands shaking violently. He laughed, his voice harsh and calloused, and raised his right hand in her direction.

“Surmarsi!” he yelled.

Imelda turned toward the bedroom door and was about to make a run for it when she was struck by an invisible force. Her throat constricted and she couldn't breath as the room began to swim around her. Her body was frozen in place. She felt her heart slow its beating and her thoughts start to fog as she began to shut down.

The man lowered his arm and grinned darkly. An ashen hand reached from behind him and grabbed the back of his neck, pushing him forward. He screamed as smoke floated from his cloak as another figure garbed in black glided in. The new intruder pulled the man along for several strides before releasing his neck, dropping him on the floor.

“Idiot,” the figure hissed as she pulled off her hood to reveal her long, silver hair. “You just about killed her. Parmarsi!”

Immediately, air flowed into her lungs and her body started to work again. Imelda struggled to cry out, but she couldn't make a sound. She still had no control over her arms or mouth and her legs were held in place.

“I don't know why we were assigned to fetch this... child,” she said, stepping closer to Imelda. “Though she does strike me as an interesting little mutt.”

The woman laughed and took the blade from Imelda's hand, tossing it beside the crumpled man on the floor. She thrust out her pale arm and grabbed Imelda's face with her hot hand, forcing Imelda's head to move from side to side as the woman examined her. Imelda struggled with all her might to regain control of her body and break through the hex.

“Ah, it looks as though we shall be traveling with an honorary deihher tonight,” she said to her comrade, who was beginning to pull himself off the floor and pick up the discarded knife.

Imelda didn't understand. If anyone looked like a deihher, it was the woman. Her silver hair and purple lining around her black, iris-less eyes seemed to come right out of the horror stories that ran through the town. Except that she wasn't a wolf.

The woman ran her fingers through her captive's hair, causing Imelda's scalp to tingle. She abruptly took her hand and smacked it across Imelda's face.

“Most likely a traitor's offspring. I don't know what he would want with any of that sort, past revenge. But Christopher has always had a way of choosing,” she stared at Imelda with a mixture of distain and hunger. “But if he is wrong, we could always use another Aninoid.”

“You should not refer to your superior in such casual terms,” the man said sharply, glaring at her murderously from beneath his charred hood.

The woman waved her hand dismissively and turned to face her challenger. “To call him otherwise would be to grant him respect, and since he has done little over the past years to impress me, he has earned none.”

Imelda concentrated, focusing all her energy on moving her hand. Her fingers twitched.

“The man who reawakened the art of our magics? The man whose ancestors survived our people's fall?” He growled, stepping in front of the woman and drawing his broad body up to full height.

Imelda slowly broke through her paralysis and reached her arm toward the fire poker on the floor. She hoped that she could knock out the woman with it and recover enough speed to evade the man. She knew that if she were captured again she would be worse off, but she couldn't wait for them to reveal what they were going to do with her.

“He's a coward,” the woman laughed mirthlessly. “The only reason his family survived at all is because they placed themselves before their cause. They should have all died with the failed magic user those centuries back so we could have started over without his leadership.”

Imelda's hand brushed against the metal rod.

“We would not have half the spells we have now if it wasn't for his family's survival.”

She wrapped her hand around it and began to lift it up behind her.

“You are as arrogant as he. I suppose that if he asked of you to-” a loud clattering cut the woman off when the poker fell to the floor.

The two intruders stopped and stared at Imelda. I'm dead, Imelda thought. She waited for them to say the word to freeze her heart again, forcing her body to shut down as she slowly suffocated... But it didn't happen.

“You're a slippery little snake, aren't you?” The woman said with little emotion. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment, seeming to think that their captive was no threat. “The average length of the partial immobilization spell on a non-magic user is an hour, fifty-two minutes and twenty seconds.” She opened her dark eyes and stared at Imelda. “While the average duration of the spell on a person of typical magical capabilities is approximately an hour and four minutes.”

“Did you cast the spell properly?” The man demanded.

“Of course I did, but how can this be? We can't have been here for more than twenty minutes.”

Imelda realized that they had forgotten her, for they were too busy arguing, and began quietly edging around them as fast as her stiff legs could move her. They continued to bicker, discussing things that Imelda knew nothing of, as she approached the gap where the front door used to stand. A meaty fist came down on the side of her face and she crumpled halfway through the doorway, dazed and bleeding from her split lip. Splinters dug into her arms and neck and a lump already began forming on her head as sleet rained down on her face.

“You little-”

“Calm yourself. We were sent here to take her back with us in one piece. She's just another worthless child that Christopher has taken an... interest in. But tie her up. I don't want her jumping out of the cart.”

The man stepped away from her to find something to bind her with. Imelda looked outside and noticed that the town was completely quiet. The neighbors hadn't heard the noise before. Imelda coughed up a clot of blood that had gone down her throat and took a raspy breath.

“HELP!” Imelda yelled into the night until the word faded into a frantic scream.

Thin, long fingers pressed down over her mouth, cutting off her cries and causing her lip to bleed all the more. The heat that radiated off the hands was so intense that Imelda was sure that her face was being incinerated. The woman's deep eyes filled Imelda's vision, seeming to steal all the light from the room. Imelda couldn't look away. She felt her body melt into a strange mixture of calm and raw terror.

“You're safe, child,” the woman said softly, holding Imelda's gaze in hers. “We're taking you where you belong. We are going to take care of you.”

She felt her ankles being bound, then her wrists. But that didn't matter. She was going to be taken where she belonged. They were going to take care of her.

She was lifted off the ground and carried the rest of the way out of the house into the freezing rain. A cart pulled by two horses was waiting outside. Waiting for her.

The man placed her limp body on the bundles in the cart before sitting up front to drive the horses. The woman, however, sat next to her in the back, placing a bag of items beside her. Her hood was up again, but Imelda could still see her dark, abysmal eyes whenever they looked down on her.

Imelda lay there, feeling content. There was something wrong and she knew it. Something was wrong with the way the bags below her smelled and felt, but she couldn't concentrate. Somehow, she didn't understand what was going on or remember what was going on.

What am I doing here? Imelda wondered, her thoughts suddenly too confusing and heavy to sort out. It was so much easier to just give up on trying to figure it out...

She turned her head to the side and watched the wheels as they rolled over the paved road, trying to see if she knew where she was. The path was flat and empty until they passed a motionless object. Imelda blinked. When she looked again, her vision cleared slightly and she recognized the shape as human. A woman. Black hair was sprawled around the woman's pale face and her neck was twisted at a grotesque angle. Her eyes were frozen open and glassy, looking into nothing with an expression of utter horror.

“Sarah?” Imelda gasped, staring at the mangled body of her recent guardian.

“Aroco!”

Imelda's head snapped around in time to see flames erupt around her home, quickly spreading to the rooftop and devouring the paneled walls.

“Loriato,” she heard the rasping voice of the woman from beside her.

The fire kept growing, driven by an unknown power, threatening to set the nearby buildings alight. Slowly, the color of the flames changed its color. Soon, it was a deep purple color spreading through the house, destroying everything it held. Everything Imelda had ever known. Imelda gasped, her eyes widening in realization. They were deihher flames.

Something broke inside Imelda, allowing a cold flood of realization to wash over her. These people were kidnapping her. They were destroying her home and endangering everyone she knew with an uncontrollable fire.

They had killed Sarah. They killed Sarah!

“No,” Imelda whispered, her eyes widening.

“No, no, NO!” Imelda screamed, thrashing against her bindings.

She felt the spidery hands of the woman grip her elbow. A wave of horrible sedative energy flowed into Imelda, shocking her and causing her to cry out from its sheer intensity. Imelda struggled against the woman, her bound fists smashing into her face and causing her to fall backward, breaking contact with the girl's skin. Imelda rolled to the side, hitting the side of the carriage and almost falling out.

“Sarah!” Imelda wailed.

Tears were now rolling down Imelda's cheeks, blurring her vision every few moments before she blinked them away as she stared desperately at the body of Sarah. Her heart ached for any sign of life to appear. None did.

“You little wretch.”

A hand gripped Imelda's wrist and she was forced back on top of the bundles. The hand constricted firmly around Imelda's wrist and twisted it to the side, snapping the bone. Fire raced up and down Imelda's arm. Imelda yelped and squirmed against the grasp. The woman was on top of her, pinning Imelda's bound arms with one hand and pinning her body down with the other. Imelda tried to turn away, but the woman pressed down on her stomach harder. She felt a bone snap in her side and whimpered, her face contorted in pain as sweat beaded on her forehead.

Imelda saw the form of the man turn and stand over her, something black in his hands. He raised it up and brought it crashing down on her. It collided with her head, sending a ringing sound into her ears. Something warm splattered across her face and darkness swept over her, swiftly taking her away from consciousness.

* * *

The smell of earth was heavy in Imelda's nose. There was rough cloth rubbing against her face and felt something heavy weighing down on her. Imelda attempted to open her eyes, but found that she couldn't see. Her head throbbed painfully as did her wrist and midsection. She groaned and shook her head slightly, trying to sort through her muddled thoughts.

Imelda heard the sound of footsteps from nearby and tried to call out only to receive a shooting pain in her ribs when she tried to inhale deeply. She knew that she was still in the cart, but she didn't feel it moving.

“What do you suppose they were doing all that for?” Imelda heard a voice ask. It was obviously male, but didn't belong to the cloaked man.

“I don't know. Judging by how quickly they ran off, I'm guessing nothing big,” said another male voice. “Those people just seem to have a taste for destruction.”

“Aye. We only just managed to put out the fire back there before it could spread to the other houses. We're lucky we came here when we did or there could have been a whole town full of groundies killed.”

Imelda heard the men approach the cart and felt one of the bags being pulled off her legs.

“It looks like they've been digging up graves again,” one of the men said mournfully.

Grave digging?! Imelda's pulse quickened.

“Planning on making more Aninoids, no doubt.”

The smell of dirt was suddenly unbearable. She could feel the sharp edges of the bundles' contents. The skeletons that were on top of her...

“Uh-oh. Looks like they got someone.”

Imelda felt the weight of the bags graciously being lifted off her body and winced at the sound of clattering bone when they were dropped to the ground. Finally, the last bundle was pulled away from her face. Imelda squinted her eyes, the sudden light too intense. One of the men was holding a lamp over her. She couldn't make out their faces through the black spots that dotted her vision.

“Oh my-” the man with the lamp reached out toward Imelda, who shrank back with a whimper. “She's still alive!”

The other man pushed past him and stood over Imelda. His face was tan and weather-beaten, his dark hair streaked with silver. He looked down at Imelda, his eyes filled with a warm concern that caused her chest to tighten. He was about her father's age.

“Sarah,” Imelda choked, her voice dry and barely audible. The tears came again, no less painfully than before.

“Shh...” the man whispered, placing a hand to Imelda's cheek and wiping away the moisture. “Don't worry, you're safe now.”

Imelda's eyes widened. The man brushed Imelda's hair behind her ear, placing a finger lightly on her left temple. Before she could attempt to break away, she felt something like a small spark pass between his fingertip and her skin. The last thing she saw was the man's gray eyes staring down at her.

He was a sorcerer, too.

___
Yes, this does need help :D Thanks for reading!!
Is Pat Buchanan the answer to everything in your life? If so, put "Pat Buchanan" in your signature.

If you're looking for a good fantasy story in need of help...
Purple Magic
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Sun Mar 29, 2009 9:38 pm
Storm_Bringer says...



Hiya Lydia! This story is good. I wonder why nobody else reviewed it yet. Although there isn't much to review. There were no grammer mistakes and the writing was good. A couple of things :
1) What's a deihher? You might want to tell a little about them.
2)“HELP!” Maybe italize them instead.
3) Aninoid. You might want to explain about this too.
Well, Imelda is pretty interesting. Can't wait to read more. PM me when you post more.
~Storm
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
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Wed Apr 01, 2009 12:25 am
LydiaB says...



Thanks for reviewing, Storm Bringer! I'm almost positive that all your questions will be answered in the next chapter and I'll keep what you said in mind!

-Lydia <3
Is Pat Buchanan the answer to everything in your life? If so, put "Pat Buchanan" in your signature.

If you're looking for a good fantasy story in need of help...
Purple Magic
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Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:21 am
MagnusBane says...



All right, here goes...


Imelda wasn't alone.


Good beginning. It really got my attention.

Imelda listened, wondering if it had been a part of her dreams.


Wondering if what had been part of her dreams? You should say something like "the sound" instead of something as general as it. That way, your reader doesn't get confused.

It was woman's scream.


You mean, "a woman's," right?

A man swore and the shrieks continued, seeming to get closer to her.


Closer to who? The screaming lady or Imelda?

She drew it, the slight sound of metal scraping against leather slicing harshly through the air.


This just seems like the wrong description here. Why would a "slight" sound "slice" through the air? That description just totally goes against the word "slight."

Her pulse jolted loudly against her eardrums and her heart throbbed in her chest. Could they hear it, too?


This is a bit vague. Who do you mean by "they"? The screaming woman and the man? Or someone else?

A man shouted on the other side of the door


Is shouting the only thing this guy does? This is the second or third time you've said that he "shouted." Can't he yell or something instead? No offense, but that description is starting to get old.

Imelda raised her arm to protect her face and jumped back with a yelp. She watched in horror as a man in a black cloak stepped through the open doorway


How can she "watch in horror" if her arm's across her face? And a man in a black cloak? That's like your classic evil villain right there. What story doesn't have a guy in a black cloak? A more unique description might help this character stand out more in my mind.

Her throat constricted and she couldn't breath


Breathe, I think you mean?

Immediately, air flowed into her lungs and her body started to work again.


Who's lungs? Imelda or the new intruder? Make sure you specify and don't jump around or your readers will get confused.

“I don't know why we were assigned to fetch this... child,” she said, stepping closer to Imelda.


Who? The newcomer or Imelda? You just skipped around again without specifying.

“Ah, it looks as though we shall be traveling with an honorary deihher tonight,”


What's this? Is this meant to be an insult, or that what Imelda actually is?

Her silver hair and purple lining around her black, iris-less eyes seemed to come right out of the horror stories that ran through the town.


Ooh, good description of the eyes. But shouldn't there be a "the" in between "and" and "purple lining"?

She wrapped her hand around it and began to lift it up behind her.


"It" is so vague. You should say "the rod" or something instead so that your reader doesn't get confused.

“You're a slippery little snake, aren't you?” The woman said with little emotion.


"The" shouldn't be capitalized here.

“Did you cast the spell properly?” The man demanded.


The second "the" should also not be capitalized here.

“Calm yourself. We were sent here to take her back with us in one piece. She's just another worthless child that Christopher has taken an... interest in. But tie her up. I don't want her jumping out of the cart.”


Who said this?

She felt her ankles being bound, then her wrists. But that didn't matter. She was going to be taken where she belonged. They were going to take care of her.


Are we talking about Imelda or the lady here? You just skipped around again without specifying. If you keep throwing around "she" and "it" so much, your readers aren't going to know what's going on.

The man placed her limp body on the bundles in the cart before sitting up front to drive the horses. The woman, however,


You may not have noticed this, but everything's "the man this" and "the woman that". If you gave these people names, the story would be so much more easy to follow. I'm getting confused, and I bet your readers would be too.



Wow, this is a long story. I'm going to have to tear myself away from the computer and finish reviewing the rest tomorrow, when I'm not about to keel over from exhaustion. So far, I like it! It's got a good fantasy feel, and I really want to find out why these people are kidnapping Imelda. And Imelda seems like a really interesting character. A bit rash and reckless, but that just makes me like her even more.


Okay, I finished the other half...

“Sarah?” Imelda gasped, staring at the mangled body of her recent guardian.


Who's Sarah? (Well, besides her guardian). Why do you suddenly bring her into the story now? I think it would be better if you had at least mentioned her earlier on, instead of just randomly sticking her body in now.

“Aroco!”


Who says this?

They were deihher flames.


What? This is the second time you've used the "deihher" word, and I still don't know what it means.

They had killed Sarah. They killed Sarah!


Yes, I got this when you said "the mangled body of Sarah." Didn't Imelda realize that Sarah was dead a few paragraphs back?

“No,” Imelda whispered, her eyes widening.

“No, no, NO!” Imelda screamed, thrashing against her bindings.


You shouldn't indent between these two lines. The same person is saying both of them, so they should go together. Plus, it makes the story feel choppy and ruins the flow. It would be much better if you combined the two sentences, maybe like this:

"No," Imelda whispered, her eyes widening. "No, no, NO!" Her voice rose to a scream and she began to thrash against her bindings.

She felt the spidery hands of the woman grip her elbow. A wave of horrible sedative energy flowed into Imelda, shocking her and causing her to cry out from its sheer intensity.


Isn't something that's "sedative" supposed to be calming, not shocking? Maybe you should think of another, more appropriate adjective for this sentence.

Imelda struggled against the woman, her bound fists smashing into her face and causing her to fall backward, breaking contact with the girl's skin.


This sentence is a run on. You should try to divide it into two sentences.

“You little wretch.”


Who said this?

Imelda heard the sound of footsteps from nearby and tried to call out only to receive a shooting pain in her ribs when she tried to inhale deeply.


This sentence is a run on as well.

She knew that she was still in the cart


How? Show, don't tell.

“Planning on making more Aninoids, no doubt.”


What's an "Aninoid"?
He was a sorcerer, too.


This line confused me. What do you mean by "too"?


Nice ending. It's a good cliff hanger. I can't wait to read more! :D
Last edited by MagnusBane on Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:03 am
ofir says...



NICE. I really really like it!!
okay, time for reviews!
I personally think she should be in a little more pain when the guys find her, depending on how much time had passed, and why did the two bad guys leave anyways?
I still sort of don't know in what world she is, you know? or why the bones were there for example.
How does she know they would come, and choose to pick up the silver knife?
when they say the word traitor she should think about her family, don't you think? son of a traitor, is the words they said I think, so shouldn't she think about her parents?
You should've told more about Sarah from the begining, she should think about her when they catch her for the first time in my opinion. but htat's just my opinion.
awesome writting!!
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow
  





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Wed Apr 01, 2009 4:11 pm
Moriah Leila says...



You did really good improving that first part. I saw that you took some of my suggestions. I really found nothing wrong in the first part so I am going to start my critique on the second part that you added.


The smell of earth was heavy in Imelda's nose. There was rough cloth rubbing against her face and felt something heavy weighing down on her. Imelda attempted to open her eyes, but found that she couldn't see. Her head throbbed painfully as did her wrist and midsection. She groaned and shook her head slightly, trying to sort through her muddled thoughts.


I love this description, very vivid. Just remember that while it is good to add a lot of description using all five senses, don't take it overboard. Sometimes the best way to describe something is very simply.

Imelda heard the sound of footsteps from nearby and tried to call out only to receive a shooting pain in her ribs when she tried to inhale deeply.


This is a horribly long run-on sentence. See if you can't shorten it a bit or seperate it into two sentences. For example:
Imelda heard the sound of footsteps. She tried to call out, only to receive a shooting pain in her ribs.


“It looks like they've been digging up graves again,” one of the men said mournfully.


Mournfully? I suppose I would be mournful if someone dug up my loved one, but if I didn't know whose body it was I'd probably be more disgusted or revolted than mournful. Just something to consider.

Imelda's eyes widened. The man brushed Imelda's hair behind her ear, placing a finger lightly on her left temple. Before she could attempt to break away, she felt something like a small spark pass between his fingertip and her skin. The last thing she saw was the man's gray eyes staring down at her.

[s]He was a sorcerer, too.[/s]


I think you should get rid of this last sentence for the ending. It is more of a cliff hanger and you can tell us in the next chapter (preferably in dialouge so it isn't so telling) that he is a sorcerer.

Overall: I felt the character and setting development was good. I certainly enjoyed reading this piece and I am curious to see what happens next. You are very good with your descriptions. THe only thing that I am curious about is why the two kidnappers just ran off all of a sudden? Did someone or something scare them off? If something was that frightening to scare them off then where is it or where did it go? WOuldn't it frighten Imelda as well? I am just wondering why they abandoned her so close to her home. Other than that I think you did very well here. There were several grammar errors I noticed, but since I am not very strong in grammar myself, I really didn't think I was qualified to point them out. Check out these [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticles.php?f=151]
articles[/url], they have been very helpful to me with my grammar. I can't wait to read more!!!
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Fri Apr 03, 2009 12:16 am
the_bronze_pen says...



I totally agree with Storm_Bringer. What is a deihher? That part really did confuse me.
  





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Sun Apr 05, 2009 3:07 pm
Mira says...



Hi! Sorry about the long wait, but with sickness comes no computer time and you know how that works out. ^-^ Anyway, to the review!

I really liked this; I'd have to say this was better than the original. I couldn't find any errors really, but that's probably because everyone else got here first. :)

Overall:
Character and plot development was way up there, so good job. ^-^ *two thumbs up* Your sentence structure was good and I was really into the story. Just a few gramatical errors, like others have said, but overall, totally amazing job. Keep it up and PM me when the next segment of the story is posted.

@;~ Saph
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Sun Apr 05, 2009 4:13 pm
WhiteTiger93 says...



I actually like this. Fantasy fiction is my favorite type of writing and I'm very picky, but I would read this. It's interesting and leaves you waiting for the next part. I can't wait until you put more up. :D
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

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