Truth in the Shadows

OK, I really wanted to post something and I found this on my computer. So, I thought what the heck, why not? I wrote it not too long ago, but forgot about it. So, yeah. Read and review please. Oh, and I used the same names from "Falling Slowly". Just in case you were wondering, but you probably weren't. The title could change, also. Read on...

"Cracks in the sidewalk are just reminders that you fall apart, no matter how strong you are.”
-Anonymous


Aiden


The snow was falling harder now; I felt my bones chilling but, trudged on. I looked up at the sky and snowflakes fell into my eyes. "Goddamn it, where are you?" I murmured into the night. Landon was gone, missing in action. Did he realize that I was worried about him? Did he even care? Then I realized something, I did the same things to him. But, this was so unlike him, so out of character. I would do something like that.
Some people believe that in a set of twins, one is more reckless, stupid, and careless then the other. If that's true, then I'm definitely that twin. Landon cared; he was smart, almost perfect. He was like Edward Cullen, or whoever the hell that guy is. I didn't really care, but all the girls liked him. All the girls liked Landon, too. It couldn't be because of his looks, because we looked exactly the same. He had a presence, one that couldn't be ignored. You couldn't hate him.
I slid my phone out of my pocket and checked the screen, no new messages. I had sent Landon at least ten, asking where he was. The worst case scenarios began running through my head. What if he was kidnapped, or raped...or dead? I shook my head and dismissed the thoughts. He was fine.
The light of the streetlamps bounced off the fresh snow, causing it to sparkle. In winter, during the day, the sky was gray and dull. Depressing. But, that was Wisconsin. At night, however, it was pretty, to say the least. Through the clouds, you could see slices of the navy blue sky, revealing the stars. If I wasn't so worried, I might've reminisced in the sight more. But, it was three in the morning, and I needed to find my brother.
Stupid, Landon, I thought. Of all the times he could've chosen to leave, he chose now. First of all, it was three in the morning. Second of all, it was freezing cold and snowing. Third of all, we had school in the morning.
I called his name once more, but heard no reply. I looked down at the sidewalk again and saw faint footprints, partially covered by the snow. Hopefully, they were Landon's. Matching each footprint with mine, I followed them.
Then I saw the figure. It had to be him, about my height, hood pulled over its head. "Landon!" I called.
He turned around, and started running. What the hell? I thought and started sprinting after him. We were in track together, we ran against each other. Slowly, I was gaining on him. Cloudy breaths dispelled from my lips. "Landon," I called, out of breath, "Stop!"
But he kept running, faster and faster. He was a long distance runner, one of the best on the team. He wasn’t stopping. He didn’t want to be found.
So, I stopped. “Fine!” I yelled. “I’m sorry for caring. I’m sorry for walking a mile to come find you! I’m sorry, so, so sorry!”
Guilt was one of his only weaknesses. It got under his skin. He stopped running and turned around to face me. I smirked, turned around, and started walking back towards our house.
I heard the crunching of the snow behind me; Landon started walking next to me. “Are you going to tell me what the hell that was about?” I asked him.
When he didn’t respond, I turned to him. Tears spilled down his pale cheeks, he wiped them away violently and coughed. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
He didn’t respond; he stared down at the sidewalk and took in a few shaky breaths. “Landon, you know you can talk to me,” I tried to sound as sympathetic as possible.
I touched his arm and he flinched. “Land-“
“Stop asking,” he snapped. “I’m not going to tell you, so shut up.”
I scowled and started walking faster. “Next time you want to talk to me, be sure to remove the stick shoved up your ass.”
When I didn’t hear the familiar sound of his crunching footsteps, I turned around. He was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arms crossed over his chest. “Come on, I was joking,” I said. “I’m really tired, can’t we just go home?”
Landon started walking again, but kept behind me.
When we arrived home, I pushed open the door quietly. I slid off my shoes and padded against the carpet. I heard the door slam and swiveled around. “What the hell? Do you want to get in trouble?” I said through my teeth, glaring at Landon.
“I’m sorry,” Landon said sarcastically and pulled his shoes off his feet.
I bit my tongue when I heard a door down the hall open. I tasted the blood, it tasted like metal.
Dad emerged, immediately, he glared at me. Most families have a nicer parent, and one that’s a little stricter. Mom was extremely nice and understanding. Not him, he was the devil. But, I was the only one with that opinion. He liked my older sister, Emily, and he liked Landon. I was his mistake.
“What is going on?” he bellowed. I bit my tongue, letting more blood flow.
“Nothing,” I muttered and started walking past him. But, he grabbed my arm.
“Landon, what’s going on?” My dad asked, in a sweeter, gentler voice.
Landon opened his mouth to explain everything. “I left, Landon came to find me,” I blurted, before Landon had a chance to say anything.
Landon snapped his jaw closed and widened his eyes. Dad shook his head, “What the hell would make you do that?”
“You,” I spat.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” Dad hissed and glared at me.
I swallowed the blood in my mouth. He thought he was scaring me. I knew what he was capable of, and I didn’t care anymore. Meeting his gaze, I opened my mouth to speak the words I’ve always wanted to say, “I hate you,” I whispered, barely audible. They rolled off my tongue easily; I had been hiding it too long, bottling it up.
“Hmm?” Dad asked, a smirk spreading across his lips.
“I hate you,” I said louder.
“What was that?” Dad muttered, his face reddening.
“I hate you,” I whispered. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate-“Dad smacked me across the face.
I pressed my hand to my stinging cheek. “The feeling is mutual,” Dad whispered and started down the hallway. “Goodnight, Landon,” he called back.
Tears welled up in my eyes, “Aiden,” Landon started.
“Shut up!” I screamed and ran down the hall towards our bedroom. I heard Landon following me, but I honestly didn’t want to talk to him. He couldn’t relate, he couldn’t pretend he did.
Our room was dark so I flicked on the light; it bounced off the light blue walls. I stomped over to the dresser and opened the drawers, pulling them out and setting them on the floor. I flung through everything, throwing things behind me and across the room.
Landon closed the door, “Aiden?” he questioned.
I flung more clothes behind me, unsure of what I was doing. “Aiden?” Landon called louder. Water dripped down my forehead, mixing with my tears.
“Aiden!” Landon screamed. I sat back and pressed my hands to my eyes.
“God,” I whispered. Tears spilled down my cheeks. Landon grabbed my arm, pulling me up.
“Listen,” Landon started.
But, I cut him off, “No! I’m not going to listen to you. You don’t have a clue how it feels, he likes you. Has that ever happened to you? No! It hasn’t!”
Landon’s face fell, “Sorry, you didn’t have to do that. Stick up for me, I mean.”
I didn’t respond, I grabbed a shirt and some sweatpants off the floor and quickly changed into them. “Why did you do it?” I asked.
Landon didn’t respond, he walked over to his bed and sat down. The water was probably soaking through his blankets. I rolled my eyes and stood up, walking over to the mirror. A large, red mark, spread across my cheek, standing out. “Goddamn it,” I muttered.
I shut off the light and stumbled over to my bed, practically falling into it. Tears welled up in my eyes. I hated my dad; he could die for all I cared. He didn’t give a shit what happened to me. The feeling is mutual, I mimicked in my head. I heard Landon sniffling on the other side of the room. Anger bubbled up inside of me, I sat upright. “You have nothing to cry about. So, shut up!” I snapped, regretting it for a moment, and then laying back down.
I flopped over on my back and realized I had tears streaming down my cheeks, I took a deep breath. At least I had something to cry about.
Soon, I fell into a troubled sleep.

Hello there!

I don't think I've read anything of yours before, but I'm Angel of Death, but everyone calls me Angel.
This is my first review in a very long time, so hopefully it'll be a good one.

The snow was falling harder now; I felt my bones chilling but, trudged on. I looked up at the sky and snowflakes fell into my eyes. "Goddamn it, where are you?" I murmured into the night. Landon was gone, missing in action. Did he realize that I was worried about him? Did he even care? Then I realized something, I did the same things to him. But, this was so unlike him, so out of character. I would do something like that.

I don't like this beginning chunk here. It seems like traffic. There's so much to work with, so much that you're stuck. Nothing, isn't moving, it isn't flowing. And the beginning of the story is the most crucial. I know I am not that good at writing beginnings, but you need to hook your reader, no if ands or buts about it.

Let's break this down:

1. "The snow was falling harder now; I felt my bones chilling but, trudged on."

This can easily become two sentences. And also, to me, they don't connect. Somehow I don't see the bridge between the snow falling and the MC's bones chilling. I mean, I know that it's cold but I feel that description wise you can do better. You don't have to be so blunt.

And I don't think you'd say 'falling harder' to describe the snow fall. That is commonly used when someone is describing rain for you can not hear snow.

Try: The snow was falling from the sky, in icy white clusters. It began to seep through my skin, chilling my bones, but I trudged on.

Note: When you're writing a sentence with 'and' or 'but' or 'or' the comma comes before it and not after. This is a reference to the bold part in your sentence.

I don't mind if you use my rendition of the first sentence. But I do want you to notice the difference. As a reader and a writer, I understand that the most important thing you can give your reader is the ability to utilize all five senses. Descriptions are vital to a story and if you're writing in first person, you most definitely want to make it seem like the MC is real. Not just some robot or a planned out character. And play around with words. No you don't have to use big words but there are millions of words in the English language that you can use, so crack open a thesaurus.

2. "I looked up at the sky and snowflakes fell into my eyes."

Ok, I read all of the stories I review out loud. Just to get a sense of what the words sound like together. And honestly, I felt like robot when I read this line. It's bland and simple. It's vague. You're telling us that snowflakes fell into your MC's eyes. Well, why can't we feel what the snowflakes felt like or really, is this an important piece of information?

Sometimes, you have to think "Hmm? Does this pertain to what I'm trying to write about." And though I haven't read this entire story yet, I don't think I care that snowflakes fell into this person's eyes unless it effected he/she's mood or whatever.

Also, what does this sky look like? I mean, is it blue with a hint of yellow signaling the sun or is it dull and gray, hinted with a chance of rain? Sure, you don't have to make your descriptions sound poetic and fancy, but you do need to describe everything in order for the reader to get a feel of the setting.

The light of the streetlamps bounced off the fresh snow, causing it to sparkle. In winter, during the day, the sky was gray and dull. Depressing. But, that was Wisconsin. At night, however, it was pretty, to say the least. Through the clouds, you could see slices of the navy blue sky, revealing the stars. If I wasn't so worried, I might've reminisced in the sight more. But, it was three in the morning, and I needed to find my brother.

Whoa! This was a really good chunk of descriptions. I would have never thought that it would be written well if I didn't force myself to read on. I don't mean to be harsh or anything, I just think that if you're going to establish a setting of some sort in the beginning, establish it. If not, then start learning how to distinguishing the unimportant text from the important. In other words, I feel that you should nix the beginning. I think that "Some set of twins...." is a good place to start. That line was what really pulled me in.

Overall, I thought that this story needed work content-wise. This is really a cliche story. Many people have written about twins who are totally different, one is liked more than the other, one is tired of being perfect, the other sticks up for the other twin and so on and so forth...it's all been done before. But what I want to know is, what makes your story special. What makes it unique? What makes me want to care for Landon and Aiden? Their life etc. I really want to know, no wait, I want to read it. I want to feel emotions, instead of reading nothing but dialogue. This seems like a lot of angst and really, it can be a great story, just work on building your plot and character.

Hopefully, I wasn't too harsh, and that this wasn't a pointless critique because, like I've said, I haven't done in a long long while.

Please, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Keep writing,

~Angel

I think it's funny how you just magically found this on your computer

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:The snow was falling harder now; I felt my bones chill[s]ing[/s] but, ((I)) trudged on.

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:Landon cared; he was smart, almost perfect. [s]He was like Edward Cullen, or whoever the hell that guy is. I didn't really care, but all the girls liked him.[/s] All the girls liked ((him))[s]Landon, too.[/s]

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:I had sent Landon at least ten, asking where he was.

I had to read this sentence twice to get what it was saying. Maybe re-phrase it a little.

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote: [s]The[/s] worst case scenarios began running through my head.

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote: I scowled and started walking faster. “Next time you want to talk to me, be sure to remove the stick shoved up your ass.”

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote: “I hate you,” I whispered. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate-“Dad smacked me across the face.
I pressed my hand to my stinging cheek. “The feeling is mutual,” Dad whispered and started down the hallway. “Goodnight, Landon,” he called back.

Dang. He's douche. (The dad I mean )


Characters:
I thought you did a good job with your characters. They all felt really real to me. I think you could build them up a little more though. I don't feel that bad for Aiden because I don't know him very well. I don't know the full history of his relationship with his dad, or anything like that. Landon just seems kind of there to me, I don't feel for him that much either. Although, I do want to know why he acted the way he did at the beginning.

Overall:
The concept was pretty good. I want to know why Landon was crying and everything and why they were out in the first place. You've got a good conflict brewing with Aiden and his dad. I think this has the potential of being really good

-Carly

Really good, I especially like the emotion you get from that last scene...

A few changes could be made to the writing grammar-wise et cetera, but all have been said above. Like I say, I like that it's possible to feel the emotions between characters, so good work there.
(Only bit I'm not sure about is the Edward Cullen reference, it's a little bit weird and doesn't really seem to fit in)

heyy,

This is good. The action is fast, but not too fast that the reader can't keep up, just fast enough that it keeps the reader's attention. The emotion is easily felt which is good and the sibling rivalry is nicely shown. the characters are believable.

Really awesome for something you just found on your computer! I hope to hear more from this.

~Dommy

Wow, I loved it. It made me think about what are life means and what we are meant to do. In the long, run, that is what books are supposed to do. Now, all you have to do is create a conclusion. I know you already have one, but continue off it. What happened at school? Does he run away? Will he ever learn why his father hates him? Answer a few of these and you'll either have one heck of a story, or a rambled book. I don't know what you'll have, but failure is natures boost to success.