Monkey [i]hear[/i], Monkey do

The babysitter was exasperated, and she was only there for two and a half hours so far. The five year old kate was angelic, but the baby... oh that how that baby could scream. He would close his eyes and squish his face up, and open his mouth very wide, showing off his pink gums, and let out a blood curdling screech. Normally the babysitter was able to soothe babies with ease. She was one of the number one babysitter in the small suburban neighbrohood she lived in. She had left the baby alone so she could prepare dinner. She was making pasta and sauce for the meal.She was chopping up some peppers with a large kitchen knife at the counter. The baby let out another cry, this time louder than before. THe babysitter ground her teeth.

"PLEASE SHUT UP," she hollered, "Or i'll chop you up instead of the vegetables."

This wast the first time she had ever told a child to shut up, and she was immediatley consumed with guilt. She decided to give him a hug, but as she put down the knife, it cut part of her finger. It was a very light scratch, but she decided to clean it and bandage it up. When she was upstairs, she heard a very long, high pitched squeal. It sounded like it was in pain. She heard another horrible, slurping choke. She hurried down the stairs. What she saw was terrible. She backed up into the wall and collapsed. Kate smiled.


The baby lay on the floor, it's stomach slashed open, blood and its' intestines pouring out. The babies head was sliced clean off and lay a couple of feet away from the body

"i did just what you said!" she chirped and giggled.



Moral of the story? You should always watch what you say in front of children

huggybear123 wrote:The babysitter was exasperated,

Great word, but unfortunately it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the language. Just go with a simpler word like 'exhausted.'

huggybear123 wrote:The five year old kate was angelic,

Capitalize names!

huggybear123 wrote: but the baby... oh that how that baby could scream. He would close his eyes and squish his face up, and open his mouth very wide, showing off his pink gums, and let out a blood curdling screech.

Awww, that's what I did when I was a baby

huggybear123 wrote: She was one of the number one babysitter in the small suburban neighbrohood ((neighborhood)) she lived in.

huggybear123 wrote: She had left the baby alone so she could prepare dinner. She was making pasta and sauce for the meal.She was chopping up some peppers with a large kitchen knife at the counter. The baby let out another cry, this time louder than before. THe babysitter ground her teeth.

You can combine almost all of this. Apart, it moves slowly and none of the sentences really add anything new if that makes any sense.
Try something like: 'She had left the baby alone so she could prepare spaghetti for dinner. As she was chopping up peppers with a large knife in the kitchen, the baby let out another cry this time louder than before. The...'

huggybear123 wrote:"Or i'll ((I'll)) chop you up instead of the vegetables."

huggybear123 wrote:and she was immediatley ((immediately)) consumed with guilt.

huggybear123 wrote:"i ((I))did just what you said!" she chirped and giggled.

Okay, so that was kind of creepy and strange, yeah?

Characters:
I would name the babysitter and the baby. Kate shouldn't be the only one that gets a name.
I know it's a really short piece but I don't know these characters at all. I felt nothing for the babysitter, Kate, or the baby, at all. Just kind of creeped out. Maybe try to build them up a little more.

Overall:
An interesting idea, I've definitely never read anything like it before.
I think as a general rule of thumb, you tell more than you show. It's kind of hard to explain exactly what this means but basically, you tell us what is happening instead of showing us through direct action and dialogue and whatnot.
Also, don't forget to spell check!

-Carly

That was..... Ummm. Disturbing.

Well on to the point!

The babysitter was exasperated, and she was only (had been) there for two and a half hours so far. The five year old kate was angelic, but the baby... oh that how that baby could scream. He would close his eyes and squish his face up, and open his mouth very wide, showing off his pink gums, and let out a blood curdling screech. Normally the babysitter was able to soothe babies with ease. She was one of the number one babysitter ("One of the number one"? It should be "Number one" without the extra "one") in the small suburban neighbrohood (neighborhood) she lived in. She had left the baby alone so she could prepare dinner. She was making pasta and sauce for the meal ("For the meal" is a bit unnecessary you could consider cutting it out.).She was chopping up some peppers with a large kitchen knife at the counter. The baby let out another cry, this time louder than before. THe (Whats out for double caps) babysitter ground her teeth.

"PLEASE SHUT UP," (Instead of capitalizing the whole sentence just add a exclamation mark at the end.) she hollered, "Or I'll chop you up instead of the vegetables("Instead of the vegetables." Doesen't sound like a command. If the sister kills the brother you should make this sentence more of a command... Maybe like this: "Or I'll chop you up like these vegetables!")

This wast the first time she had ever told a child to shut up, and she was immediatley (immediately) consumed with guilt. She decided to give him a hug, but as she put down the knife, it cut part of her finger. It was a very light scratch, but she decided to clean it and bandage it up. When she was upstairs, she heard a very long, high pitched squeal. It sounded like it was in pain. She heard another horrible, slurping choke. She hurried down the stairs. What she saw was terrible. She backed up into the wall and collapsed. Kate smiled.


The baby lay on the floor, it's (his not it's.) stomach slashed open, blood and its' (just blood and intestines no need for "its" here) intestines pouring out. The babies head was sliced clean off and lay a couple of feet away from the body. (This is physically impossible for a five year old girl to do in such a short amount of time. Slashing of a head is quite hard.)

"i did just what you said!" she chirped and giggled.

Nice work... a bit disturbing though.