Not Another Cliche Love Story

The radio is buzzing out of tune
Sweat dripping down on my face
Everything is moving slower
Than everything picks up pace
He gives me a cliche thumbs up
With that stupid little smile
I bet he doesn't wonder why

He doesn't know that I hate his nails
The way they look better than mine
He doesnt know that I hate his smile
When he forgot to shave the night before
Everything turns upside down
Everything is inside out
When you find yourself singing another cliche love story about him
You know your in trouble

Another late night
My parents in a fight
What could be more than ordinary?
He sneeks in through my window
From the tree outside my house leading to the balcony
He thinks its cool to hold me when I refuse
I bet he doesn't wonder why

He doesn't know that I hate his eyes
When there full of tears, looking so pretty
He doesnt know that I hate his body
When it makes me sweat from the heat all night
Everything turns upside down
Everything is inside out
When you find yourself singing another cliche love story about him
You know your in trouble

January, February, March, April, May
Months are passing in space of minutes
He knows the things I hate and forces me a test
He says he wants to 'make me see'
If I can live without him
Another stupid cliche love story
That I can't stop singing

September, October, November
Turning up at my window
Pleading, begging me to let him stay

He doesn't know that I missed his nails
The way they look against my skin
He doesnt know that I missed his smile
The way his 4 o'clock shadow tickled my cheek
He doesn't know that I missed his eyes
Looking so pretty when sparkling at me
He doesnt know that I missed his body
When its the only thing that keeps me warm at winter

I promised myself 'not another cliche love story'
But its a song to hard to stop singing
When all it was, was another cliche love story

Oh, picked up a grammar error. The 'sneeks' should be 'sneaks'. Might be a typo, just pointing it out. Anyway.
And the your should be you're.

Anyhoowwww. Onto the poem itself. I like the theme, in a way. I like the brief mentions of what he *ahem* does, and you get the whole love/hate thing across quite well.

But. It lacks... flow I suppose. It doesn't run on fluidly, it's just, I dunno, it's so close but it just doesn't have the spark that makes a poem leap from word to word. Try adding a little rhythm, or perhaps, scrapping rhythm altogether - go with what feels right. Open poetry often flows the best if carefully moderated, each word runs as a drop in a storm, so to speak.

Anyway. Personal tic but the 'I bet he doesn't wonder why' falls really flat. It just lacks anything behind it, I feel. More than that,i don't understand what it's meant to say, but it could just be me.

Anyway, sorry for having such a dig, it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be, promise, i was just pikcing on the weak points to give you a hand. *Thumbs up* keep going, bro.

~ Schem

Hiya SpellsUnderTheStars (cool user name ), Welcome to YWS!
Just for future reference, we like to keep a 2:1 ratio here on reviews to stories. Usually I'm kind of a big stickler on this and want people to do this before I review their story but I'm making an exception this week. Just pinky promise that you'll make some reviews

((Also, I don't know a ton about lyrical poetry, I'm gonna do my best here, we'll see how it goes ))


Okay. This was absolutely fantastic. Like, seriously I am in love with this poem.
It's kind of funny because the title is 'Not another cliche love story' (and a lot of love stories are really cliche) and you presented it in a manner that was so uncliche it made me smile.
I'm going to give you a gold star for this.
Have a nice day and write more awesome poems like this

-Carly

((PM me if you have any questions or need anything! ))

Hey,

cool user name by the way! LUV THIS POEM! great, great, great idea 4 a poem and I'm just slightly envious u thought of it first! =] But i do want to help you out with it but I like 2 start positively cos i wanna make sum friends so what i think you need 2 do is get it more fluid so it rolls of the tip of your tongue kinda fluid if you get what I mean. I like that the title is quite ironic, it makes me more interested as a reader. i like the repetition in it but just not 2 use 2 much cos that it wont seem as good. My favourite verse was how you said you missed all those this you hated it reminds me how I feel about a guy I liked once.

anytime you wanna share idea PLEASE xome 2 me xx

I really enjoyed ur piece hopefully see u around Brown Eyed Girl xx