darker times

i've had a lot of people like this but i've never been satisfied with it...be brutally honest

When she's just talking to me
And it feels like she's
SCREAMING IN MY EAR
It makes a tear drop from my eye
You can't really call it crying
When your world seems no more
You can't really call it dying..
When you're lying on your back, sobbing
And you just feel so numb to the world
You know your friends are lying next to you
But don't know how to help them
Since you can't help yourself..
This is me writing to you
And the keys will scream the words
Paper and pen is so old fashion
And I'd just like to say
That I know your there
and i'm sorry
But I don't know how to see you

I loved it. I didn't like the capitalised line though, perhaps you could only capitalise some of it, or use italics instead. Loved "It makes a tear drop from my eye/You can't really call it crying/When your world seems no more/You can't really call it dying..". And "And the keys will scream the words "...and "But don't know how to help them
Since you can't help yourself.." Although the periods/full stops at the end are usually a set of three rather than two, but that's personal preference, I think. Fashioned, not fashion. Anyway, I loved it. Well done.

Hello, I am here to nitpick! anything other than spelling, grammar, capitalization, or punctuation is merely a suggestion!

The Nitpicks:

When she's just talking to me,
And it feels like she's
SCREAMING in my ear.
It makes a tear drop from my eye.
You can't really call it crying.
When your world seems no more,
You can't really call it dying.
When you're lying on your back, sobbing,
And you just feel so numb to the world.
You know your friends are lying next to you,
But don't know how to help them,
Since you can't help yourself.
This is me writing to you,
And the keys will scream the words.
Paper and pen is so old fashion,
And I'd just like to say,
That I know your there.
And i'm sorry,
But I don't know how to see you.

those are my nitpicks, and I wanted to say that I loved this poem. I gave my nitpicks, and I think this piece flows very nicely.so, good job, good work, and good luck in future writing!



----LostMagi

Hi there!

My comments are in red below.

rayannes life wrote:When she's just talking to me
And it feels like she's
SCREAMING IN MY EAR I get the fact that you want to add a lot of emotion into this, but you can do that without capitalizing everything.
It makes a tear drop from my eye
You can't really call it crying
When your world seems no more
You can't really call it dying..
When you're lying on your back, sobbing
And you just feel so numb to the world
You know your friends are lying next to you
But don't know how to help them
Since you can't help yourself.. Oh my gosh, these last couple of lines are so powerful!
This is me writing to you
And the keys will scream the words What keys? Be more specific.
Paper and pen is so old fashion
And I'd just like to say
That I know your you're there It should be you are here instead of your.
and i'm sorry
But I don't know how to see you

This poem is great. I really enjoyed reading it and I really didn't have anything negative to say. Keep writing!

Hi,
okay, I'll just highlight the major errors I see here:
"You really can't call (I)t crying- some capitalization errors here
...You really can't call It dying.-I don't see any need for the second period sign; the same goes with the twelfth line.
Try to work more on your punctuations and capitalization. The Idea in poem was captivating in it's own way. I'm not too sure about the form, if it is a sonnet, it should be fourteen lines but here we have more than that, I think you should work on that. You could rather give a breather between the lines and make it a couplet, to give it that standard form or approach.
But anyways, good writing

When she's just talking to me
And it feels like she's
SCREAMING IN MY EAR,
It makes a tear drop from my eye,
You can't really call it crying.
When your world seems no more,
You can't really call it dying.
When you're lying on your back, sobbing,
And you just feel so numb to the world,
You know your friends are lying next to you-
But don't know how to help them-
Since you can't help yourself.
This is me writing to you,
And the keys will scream the words.
Paper and pen is so old fashion.
And I'd just like to say
That I know you're there,
and I'm sorry,
But I don't know how to see you.