The Night of Forever

Alright, so I was looking at my old stuff from back in middle. Keep in mind this is is almost four years old, and a bit on the nonsensical side. I made this when I was suffering from bad insomnia back in (8th? 7th?) grade. I'm not much of a poetry writer, in fact I prefer writing fiction so much more, but I might as well post this since I don't have anything else here. Rated R for the cussing.

The night of forever.

I could turn on the light box. The prince would be looking at me.
Fresh as always, solving problems that could be solved in half an hour.
A fake reality.


Or a real one. How can anyone say anything is fake when it exists?
Can you be sure you're not fake?
I'll answer for you.
Yes.

Are these words even worth it?

The droning sounds plays again and again. It's not the same 926 times. Then it is again. Much like a record, but too far off.
It's haunting.
But not scary. It reads in my mind every time. Yours too. I've memorized it.

Were they wrong?

The light can help get darkness. Which is what I want.
What I need.
What I desire.
Praying won't help.
God considers such matters fruitless.

He calls to me, man. Inside me.

You don't. You would not like to think something about yourself is pointless.
When looking at other people it is.
You can only talk as if they're whining.
Which is exactly what you're thinking right now.

I can see a man.

Insomnia is too light of a word.
Fucking hell is more like it.
Or inner peace.
Thinking helps you. Humans are all selfish. Not stay awake. Still helps.

Those sons of bitches.

The perfect environment makes no difference.
It's all a fake reality anyway.
Nobody likes to go there.
We all are though.

Those of us that aren't fake anyway. Those of us who fiction has engulfed.

I hope to dream forever. It takes less than a minute.

Your verses are loooong and uneven. I'd break them up so that theyre about the same length. Organizing the stanzas also, could help it a bit. Wrap this thing up, square it off. It's scattered all over the page.

Your words and style convey your... contempt/agony well. Its a good example of a troubled/angry mind, and pretty good for 7th or 8th grade. Keep writing.

i really like this, the use of swearing seemed almost appropriate here.

Hey Adam! Juniper here!

I told you I'd review this. And, just a little note; you misspelled poem in your subtitle. Peom should really be poem. *is nitpicky*

Speaking of nitpicky! Nitpicky is exactly what I'll be in this [s]review[/s] critique. Let the fun begin!

Or a real one. How can anyone say anything is fake when it exists?

Can you be sure you're not fake?

I'll answer for you.

Yes.

Second stanza!

• Second line -- I don't like the idea too much of raising a question at this point. Perhaps if this was rewritten to be less of a question or more wordy, then it would fit the poem more? We've also got some close repetition of "fake" here (I'm not nitpicky about repetition, really. xD) and I feel that if you replaced either of these "fake"s with a synonym, we'd have a much cooler, more substantial flow going on here.

I do terribly enjoy this stanza though, especially the ending.

The light can help get darkness. Which is what I want.

What I need.

What I desire.

Praying won't help.

God considers such matters fruitless.

So this!

• I'm not so sure I like the usage of "Get". It sounds really improper here, like, "I can help get the dogs home". It's fine to use in speech, but in this type of writing, it stands out as awkward much? Yeah.

So! I would suggest changing "Get" for "bring", dear. It sounds a lot more proper and also more suited to the poem.

Also, this stanza is brilliant-- the last line is my favorite, dear.

Thinking helps you. Humans are all selfish. Not stay awake. Still helps.

Mmkay, dear, this kind of confuzzles me. I'm not sure if you meant "None stay awake" or intentionally wanted that to be "Not"?


- - -- - - - -

Moving on!

I love this, Adam, and next time I hear you talking about how horrible a decent piece is, I shall have to find some form of virtual punishment for you (making you do 10 reviews in a day sounds strangely appealing!).


I love the choppy style of the lines! Great work with that, it really added to the atmosphere of the poem. We can sense this character's frustration with lack of sleep (or at least I can... obviously... I'm an insomniac myself).

And the swearing-- (by the way, thanks for rating this properly! xD) -- at first, I wasn't sure what to expect, and was almost feeling as if I wouldn't quite like the positioning of it. Like, wasn't sure if it would have been mindless/out-of-place swearing, but it wasn't. It truly suited the poem, and added to the feel of frustration.

Amazing job here, dear. =] I really like this, it's way better than anything I could ever scrape up.


Juniper

(gold star, btw)

Actawesome wrote:Alright, so I was looking at my old stuff from back in middle. Keep in mind this is is almost four years old, and a bit on the nonsensical side. I made this when I was suffering from bad insomnia back in (8th? 7th?) grade. I'm not much of a poetry writer, in fact I prefer writing fiction so much more, but I might as well post this since I don't have anything else here. Rated R for the cussing.

Alright, Actawesome. Here's my review

Actawesome wrote:The night of forever.

First off, I want to make a little comment on your title. It seems a little chilidish. I mean, I had really really bad insomina starting in like 5th grade. I still do. I wouldnt call it 'The Night of forever', though. I would maybe call it something like
"Eternity of Blackness"
I dunno, you can keep your previous title, but It's just a suggestion.

Actawesome wrote:I could turn on the light box. The prince would be looking at me.

This is little part confused me a little bit. I assume by "light box" you mean "light switch"? Just say that. Also, please clarify who you mean by "The Prince". Your Father? Once you've done that, combinde these two into one sentence.

Actawesome wrote:Fresh as always, solving problems that could be solved in half an hour.
A fake reality.

Again, I don't understand what you mean by "A fake reality". Please clarify on that. Also, I think you should complete your sentences and make them a little less frangmenty. As I continued on in the poem, I noticed this alot.
I didn't understand the poem at all. So please, try to clean this up a little bit and make it mor eclear, and then i think you have a great poem.

Hey, Adam! It's James. I didn't thoroughly read what anybody else has said, so please forgive me if I repeat anything. I hope to be of at least a minuscule amount of assistance.

The night of forever.

I could turn on the light box. The prince would be looking at me.
Fresh as always, solving problems that could be solved in half an hour.
A fake reality.

I won't lie, right off the bat I have no idea what you're talking about, but I love it.

Or a real one. How can anyone say anything is fake when it exists?
Can you be sure you're not fake?
I'll answer for you.
Yes.

A very compelling point, and I was completely expecting the "Yes" to be "No". I guess you're saying whoever you're writing the poem for is convinced that they're real? That's a shame.

Are these words even worth it?

The droning sounds plays again and again. It's not the same 926 times. Then it is again. Much like a record, but too far off.
It's haunting.
But not scary. It reads in my mind every time. Yours too. I've memorized it.

Here I'm not sure whether you've "memorized" the droning sound, or the contents of the other person's mind. What is this sound, by the way? Still, the way you called it "haunting" but not "scary" was great. I think I know exactly what you mean. Also, the "926" was very effective - using something so specific and abrupt after general, somewhat vague descriptions was a little like pouring cold water on a sleeping someone. :]

Were they wrong?

The mystery is very nice, I find myself wondering what you mean a lot in this. However, going just a little bit further into it would help a lot, because I don't know who you're talking about. Still, if that's the effect you want, I understand.

The light can help get darkness. Which is what I want.
What I need.
What I desire.
Praying won't help.
God considers such matters fruitless.

I read what June wrote and basically agree 100%. The ending of this is an amazing and thought-provoking point (if you can make your readers think, you know you're doing something right). I did want to say one more thing though, something very picky. You say banishing the darkness is what you "want", "need" and then "desire". "Want" and "desire" are more closely related than "need", so I think maybe you should change the order to "want" "desire" and "need" to have better build-up, you know?

He calls to me, man. Inside me.

Again I wish to have more information here, I apologize.

You don't. You would not like to think something about yourself is pointless.
When looking at other people comma it is.
You can only talk as if they're whining.
Which is exactly what you're thinking right now.

I can see a man.

Who?

Insomnia is too light of a word.
Fucking hell is more like it.
Or inner peace.
Thinking helps you. Humans are all selfish. Not stay awake. Still helps.

The last line IS a bit confusing, but do you mean "not staying awake"?
At any rate, "Fucking hell" and "inner peace" are so unbelievably contrasting, but I liked how you explained how it could be peace ("Thinking helps you"). The swear here, I'll agree with the others, should stay. I thought it was effective.

Those sons of bitches.

Here I felt differently. My immediate thought was that you had an opportunity to really show your feelings here, and I know some of those feelings are anger or hatred (or something of that type) but sometimes not using language like that proves something even more. You could of course still keep the format, but use something way more specific to describe them. Anybody can be a son-of-a-bitch, but it takes certain people, societies or governments to have their own special little nouns. Be creative.

The perfect environment makes no difference.
It's all a fake reality anyway.
Nobody likes to go there.
We all are though.

Great little stanza thing, but the ending detracted from its overall value, in my opinion. Maybe, "But we're all here anyway" or just something a little more interesting.

Those of us that aren't fake anyway. Those of us who fiction has engulfed.

I'm perhaps being quite narrow-minded, but I fail to see how those of us who fiction has engulfed are not fake. It's quite the paradox, but if that's what you wanted, so be it. It has its literary effectiveness nonetheless.

I hope to dream forever. It takes less than a minute.

Wonderfully obscure ending. :]


All-in-all I think it has some work to be done, if you're willing, but certainly not a lot. It was a very different piece from the ones I usually read, and different was good in this case. Readers are bound to be confused, I'm sure you understood that upon writing this. I look at it this way: They are your thoughts and you aren't obligated to rephrase things in order to allow everyone inside your head.
I think the title didn't exactly match what you wrote, but unfortunately I have no alternatives in mind. :] I apologize sincerely for the pickiness, and I hope you keep writing more things like this! It was a very interesting read, especially for middle school material.

--- James

This might help a little:

Free style writing is good,but many parts of your poem sounded like you were writing prose.

You are not establishing links good enough from one stanza to other.

Concentrate your ideas and do not let them be randomly scattered.

Try to get flow and rhythm.

Give your paragraphs structure.

Get proper meaning into those extremely long lines in such a manner that it sounds poetic.

Establish focus in your poem by linking the narrator's thoughts meaningfully.


These were the plus points of the poem:

How you showed people pretend to be what they are not.

The narrator's indepth understanding of human nature.

The narrator's need to indulge in fantasy to fight the harsh reality of the real world.


Good luck with your future work.

This might help a little:

Free style writing is good,but many parts of your poem sounded like you were writing prose.

You are not establishing links good enough from one stanza to other.

Concentrate your ideas and do not let them be randomly scattered.

Try to get flow and rhythm.

Give your paragraphs structure.

Get proper meaning into those extremely long lines in such a manner that it sounds poetic.

Establish focus in your poem by linking the narrator's thoughts meaningfully.


These were the plus points of the poem:

How you showed people pretend to be what they are not.

The narrator's indepth understanding of human nature.

The narrator's need to indulge in fantasy to fight the harsh reality of the real world.


Good luck with you're future work.

O.K.Honestly, I was just confused for most of it. Some of it made sense to me and I liked the format (t'was was really cool) but i just couldnt relate with any of it. Some of the lines just seemed so random and yet there is still something i really like about this. I just want to understand it. I know this isnt very helpful but its my first review, sorry.