I have to be honest, I was loving it (even though the colors were hurting my eyes) until the third stanza. Perhaps all that that came after it wasn't necessary. I was just like "yeah yeah yeah" until I got to the very end I thought, "Oh, what a nice way to end the poem."
And about the colors....just don't do that next time.
If i were to cut everything that came after the third stanza it would be unfinished, and there is no poem worse than an unfinished one. Just think of it as one of those you just have to read against your will to understand.
True, but if the reader has a feeling that the poem is dragging on, it definitely detracts from the overall meaning that you want them to get out of the poem. Make every word count, it's okay to condense. In fact, that's often better. I really like your concept, and it's reasonably well-executed, but definitely try to condense it.
I agree with Chevy about the colours, they distract the reader a bit from the point of the poem.
I adore it. Seriously. Dont ask me why, since I have a feeling the real meaning just blew right past me (Yep, there he goes...) but I felt the rhythm, the pacing...everything was precisely the way it should be. I didnt think it was too long at all. Only one critique, really, and that is, I think "flooring" should be "floor" in the 3rd stanza. Otherwise, awesome. I'm gonna bookmark this one.
