Missing - Chapter 1

A cat skittered past her nervously and a bird flew so near that its feathers brushed against her neck. She stood, trembling, blanketed and blinded by the darkness and mist. “What do you want with me?” She whimpered “I know you’re out there....”

-------------------

Liz walked along the street, puffing her chest out to emphasize the police, bullet-proof vest. It was her first day of work and she was enjoying patrolling the streets. She watched as mothers smiled and children laughed, everyone seemed more secure when she was around.
She strode into a park. The plants and flowers, the fresh air; she loved walking around, patrolling the streets. Children sat on wooden benches with ice creams, women rolled buggies that had no sound coming from within; but the mood was spoiled by one woman, a teenager. She was sobbing into her palms.
Liz walked up to where the girl was crouching hunched on the bench.
“What do you want?” the girl grumbled, brushing a deep, black strand of hair from her face.
“Um, I, I was just wondering what was the matter?” Liz whispered; she didn’t have any experience of situations like this, she didn't have any experience of police work at all.
“Well don’t.” The girl snapped. Liz shrugged and started to walk away then changed her mind.
“I can't just leave you here.”
She lifted her head to show blonde hair and glistening, wet cheeks – “It’s just my flat mate…she disappeared three days ago.”
Liz was taken aback that she had so suddenly changed from an angry teenager to someone who really did need her help. "It’s not my area of expertise, go down to the police station, I’m sure they’ll help you out.” Liz sighed, already having doubts about her career choice.
“She was called up the other day by this guy, she was out and he was askin' me whether she was available; I ask'd him what he wanted but he hung up. I told Lucy 'bout it when she got 'ome and she shrugged and grabbed the phone, she locked the door to her room but I heard her shoutin'.”
“I’m sorry, this is my first day and I am unable to help you, go to the police station or call; but I’m sure she will turn up.” Liz turned and headed toward the children’s playground.

-------------------

“Wait, wait, urm…sergeant.” Liz stumbled awkwardly along the corridor “I was wondering who my partner will be; I had to do this shift alone.” She gave a breathy chuckle.
“Oh right, that.” The sergeant said flatly “You are going to be partnered with the inspector’s son, Edward.”
“Ok, um... thanks sergeant.” She felt like she had been stabbed in the back. Edward had a reputation for being hopeless; he had once tried out a robbery simulation and told the instructor that the appropriate action was to go up to the robber and ask in a civil manner for him to allow you and the other members of the public to be excused.
Later that day when Liz was strolling home, fingers itching to pick up a phone and dial a million members of her family, a few kids who used to bully her in school, one or two ex-boyfriends and even just shout along the street to a few strangers – being a police officer is amazing, yes, she may only be allowed to stroll the streets waiting for a member of the public to spontaneously combust but she was still getting there. Liz knew she would build through the ranks of police officer until the day when she was leading her own murder investigations and chasing armed men through the streets with only her common sense and gut instinct to guide her through the most dangerous situation.



Please write and tell me what you think, if you do like it and want another chapter just ask and I'll put it up.

Hi Miriam. I'm Pop. Nice to meet you. ^_^

First off - this wasn't half bad! There's quite a few grammatical errors, but I'm not going to linger on those too much. I'll just point out some major things, and along the way I'll discuss what I liked, what I thought could be better, and how you can improve!

MiriamHannah wrote:A cat skittered past her nervously and a bird flew so near to her that its feathers brushed against her neck. [There's a little too much information in this opening sentence. How about you just break it up into two? Your first could be about the cat, skittering and yowling, while the second sentence can mention the bird flying and brushing against her neck (which is fantastic imagery, by the way! Great job!). Remember: your opening sentence is the most important part of your piece (well, it's one of the most important things).] She stood, trembling, blanketed and blinded by the darkness and mist. “What do you want with me?” She whimpered “I know you’re out there – you’re lookin’ at me at this very moment…show yourself….” [After a set of ellipsis (sets of three dots, like so "...") make sure you hit that space bar before you continue your sentence... like that!]

[Also make sure to put some sort of symbol here to represent a change in scenes. You could use asterisks (***) for example, or just a few dashes (---). Right now, in this format, it reads like it's the same scene, and I got a bit confused when you suddenly switched over to Liz in the park.]

Liz walked along the street, puffing her chest out to emphasise the police, bullet-proof vest. It was her first day of work and she was enjoying patrolling the streets. She watched as mothers smiled and children laughed, everyone felt more secure when she was around.
She skipped into a park. The plants and flowers, the fresh air; she loved walking around, patrolling the streets. [s]The park she had entered was picturesque,[/s] [Okay, so you see this sentence I crossed out? It's what I like to call a 'telling' sentence. It simply tells the reader what to imagine rather than sucking them into the scene. Sometimes narration like that is necessary in a story, but description is usually favored.] children sat on wooden benches with ice creams, women rolled buggies that had no sound coming from within; but the mood was spoilt by one woman, a teenager. [Now that was a great sentence! That was what I like to call a 'showing' sentence, which is the better opposite of a 'telling' sentence. You drew me into the scene - I especially loved the perfect, quiet babies being pushed in buggies. Great job!] She was sobbing into her palms.
Liz walked up to where the girl was crouching hunched on the bench.
“What do you want?” The girl grumbled. [Because "the girl mumbled" is still a part of the sentence along with the dialogue, you need to make "the" lowercase. At the bottom of the review, I'll give you a link to a good tutorial for that!]
“Um, I, I was just wondering what was the matter?” Liz whispered; she didn’t have any experience of situations like this, she didn't have any experience of police work at all.
“Well don’t.” The girl snapped. Liz shrugged and started to walk away then changed her mind.
“I can't just leave you here.”
She lifted her head to show blonde hair and glistening, wet cheeks – “It’s just my flat mate…she disappeared 3 days ago.” [In prose, it's a pretty big no-no to use numerical symbols (1, 2, 3...), so just write out "three".]
Liz was taken aback that she had so suddenly changed from an angry teenager to someone who really did need her help. [Don't forget your quotation marks here! -->] It’s not my area of expertise, go down to the police station, I’m sure they’ll help you out.” Liz sighed, already having doubts about her career choice.
“She was called up the other day by this guy, she was out and he was askin' me whether she was available; I ask'd [I really love the use of colloquialism in this set of dialogue, but "ask'd" doesn't make much sense simply it sounds the exact same as "asked"; I'd just use the correct spelling for this one.] him what he wanted but he hung up. I told Lucy 'bout it when she got 'ome and she shrugged and grabbed the phone, she locked the door to her room but I heard her shoutin'.”
“I’m sorry, this is my first day and I am unable to help you, go to the police station or call; but I’m sure she will turn up.” Liz turned and headed toward the children’s playground.

[Again, make sure to mark your scene changes! I had to re-read this ]

“Wait, wait, urm…sergeant.” [Since you're using "sergeant" as a name (proper noun), it needs to be capitalized.] Liz stumbled awkwardly along the corridor “I was wondering who my partner will be; I had to do this shift alone.” She gave a breathy chuckle.
“Oh right, that.” The sergeant said flatly “You are going to be partnered with the inspector’s son, Edward.”
“Ok, um... thanks sergeant.” She felt like she had been stabbed in the back. Edward had a reputation for being hopeless; he had once tried out a robbery simulation and told the instructor that the appropriate action was to go up to the robber and ask in a civil / pathetic [Here, I'd get rid of the "/pathetic". It makes the paragraph look a little sloppy (which is a shame, because it made me laugh). I'd just leave "civil"; that was funny enough. ^_^] manner for him to allow you and the other members of the public to be excused.
Later that day when Liz was strolling home, fingers itching to pick up a phone and dial a million members of her family, a few kids who used to bully her in school, one or two ex-boyfriends and even just shout along the street to a few strangers – being a police officer is amazing, yes, she may only be allowed to stroll the streets waiting for a member of the public to spontaneously combust but she was still getting there. Liz knew she would build through the ranks of police officer until the day when she was leading her own murder investigations and chasing armed men through the streets with only her common sense and gut instinct to guide her through the most dangerous situation. [Nice ending paragraph!]



Please write and tell me what you think, if you do like it and want another chapter just ask and I'll put it up.

Okay, so I'm just going to touch on a few simple things I pointed out.

Ellipsis:Just remember you need that space after a set.

Proper dialogue grammar: There were quite a few instances were I saw things along the lines of this -
"Hi, I'm Sarah," She said.
When it should be this -
"Hi, I'm Sarah," she said.
Here's a link to that guide I mentioned earlier; it's very simple and it helps a lot!
viewtopic.php?t=3746

Description: Not a problem. I enjoyed the description in this very much - I had a good sense of atmosphere. However, you need to make sure that your scene changes are clear! The sudden changes were very jarring, and I had to re-read them a couple of times to understand what was going on.

So, overall, this was a nice starting point! I'd like to see more from you. ^_^
If you have any questions, comments, or emotional outbursts, just let me know!


Pop

MiriamHannah wrote:A cat skittered past her nervously and a bird flew so near to her that its feathers brushed against her neck.

This sentence would be a terrif first sentence if it didn't have one major flaw
You use 'her' three times in this one little sentence!
I would try to cut this back because every time I came across one it just jumped out at me and it got very repetitive.

MiriamHannah wrote: Liz walked along the street, puffing her chest out to emphasise ((emphasize)) the police, bullet-proof vest.

MiriamHannah wrote:She skipped into a park.

Do cops really skip?

MiriamHannah wrote: but the mood was spoilt ((spoiled)) by one woman, a teenager. She was sobbing into her palms.

MiriamHannah wrote: Liz walked up to where the girl was crouching ((down,)) hunched on the bench.

MiriamHannah wrote:She lifted her head to show blonde hair and glistening, wet cheeks – “It’s just my flat mate…she disappeared 3 days ago.”

flat mate? What's that?

MiriamHannah wrote: Liz stumbled awkwardly along the corridor

The corridor? I thought they were in the park.

MiriamHannah wrote: “I was wondering who my partner will be; I had to do this shift alone.” She gave a breathy chuckle.
“Oh right, that.” The sergeant said flatly “You are going to be partnered with the inspector’s son, Edward.”

I'm confused. It seems like now the MC isn't in the park anymore.


This definitely has potential. You've built up the MC well and shown how dedicated she is to her job. I already feel a connection to her.
Just pay a little more attention to that silly spelling

-Carly

Hi mads, just giving ya a quick review, soz about town by the way

="MiriamHannah"]A cat skittered past her nervously and a bird flew so near to her that its feathers brushed against her neck. She stood, trembling, blanketed and blinded by the darkness and mist. “What do you want with me?” She change the capital S to lower case whimpered “I know you’re out there – you’re lookin’ at me at this very moment…show yourself….”

This prologue is a good opening, although the last sentence sounds a little unnatural. "you’re lookin’ at me at this very moment…show yourself", she's suposedly talking to someone, and there is no need to reasure the reader of this fact by telling them that in her dialogue, no one would speak like that if there being kidnapped or held hostage. If you take out the line "you’re lookin’ at me at this very moment" it sounds more natural, if you really have a resitance to that then just take out "at this very moment", it makes it more choppy and effective.

Liz walked along the street, puffing her chest out to emphasise the police, bullet-proof vest. It was her first day of work and she was enjoying patrolling the streets. She watched as mothers smiled and children laughed, everyone felt more secure when she was around.

How would she know everyone felt more secure when she was around? It's in the third person so you must add, she thought at the end of the sentence otherwise it seems like the author knowes that rather than the character. Other than that a good paragraph.

She skipped into a park.

Police officers definetly do not skip.

The plants and flowers, the fresh air; she loved walking around, patrolling the streets. The park she had entered was picturesque, children sat on wooden benches with ice creams, women rolled buggies that had no sound coming from within; but the mood was spoilt by one woman, a teenager. She was sobbing into her palms.

You don't need picturesque in that context, that is more and opinuon that a description, although I do like the effect it creates. Picturesque is a cool word

Liz walked up to where the girl was crouching hunched on the bench.

This is an ideal time to add in some description about the girl, her appearence and her general feel. Don't be afraid to go into detail, you really need to create an image of her in the readers head and at the moment no one will know what there reading.

“What do you want?” The girl grumbled.
“Um, I, I was just wondering what was the matter?” Liz whispered; she didn’t have any experience of situations like this, she didn't have any experience of police work at all.
“Well don’t.” The girl snapped. Liz shrugged and started to walk away then changed her mind.
“I can't just leave you here.”
She lifted her head to show blonde hair and glistening, wet cheeks – “It’s just my flat mate…she disappeared 3 days ago.”
Liz was taken aback that she had so suddenly changed from an angry teenager to someone who really did need her help. It’s not my area of expertise, go down to the police station, I’m sure they’ll help you out.” Liz sighed, already having doubts about her career choice.
“She was called up the other day by this guy, she was out and he was askin' me whether she was available; I ask'd him what he wanted but he hung up. I told Lucy 'bout it when she got 'ome and she shrugged and grabbed the phone, she locked the door to her room but I heard her shoutin'.”
“I’m sorry, this is my first day and I am unable to help you, go to the police station or call; but I’m sure she will turn up.” Liz turned and headed toward the children’s playground.

Ahh, what happened! I had no idea what was going on, one second we were in a playground the next in a corridor? If this is another scene you need to seperate it with ------- or ****, just to show a change. Or at least several spaces.

I did like your story, it shows a better example of your work, especially when it comes to description. It would be nice to see some chapters up as it seems very much at the beginning.

izzy

Thankyou for your replies, please keep going. I will post up the next chapter at the middle of next week so watch out for it. I have taken on board all suggestions and they've been really helpful. Thanks again, Miriam

Hey Maddy

Its ella... im bad with spelling names do you like maddy or maddie?

Anyway, old me to look at your stuff and so i looked at some of it.

Basically (I use that word too much) I love this, par the mistakes poeple have put above, but also, i think you need to spend more time in each section (I'm guessing the "-------"s indicate change in setting) becasue they almost sound like chapters or flashbacks.

However the desciption and imagery is lovely (another overused word of mine), i especially love the first part about the bird.

And i know this is completely irrelevant to this review but do you know if izzy is swimming on thursday? Becasue i dont have her "real" number.

Ella Xx