One Last Time

This is the exact poem I wrote for the love of my life when he had to move far away.
Believe it or not, I wrote it all in five minutes, so I don't doubt it is deeply flawed,
but it came from my heart.

Please don't go
I need you here
Can't speak
Can't breathe
Feels like I'm falling
And only you can save me.
Your face is all I can see
Looking down at me
With those beautiful eyes
The only lights in this darkness--
I can't believe I'm losing you.
Your voice is all I can hear
Like the voice of an angel
When you say you love me
The most beautiful words I've ever heard--
I can't believe it's ending this way.
Wrap your arms around me
Whisper the words I need to hear
Tell me you'd give your life for me
You're my protection
When you're with me
I know I'm safe--
I can't let them take you away.
Kiss me one last time
Don't hold back
Because today we have to say goodbye.
We're star-crossed lovers
I should have known
That it was too beautiful to last.
But try as they might
If you love me
As much as I love you
They can never truly tear us apart.
Keep holding on
Don't ever let go
Because without you
My world is cold and dark and empty.
No matter what happens
I'll never forget you--
Don't forget me.
And when you're alone
Think of me
I'll be thinking of you;
And know that I'll love you
Forever.

No offense, but I think this is perhaps one of those poems that's best when it's shared only between those it has meaning for. I really feel that, as a reader, I'm unable to connect with the poet - not because the poem itself is necessarily badly written, but because it seems to refer solely to emotions and experiences that they know and are not sharing. It's what I would call "navel-gazing" as its full impact can only be felt by you. I feel a mild empathy, yes, but because you're not meeting me half way - you're telling and describing, rather than showing - I'm left as an objective observer, rather than experiencing with you (and this, to me, is what makes a poem truly great).

Having said that, a few tips that might help you tidy it up, if you want to - punctuation is as necessary in poetry as it is in prose, and this could benefit from a bit more. It is also a bit repetitive - perhaps try cutting down on the number of times you use a similar idea.

Hope that helps!

Cheers,
~bubbles

I think that was a heart felt poem.

It is not necessarily every time that the reader has to be included in the story.

Being an objective viewer on the poem can be just as successful as being immersed in it.

That poem would definitely benefit from some structure and punctuation though.

Except for that...kudos to you!!!

That was really good! I could feel the tension and the sadness. I would say (as the above poster said) to add structure and punctuation. I feel that could really help the emotion in the story a great deal. Maybe you could add some more description too. I think that would make it a lot better.

With those beautiful eyes
The only lights in this darkness--

I really liked that part. Maybe you could add more of that type of thing into the poem. Give us some more visual description.
Good luck!

good job i liked it.

again i say u have really good poems this reminds me of someone (i will tell u later u have remind u know i forget things) lol

Hi! I liked your poem.

I could definitely get whatever you were trying to express through the poem.

I find it a 'straight-from-the-heart' kind of poem and so I don't think any one can instantly connect with it without experience.

The emotion in the poem is really heart-felt

I liked the last 5 lines.

Keep writing!

I really like this because I can understand you.

To be written in five minutes it is great.

Oh well thats all I can think of to say.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

"This is the exact poem I wrote for the love of my life when he had to move far away. "
I love when writers give some background to their songs/poems.

I could kind of feel your emotion that you put into this. I won't say it is great because it is not. It wasn't written for me and I don't connect with it. Not many poems can be connected to if it was specifically tailored to someone else.
I honestly thought it was very mediocre and not special, but at least the emotion was there. the grittiness.

Its not that i don't relate with what you wrote about, but reading the whole poem, I didn't feel anything truly great. Its just something personal you wrote that was meant for someone else and there you have a true connection

I know you feel terribly sad about the fact that your love of your life is moving far away, but I have to agree with bubblewrapped's view. It's a typical "I'll-miss-you" poem, and won't give that much impact on a reader who doesn't feel the same as you do.

However, don't despair! You still can fix this by making the poem interesting, such as similes and metaphors. Try to experiment with colourful language while writing. It does not only make the poem more interesting, but gives life to the poem.

Hope this helped! Keep writing, and good luck!