A story that I am writing that currently has no name Pt. 3

Hey everyone! As in my last parts, I really would aprecciate feedback. Please read my previous parts before reading this, it will save you a lot of confusion.

Chapter 3
Loren

A few hours later the men showed no sign of falling asleep, and Erik was getting impatient. The leader had force-fed the girl a drug that caused her to fall asleep. Then one of the men grew fidgety.
Finally, he exclaimed; “I’m starving! Why don’t we have some dinner?” The other men heartily agreed with him. The leader sent a man to fetch food and wine. A few moments later he came back with bags and wineskins. Over the next half an hour the men ate and drank. As time went on, they grew more and more drunk. Then one of them fell over. The other men laughed at him and continued drinking. After a while they were all on the ground snoring.
Erik knew that this was his chance. He put on his cloak and hurried out into the clearing. The girl was still asleep. He put his hand over her mouth. She woke with a start. He was glad that he had put his hand over her mouth, because he was sure she would have screamed. He cut her ropes, beckoned to her and took his hand off of her mouth. She nodded, and he turned and hurried into the woods. He heard her behind him. As soon as they were a few hundred feet into the woods he stopped.
The girl was still behind him. He turned and saw that she was looking at him quizzically.
“Who are you?” she asked.
“I'm Erik,” he said. She seemed unsatisfied with that answer; but she didn’t ask for a better explanation.
“And who are you?” asked Erik. The girl looked at him.
“I'm Loren,” she said. Erik smiled, satisfied. “We had better keep moving, they’ll be waking up soon.” He said.
Loren nodded. Erik turned and began walking, Loren right behind him. That was too easy. He thought. Then Loren stopped, an expression of fear on her face. He stopped too.
“What?” he asked. She pointed. Erik turned and saw that back in the camp the slave drivers were waking up. Erik swore. “Come on!” he said. He grabbed her hand and began to run.
“WHERE IS SHE?” “’Dunno boss, she was righ’ there a while ago.”
“FIND HER! DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU DO!”
“But boss-“
“NO BUTS! FIND HER NOW!” “Yes sir.” Erik heard someone moving through the woods behind them.
Erik swore again. “Run faster!” he said to her. She tried to pick up her speed, but she seemed incapable. “The drug” she gasped. “It’s making me so-“
“THERE SHE IS! GET HER!” Erik turned; the leader must have followed the man he sent out.
He rushed forward faster than Erik thought possible and grabbed Loren’s arm. She screamed. “SHUT UP WRETCH!” roared the leader. Then he noticed Erik. “Well what have we here?” he said, moving closer. Erik backed away. He figured that now would be a good time to run, but he didn’t. The leader grabbed him and somehow tied him up without letting go of Loren. He had obviously had a lot of practice. “Now girl, you will learn some discipline.” He said. He tied her to a tree with her back out. Erik’s stomach flipped. He shut his eyes.
Crack!
He felt his body change shape.

Morcant and Lindsay had been walking for two days and they still hadn’t gotten to Golni. Morcant was getting rather impatient. If I had gone alone I would have been there already. He thought crossly. But no matter what he thought, Lindsay wasn’t about to go back. Every time he brought it up, Lindsay would just glare at him and say; ‘If I’m going back, then you’re coming with me.’ Secretly Morcant was impressed with his sister. (He didn’t tell her that of course) The first night they were gone they had been attacked by a pack of wolves because he had left the food out. She had killed the leader, plus several more without breaking a sweat. Lindsay shook Morcant from his memories. “Oh my.” She said. Morcant looked up. They were in sight of the city of Golni. He had seen it before when he had left on his journey, so he wasn’t as impressed as she was. When they got to the gate a guard stopped them. “Name?”
“Morcant and Lindsay.”
“Reason for visit?”
“We are looking for someone.” The guard nodded and let them pass.

As soon as he had transformed Erik bit through the ropes.
Crack!
The leader was so involved in whipping Loran that he hadn’t noticed the fact that one of his captives had turned into a panther and was getting ready to kill him. He crouched to the ground, concentrating all of his energy into the center of his body. Then he sprung into the air and landed on the leader. “What the-“ He didn’t get to say anything else, as Erik tore his throat out. Erik was horrified with himself the instant his teeth touched his neck. His animal instincts that he had aquired with his abilities took over. He felt his jaw close around the mans neck. The taste of blood swept through his mouth. It wasn’t pleasant and he spat immediately.
He turned towards Loren, who had her eyes shut as tight as she could shut them. He walked over to her and cut her ropes with his claws. Then he backed away and closed his eyes. He changed much faster this time, which surprised him; he did it in half the time it normally took him. I must be getting better. He thought.
He walked over to Loren, who was trembling like a leaf. He looked at her tunic. The back was stained red and was wet. He didn’t think that she would be able to go very far with that. He touched her shoulder and she jumped. “It’s ok, it’s only me.” He said. She relaxed and turned. “How did you-“
“No time, let’s go!” he said. Loren scowled at him.
“I’ll explain later, I promise.” Loren felt the back of her tunic and winced. “I don’t think I can run. And if we walk I will only slow us down.” she said. Erik looked around. He heard the rest of the group coming their way. He groaned. “Let’s go as far as we can.” Loren nodded. Erik turned and began walking, Loren right beside him. After a few minutes Erik decided that Loren was right, she did slow them down quite a bit.
After about ten more minutes of walking Loren slipped on a rock. Instead of falling forward, (Which was preferable due to the state of her back.) She fell backwards, landing on her back. She stuffed her fist into her mouth to keep from yelling. Erik helped her up. As soon as she was on her feet she swayed. Erik grabbed her arm. “I can’t go any farther.” She said. Erik heard the rest of the group coming closer. He swore angrily. “Come on, I’ll have to carry you.”
Loren stared at him. “You’re going to carry me?” she said flatly. Erik nodded.
“You can’t, I probably weigh the same as you do!” she said.
“Well I’ll carry you as far as I can.” He replied.
Loren looked at him like he was insane. Then she heard the men behind them. “All right, let’s go.” she said. Erik helped her to climb onto his back and took off running. He was glad that he and Morcant had run so much; Loran was right, she was rather heavy, but he was fast. They ran for a few minutes and came to the clearing that Erik had woken up in. He ran across it. “Do you know which way the road is?” he asked. “It’s that way.” Replied Loren, pointing. He turned in the direction that she pointed. If I’m right we may get out of this. He thought. After a few more minutes Erik realized that he couldn’t run any more. He stopped. “We need to stop, I need rest and you need help.” He said. Loren agreed with him and slid off of his back. As soon as she hit the ground her knees buckled.
Erik caught her arm before she hit the ground. “Thanks.” She said. Erik nodded. Then he took off his pack and unrolled his blankets. Luckily he had packed an extra. He offered it to Loren, who took it. She wrapped it around herself. Erik took the other one for himself. “Where do you come from?” Loren asked. Erik smiled. “I come from a cottage to the south of Golni, in the forest of Glynn.” He replied.
“Did you have a family?”
“Yes, my Mother and Father, and my brother Morcant and sister Lindsay.”
“Are you the oldest?”
Erik laughed. “No, that would be Morcant, I am the last child.”
Loren nodded. “The same here; I am the youngest of the two of us.”
Erik looked at her. “The two of us?”
Loren nodded. “My brother was the oldest. When the slave drivers took me he followed them. Before you came he tried to rescue me, and they-“ she stopped and began to cry. “Th-they killed him.” She whispered, and broke into an onslaught of tears.
Erik felt very sorry for her. If his brother had died he would be upset too. He hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him. “You’d better get some sleep, we have a long day tomorrow.” He said. She nodded and laid down. Erik sat there until dawn, watching for danger.

Morcant was getting very discouraged. They had discovered from a cloak vendor that Erik had left Golni from the east gate just a couple of days before. After they had found that out Morcant knew where Erik was going. “He’s headed for Hindrei.” He told Lindsay. Lindsay looked at him. “Why would he go there? It’s a five day march!” she exclaimed. “It’s the closest town from here.” He reminded her. “Oh, right.” She said. “We’d better go and find him.” Said Morcant. Lindsay nodded. They thanked the vendor and headed for the east gate.

First of all, this:

A few hours later the men showed no sign of falling asleep, and Erik was getting impatient. The leader had given the girl a drug that caused her to fall asleep. Then one of the men grew fidgety. Finally, he exclaimed; “I’m starving! Why don’t we have some dinner?” The other men heartily agreed with him. The leader sent a man to fetch food and wine. A few moments later he came back with bags and wineskins. Over the next half an hour the men ate and drank. As time went on, they grew more and more drunk. Then one of them fell over. The other men laughed at him and continued drinking. After a while they were all on the ground snoring. Erik knew that this was his chance. He put on his cloak and hurried out into the clearing. The girl was still asleep. He put his hand over her mouth. She woke with a start. He was glad that he had put his hand over her mouth, because he was sure she would have screamed. He cut her ropes, beckoned to her and took his hand off of her mouth. She nodded, and he turned and hurried into the woods. He heard her behind him. As soon as they were a few hundred feet into the woods he stopped. The girl was still behind him. He turned and saw that she was looking at him quizzically. “Who are you?” she asked. “I am Erik.” He said. She seemed unsatisfied with that answer; but she didn’t ask for a better explanation. “And who are you?” asked Erik. The girl looked at him. “I am Loren.” She said. Erik smiled, satisfied. “We had better keep moving, they’ll be waking up soon.” He said. Loren nodded. Erik turned and began walking, Loren right behind him. That was too easy. He thought. Then Loren stopped, an expression of fear on her face. He stopped too. “What?” he asked. She pointed. Erik turned and saw that back in the camp the slave drivers were waking up. Erik swore. “Come on!” he said. He grabbed her hand and began to run. “WHERE IS SHE?” “’Dunno boss, she was righ’ there a while ago.”

should look like this:

A few hours later the men showed no sign of falling asleep, and Erik was getting impatient. The leader had given the girl a drug that caused her to fall asleep. Then one of the men grew fidgety.

Finally, he exclaimed, “I’m starving! Why don’t we have some dinner?” The other men heartily agreed with him. The leader sent a man to fetch food and wine. A few moments later he came back with bags and wineskins. Over the next half an hour the men ate and drank. As time went on, they grew more and more drunk. Then one of them fell over. The other men laughed at him and continued drinking. After a while they were all on the ground snoring.

Erik knew that this was his chance. He put on his cloak and hurried out into the clearing. The girl was still asleep. He put his hand over her mouth. She woke with a start. He was glad that he had put his hand over her mouth, because he was sure she would have screamed. He cut her ropes, beckoned to her and took his hand off of her mouth. She nodded, and he turned and hurried into the woods. He heard her behind him. As soon as they were a few hundred feet into the woods he stopped.

The girl was still behind him. He turned and saw that she was looking at him quizzically.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“I am Erik,” he said.

She seemed unsatisfied with that answer; but she didn’t ask for a better explanation.

“And who are you?” asked Erik. The girl looked at him.

“I am Loren,” she said.

Erik smiled, satisfied. “We had better keep moving, they’ll be waking up soon,” he said.

Loren nodded. Erik turned and began walking, Loren right behind him. That was too easy. He thought. Then Loren stopped, an expression of fear on her face. He stopped too.

“What?” he asked. She pointed. Erik turned and saw that back in the camp the slave drivers were waking up. Erik swore. “Come on!” he said. He grabbed her hand and began to run.

“WHERE IS SHE?”

“Dunno boss, she was righ’ there a while ago.”

I think you can figure out how to fix the rest of it by looking at this. And you probably need to post this in two chapters, because it's a little bit long.

But to escape from technicalities, this wasn't bad. Your grasp of story-telling was good, and the action was clear and concise.

Here is what I would recommend to make this as good as it is capable of being: Tell the reader a little more about the characters before launching into all the action. If the reader doesn't connect to the character, he won't care if they're going on exciting adventures to the ends of the world.

Who is Eric and why is he saving Loren when he doesn't even know her name? What is he feeling as he does something pretty dangerous? Does he think she's pretty, or is he saving her as part of his duty? or both?

You don't have to answer all these questions at once, but we need to know something to want to keep reading.

Since you have a good handle on how to move a plot, the only other thing you need to work on is description. The reader needs to be able to picture what is going on. What do all the people look like? Is the forest all tangled and frightening, or it open and welcoming? Is the sky a gloomy black, spotted with clouds illuminated by a rising moon; or is it a vivid red as the sun sinks lower on the horizon? Is it warm or cold? Is the grass blue or orange? ETC. I think you get the idea.

Anyway, good luck with this. When you split up the paragraphs and such, feel free to PM me and I'll review the rest (I only read the beginning.)

Thank you, I fixed what I could. If you want to know more about Erik please read my other chapters, they will explain everything.

Hey! 'Tis me again

First off, can I say how much better it looked spread out and separated - no longer condensed into a couple of large paragraphs. Lots better.

The leader had given the girl a drug that caused her to fall asleep.

Maybe you could explain how'd they'd given the drug to her? Forced it down her throat, hidden it in her food, or something like that?

“Who are you?” she asked.
“I am Erik.” He said. She seemed unsatisfied with that answer; but she didn’t ask for a better explanation.
“And who are you?” asked Erik. The girl looked at him.
“I am Loren.” She said. Erik smiled, satisfied. “We had better keep moving, they’ll be waking up soon.” He said.

Their speech sounds too formal for their age. Loosen it up a bit.

“Who're you?” she asked.
“I'm Erik,” he said. She seemed unsatisfied with that answer; but she didn’t ask for a better explanation.
“And who're you?” asked Erik.
The girl looked at him.
“I'm Loren,” she said.
Erik smiled, satisfied. “We'd better keep moving, they’ll be waking up soon,” he said.

It flows a bit better now.

Erik turned and saw that back in the camp the slave drivers were waking up.

What, through all those trees. If there arn't that many trees then surely there are bushes and ferns. Unless it's Winter. Is it Winter? Or is it Summer? Wow, I nit-pick far too much.

Erik swore.

*gasps* Tut tut.

“WHERE IS SHE?” “’Dunno boss, she was righ’ there a while ago.”
“FIND HER! DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU DO!”
“But boss-“
“NO BUTS! FIND HER NOW!” “Yes sir.”

Really, all this fuss over one slave. Mind you - they'd cost a bit down at the market. She's too much trouble for 'em. I'd use her as food for the other slaves. lol.

“WHERE IS SHE?”
“Dunno boss, she was righ’ there a while ago.”
“FIND HER! DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU DO!”
“But boss-“
“NO BUTS! FIND HER NOW!”
"Yes sir.”

Ha ha. "Dunno Boss" made me laugh. One thing, you didn't need to apostrophe before "dunno" only used before, in, and after words if it's possessive or missing letters.

Erik swore again.

*Gasps yet again* ooh, naughty, naughty boy, lol. sorry... ^^'

“THERE SHE IS! GET HER!”
Erik turned; the leader must have followed the man he sent out.
He rushed forward faster than Erik thought possible and grabbed Loren’s arm. She screamed.
“SHUT UP WRETCH!” roared the leader. Then he noticed Erik. “Well what have we here?” he said, moving closer.

Ha, ha, split personality much?

Erik backed away. He figured that now would be a good time to run, but he didn’t.
The leader grabbed him and tied him up without letting go of Loren.

Wow. That must've been hard. Can't you just say he ordered his other men to tie him up?

“Now girl, you will learn some discipline,” he said. He tied her to a tree with her back out. Erik’s stomach flipped. He shut his eyes.
Crack!
He felt his body change shape.

The first night they were gone they had been attacked by a pack of wolves. She had killed the leader, plus several more without breaking a sweat.

Poor creatures! - The wolves of course. So why dd the wolves attack? Wolves are actually tremendously shy. I can see you were thinking of Little Red Riding-hood or some other fairytale rubbish like that. Excuse me if I'm being harsh, but it really annoys me hen people assume Wolves can't be anything other than their stereotypical image. Grr. So what would've made them attack? Stealing their prey? Getting too close to their young? Dunno.

As soon as he had transformed Erik bit through the ropes. Crack! The leader was so involved in whipping Loran that he hadn’t noticed the fact that one of his captives had turned into a panther and was getting ready to kill him. He crouched to the ground, concentrating all of his energy into the center of his body. Then he sprung into the air and landed on the leader. “What the-“ He didn’t get to say anything else, as Erik tore his throat out. The taste of blood swept through his mouth. It wasn’t pleasant and he spat immediately. He turned towards Loren, who had her eyes shut as tight as she could shut them. He walked over to her and cut her ropes with his claws. Then he backed away and closed his eyes. He changed much faster this time, which surprised him; he did it in half the time it normally took him. I must be getting better. He thought. He walked over to Loren, who was trembling like a leaf. He looked at her tunic. The back was stained red and was wet. He didn’t think that she would be able to go very far with that. He touched her shoulder and she jumped. “It’s ok, it’s only me.” He said. She relaxed and turned. “How did you-“ “No time, let’s go!” he said. Loren scowled at him. “I’ll explain later, I promise.” Loren felt the back of her tunic and winced. “I don’t think I can run. And if we walk I will only slow us down.” she said. Erik looked around. He heard the rest of the group coming their way. He groaned. “Let’s go as far as we can.” Loren nodded. Erik turned and began walking, Loren right beside him. After a few minutes Erik decided that Loren was right, she did slow them down quite a bit. After about ten more minutes of walking Loren slipped on a rock. Instead of falling forward, (Which was preferable due to the state of her back.) She fell backwards, landing on her back. She stuffed her fist into her mouth to keep from yelling. Erik helped her up. As soon as she was on her feet she swayed. Erik grabbed her arm. “I can’t go any farther.” She said. Erik heard the rest of the group coming closer. He swore. “Come on, I’ll have to carry you.” Loren stared at him. “You’re going to carry me?” she said flatly. Erik nodded. “You can’t, I probably weigh the same as you do!” she said. “Well I’ll carry you as far as I can.” He said. Loren looked at him like he was insane. Then she heard the men behind them. “All right, let’s go.” she said. Erik helped her to climb onto his back and took off running. He was glad that he and Morcant had run so much; Loran was right, she was rather heavy, but he was fast. They ran for a few minutes and came to the clearing that Erik had woken up in. He ran across it. “Do you know which way the road is?” he asked. “It’s that way.” Replied Loren, pointing. He turned in the direction that she pointed. If I’m right we may get out of this. He thought. After a few more minutes Erik realized that he couldn’t run any more. He stopped. “We need to stop, I need rest and you need help.” He said. Loren agreed with him and slid off of his back. As soon as she hit the ground her knees buckled. Erik caught her arm before she hit the ground. “Thanks.” She said. Erik nodded. Then he took off his pack and unrolled his blankets. Luckily he had packed an extra. He offered it to Loren, who took it. She wrapped it around herself. Erik took the other one for himself. “Where do you come from?” Loren asked. Erik smiled. “I come from a cottage to the south of Golni, in the forest of Glynn.” He replied. “Did you have a family?” “Yes, my Mother and Father, and my brother Morcant and sister Lindsay.” “Are you the oldest?” Erik laughed. “No, that would be Morcant, I am the last child.” Loren nodded. “The same here; I am the youngest of the two of us.” Erik looked at her. “The two of us?” Loren nodded. “My brother was the oldest. When the slave drivers took me he followed them. Before you came he tried to rescue me, and they-“ she stopped and began to cry. “Th-they killed him.” She whispered, and broke into a fresh onslaught of tears. Erik felt very sorry for her. If his brother had died he would be upset too. He hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him. “You’d better get some sleep, we have a long day tomorrow.” He said. She nodded and laid down. Erik sat there until dawn, watching for danger.

That is a lot of writing.
Woah. Right then, lets split it up into our good old friends - paragraphs.

As soon as he had transformed Erik bit through the ropes.

That must have been pretty hard in a panther shape.

Crack! The leader was so involved in whipping Loran that he hadn’t noticed the fact that one of his captives had turned into a panther and was getting ready to kill him.

Ha! Where are the other people??!! The "boss" guy and the other slaves and guards and...

He crouched to the ground, concentrating all of his energy into the center of his body. Then he sprung into the air and landed on the leader.
“What the-“ He didn’t get to say anything else, as Erik tore his throat out.

Lovely. Why would Erik tear his throat out? He'd probably want to render him unconscious so they could escape, but he doesn't seem the sort who'd have th guts to murder. Or should I say resort to murder.

The taste of blood swept through his mouth. It wasn’t pleasant and he spat immediately.

Is THAT all you have to say on the matter??? He just killed someone - most likely his first murder. How does it make him feel?? Try and be a bit more descriptive about the teeth closing in on this man's throat; how Erik felt like he had no choice; how terrible Erik would feel. When writing about things like this my characters go through, I try and imagine myself in thei place. How would I feel to tear out a person's throat? Certainly more than that.

He turned towards Loren, who had her eyes shut as tight as she could shut them. He walked over to her and cut her ropes with his claws. Then he backed away and closed his eyes.
He changed much faster this time, which surprised him; he did it in half the time it normally took him. I must be getting better, he thought.
He walked over to Loren, who was trembling like a leaf.
He looked at her tunic. The back was stained red and was wet. He didn’t think that she would be able to go very far with that.
He touched her shoulder and she jumped.
“It’s ok, it’s only me,” he said.
She relaxed and turned. “How did you-“
“No time, let’s go!” he said.
Loren scowled at him.
“I’ll explain later, I promise.”
Loren felt the back of her tunic and winced. “I don’t think I can run. And if we walk I will only slow us down.” she said.
Erik looked around.
He heard the rest of the group coming their way.

Oh there they are!

He groaned. “Let’s go as far as we can.”
Loren nodded.
Erik turned and began walking, Loren right beside him. After a few minutes Erik decided that Loren was right, she did slow them down quite a bit. After about ten more minutes of walking Loren slipped on a rock. Instead of falling forward, (Which was preferable due to the state of her back.) She fell backwards, landing on her back. She stuffed her fist into her mouth to keep from yelling.
Erik helped her up, but as soon as she was on her feet she swayed.
Erik grabbed her arm. “I can’t go any farther,” she said.
Erik heard the rest of the group coming closer and he swore.

Would he swear? I mean, would he want to alarm her further? He might tell her false reassurences to keep her positive and moving, even if she could hear them too. He's not very encouraging. Plus, how does hearing the rest of the group make him feel?? Emotions needed!

“Come on, I’ll have to carry you.”
Loren stared at him. “You’re going to carry me?” she said flatly.
Erik nodded.
“You can’t, I probably weigh the same as you do!” she said.
“Well I’ll carry you as far as I can,” he said.
Loren looked at him like he was insane. Then she heard the men behind them. “All right, let’s go.” she said.
Erik helped her to climb onto his back and took off running.

Didn't he stagger a bit at first under her weight?

He was glad that he and Morcant had run so much; Loran was right, she was rather heavy, but he was fast.
They ran for a few minutes and came to the clearing that Erik had woken up in. He ran across it.
“Do you know which way the road is?” he asked.
“It’s that way.” Replied Loren, pointing.
He turned in the direction that she pointed.
If I’m right we may get out of this, he thought.
After a few more minutes Erik realized that he couldn’t run any more. He stopped.
“We need to stop, I need rest and you need help,” he said.
Loren agreed with him and slid off of his back. As soon as she hit the ground her knees buckled. Erik caught her arm before she hit the ground.
“Thanks.” She said.
Erik nodded. Then he took off his pack and unrolled his blankets. Luckily he had packed an extra. He offered it to Loren, who took it. She wrapped it around herself. Erik took the other one for himself.
“Where do you come from?” Loren asked.
Erik smiled. “I come from a cottage to the south of Golni, in the forest of Glynn,” he replied.
“Did you have a family?”
“Yes, my Mother and Father, and my brother Morcant and sister Lindsay.”
“Are you the oldest?”
Erik laughed. “No, that would be Morcant, I am the last child.”
Loren nodded. “The same here; I am the youngest of the two of us.”
Erik looked at her. “The two of us?”
Loren nodded. “My brother was the oldest. When the slave drivers took me he followed them. Before you came he tried to rescue me, and they-“ she stopped and began to cry. “Th-they killed him.” She whispered, and broke into a fresh onslaught of tears. Erik felt very sorry for her. If his brother had died he would be upset too. He hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him.
“You’d better get some sleep, we have a long day tomorrow,” he said.
She nodded and laid down.
Erik sat there until dawn, watching for danger.

Why not end the chapter there? It's a very good finish.

Morcant was getting very discouraged. They had discovered from a cloak vendor that Erik had left Golni from the east gate just a couple of days before. After they had found that out Morcant knew where Erik was going. “He’s headed for Hindrei.” He told Lindsay. Lindsay looked at him.
“Why would he go there? It’s a five day march!” she exclaimed.
“It’s the closest town from here,” he reminded her.
“Oh, right,” she said.
“We’d better go and find him,” said Morcant. Lindsay nodded.
They thanked the vendor and headed for the East Gate.

Phew. Most likely the longest reply I've ever made. Sorry.

Emma.

The spacing here was better but not enough. Notice that you change paragraphs after someone is done talking.

Wrong: "Blah blah blah" Said guy number1. "Blah blah blah" said guy number2.
Right: "Blah blah blah" Said guy number1.
(New paragragh.)
"Blah blah blah" Said guy number2.

And be sure to space out new paragraghs every 5 - 6 sentences.

Content was good!

I like this....only thing I want to say is slow down a bit.

Good Luck